Not Pregnancy Related, but causing anxiety

[IMISSCOFFEE]

My husband's older brother has been married for 11 years and has two girls. I LOVE my sis-in-law and they have not been on good terms the last 3 months...much to his wanting. Both of them are very honest and good people, but they are terrible communicators, especially with each other. A few months ago my bro in law told his wife that he may not want to be married anymore. He says that they have never really been friends and he cannot be married to someone who isn't his friend. She has always complained about their love life, but he defends himself that he cannot be intimate with someone who isn't his friend. Her other complaint was that he still lived as if he were single. He goes out with friends every night, comes home at all hours and seems to think this is perfectly acceptable. Now I don't think there is anything sneaky going on. My brother in law just isnt that type of person--I know everyone says that but we don't think that is the issue. My sis in law does not want to separate and the moment he told her he may want to it kind of woke her up. She realized she wanted to work on the marriage and he said he didn;t know. It's been 3 months now of tension and him not knowing and I can't take it anymore. My husband has spoken to his brother numerous times and it seems as if he has made up his mind to separate, but can't seem to break it to her. I don't want to get involved but I feel so anxious about the whole thing. I can see why he has fallen out of love with her because she can be a nag, overbearing, and selfish with him but overall she is a wonderful wife and mother. He is also a very good person, but does not spend a lot of time at home because of the situation and has disconnected from his family which is hurting my nieces. I feel bad for my sis in law because it doesn't seem like he even wants to work it out. He has also had a rough 2 years. He lost a small business because a friend screwed them over, he got into an expensive restaurant business that he is now regretting, and this all happened just after they moved into a wealthy part of town and renovated a house (things were going well at the time). He's made some stupid financial decisions and I think he is very depressed about that now. I personally think he is waiting until the holidays are over to break the news. But, in the meantime he is almost playing games with my sis in law. The other day was her birthday and he was with my husband and broke down multiple times. I think he felt badly that he didnt want to give her "false hope" by being with her. But then he ends up coming home at 2 in the morning and crying and apologizing that he missed her birthday. He then left her a card that said to a "special someone". She says that in all the time they have been married, all the cards have always said to my wife. She confronted him and he completely ignored her and told her he didn't want to talk about it. I am having Christmas at my house and I feel like I am going to want to cry because it seems like this may be the last Christmas we all spend together. I can't believe this is happening to my family and neither can my husband. He broke down the other day and I have tried to be strong for him, but I am scared too. I know in the scope of bad things that can happen this is small, but I feel like a separation would be like a death in the family. Well, I'm done venting. Thanks for listening. I don't want to talk to anybody I know personally only because I don't want word spreading among people we know.

 

[Nel.B]

Wow, that is a bit of a situation! However, I don't believe that people should stay together if they are not happy. That can make the family life extremely hard for the children. It also doesn't help that only one of them want to try and work things out. That will get them nowhere, they'll just be paddling in circles. I don't think it is fair on your sis in law to be with someone who feels the way he does towards her. She deserves to be with someone who really loves and appreciates her and your brother in law also deserves to be with someone he loves. Perhaps this won't come as a death of a situation but a new beginning for both of them. They are both part of your life and can still keep in touch with the family - if they do seperate and do so on good terms. A very hard situation indeed!

 

[td1309]

How old is he? It sounds as though he is having a bit of mid life crisis. I think his recent financial troubles may have alot to do with it. Sometimes when we can't do anything about the problems that are getting us down we lash out at things we can change. I would suggest it may actually do them good to seperate - afterall a seperation does not necessarily mean divorce. He may realise that when he is on his own he is no happier than he is now and that the problem isn't his marriage. Of course he may also realise that he is but I think it comes down to the old cliche: if you love something, let it go ...

I know it's hard but try not to let this be a cloud over your happy time. Of course you'll want to be there for your family but you have alot going on yourself. Maybe have one night a week with your husband when you have a nice meal or something and agree not to talk about his brother's situation for that one night. As it sounds like you both need a break too and to re-focus on you!xxxx