I guess that's part of the problem, I'm stuck in this position. That's partly where the threatening to leave came from. I'm very much a family person and have always seen my future with kids (plural), and it seems he isn't so bothered.
Omg think I'm seperating with my husband over this
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wtbmummy
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Wow this does seem like a very tough situation to be in.
I agree I think some councilling is definetly needed.
Imo if you have gotten to a point in your relationship that you are threatening to leave if you don't have another, will your relationship actually last if you do??? It sounds to me like there are issues that need to be resolved within your marriage before you can seriously sit down and discuss another child.
Do you not remember those first 3-6months... Prob not... Cause they are a blur and put A LOT of strain even on the strongest of marriages. This time though, fact in a child who also has to re-adjust which will make it even harder this time round.
Also (and I really don't want to come across as to harsh) but actually even if he never does change his mind and never wants another child can't you be greatful for the little miracal you already have????
I actually didnt think I could have any children due to a hereditary illness. Finding out I could have a child was amazing. Then we thought we couldn't have another and only yesterday did I get the go ahead to consider no.2 but with my problem I have very limited time to actually carry a child.
Please remember all those out there who are desperate for children but can not have them. Or don't even meet someone they love enough to marry.
I know it doesn't help but it can help put things into perspective to remember all you do have.
I hope you find a way to come to a compromise xxx
I agree I think some councilling is definetly needed.
Imo if you have gotten to a point in your relationship that you are threatening to leave if you don't have another, will your relationship actually last if you do??? It sounds to me like there are issues that need to be resolved within your marriage before you can seriously sit down and discuss another child.
Do you not remember those first 3-6months... Prob not... Cause they are a blur and put A LOT of strain even on the strongest of marriages. This time though, fact in a child who also has to re-adjust which will make it even harder this time round.
Also (and I really don't want to come across as to harsh) but actually even if he never does change his mind and never wants another child can't you be greatful for the little miracal you already have????
I actually didnt think I could have any children due to a hereditary illness. Finding out I could have a child was amazing. Then we thought we couldn't have another and only yesterday did I get the go ahead to consider no.2 but with my problem I have very limited time to actually carry a child.
Please remember all those out there who are desperate for children but can not have them. Or don't even meet someone they love enough to marry.
I know it doesn't help but it can help put things into perspective to remember all you do have.
I hope you find a way to come to a compromise xxx
Although our marriage isn't perfect I think we would have been fine if we'd carried on trying (can't remember if I said or not but we were trying for 3 months last year before he changed his mind). Then after that I started feeling resentment that he is now denying me something I want so much and thought I was getting. I don't just want it for me I want it for my son too, I'm sure he'd love a sibling. I know what its like to have one but my hubby is an only child so he doesn't.
So now I feel perhaps our marriage is slightly damaged but I don't think it's entirely my fault.
I do feel bad for people who can't have kids but for some reason it doesn't seem so bad when it's down to nature, for me I feel like I'm being denied something that could easily be had.
Also if I was in a position where I/we were infertile id go down the adoption route.
So now I feel perhaps our marriage is slightly damaged but I don't think it's entirely my fault.
I do feel bad for people who can't have kids but for some reason it doesn't seem so bad when it's down to nature, for me I feel like I'm being denied something that could easily be had.
Also if I was in a position where I/we were infertile id go down the adoption route.
Nursekat07
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Flip flop I want you to Know that I was in the scat same situation literally 2 days ago. My husband and I never agreed on a specific number but I totally thought I was done after #2 and he was fine with that. Then we both changed our minds and wiuld mention a third here and there. Then I changed my mind and for sure wanted 3. We had a suprised pregnancy that ended in miscarriage and just about threw me over the edge. My husband changed his mind and decided he was perfectly fine with 2 and didn't want anymore. I went on meds for depression and anxiety and had so much resentment for my husband. It was overwhelming and I knew that I'd be depressed and filled with regret for the rest of my life because it was THAT important to me. I finally had a serious talk with my husband. I told him he was totally entitled to not want 3 kids but that I had changed my mind. I told him that I could try to learn to lI've without the third but the depression and anger would probably drive us apart eventually. He said he understood and long story short he agreed to try in 3 months. Our first two kids were planned and happened quickly because I charted, temped, etc etc. It took all of the fun out of it for him. He didn't want ANYTHING about a 3rd to be planned which is why he would never commit to a date and even completely changed his mind at one point. I most definitely didn't want to leave but had no idea how I would have managed if he had not agreed. I totally understand how strong the desire is for another baby. For 2 years he would tell me yes we can have a 3rd but I'm not ready yet. So I'd leave it alone for some months then gently bring it up again. I was at my breaking point and felt like he was just toying with me all this time. if he had said absolutely no, my next step would have been to go to counseling. My heart goes out to you and I truly hope that things work out for you.
And to wtbmummy, who says she ISNT greatful for the baby she already has? it's a natural desire for a woman to want children and she shouldn't be made to feel bad because there are other women in the would who can't. I am truly sorry for women who may be unable to experiene pregnancy and/or motherhood but my desire to have a third child is JUST as strong as when I didn't have any and my heart ached for one.
And to wtbmummy, who says she ISNT greatful for the baby she already has? it's a natural desire for a woman to want children and she shouldn't be made to feel bad because there are other women in the would who can't. I am truly sorry for women who may be unable to experiene pregnancy and/or motherhood but my desire to have a third child is JUST as strong as when I didn't have any and my heart ached for one.
Nursekat07
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So sorry for all of my typos!!
Thanks for your support nursekat07.
It is an all consuming desire to the point where I am also considering increasing my anxiety meds, although this time I feel more depressed than anything. I've never really suffered depression before but I can feel Myself going that way. I'm going to the dr next week to discuss it.
And yes it has nothing to do with not being grateful for my son, of course I am grateful but I wish him to have a sibling. I also think these depressing feelings I have probably negatively impact upon him.
On the plus side, I ended up a crying wreck last night about it all and oh confirmed that we will have another even if it's a few years away. That meant a lot and has cheered me up a bit. I just hope he means it and doesn't go back on it.
It is an all consuming desire to the point where I am also considering increasing my anxiety meds, although this time I feel more depressed than anything. I've never really suffered depression before but I can feel Myself going that way. I'm going to the dr next week to discuss it.
And yes it has nothing to do with not being grateful for my son, of course I am grateful but I wish him to have a sibling. I also think these depressing feelings I have probably negatively impact upon him.
On the plus side, I ended up a crying wreck last night about it all and oh confirmed that we will have another even if it's a few years away. That meant a lot and has cheered me up a bit. I just hope he means it and doesn't go back on it.
Nursekat07
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I am SO happy to hear that! Waiting is hard too so hang in there and definitely go talk to your doc if you feel you need your meds increase. I joined this site simply to respond to your thread but I'll be here until I have my last little one in my arms so definitely keep us updated! Wish you the best.
AnnieMac2
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Flip Flop - I'm sorry the posters were harsh with you. You're allowed to be emotional and frustrated, and this is usually a good place to vent. I would never offer opinions on a separation, but I think counseling is a good start. While I can see the perspective that you're pressuring him, there's also the point that he's made the family decision without even telling you. I would be very hurt if my husband and I were trying and then he backed off and wasn't honest that he wasn't really planning on ever trying again. Having your hands tied and him having the final say must be difficult.
I'm not offering any opinion, but I just wanted to say I'm sorry you're going through this. And even in your subsequent replies, you seemed more and more beaten down. You don't have to stuff your feelings away and apologize for them or agree with everyone else. I hope things get better. Will be hoping for the best for you.
I'm not offering any opinion, but I just wanted to say I'm sorry you're going through this. And even in your subsequent replies, you seemed more and more beaten down. You don't have to stuff your feelings away and apologize for them or agree with everyone else. I hope things get better. Will be hoping for the best for you.
Thanks Annie Mac. Since my last post I've been on holiday and upped my meds so I'm actually feeling a bit better now. Still not happy but getting through daily life a bit easier. I'm just going to have to be patient and wait and wait.
spunky84
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I think it's overall a crappy situation to be in - for both people.
On one hand, no, the OP cannot "force" another child into her husband's life if he's not ready/wanting another. It's not fair to him or the child.
On the other hand, having another is important to the OP. Important enough that by not having another child could cause a lot of resentment in the marriage.
I'm not saying that the OP should leave her husband over it. I do agree that counseling would probably be the best course of action. I just don't think it's fair that she's being judged so harshly for how she feels. Yes, leaving her husband would absolutely affect her child. And if the OP had another or not, there is likely to be a lot of resentment in the marriage. That's also likely going to have an affect on the child. It might be less than if the OP left, but it almost might not be less.
Wanting another has nothing to do with appreciating or not appreciating the child that she already has. It's not fair to insinuate that her strong need to have another means that she doesn't appreciate what she already has. I'm sure the OP loves her child and is grateful to have that child.
It's also not fair to compare the OP to those that cannot have children. Apples and oranges.
The OP is not the first or the last person to feel this way or go through this. I can understand her needs being 32. Yes, 32 is young, but it might be increasing the need to have another sooner than later.
When having a child is so important to someone and someone saying 'no', I can see how the OP would react in such a way. Maybe it's right, maybe it's not, but I understand where she's coming from.
I really think the best thing would be for them to go to counseling, but I don't think the OP is wrong for how she feels. There's no wrong or right way to feel in this situation as it is a delicate one. I really hope it something that can be worked out between them as it's really a tricky situation.
On one hand, no, the OP cannot "force" another child into her husband's life if he's not ready/wanting another. It's not fair to him or the child.
On the other hand, having another is important to the OP. Important enough that by not having another child could cause a lot of resentment in the marriage.
I'm not saying that the OP should leave her husband over it. I do agree that counseling would probably be the best course of action. I just don't think it's fair that she's being judged so harshly for how she feels. Yes, leaving her husband would absolutely affect her child. And if the OP had another or not, there is likely to be a lot of resentment in the marriage. That's also likely going to have an affect on the child. It might be less than if the OP left, but it almost might not be less.
Wanting another has nothing to do with appreciating or not appreciating the child that she already has. It's not fair to insinuate that her strong need to have another means that she doesn't appreciate what she already has. I'm sure the OP loves her child and is grateful to have that child.
It's also not fair to compare the OP to those that cannot have children. Apples and oranges.
The OP is not the first or the last person to feel this way or go through this. I can understand her needs being 32. Yes, 32 is young, but it might be increasing the need to have another sooner than later.
When having a child is so important to someone and someone saying 'no', I can see how the OP would react in such a way. Maybe it's right, maybe it's not, but I understand where she's coming from.
I really think the best thing would be for them to go to counseling, but I don't think the OP is wrong for how she feels. There's no wrong or right way to feel in this situation as it is a delicate one. I really hope it something that can be worked out between them as it's really a tricky situation.
AnnieMac2
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I hope he goes and that it's helpful. It looks like you're really trying hard to communicate with him. If he doesn't agree to go (or even if he does), definitely look into individual counseling for yourself. You shouldn't have to sit back and wait on him and just numb yourself to what's going on in your life until he feels like going to a counselor. Having someone reverse on a major family decision without telling you is a big deal. Your needs are valid and important as well, and you need to feel comfortable with him and your joint decisions. I'm not really thinking about the ttc dilemma, I'm worried about the fact that he decided to never have another child and you didn't even know it. Don't doubt yourself. Good luck!
I said to him if he's not keen on the councelling then we don't have to go (for now) as long as he agrees to sit down and talk things through with me. He agreed to it but now I don't know when to do it.
I am actually on the waiting list for councelling through my gp, hopefully won't be much longer now.
I really don't know what to do if he neve agrees, I know he has agrees that will have another in the future some time but can't help but think he's just saying that to stop me talking about it. If he doesn't agree then is it right for me to be this unhappy and suffer low mood/Anxiety over this for the rest of my life?
I said I wanted to discuss things tonight so we did and he was being very unreasonable saying he didn't to go through it all again, I was hoping to go through his reasons again and discuss them but he wouldn't even give me his reasons kept just saying it's everything. He said he doesn't want another and doesn't know if he ever will. I made it clear that this wasn't about me nagging him I just wanted to discuss it but I could sense his frustration. So in the end I just said I think we need to go to the councelling. He doesn't believe it will help but I see no other option.
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