OH took over for a day

[Marie000]

Usually, when OH is not working, we sit at the breakfast table and discuss what we will do that day.

OH's plan usually is "I need to do X and Y this morning, and Z this afternoon. I'd really like some time off too. Oh... and then I'll take care of the baby at some point so you can have a bit of time off."
Of course, the taking care of the baby rarely really happens. He'll put her down for naps, and hold her for a few minutes here and there, but that's about it.

For me, all my plans (usually housework) revolve around the baby's schedule. If the baby lets me, and if she takes long naps, I'll do things.

Yesterday, I just broke down. We got into a big fight and in the end, OH agreed that he needed to do more with the baby. So he told me he would take care of the baby 100% yesterday and I could just rest or do whatever.

I told him one day is not what I wanted, but he wouldn't budge. Fine. I'll take it.

So yesterday, he decided that on top of taking care of the baby, he needed to clean up the kitchen, make pickles from our leftover cucumbers, do some work outside, etc., etc.
So for half the day, I ended up having to distract lo because she wouldn't let OH work. Apparently cooking with a clingy baby isn't easy. Who knew? Then she made a huge poop in her diaper and OH was super busy with other things, so he kept putting off changing her. So I changed her. He put her down for a nap, but he was outside when she woke up, so I went to pick her up, changed her diaper and kept her in my arms until he came back inside, half an hour later.
Then after dinner, he was finally going to change her and get her ready for bed. He ended up needing help with the diaper and lo was too squirmy for him to change by himself. And then putting on a pyjama is complicated, so he asked me to do it.
Then he put her to bed, she woke up 10 minutes later and I went up to get her back to sleep.

At the end of the day, he kept complaining about how exhausted he was, and his back was tired (he recently hurt his back, so he's not supposed to strain it). I told him he didn't need to do all that work, but he told me it needed to be done, and he really wanted to take some weight off my shoulders.

Meanwhile, I have never been so tired after a "day off"

Next time, I'm leaving the house, even if it's just to hide in the wood.

 

[cat_reversing]

seems you had a relaxing time! oh does this too, if he's looking after lo then any extra task I have to watch her but I manage to go to the toilet, change the bed, make her breakfast, tidy up etc with her so why can't he? I blame most men's lack of multitasking ability....
I agree that next time you go somewhere else, even if it's only for a walk, let him handle it without you around then maybe start scheduling a regular trip, out for coffee with friends or something then he'll get the message.

 

[Eleanor ace]

Oh man that would drive me insane!! DH isn't great at multitasking but he does understand that baby comes first, and he should only do other stuff if LO doesn't need him. I hope this is a wake up call to your OH and that he starts trying harder!

 

[JessyG]

what a wondeful day of! I cant imagine how my oh would get on looking after B for a whole day. One night feed and he is frustrated and tired! definitely leave the house next time.

 

[biglebowski]

Wow how relaxing for you!! Id defo make plans next time so that he has to get on with things himself. The sentiment was there but he clearly didn't realise Lo doesn't always get the memo that tasks come first. He won't realise that if you are on hand to see to Lo when he is on duty.

 

[kimberleyrobx]

Your bloody lucky he even attempted to do anything! I break down to OH all the time about our babies and house work and how i need a break too. He just doesnt see it. The only time he even interacts with our babies is if im in a very bad mood and trying to avoid him. He isnt playing with them out of kindness, he is only playing with them because he knows it makes me angrier and hes trying to 'prove' that he does do things with them, just when im not there apparently and he only ever does house work if im in a bad mood too. Just to 'make the point that i do, do things in the house' and it pisses me off so much because he knows exactly what hes doing hes getting a tiny bit better these last couple of weeks, but now because he is doing 'some' house work, he now thinks its his responsibility to tell me to 'get up off my arse and do something!' now that hes taking 5 minutes away from his computer screen to change them, he thinks he has the right to boss me around and make me feel useless :-/ but i think it is great that your OH is doing something for you, and is trying to give you a break... your lucky! xx

 

[Marie000]

Problem is, with OH, it's all or nothing. He will either spend his day playing videogames, or he will kill himself with work. Drives me nuts.
So in regards to the baby, yesterday ended up being like any other day: he did what he wanted and took care of lo when it suit his schedule.

I feel like I am more of a parent than he is. He will help if I ask, but ultimately it is my responsibility. I know it sounds trivial, but I wish sometimes he would tell me "I need to do X, can you watch the baby for a while?" Instead, he just does what he needs to do. Me watching the baby is always implied. And then he tells me if I am overwhelmed it's because I don't ask for help often enough. And the reason why he never changes a diaper is because I don't ask him. What overwhelms me is not the diapers, it's the idea that I am always the one responsible for making sure the baby is taken care of.

I really need to leave him alone with the baby, but we're in the middle of nowhere.

 

[JessyG]

oh i know...my oh just said to me i need my haircut so literally jumped in the car and off he went. if i said that he would say but i have this and that to do. it is just implied that i will always stay at home with Bella even on his days off. he wants cuddles but not to feed her. he enjoys talking to her when it suits but hates changing her poo nappies 'because they smell' no shit! it is poo afterall.

 

[Miss Vintage]

Urgh, my OH is exactly the same, it seems to be an unwritten rule that I will do all the baby stuff, and only if I ask will he help. And it's not a case of him not realising. He makes such a big deal of it, and if I hear "but you're mummy" one more time, I will scream.

 

[Lawgirl]

I seriously don't understand men like this. It's not the 1950s! I'm really lucky that my OH wants to be a hands on dad and volunteers to change dirty nappies, give me a break, etc.

Put your foot down! He helped make the baby, so he has to help with the caring.

 

[shanny]

Problem is, with OH, it's all or nothing. He will either spend his day playing videogames, or he will kill himself with work. Drives me nuts.

mine is same as this !!!!!!!!!!

 

[hubblybubbly]

Drives me insane, he'll look after them if they fit in with what he's doing but won't adapt his schedule to accommodate them...at least now the toddler can join in drilling a hole to put up a roller blind (current activity) while I lok after the little one!

 

[marymoomin]

Definitely leave the house. I started doing this when my eldest daughter was about 3 mths. He was nervous to begin with but I went back to work full time when she was4 mths and he did all the child care. He became very capable because he had to.
The twins he finds harder work, as they are still bf, but he copes. Just leave him to get on with it. He will manage.

 

[Marie000]

I would drive away, but I don't drive. I could go for a walk, I guess, but there's not really anywhere to go around here. Maybe I'll just grab a book or some knitting and go sit in a park.

 

[lily28]

How about your DH does some house work and cooking while you take care of the baby, take a nap etc?
I'm sure you tried to tell him, but I think one time is not enough.
My DH is doing the cooking and buys groceries, plus washes dishes every once in a while. It is still tiring doing everything else and taking care of the baby, but I at least don't worry about the food and the dishes.

 

[080509]

Honestly just go out, anywhere even if its just a rummage round the shops for you time, i find that if i get "time off", i end up going nuts and finding things which should be done properly, so i figure as long as i know he can look after a baby, and he's not in any danger then they soon work out how to do things when you arent there to help, lol. Im lucky in the sense my OH has been good with ours from the start, but with our first i had an appointment 8 weeks PP and i couldn't take LO, when i came back he knew exactly how to do things!

 

[sillysapling]

My biggest concern is that he went out of the house after putting the baby down for a nap and didn't come back in until half an hour after she woke up. If he stayed in the house while looking after the baby, he could hear the baby when she cries if it gets bad. I would not want to get out from a day out to find your husband outside and your baby screaming inside for god knows how long.

If you can trust your husband not to do that while he's alone with the baby- I'd definitely just leave. Find somewhere to sit and relax that's in walking distance if at all possible. If you have a cell phone, keep it on you in case there's a serious emergency- but it'll really force him to take care of the baby and be responsible, because he can't just expect you to pick up the baby whenever he's busy.

I seriously don't understand men like this. It's not the 1950s! I'm really lucky that my OH wants to be a hands on dad and volunteers to change dirty nappies, give me a break, etc.

Put your foot down! He helped make the baby, so he has to help with the caring.

As individuals- they completely need to take responsibility. These are their babies- if they want to be parents, they have to take the bad as well as the good!

All the parenting advice things act as though men won't be involved, though. Reading through some with OH, it's appalling that some things expect that the father won't even get a chance to bond with the baby for the first 3 months! Throughout pregnancy and still now, my partner gets frustrated because it's as though I'm the only person who matters. We both parent equally, my opinions aren't more valuable.

I don't know if that's because men have avoided taking care of kids for so long, but it definitely doesn't help. Culturally we need to expect men to take responsibility for their children. Parenting books should make it clear that men should be equal partners in parenting. Paid paternity leave should be more wide-spread and accessible so that men can stay home and help with the babies as well. Little boys should be encouraged to take care of baby dolls and such as well. Most of them will grow up to be dads, don't they need to get used to taking care of babies the same way little girls do? When, as a culture, we freak out at a boy who plays with baby dolls and say "that's for boys"- of course he'll grow up and assume that his wife will be the one to take care of the baby. He's been taught that childcare is something women do and not for men.

 

[babyblog]

Aw that made me laugh! How funny. I would definitely go out next time!

 

[Kte]

Next time, go out like you say! If your home, he knows you are around and so still leaves your baby up to you. I managed to get out once and when I came back OH was saying how he couldn't do x or y because of the kids and I said 'yep, so long as you see what I have to deal with and can understand now!'

 

[Sinead82]

Seriously ladies why do you put up with men who don't respect you enough to parent equally with you?? I am honestly baffled that men like this exist! Although pp sillysapling's post perhaps explains why!

As I am on maternity leave I am responsible for the majority of childcare, but on hubby's days off we are completely equal, there is no way he would expect me to do everything. He loves spending time with lo and will insist on letting me lie in, his attitude is that he doesn't get to see her as much as he would like because of work, so he wants to make the most of any time he has with her. When I go back to work we will be equal in everything.

I really think you need to have a serious talk with your oh, but honestly I think the fact that you would have to leave him alone with lo in order for him to realise your contribution is frightening! Where has he been for the past year??