O/T - Impartial opinions wanted. "Go f**k yourself I'm not interested in you anymore"

[AveryATL]

Thanks everyone. I just wish things could be like they were in the beginning. I'm afraid of him making my life difficult if we split. He said he'd go for custody. The thought of another woman trying to play mummy makes me feel sick. Plus Christmas and Birthdays will be hard.
I really thought this was it this time and I'd have my happy family
But if he goes back to talking to me like he has it's over. I take any more walking on egg shells.

I just saw your post here, and wanted to respond (even though I am still as second trimester girl). DOCUMENT, DOCUMENT, DOCUMENT every single time he calls you a name, insults you in front of the little one or displays his anger. Even better would be to have a tape recorder in your house to tape the language he uses. SAVE EVERY SINGLE TEXT/EMAIL that he sends you where he uses that language.

In addition to going to court, you can also go to his superiors in the military. I would let him know that if he is welcome to try for custody, and you would be more than happy to go to his commanding officers and let them know about his behaviors. Generally, they DO NOT take that sort of thing well.

He is using the threats, again, to control you. Get your ducks in a row (i.e LOTS of evidence to show his abusive nature), find a decent lawyer, and get out as soon as you can.

You do not want this person modeling this type of behavior to your LO. Part of the reason that you have been able to tolerate it for so long is because you had abusive language modeled to you as a child, so it isn't as shocking to you as it should be . My DH's father is abusive, and is verbally abusive to his wife (DH's stepmother, his mom left his dad), and my DH isn't as disturbed by it as I am - because he is more conditioned to hearing that type of language. My parents were kind and loving to eachother, so for me, I am very, very uncomfortable around that type of language. I am very, very uncomfortable around my FIL - even though he is kind to ME.

You want your LO to grow up NOT being accustomed to verbal abuse, so that they can spot it more easily. I am having a hard time figuring out how to let my LO spend time with my FIL because of his abuse towards his wife. I would never, EVER let my LO spend time with him without me being there, and will limit even that IF he can't speak politely to ALL others in my/our presence. My DH is not abusive AT ALL, but because he grew up in that environment, he doesn't really notice, as it is "just the way his dad is".

 

[Lawhra]

I need to know from an outsider's point of view because he does this sort of thing a lot and then tells me things like "you're an annoying b***h and I don't want to be with you anymore" "you are such a knob" "I don't give a fuck, you can raise this baby yourself" and more.

This is unacceptable. I would never allow anyone to speak to me in that manner and neither should you. I would have a serious talk with him. If he is speaking to you like this, either he doesn't respect you or he is a pompous, immature ass - or both.

I would tell him that you are not going to take this behaviour anymore. If he wants to clean up his act, fine. If he doesn't, get rid of him.

Honestly, what a complete asshole. This is NEVER ok. I am so sorry you are dealing with that.

To be honest I am surprised I have put up with it. Partly I've kept quiet when he has in the past to avoid his temper. Now I stand up to him it gets worse. I have told him if things don't change I can't take any more and we will split. Since then he has chilled out. But we'll see if he can keep it up.

You're the mother of this child, you have more rights over the baby than he ever will. Let him take you to court, because I'm sure he'll be the one to regret it when the judge hears about his stinking attitude and violent nature. He hasn't a leg to stand on.

Life will be difficult anyway if you DO stay with him x

I did think I would have more rights. But the idea of him trying is upsetting. I hope he just said it out of anger and won't do it. When he is angry he is vicious and his judgement and reasoning is clouded.
You are probably right, it would be difficult either way. Not a happy thought.

Thanks everyone. I just wish things could be like they were in the beginning. I'm afraid of him making my life difficult if we split. He said he'd go for custody. The thought of another woman trying to play mummy makes me feel sick. Plus Christmas and Birthdays will be hard.
I really thought this was it this time and I'd have my happy family
But if he goes back to talking to me like he has it's over. I take any more walking on egg shells.

I just saw your post here, and wanted to respond (even though I am still as second trimester girl). DOCUMENT, DOCUMENT, DOCUMENT every single time he calls you a name, insults you in front of the little one or displays his anger. Even better would be to have a tape recorder in your house to tape the language he uses. SAVE EVERY SINGLE TEXT/EMAIL that he sends you where he uses that language.

In addition to going to court, you can also go to his superiors in the military. I would let him know that if he is welcome to try for custody, and you would be more than happy to go to his commanding officers and let them know about his behaviors. Generally, they DO NOT take that sort of thing well.

He is using the threats, again, to control you. Get your ducks in a row (i.e LOTS of evidence to show his abusive nature), find a decent lawyer, and get out as soon as you can.

You do not want this person modeling this type of behavior to your LO. Part of the reason that you have been able to tolerate it for so long is because you had abusive language modeled to you as a child, so it isn't as shocking to you as it should be . My DH's father is abusive, and is verbally abusive to his wife (DH's stepmother, his mom left his dad), and my DH isn't as disturbed by it as I am - because he is more conditioned to hearing that type of language. My parents were kind and loving to eachother, so for me, I am very, very uncomfortable around that type of language. I am very, very uncomfortable around my FIL - even though he is kind to ME.

You want your LO to grow up NOT being accustomed to verbal abuse, so that they can spot it more easily. I am having a hard time figuring out how to let my LO spend time with my FIL because of his abuse towards his wife. I would never, EVER let my LO spend time with him without me being there, and will limit even that IF he can't speak politely to ALL others in my/our presence. My DH is not abusive AT ALL, but because he grew up in that environment, he doesn't really notice, as it is "just the way his dad is".

Thank you for your extensive reply. No pint going to his Commanding Officer, he is a Paratrooper. Many of them are like this and I can't imagine they'd care.

And your hit the nail on the head with being conditioned to the language (to an extent). My dad used the 'F' word and 'C' word when I was growing up and had an awful temper. He was very scary and unreasonable.

I hope your FIL will behave around your LO. It must be stressful to think he may not. And good job you O is unaffected by way of it rubbing off on him.



Thank you everyone for your replies. I appreciate them all
Getting it out and talking it about it helps. As does outside opinions.

 

[animalcracker]

I need to know from an outsider's point of view because he does this sort of thing a lot and then tells me things like "you're an annoying b***h and I don't want to be with you anymore" "you are such a knob" "I don't give a fuck, you can raise this baby yourself" and more.

This is unacceptable. I would never allow anyone to speak to me in that manner and neither should you. I would have a serious talk with him. If he is speaking to you like this, either he doesn't respect you or he is a pompous, immature ass - or both.

I would tell him that you are not going to take this behaviour anymore. If he wants to clean up his act, fine. If he doesn't, get rid of him.

Honestly, what a complete asshole. This is NEVER ok. I am so sorry you are dealing with that.

To be honest I am surprised I have put up with it. Partly I've kept quiet when he has in the past to avoid his temper. Now I stand up to him it gets worse. I have told him if things don't change I can't take any more and we will split. Since then he has chilled out. But we'll see if he can keep it up.

You're the mother of this child, you have more rights over the baby than he ever will. Let him take you to court, because I'm sure he'll be the one to regret it when the judge hears about his stinking attitude and violent nature. He hasn't a leg to stand on.

Life will be difficult anyway if you DO stay with him x

I did think I would have more rights. But the idea of him trying is upsetting. I hope he just said it out of anger and won't do it. When he is angry he is vicious and his judgement and reasoning is clouded.
You are probably right, it would be difficult either way. Not a happy thought.

Thanks everyone. I just wish things could be like they were in the beginning. I'm afraid of him making my life difficult if we split. He said he'd go for custody. The thought of another woman trying to play mummy makes me feel sick. Plus Christmas and Birthdays will be hard.
I really thought this was it this time and I'd have my happy family
But if he goes back to talking to me like he has it's over. I take any more walking on egg shells.

I just saw your post here, and wanted to respond (even though I am still as second trimester girl). DOCUMENT, DOCUMENT, DOCUMENT every single time he calls you a name, insults you in front of the little one or displays his anger. Even better would be to have a tape recorder in your house to tape the language he uses. SAVE EVERY SINGLE TEXT/EMAIL that he sends you where he uses that language.

In addition to going to court, you can also go to his superiors in the military. I would let him know that if he is welcome to try for custody, and you would be more than happy to go to his commanding officers and let them know about his behaviors. Generally, they DO NOT take that sort of thing well.

He is using the threats, again, to control you. Get your ducks in a row (i.e LOTS of evidence to show his abusive nature), find a decent lawyer, and get out as soon as you can.

You do not want this person modeling this type of behavior to your LO. Part of the reason that you have been able to tolerate it for so long is because you had abusive language modeled to you as a child, so it isn't as shocking to you as it should be . My DH's father is abusive, and is verbally abusive to his wife (DH's stepmother, his mom left his dad), and my DH isn't as disturbed by it as I am - because he is more conditioned to hearing that type of language. My parents were kind and loving to eachother, so for me, I am very, very uncomfortable around that type of language. I am very, very uncomfortable around my FIL - even though he is kind to ME.

You want your LO to grow up NOT being accustomed to verbal abuse, so that they can spot it more easily. I am having a hard time figuring out how to let my LO spend time with my FIL because of his abuse towards his wife. I would never, EVER let my LO spend time with him without me being there, and will limit even that IF he can't speak politely to ALL others in my/our presence. My DH is not abusive AT ALL, but because he grew up in that environment, he doesn't really notice, as it is "just the way his dad is".

Thank you for your extensive reply. No pint going to his Commanding Officer, he is a Paratrooper. Many of them are like this and I can't imagine they'd care.

And your hit the nail on the head with being conditioned to the language (to an extent). My dad used the 'F' word and 'C' word when I was growing up and had an awful temper. He was very scary and unreasonable.

I hope your FIL will behave around your LO. It must be stressful to think he may not. And good job you O is unaffected by way of it rubbing off on him.



Thank you everyone for your replies. I appreciate them all
Getting it out and talking it about it helps. As does outside opinions.

One other thing I wanted to mention - you do not want your child to grow up in an environment where his or her father is speaking to his/her mother in this manner.

I would highly suggest you tell him this. Tell him that you will not put up with it any longer. He cleans up his act or he is out the door. Give him one more chance if you like , but after that, he's out. I wish you all the best!!!

 

[Lawhra]

Thank you. I have already told him, both things. He knows I'm unhappy and won't put up with it anymore. In all honesty I don't think we'll last long as I don't think he can keep his anger under control. Time will tell.

 

[Stargazer77]

You are getting some good advice from girlies here.... I wasn't going to comment until I saw your scan photo..... lol lol I LOVE it!! Sooooo cute!!!


(Hugs for the rest )

 

[animalcracker]

Thank you. I have already told him, both things. He knows I'm unhappy and won't put up with it anymore. In all honesty I don't think we'll last long as I don't think he can keep his anger under control. Time will tell.

I know how difficult this is for you. Hang in there with your head held high. He has a lot of growing up to do. The best advice I can give you is to never settle because you deserve a real man who will treat you like a queen.

BTW your avatar scan picture is the most adorable I have seen. Your baby looks like as if it is doing some abdominal crunches! It's so cute!!!

 

[Lawhra]

Stargazer 77 - Thank you, it makes me chuckle And now he's here he still makes me chuckle He is gorgeous!

animalcracker - Thank you so much for your kind encouraging words. And I do love that pic, I wanted to update with him now but he is so cute in that photo I have to leave it

 

[romeo.juliet]

Guys are utter assholes to say the least. you're not wrong at all. You gave your opinion based on your understanding of the situation. He overreacted like a kid or something. I told my OH on the phone today I didn't want to argue about dishes b/c he's at home cleaning and I'm at work and he hung up on me. So i sent him a txt saying I'm tired of of being hung up on and he txt back that I'm nasty and don't care and called me an asshole! over dirty dishes! MEN SUCK!!

 

[Lawhra]

Guys are utter assholes to say the least. you're not wrong at all. You gave your opinion based on your understanding of the situation. He overreacted like a kid or something. I told my OH on the phone today I didn't want to argue about dishes b/c he's at home cleaning and I'm at work and he hung up on me. So i sent him a txt saying I'm tired of of being hung up on and he txt back that I'm nasty and don't care and called me an asshole! over dirty dishes! MEN SUCK!!

Oh jeez what is wrong with them! My boyfriend took to doing that too. It's so frustrating. And the little things these situations arise from is so silly.
Bloody idiots aren't they!