Not sure if we should keep trying or what.

[sierraecho89]

My husband is LESS than excited to be trying for a baby right now. Or ever. He told me the other day that, if he could go back in time, he'd tell his twenty-year-old self to inform all his girlfriends that he doesn't want kids ever.

Which was absolute news to me, because we've had our children's names picked out since six months into dating until... now. We've ALWAYS planned on having kids.

I don't know what to do.

We've talked about it at length, many times. Does he want me to go back on BCP? No, we got married under the assumption we'd have at least one child and now is as good as later. Why doesn't he want kids? Well, he likes spending money on whatever (we actually are extremely responsible with our cash flow, saving 20% a month and we always have stuff left over, even on two teachers' salaries). Also, he's worried we will have a "mediocre" child--seriously, this is apparently his main concern.

No, he doesn't want to wait until a better time because "there is no better time than now."

Last month, we barely DTD at all because of how paranoid he was. This month, we've DTD more often, but then yesterday CD14, (TMI warning) he pulled out! Seriously??

I don't know what to do. I've always wanted children; he's known this all along and told me all along that he wanted them, too. Now, when we're actually ready, he's clearly not at all interested.

What should I do? Do I give up my dream of being a mother to make him happy? Wait until a more opportune time (something I DON'T want to do because I REALLY want my kids to know their grandparents, and they're almost seventy already--my mom already passed away!)

We've talked it to death, and he SAYS he's on board, but his actions show me something else. What do I do?

He didn't want to have pets, either, but I put my foot down and told him, no, we needed to have animals in our lives, period. So now we have birds (he's allergic to everything else) and he LOVES them and cannot WAIT to have more.. but this is a child we're talking about. Not a parrot.

I'm so frustrated.

 

[dgirl]

I'm so sorry this has happened. I think you 2 need to have a serious talk, maybe with a counselor. I know you guys have talked but he needs to be sure. You don't want to have a child with him that he doesn't want. I'd make sure he is 100% on board with it.

If he decides he isn't... You'll have to decide if that is a dealbreaker for you or not. Really only you can answer that.

I think he really needs to talk to someone about concerns about having a mediocre child. I don't really know what he means by that and since there is nothing for sure when having kids that is something he needs to figure out. To me that would be the thing that would concern me the most about everything he has said.

I hope this all works out for you!

 

[Essjay86]

Oh god it sounds like me and my fella.

He's always known I've wanted kids..he's now 36 and i'm nearly 29. We started wanting to try around 2 years ago...but he was 'stressed' with his job so we wasnt DTD often enough (try once a month!) but then he got another job which he enjoyed and the sex didnt increase so i was so frustrated. We kept recycling the same conversations about how we really do want the same things. But he wasn't proving it.

Now weve been to a fertility clinic and things are progressing he does seem to be putting more effort in. A lot of my friends think he was scared. And worrying about money and stuff. So maybe it is that? Maybe he is scared of the responsibilty, the thing you mentioned about it being a mediocre child...makes me feel like he is scared he might not do a good job? Or he has high expectations. Either way...I'd keep trying...and if he pulls out ask him why? It's awkward to have these conversations but they do help. My DF often loses his erection, it's a nightmare, but you just have to get on with it.

Hope i helped a little x

 

[Essjay86]

Also, it is a deal breaker for me, if i don't get 100% effort by end of october, i'm outta the relationship/house everything. I cant NOT have children. its all i've ever wanted.

 

[dgirl]

I hope everything works out for you too!

 

[sierraecho89]

Essjay, I'm so glad I'm not alone in this. It's SO frustrating! I feel like it's a deal-breaker too... Sigh.

As far as a mediocre child goes... we're both teachers. We've seen too much. The incredible child who pulls himself up by his bootstraps, the child whose parents work extremely hard to give them every opportunity, and yet they still choose to fail... I think he's worried that he'll give it his all, and our child will absolutely disappoint us. That's what he means by "mediocre". Both of us have people in our family who are like that...

I don't think he'd be open to go to counseling right now, unfortunately. His response is, "Well, we got married under that assumption, so we'll keep trying." Sigh. And he'll pull out at the crucial day. Awesome.

I think I'm going to call his Mom and chat with her .She always has the best insight.

I never expected to be in this situation. I made a point to EARLY ON mention this desire to have kids, to talk about it often and frequently. It's just when it's become a reality that he's changed his mind.

 

[LullabyLover]

I was the same as you, I told my now husband from the very beginning that I wanted children. He knew it was my one need in life.

He was fine until I said I was getting my implant out. He started to stress and suggested I get another in for 3 years. I explained that it wasn't going to happen and he needed to take responsibility for contraception for a while.

A few weeks later I found out I was pregnant after his attempts at contraception failed clearly. The next day I MC. That day of thinking about what was to come and then having it taken away was enough to make him realise what he wanted. We conceived our daughter the next cycle and he's the one pushing to try right now for number 2.

Having a child is beautiful but it is also the scariest thing you'll ever do. Once I shared with my husband the things that scared me, he felt like he wasn't alone and he wasn't having to play catch up to me because I didn't have it all figured out either.

 

[sierraecho89]

LullabyLover, I love that story! That's fantastic. Yeah, I suspect my husband will be on board once it happens, it's just frustrating up until then. Again, I've offered multiple times to wait longer, go back on BCP, and we've had a ton of conversations, but alas, here we are.

I called his Mom last night and chatted for a bit. She had some nice insights and it's nice to feel like I'm not all alone in dealing with this. She wants a grandbaby too! We'll just see how things go as they go, I suppose. Guess that puts us squarely in NTNP for the time being...

 

[Essjay86]

Yeh, its hard to do though isnt, when you know what you want so clearly.. I tried to forget about ttc but i couldnt do it. Thankfully he seems on board now so we will see in a week or so if he puts the effort in at the right time.

Good Luck to you hun x

 

[Essjay85]

..

 

[squirrel.]

Oh no, I'm sorry you're going through this. It sounds like he's probably feeling anxious and scared about the huge change having children does and he's misdirecting it into thinking he doesn't want them anymore. I imagine that deep down he probably does if this is something he has always wanted and this change is just a recent thing. I've heard about a lot of dads-to-be who are scared and don't feel they're ready until the baby is placed in their arms and then it all changes. Our firstborn was a surprise and for my husband, quite an unwelcome one at that (even for me, in the beginning, it was all very upsetting as becoming pregnant with him interrupted our life-long dream of living in NZ for a few years - we were three weeks from going when we found out). He was miserable the whole pregnancy, but when he finally held our son and they bonded over those fraught first few weeks he finally enjoyed having him. Now they're incredibly close and he loves being a dad. I think for some men the thought of kids is terrifying and they never feel ready. Perhaps this is happening to your husband?

I really hope you work it out, I can only imagine how hard it must be for you.

PS I'm a teacher too and for me, my biggest worry - after the obvious big worry we all feel about the baby being born halthy - was for our child to have learning difficulties and for him to struggle at school, as I have seen first hand how hard it can be for some children. Well he has in fact turned out to have learning difficulties in the form of Autism. It's been a tumultuous journey filled with extreme highs and deep dark lows, but we're finally on an even keel and our son will be starting school next year. It was my biggest fear, but now it's happened, I realise it wasn't anything to be scared of after all. What will be will be and with our love and support he will move mountains. I am sure that with your love and support, this 'mediocre' child your husband fears, won't happen the way he imagines it.

 

[lisap2008]

I had a similar situation with my ex husband we discussed trying for another baby and I saved up to get my tubes reversed then last minute like the weekend we were due for surgery he gets cold feet , I was not going to let him stop my dream of having my surgery to have another child so I brought my teenage daughter with me instead, had the surgery ,it was successful then we somewhat tried for 6 months I say somewhat because he was gone alot and never wanted to perform when I was ovulating. a year later towards the end of our marriage he wouldn't touch me at all and I found out he had been cheating also.

next thing you know I found my new husband he said he was wanting a child of his own so we had planned to TTC the moment he came here from Boston we were lucky the first cycle but it ended in early M/C and now we have been trying for 6 years we found out he has low sperm count but he is unwilling to try assisted conception I am desperate though I wont give up on my dream,I wish I would have done assisted conception a long time ago, I am running out of time so with our without his blessing I will have my baby and if I have to I will raise it alone.
I dont regret the years of trying , I do regret the times I lost hope and gave up because I cared too much what my husband wanted. I am afraid if I dont do what I need to to get pregnant my child bearing years will end and I will resent him for the fact he did not support my dream. and support whatever we needed to have a baby.
sorry for the sob story.
My recommendation is to really think it through , if he wont budge on wanting a child decide if your willing to be a single parent its a big decision but it can be done I raised my daughters by myself and I would do it again. dont let anyone stop you from pursuing your dream of being a mother.
I wish you luck in whatever you choose.

 

[ruby83]

What a horrible situation to be in!

This is a huge decision to make, and I think both people need to be on board before bringing a baby into the world. Also, his actions are showing that he is actually preventing this from happening anyway. I would try and get him to commit to counselling if you can- perhaps if he know this is a make or break he might be more willing to participate. Otherwise maybe waiting a while and see if thing change? Which I know is not ideal in your situation.

Arghh this sucks! It should be such an exciting time but unfortunately that is often not the case.

Take care! I hope things work out for you xx