OH still hasn't told family

[caandii]

It's driving me crazy. Our son is five months old and my OH still hasn't told his family about either of us. Help!!
His family are religious, so don't believe in sex before marriage, they live in Africa and don't speak a single word of English.
I'm at my wits end, I've tried talking to him and he keeps saying he'll tell them once were married...
I don't know what to do. I would appreciate any input, support, advice, anything.....

 

[Reidfidleir]

Why won't he tell them? If religious isn't honesty the best thing? What are his fears specifically?

 

[bookworm0901]

Aw I wish he would!!

My sister was so nervous to tell my mom about her pregnancy that she was 7-8 months before she told- my mom lived out of state and couldnt see. My mom was actually more upset and hurt that she waited so long.

Maybe tell him that his parents are going to be so hurt that they are missing out on their grandsons life, more than upset about an unplanned pregnancy? Or....he could just tell them that you had a small ceremony- courthouse type thing- and that when you have an 'official ceremony' you will invite friends and family?

I'm so sorry, I would be upset.

 

[Sunshine12]

Id be asking him why after you are married makes any difference as they are going to know you had sex anyway when they do the math?? When are you getting married? Arent they going to be at the wedding and see your baby anyway??

 

[LoveMyBaby786]

Something similar happened in my family. An uncle had a baby and then married later on and didnt even tell my nan until the poor child was 3 years on! She was never angry at the child but she was at my uncle for keeping it a secret. You should persuade him to tell his parents as its only fair they should know they have a grandchild and soon to be daughter in law. Hope things work out for the best x

 

[Indi84]

i remember you from before, sorry it hasn't resolved itself. silly question, but why not get married then? have a quick and cheapy, then a big one later of you want it.
do his family visit often?

 

[ktod]

Did his uncle ever meet your baby? (This was possibly going to happen in your previous thread)

What do you personally want to happen in the future? Do you want to marry him? Do you want to be involved in his family and/or religion?

If you do then you need to find out why your OH is dragging this out so long

 

[AnneD]

I hate to say it, but from his point of view, why would he tell them if he hasn't done so yet? If they don't speak English, and are unlikely to come over, are religious and would disapprove of sex before marriage, you and your baby (because of the previous two reasons), his life is a lot easier if they know nothing of the situation. I don't know but he could have a wife already back home or an arranged marriage waiting to happen, or something. Have you ever been there? How does he keep in touch with his family? More importantly, how long are you willing to put up with the situation, and how important is it to you that he marries you and/or tells his family?

 

[fingers_cross]

where in africa is ur oh from?

ETA: I dont mean to be negative but i would be worried about the fact that he doesnt want to tell them. i have had 2 serious relationships with african men (one of 3 years and one of 5 (very serious in my eyes)) and both ended up having serious long term girlfriends back home, of whom they planned to marry in the future. My recent ex (the one of 5 years) we lived together, talked about children (I have a 7 month old son from him, a week after we broke up i found out i was pregnant, he still hasnt told his family about him) etc and he was cheating and lying a lot behind my back. He still in his charming ways tells me ill never know how much i mean to him and i taught him how real love is..yeh thats why u slept with a million girls behind my back and have a serious girlfriend back home to whom u plan to marry and also another girlfriend behind her back! the only reason i found out about any of that is that im a snoop...if dont look u dont find..and i prefer to know what i have.

im not saying everyone is the same but id definitely be concerned with the fact he doesnt want to tell them, i honestly would.

dont mean to be negative, i really dont but this just makes me worried for u!xxx

 

[katherinegrey]

I agree this sounds dodgy, surely they're going to realise you had sex before marriage once they work out your son is already five months old and you're still unmarried, like someone else said does he have a wife or an arranged marriage back home?? When are you planning on getting married? Is he inviting them to the wedding? Are you happy with you and your son being kept a secret? If this were me I'd be running as fast as I could in the opposite direction, I couldn't have me and my boy as someones dirty little secret, no matter how religious his family are.

 

[randomrach]

where in africa is ur oh from?

ETA: I dont mean to be negative but i would be worried about the fact that he doesnt want to tell them. i have had 2 serious relationships with african men (one of 3 years and one of 5 (very serious in my eyes)) and both ended up having serious long term girlfriends back home, of whom they planned to marry in the future. My recent ex (the one of 5 years) we lived together, talked about children (I have a 7 month old son from him, a week after we broke up i found out i was pregnant, he still hasnt told his family about him) etc and he was cheating and lying a lot behind my back. He still in his charming ways tells me ill never know how much i mean to him and i taught him how real love is..yeh thats why u slept with a million girls behind my back and have a serious girlfriend back home to whom u plan to marry and also another girlfriend behind her back! the only reason i found out about any of that is that im a snoop...if dont look u dont find..and i prefer to know what i have.

im not saying everyone is the same but id definitely be concerned with the fact he doesnt want to tell them, i honestly would.

dont mean to be negative, i really dont but this just makes me worried for u!xxx

^wss

I would be worried about that as Muslims tend to have arranged marriages. It may not be that but I wouldn't be happy if my oh refused to admit we exist to his family xx

 

[Leids]

It sounds sheisty, as others have said. I can't imagine keeping such a huge secret from my family. I understand that cultures vary greatly but family is family. I would dig a bit more and see if there are other reasons. Since he doesn't want his family to know, I assume that he wouldn't want them at the wedding either because then it would be obvious. Ask him for a courthouse marriage and see what he says.

If it were me, I would feel devastated that someone was ashamed enough of me and my son that they would keep a secret from family. It would bother me enough that despite love I would probably move on from the situation if he out-right refused to tell his family. This is just how I would feel personally though.

I hope everything works out. Is he young? Is his family life volatile? I guess there could be more than what we're seeing.

 

[kmbabycrazy]

Are they Muslim? You never actually said, and a lot of Africa is Christian so doesn't necessarily mean he has an arranged marriage. But I agree, it does some fishy and I would be doing some digging. Like others have said, even if you did get married his family would surely realise that you already had a child before you were married. I would feel like his family would be more upset about having a member of their family kept secret from them, then him having sex before marriage x

 

[StaceyKor]

I hate to say it, but I agree with others, this sounds so dodgy!! As a few people have said, marriage is irrelevant at this point, his family will obviously know he had sex before marriage. I would try to snoop a bit and see if theres possibly anything else going on. Theres no way I could live in a situation where not so much myself, but my baby was being kept secret, its just not right x

 

[randomrach]

Kmbabycrazy

Sorry, didn't mean to insinuate that OPs OH was surely Muslim. I meant I would be worried IF his family are Muslim as arranged marriages are common.

 

[bumblebeexo]

Sorry, but it does sound a bit dodgy! His parents would find out either way that you had sex before marriage if he told them after the wedding.

I personally couldn't be in a relationship where I was a 'secret', especially not when we had a child!

 

[kmbabycrazy]

Kmbabycrazy

Sorry, didn't mean to insinuate that OPs OH was surely Muslim. I meant I would be worried IF his family are Muslim as arranged marriages are common.

It's okay you weren't the only one to mention arranged marriage so I wasn't sure if I'd missed her say it x

 

[caandii]

Thanks for the replies. For those of you who haven't read any of my posts before- yes he is Muslim and his family are very strict Muslims. Their marriage ceremonies are really just a signing of a certificate with two witnesses, no family need to be their so his family wouldn't find it weird to not be invited and probably wouldn't question dates or anything.
No he is not very young he'll be 31 in October.
He wants me to become Muslim before we are married.
I have tried talking to him to sort thing out- doesnt work. I've tried telling him that I'm done and can't take it any more- doesnt work.
When his 'uncle' came over I was very suspicious, he told him we were married and introduced him as his uncle but the look on his 'uncles' face was as if to say ''what? I'm not ur uncle''
I have never met any his family and the two years we've been together he's never been home, they communicate via Skype.
Of course I hate being kept a secret, I want to meet his family and they deserve to meet our son I just don't know what else I can do

 

[randomrach]

I can understand why he would be reluctant to tell them as they probably wouldn't accept it but you can't suddenly divide you're a Muslim if that isn't what you believe. After being with him for 2 years and not deciding to convert it seems like you maybe don't want to?

 

[Noelle610]

Okay... It sounds like he is scared. That said, he needs to tell them if he wants them to be part of your life. Better now than later. This is only going to get more weird the longer it goes on.

You mentioned that you've talked to him and that he's not responsive. I would suggest counseling. You need an unbias party to help him understand your predicament. He's likely so paralyzed with fear that he's struggling to take any action at this point.