OH asked to be godfather

[TwilightAgain]

I need some insight on this as my opinion is obviously biased so please give me yours.

My OH has been asked to be godparent to his cousins baby. He has agreed to do it because it is easier than saying no, he is not religious in the slightest - nor has he ever met the baby.

When he was first asked, I wasn't happy and I made my thoughts on this very clear. I can't get over the fact that he will have to stand in church and promise to uphold religious vows that he does not believe in (the parents are not religious either, I think it's just for the tradition and a party). However OH has gone ahead and agreed to do it. I'm not happy about it but I won't stop him.

The christening is this Sunday and every time I think about it I feel sick. Sick because of the idea of watching my OH stand in front of an audience and state that he will promise to raise the child in the eyes of Christ (Or something along those lines) among other things whilst knowing full well that they are empty words. His argument is that if its not important to the parents I.e they are not religious, then it does not matter if he is not religious either.

However as far as I am concerned, it is a religious ceremony and if no one believes in it then what is the point, they might as well just have a party in my opinion. I'm the kind of person who tries to live by my values of honesty and being genuine which is why I think I feel so strongly about this. I don't think I can just sit back and watch those words come out of my OH's mouth knowing that it is a facade. I get why he is doing it, he doesn't want to disappoint his cousin - even though he feels that he is only being asked because his cousin has no one else to ask.

My question is, is it unreasonable for me to say that he should go alone? Or should I go along to support him regardless? Please be honest, I am so torn.

Also just to add, I also asked if my OH could speak to his cousin to see if the vows could be changed to be non-religious so he wouldn't have to promise anything he wouldn't mean as I have read about people doing this but he was insistent that he did not want to be awkward and cause a fuss.

 

[Pearls18]

I sympathise in that I relate to not having the belief, I christened my children and got married in a church as a hopeful agnostic, I am now quite vehemently against organised religion and would rather see the end of it in mainstream society. However, I was bestowed the honour of being godmother to my niece and would never dream of turning it down, I said the vows and of course I'm not going to instill the Christian faith in her, but it was her special day and I was there for her and my brother and SIL. In all honesty I think it's only a decision for your OH, I would just go for him and think it would be OTT to opt not to go, personally.

 

[mummyfin]

I was brought up to be religious but I'm not particularly religious now and DH is an atheist, but we had DS and DD christened. Both godmothers are atheists.

We didn't have a party or anything but it was quite important to me to do, partly to appoint the godmothers who genuinely are people I hope will guide the kids and have a big part in their lives, partly because I'd like them to grow up going by a lot of the values and morals followed by that church (it's a fairly liberal church, more help others and less stone them to death) and partly because I feel if they grow up atheists they won't care about other people making promises to look after them, but if they choose to be religious I would have taken the opportunity away from them.

To me, it means a lot to be chosen as the person someone would trust their child with most, all religious aspects aside. I'm sure what he would be saying would be genuine as far as the intention to help the child if they need it?

I would definitely do it, but then I suppose someone who was extremely religious wouldn't agree to be a godparent in a ceremony for a different religion, acknowledging a different God, so atheists should really be given the same consideration.

 

[babyrough]

I agree in that I don't see the point in christening a child if the parents aren't religious.
However I was asked to be godmother to my friends little girl and I said yes. She knows I'm not religious and she told the priest this who said I could be more of a 'special friend' instead to look out for her. I'm still listed as a godparent but I didn't stand and say anything and I think that was much better. Maybe this could be an option? In some churches you can't be a godparent if your not christened yourself anyway (although quite how they check I don't know)
I would still go if I were you, but then I suppose it depends on your relationship with them. I agreed and went to my friends daughters christenings even though I don't see why they got them christened, they go to church at easter and Christmas because the whole family does. But other than that they don't practise religion so I personally don't see the point.

 

[TwilightAgain]

Yeah I mean I've asked if he would maybe request that to have different vows or not say anything but he doesn't want to cause a fuss. I don't understand why they have asked him to be honest, I know it's an honour especially if you are close to the family but the baby is 8 months old and we have never met her - I can't see him playing much of a role in her life which makes it seem bonkers.

I've spoken to OH and he knows how I feel. I've told him I'm considering not going but I'm not dead set on a decision at the moment. Thanks for your opinions ladies, please do keep them coming.

 

[Midnight_Fairy]

Mine are not christened as I dont see the point if not religious, it holds no meaning to me BUT if your OH is happy to do it then no harm will be done. You dont need to be religious to guide the way.

 

[LoraLoo]

Im not sure where you are- but here our church States all godparents must be christened themselves- is your husband christened? I understand it differs church to church.

As for the actual ceremony, Id support your husband and go along. I think it's highly unlikely they'd change the wording as its a religious ceremony, but I think you can interperate the wording in different ways.

Mine are all christened and I just like to think that the God parents would guide the kids in the right direction, you could look at that as being in gods way or just think of it as a morally right way ... Being kind to others etc.

 

[Tasha]

I don't really think it's your place to try and change the wording of the ceremony tbh. I know it makes you uncomfortable but ultimately it is about the baby, her parents and your partner. If you can't be there then that's your choice but I would just say I was ill or something for my partners sake.

 

[Midnight_Fairy]

I would also go to support my partner.

 

[LoveCakes]

I am religious and dislike when people use a church (wedding/ christening etc...) as a nice backdrop for a party. We had very few people to choose from as godparents for our chikdren as I wanted them to be actual godparents. Friends had appointed other friends as a nice gesture but itbwasvthen about making the adults feel good. I don't know why there isn't a civil ceremony as an alternative to a christening like with civil marriages. Councils should do naming ceremonies, they'd make a fortune and it would give non religious people another option.

That said, to the OP I'd still go along to support him and be part of his family's celebration. I also wouldn't intervene, as others have said its not your place. You don't have to like it but it's not your call.

 

[TwilightAgain]

Thank you all for your opinion.

I still feel conflicted though and glad I've got a couple of days to make my mind up. I wouldn't of minded if we'd had to go as family members but them asking my OH to vow something he does not mean puts a knot in my stomach.

I got the idea from online whereby atheists feel conflicted as to what to do if they don't want to say the vows and apparently the vicar can skip over them so they don't have to say anything out loud but they would still be god parents.

I don't mean to be an awkward coo but it makes me see my OH in a different light - almost like he's doing an injustice to himself and I feel like it makes him
a fraud - with regards to this only. I can't explain why I feel so strongly about it, one of his qualities that I admire is his honesty but this just goes against everything I love about him and he's going along with it just for the sake of not upsetting anyone. I can't seem to shake these feelings, I want to but I can't. I'm trying to face up to the reality that I might just have to go just to support him but I feel like a fraud myself for supporting this whole affair that is obviously nothing but an opportunity for a family party.

I wish I didn't care so much but I do.

I agree that a civil ceremony non religious would be quite a good thing.

I'm thinking I might go but ask him to cross his fingers during the vows lol.

 

[Pearls18]

Thing is those are your feelings but this is about the baby, her parents and your OH, he is supporting them, they're just words, they don't mean anything it only really means something when you truly believe, so unless he had a different religion I don't see what the big deal is. It's his decision and I think it's unfair to be so judgemental about it, if he doesn't see the issue I don't see why you should unless you were being asked to be a godparent yourself. I can't begin to tell you how much I hate organised religion at this moment in time, I feel like I've had an epiphany in the last few months, but it's just words, the truth of it is I am sure the parents don't actually intend on them all raising them in the way a christening ceremony suggests but no one is harming anyone, it's a nice day just don't over think it.

 

[PitaKat]

I don't think it's unreasonable not to go. I too would have a hard time watching my husband verbally commit to something he doesn't believe in and know that he has no intention of following through. I don't think that's something you have to support.

 

[Tasha]

There are civil naming ceremonies. Any where that you can get married like a registry office can do them. Lots of people it is about tradition though and also the thought of what if there is a god.

I'm not religious at all, never had any of my kids christened yet got my girls who were born sleeping blessed. I don't really understand why I did it but it felt important when I did.

 

[lau86]

I think lots of people have a christening as a tradition thing, it's just 'what you do', some parents see it as being for the sake of the baby so it doesn't matter if they believe.
I would just go, it wouldn't be a big deal to me as i would see it as my partners choice and if he wants to do it ok. I don't believe and my kids aren't christened and I've resisted doing it.

 

[Lucasmum]

Its not something I have done or will do as I'm not religious in the slightest but I do understand why some people like to do it, I have 2 godchildren, my goddaughters parents dont go to church week in week out but they are religious and it was important to them and I felt honored to be asked, they know my views and accept that, my godson however is a complete different kettle of fish I refused the offer as it was a catholic service (I'm christened myself CoE) and she said it will be OK my uncle is the preist, I feel I was bullied into it and its all false I also havebnt seen this child for 6 years

I understand your dilemma but I think I would go along to support your OH, as for the wording being changed I'm not sure if that can be done but like your OH I wouldnt have asked either as I wouldnt have wanted to cause a fuss

 

[LoveCakes]

my godson however is a complete different kettle of fish I refused the offer as it was a catholic service (I'm christened myself CoE) and she said it will be OK my uncle is the preist, I feel I was bullied into it and its all false I also havebnt seen this child for 6 years

Only one of the godparents needs to be Catholic, the other can be any Christian as long as they were baptised. You don't need to know all the catholic specifics. One of my daughters godparents is Presbyterian and we are Catholic and if be happy for her to ask him about religious things.

 

[mummyfin]

Mine were christened Church of Scotland, I was a member but DH and the godparents didn't need to be. Can't for the life of me remember the exact wording of their vows, but it was along the lines of supporting the child through life and teaching them the morals and values of the Church, rather than actually saying they personally believed in Christianity, whereas my part included a sort of reconfirmation to Christianity.

I can see why you think it's odd they've chosen someone who won't be in her life much though. My DS' godmother is my SIL and DD's godmother has been my best friend for 20 odd years, and both are in their lives. It does seem a bit disingenuous to have a sort of figurehead godparent.
​

 

[TwilightAgain]

Thanks all for your advice.

I've decided to not be an awkward moo and I'm going to go and support him ... But he has promised to cross his fingers during the vows.

 

[Lucasmum]

my godson however is a complete different kettle of fish I refused the offer as it was a catholic service (I'm christened myself CoE) and she said it will be OK my uncle is the preist, I feel I was bullied into it and its all false I also havebnt seen this child for 6 years

Only one of the godparents needs to be Catholic, the other can be any Christian as long as they were baptised. You don't need to know all the catholic specifics. One of my daughters godparents is Presbyterian and we are Catholic and if be happy for her to ask him about religious things.

I didnt know this, still feel her reasonings for asking were wrong though