Not sure if right forum but why do i feel this way??

[JustMe.]

I had my baby 6 weeks ago, the birth was very hard, I had pre eclampsia and the labour was long and i ended up having to have forceps an epsiotomy and stitches. I also had anemia after she was born and was kept in hospital for a week. Summer (my baby) had duodenal atresia so had to stay in hospital for 2 weeks. I didnt find out she had that untill i was 36 weeks pregnant and I took quite badly to it.

She had an op the day after she was born and now has a big scar across her belly and everytime i look at it it reminds me of everything that happened and the day i found out she had duodenal atresia.
I hate the name of it and whenever i say it it makes me feel weird hard to explain.

Somedays i feel okay, but others, like today i feel crap and like i just cant be bothered to do anything like feed her, wind her etc. I know that sounds so bad and i dont want to feel that way, but its like i just dont have the energy or motivation.

I keep thinking about the birth and everything that happened and it just kinda freaks me out!

Im so irritable aswell. And when she cries its like i dont have the motivation to go to her, but i do. I feel like im doing a rubbish job and that im a crap mum and that she probably doesnt like me or even no who i am. Im annoyed with myself for not carrying on breastfeeding aswell, i loved giving her my milk but then i was ill and my milk supply was really low so i ended up giving her formula and now she is on that constantly and im so annoyed im not giving her my milk, specially with her op she had.

My partner can never do anytihng on his own, he always needs my help with EVERYTHING which really stresses me out. he always moans at me if i dont help him and then makes sarcastic comments trying to hint that im a bad mum.

im always worrying that something will go wrong with her belly again, and when shes sick it scares me cause i dont know if its to do with the duodenal atresia.
I just dont feel like im coping tbh.
Sometimes when i see her scar il feel like crying. I just feel really shitty, but some days im okay and feel fine and normal.

My partner doesnt really ever help out, its always me getting up in the night at every feed, he never does any of them and if i ask for his help once il get shouted at or ignored.

I love Summer to bits, so i dont understand why i feel like i just cant be bothered to look after her. obviously i am looking after her, but i want to enjoy it more than i do.

Does anyone have any advice please? x

 

[SnapDragon]

I can't really give advice about Summer's condition as I have no experience.
But please be kind to yourself. You are not a crap mum, having a baby is a life changing experience in so many ways and your experience has been more difficult that you could have foreseen. You have a right to be scared and worried about what happened.

Don't beat yourself up about breast feeding, you did your best and the best thing for Summer is to be fed, be it formula or breast milk, ultimately it doesn't matter. Don't forget you still have a hormones sloshing around your system and they will send you off kilter.
It's possible that all the stress and struggle has sent you into a bit of PND.

I would suggest talking to your health care provider (health visitor etc..) get some more info and support on Summer's condition, tell them how you feel. I would suggest talking to your OH (although from your post that sounds like it's a difficult task) tell him you are struggling and need help (some men find the new baby transition difficult too, getting the equivalent of PND, sadly they quite often just shut themselves off which is not helpful).
Sorry I can't give you more help, but please let us know how you get on.


x

 

[chrissy5]

First all massive hunni. I think u need to speak to your health visitor or gp babes. You are not a bad mother and u have been through alot. It could just be baby blues but I'm thinking more a touch of PND. Talk to a health professional hunni, and rally round your friends. Get some help and support. Also get your OH to help more, he can get up for a night feed or even do the last feed so u can get an early night. you need to look after yourself too and get some relax time. Hope things get better for you. feel free to PM me if u need to talk xxxxx

 

[Mother of 4]

I don't have much advice to give you but big Baby club might be a good place for advice

 

[chippysgirl23]

i'm a little worried about you, it sounds like you definitely have the blues and inching your way towards postpartum depression. you cannot beat up on yourself because this is all hormonal... doesnt help when you dont have support from those around you. your honestly breaking my heart because i know it could be any one of us in your situation. please be kind to yourself and let your healthcare provider know.

 

[SugarFairy]

I completely agree with what the other ladies have said. Speak with your doctor or health visitor about this. PND is normal and common. No-one will judge the way you feel about your baby, they will only try to help you. Sending big *hugs* for you xx

 

[Leanne09]

I don't have much advice but maybe speak to ur gp or health visitor. The health visitors r great and prob come across lots of ladies feeling similar to u.
My OH wasn't great to begin with when my son was born, turns out he was just scared of doing things wrong and got better after being shown etc. It's hard work having a little one and us mums go through a lot and hormones and emotions r all over the place.
I would defo speak to someone to see if u can get some advice b4 u feel worse. Hugs xxx

 

[jobee2222]

I think maybe you have tried to detach yourself from what happened and with the your baby summer there it is difficult as she is and always will be a constant reminder. Lets start at the beginning and remember that what happened to Summer is in no way your fault, there was nothing you could have done about it. Secondly you adore your daughter which is why you feel bad, sounds like you feel guilty. Dont be, she loves you and she NEEDS you. Summers scar will fade as will the memories but do try and focus on the positive. Talk to your health visitor as you may be getting post-natal depression, either way it seems like you need to get things off your chest. Best of luck.

 

[Jollybean]

aw i'm sorry ur feeling so bad. Have u spoken to anyone about it? Your partner and health visitor is prob a good start. Thing is, i don't want to give u a label and i hope this doesn't offend, but i think u may have post natal depression hun. My sister became depressed when she discovered her little boy had kidney problems. She didn't get help for ages but i'm glad she did. She was told it was very common and totally understandable for parents to get PND with the stress and feelings of guilt when something goes wrong, and she was offered antidepressants which have really made a difference. I'm not familiar with what ur little girl had but my nephew's kidney problem is ongoing (one day he'll need a transplant) yet he's totally normal, cheeky and loveable! We wouldn't have him any other way. And i'm sure that's how u'll soon feel with summer x

 

[Tegans Mama]

It is absolutely normal to feel the way you do, and new mums of "Special" babies are at a far higher risk. I was a total state after my LO was born.

 

[JustMe.]

Thanks everyone. Ive been wondering the past couple of weeks if i could be starting to get pnd but its sort of just stayed the same, hasnt got any better or worse yet.
Ive suffered with depression and anxiety in the past so i know i am at higher risk.
Im worried to say anything to anyone cause i worry their be keeping a close eye on me and if i do one little thing wrong they will take Summer away or something.

Me and my partner havent been getting along well since shes been born, were not married and Summer has his surname instead of mine and he always says to me if we ever break up or if i leave him he will be keeping Summer cause his surname is on the birth certificate he has full parental responsibility and has the choice as to what happens to Summer. Hes also said he will take her away from me if i leave with her and there will be nothing i can do about it. I feel so stupid for giving her his surname, how could i be so thick??

Anyway thanks for all the advice x

 

[Tegans Mama]

Thanks everyone. Ive been wondering the past couple of weeks if i could be starting to get pnd but its sort of just stayed the same, hasnt got any better or worse yet.
Ive suffered with depression and anxiety in the past so i know i am at higher risk.
Im worried to say anything to anyone cause i worry their be keeping a close eye on me and if i do one little thing wrong they will take Summer away or something.

Me and my partner havent been getting along well since shes been born, were not married and Summer has his surname instead of mine and he always says to me if we ever break up or if i leave him he will be keeping Summer cause his surname is on the birth certificate he has full parental responsibility and has the choice as to what happens to Summer. Hes also said he will take her away from me if i leave with her and there will be nothing i can do about it. I feel so stupid for giving her his surname, how could i be so thick??

Anyway thanks for all the advice x

To put it lightly, his name means absolutely jack all hun. You are your babies mother - and YOU are the one who ill get custody of her.

I can't believe he would say that to you!!! In 9 out of 10 cases, the mother of a child gets custody when it's taken to court. And if he says your mental health issues will affect this, he is wrong. You are experiencing a hell of a lot of stress right now

 

[Jollybean]

Jesus. sounds like he is an emotional bully! Tegans mama is right. His name is just a name. As her mother u have the same, if not more chance of custody.
I really think u shud talk to ur health visitor. The fact that U ARE caring for Summer and are concerned about both ur own and her well-being, there should be absolutely no reason for social services getting involved. Please don't worry about being judged. People are there to help, not take ur child away x

 

[Gracemum]

Your post broke my heart.

I had a traumatic labour first time round and it took me a long time to get over it. Please talk about it to your friends/family/someone you trust. The more I talked about it the more I got my head around what happened. But it took months before I felt at peace with what happened and how scary it was.

It must be added pressure having to deal with Summer's health problems.

You do not have to be a perfect mum - you just have to be good enough. Take each day as it comes. You will get there.

I wish you and Summer all the best.

 

[MrsPOP]

He's talking utter bollocks to put it plainly Hun. Just because Summer has his surname it means jack shit. The mum pretty much ALWAYS gets custody and even if you do have PND that isn't a reason for any authority to take Summer away as long as you get the support you need.

I'm horrified he said that to you actually, because it pretty much tantamounts to emotional abuse alongside with the fact he's not helping you with Summer.

First thing you need to do is go to see your GP or MW. I agree with t'other girls, it does sound like PND. Second of all please be assured there is no shame in developing PND or that you are a bad mum because of it...far from it tbh. You've been through so darn much and NONE of it is your fault AT ALL Hun. In fact you're probably coping better with things than a lot of new mums would! I'm high risk of developing PND and have spoken with my MW about it a few times, your HV or MW or GP will not judge you...they are there to provide support.

Do you have any family or friends near that you can talk to? Or even phone?

 

[SugarFairy]

What an arse!
I'm just going to mirror what the others have said - just because she has his surname, means nothing!! As Summer's mum, especially as she is so little, if it came to it, a court would be FAR more likely to award you full custody. That is one thing you do not need to worry about x

 

[Tinkerbellxxx]

Can you talk to your health visitor honey? its so important. You need to pour all this out, and she's the best person to go to first. I worked with them, they wont judge you, and they will understand because they have seen it time and time again. They wont take away Summer, you'll be given the support you need to carry on being mum and to work through all these difficult feelings and situations your in. You cannot struggle on alone, get some help honey, its gonna be ok x

 

[RedString]

well, I think you got the idea of seeking help for your possible PND and traumatic birth. Just wanted to let you know, I have my biological father's surname, and despite his best efforts, I grew up with my mum. (and by best efforts I mean kidnapping me and my brother, etc. he tried pretty hard.)

 

[Emma 21]

massive hugs, you need to speak to ypur health care provider as i think you may have post natal depression. this by the way does not mean u are a bad mom i have suffered with it twice. if you wanna chat just add me xx and pm me xxx

 

[Emma 21]

hun he is talking crap while he has joint parental responsibility, courts would always favour the mother. i promise u putting his name on the birth certificate does not mean he can take ur daughter xxx