O/T - In Dilemma over Best Friend

[jaybee]

ok, there is SOOOO much history here, but I shall just talk about the most recent 'incident'
This isn't about her and mine friendship as such, more about her actions.

She has been married for about 4 years and has an 18 month old boy. They are going through a very though time financially and her hubby is very stressed because of it and their relationship is strained.
I live about three hours from her now, when I lived in the same town we were together all the time.

Before she met her husband, whilst with her prior long term BF, she had an affair with another guy who is about 8 years older than us and was in a long term relationship. This went on for about 4 or 5 years on and off while we were 18 to about 23. They stopped their affair and pretty much stopped seeing each other when he married his girlfriend and she met her hubby to be.

In the last 8 months, she has picked up with this older guy again. To begin with it was just friendship, but inevitably it turned into a physical affair again. (he now has a 6 yo litle girl with his wife)

Things got to a head about two months ago, where they had the discussion about leaving their OH's. They both wanted to, but couldn't do it to their children. So they stopped the affair, but have continued the friendship. This is where we are now.

My dilemma is this, I LOATHE this man, i think he is a shifty, coniving B*&^%D who uses my friend, winds her round his little finger and just plays with her.
I honestly think she is making a huge mistake to continue seeing this guy, as in my mind while he is there, she cannot put the effort needed into fixing her marriage.
Each time he goes to their house, or they meet up I can't help but feel terrible for her husband.

I have spoken to her about it and given my honest opinion, as we have a very good relationship and I can tell her if I think she is making a mistake. She listened but disagreed and obviously has carried on... which is totally her right.
It does mean that I am very uncomfortable in her company now, becuase she talks lots about this other man and he is sometimes around on the odd occasion I can visit. I am starting to make excuses to not see her and I hate that!

I just don't know what to do. On one side I should support her decisions wholeheartedly because she is my friend and I have always said that is what friends do. But on the other side, it sickens me to see her having an 'emotional affair' with this pig!

Thank you for reading this essay if you have got to the bottom, and if you have any suggestions, they would be very welcome!

 

[Natasha2605]

What can you say really? You've said your piece, like a good friend should, she hasn't listened. Personally I'd tell her you were taking a step back from both your friend and the sitation but let her know you'd still be there for her if you needed to be. I really don't know what else to suggest xx

 

[twinklestar]

i feel very strongly about affairs on three levels

1 - he is married and has a family, your friend could break that family as well as her own leaving children without full time dads/mums

2- married men/women are off limits and i think women esp should respect that

3- as a point of respect if someone isnt happy within a marriage/relstionship, they should leave , not cheat its very hurtfull and disrespectfull

i think you should try and talk to your friend and put those points across, i know life isnt always easy but for the children and familys involved affairs are NEVER a good thing

i have been in this situation when a friend of mine was seeing a married man, i told her all the time she was i couldnt see or talk to her as i didnt agree at all

x

 

[jaybee]

i feel very strongly about affairs on three levels

1 - he is married and has a family, your friend could break that family as well as her own leaving children without full time dads/mums

2- married men/women are off limits and i think women esp should respect that

3- as a point of respect if someone isnt happy within a marriage/relstionship, they should leave , not cheat its very hurtfull and disrespectfull

i think you should try and talk to your friend and put those points across, i know life isnt always easy but for the children and familys involved affairs are NEVER a good thing

i have been in this situation when a friend of mine was seeing a married man, i told her all the time she was i couldnt see or talk to her as i didnt agree at all

x

I totally agree with all of those points and have put them across to her, and fundamentally she says she agrees. But her heart is ruling her head!

Luckiy cos i am three hours away, it is easier to distance myself.

 

[twinklestar]

i feel for you hun, its a hard position as her friend, i guess like you say its a little easier as shes far away

youve done all you can if you have told her how you feel x x

 

[jaybee]

thanks ladies.