Not terrible but need advice..

[Tina_TTC2]

I'm generally handling this ok, when it happens, but everytime it does my heart sinks a little bit.

We had told our little girl (she's 2 and 1/2) that she was going to have a baby brother or sister - and she was so excited about it. Now she has said this - albeit only a few times since the miscarriage:

"I'm going to have a baby brother or sister"

Part of me just wants to let it go in hopes that we get pregnant again soon and can make that come true after all. But part of me worries about the what - if? if it doesn't happen? or what if she blurts out to friends when visiting - that she is having a brother or sister - how uncomfortable and akward will this be...

How do any of you handle it? have you had this happen?

advice is appreciated..

 

[aviolet]

Here is some information I found that might help...

For younger children, if you told them about the pregnancy before the loss, you will need to explain that something happened. Again, be sure to use words they understand. Young children might not understand words like "miscarriage" and might need explanations in simpler terms.

If your children are too young to understand the concept of pregnancy, or if you did not tell your children about the pregnancy, you may choose not to divulge information about the miscarriage. Remember, though, that children tend to pick up on the emotions of the adults around them, so try to be understanding if your young children act more clingy or upset than usual. They may be picking up on the fact that you feel sad, in which case you may need to give them some sort of explanation.

If your children are old enough to understand that you are sad, whatever explanation you choose, be sure to emphasize that it is not their fault . Explain that Mommy (or Daddy) is sad because of missing the baby and not because of anything they did, and reassure your children that you love them. Answer any questions your young children have about what happened.

In its pamphlet on talking to children about miscarriages, the U.K.-based Miscarriage Association suggests that some parents use the analogy of pregnancy being like planting seeds in a garden -- only some go on to grow into full plants. Others simply say that the baby wasn't growing properly or it couldn't stay in Mom's tummy, and leave it at that. Remember that you may not need to go into great detail with young children.

Regardless of your children's age, consider doing something together as a family to formally say goodbye to the baby. Have a burial or plant a tree. Or, if you are religious, use a tradition meaningful in your faith.

And here are a couple books that might be helpful too:
--We Were Gonna Have a Baby, But We Had an Angel Instead by Pat Schwiebert
--Something Happened: A book for children and parents who have experienced pregnancy loss by Cathy Blanford

 

[lilwelsh1]

I told my two children I was pregnant and sadly by the time the woke up the next morning i was miscarrying, so i had to tell them the baby died. For a few days after mine went up to family members and said 'my mummy had a baby in her belly, but it died' so matter of fact. the first few times i felt bad for them having to know about these things but i just smile weakly and say well at least they understand. In a way hearing it put so bluntly helped me come to terms with it. I wouldnt know what to do if they still thought i was having a baby, the idea in the above information may be helpful to all, to say goodbye to the baby together so your DD understands better, I guess because she didnt see a baby it might be hard to make the connection as to where your baby could have gone. Im sorry you are going through this

 

[ncmommy]

Before my first mc I had told my daughter that she was going to have a brother or sister but she was a little too young to understand. After going through that I decided not to tell her about future pregnancies. Even though I have not told her about my latest 2 pregnancies/mcs she knows something is up and is constantly asking where her brothers and sisters are, it breaks my heart as I want to giver her one so bad. She often calls all her little friends her brothers and sisters.

I just try and tell her that yes she will have a brother or sister someday but not right now.

 

[Tina_TTC2]

Thank you all so very much - aviolet - these are wonderful ideas. I don't think I can go through the thought of burying the baby - even if it's just going through the motions. I'm dealing well I think, but I try not to dwell much on it - I've accepted it. But I will probably use the seed idea if her references continue. Thank you all SO INCREDIBLY much - i really appreciate it!! and I am so sorry that all of us have had to go through this.

blessings and love to you all..

 

[aviolet]

 

[mummyto3]

big hugs x i told my son about all of mine and 3 of them he told me i was losing them too with charlie he kepst saying bye bye out the window all the time then 10 mins after i lost him he was saying bye bye baba :'( with sam he said mummy u had a baby in yr belly insread of u have and with beanie (aug 4th tbhis year) we told him i was having a baby and he said its ok mummy hes going to see charlie and sam the next day i strted bleeding and he was right again the 3rd time i only found out i was preg and had mc once i saw the dr so he or we didnt no about her

 

[Vickieh1981]

We never told our children we were pregnant with our early loss (thankfully) but with Isabella we had to tell them what had happened as we had a funeral etc.

I would maybe say baby went to live with Jesus and how lucky it is to live somewhere so special. Maybe let off some chinese wish lanterns or something so she can see them go into the sky and up to the baby?