On the verge of breaking up :( long!!

[Apple111]

Hi sorry you are going through this at what should be such a special time.. There is only so much you can put up with. Do what u feel u need to do for u and ur baby.. Bide ur time if necessary then u can make a decision about ur future. .. Trust ur instinct hon,, just take care of urself for now..you deserve to be treated with love and respect..u will make decision that is best for you when u r strong enough..


We r all here for u if u need to vent xx(( hugs))

 

[CutenessANR]

i am sorry for what you are going through...I wish I could say that I haven't been there, but I have...almost the exact situation, and you know...we are still together! My man cheated on me then lied about it for 9 months until i saw the baby that looked just like him and he couldn't deny it anymore. He also had several dirty chats with other women and was constantly staying late at work and went to a bar with a coworker while i was at home with his (not my) 5 kids. When we argued, and it was a lot, he would say the exact things that your man is saying....the difference is that I had somewhere to go, and I left when he told me I could go. After that it took several months for me to come back and try to work on things...he did so much to try to prove to me that he could be the man i needed and then when I got pregnant, we just got closer...and i feel like i can trust him now more than ever. I read him your story and asked from the man's perspective...what made him change? He said it is a choice. You grow up and decide that the love of that one woman is worth more than the sex from all the others. But he said if your man is content with treating you like shit because he knows you have no where to go, he will continue to do just that. Something has to happen to make him decide for himself whether or not he needs you and wants to be with you.... I truly hope it works out for the best for you and your little one, hun.

 

[karolynca]

big, big hugs....it's indeed a tough situation but you need to keep your baby first now....try (I know easier said than done) to put this in the back of your mind until the baby is born...I will keep you in my prayers

 

[_Lexi_]

Thank you for all the replies. CutenessANR, sorry to hear you've been in a similar situation. I'll be heading down to the citizens advice centre today, try to find out what my options are. Last night was horrible. He spent the whole time upstairs, then I came and slept in the spare room again. I'm sure this evening he'll expect me to stay upstairs. He keeps acting as if I'm the one in the wrong and getting angry and defensive with me. He said he'd fight for me and this baby, but I've seen no sight of that. I refuse to have him blame me, because he got caught out. I really wish I did have somewhere to go. I was going to go stay at my mums for the weekend, but my step sister is staying for at least a week, so no room for me. No idea what to do with my poor cat. I couldn't imagine having to rehome him. It's all just such a mess. He hasn't even apologised to my face, I don't think he's sorry, I just think he's sorry he got caught. Again. He told me last night that the rent is due on the 1st, and he wants half the money, knowing I haven't got any. Since I lost my job, he pays the rent/bills and I pay for the weekly food shopping. Apparently if I haven't got the money, he wants me out. The upsetting thing is, I'm not even sure he'd really notice if I left. He'd spend his evenings playing his xbox after work, go to bed, repeat cycle. The only difference would be there'd be no food in the house, and no one to tidy up after him. I had to carry the bin out last night, which was really heavy, as I've been asking him since Monday. It's been full and starting to smell, but its always 'in a minute'. I love him, and I always said I didn't want to be a single parent, but I can't see any other option. x

 

[Apple111]

Sorry I had to comment again hon, I can't believe he is being such an idiot. Demanding rent then buying game consoles...he clearly thinks he has got u over a barrel because of ur current situation. Can u not have a talk to ur mum to see If u could stay for a while when ur step sister has gone. At least then you can count down the days..I'm a community nurse and work with ladies that have these kind of difficulties all the time, i also run a women's group with a midwife and health visitor. CAB is a start but Is there a women's centre in ur area. I have got support for a lot of my ladies from there. They are so supportive and maybe ur midwife or local health visitor would be able to advise u. There is so much support out there it just knowing how to find it and having the right person to
support u on the way.

Again I obviously agree with other ladies u need to do what you feel comfortable with at the time because of your stress levels, particularly after your history but u might feel stronger if u know u have
options.
I was once with a similar character an brought my first LO up on my own for a while. It was a horrible time and I delivered on my own with my mum..Once I saw my baby I never looked back..I now look
at that person and pity him and 12 years later he is still the same prat...I have a great relationship with a beautiful boy thats turning into a smart young man.. And that's because of me and my influence.. Not a muppet in site ( and i now have a great man) xx

Good luck hon ((hugs))

Apple xx( waiting for her rainbow to arrive in a few days ) x

 

[_Lexi_]

Thank you. I've got no idea about women's centres. I've got my 28 week midwife appointment on Tuesday. He normally comes with me, but I'm hoping he doesn't bother so I can talk to her and find out if she knows about anything like that, or what my options might be. Just so worried about money. I'm not even entitled to maternity allowance because I claimed it last year after losing Joshua. I should of known, the fact he's left two women and 3 children. He always said the relationships broke down because of them, now I'm not so sure, he was with his wife 8 years though, so can't of been this bad the whole time. Just feel so stupid for thinking things would be different. Only 3 days ago we were looking at engagement rings!! Until I have other options available, he knows he can treat me however he likes as I'll still be here when he gets home. Just so worried its going to start affecting the baby like it did with Joshua. x

 

[CLH_X3]

Have you not got any friends you could go to ?

 

[_Lexi_]

Not that I could stay with. After we lost Joshua, I lost a lot of friends. I guess they didn't know how to be around me. Few close friends I've got left, either still live at home whilst they're studying/saving to buy, or have their own families to look after and no spare space. x

 

[Apple111]

Why don't you just tell him you want to see midwife on your own this time anyway. It might make him think a bit..see that you can take control and don't need him to hold your hand..if that's really not an option why don't you ring your midwife when he isn't arround for advice..x I'm sure if he sees u taking action he might think twice..and if he doesn't it will just reinforce u r doing the right thing..we also get crisis loans and vouchers for ladies so hopefully if u manage to chat to someone u might get help .

Good luck x

 

[_Lexi_]

Thank you. Hopefully I'll be able to sort something out. He's just text me saying he doesn't want things to be like this. Perhaps he should of thought about that before meeting up with his ex behind my back and lying to me, then trying to act like I'm in the wrong. x

 

[Dani_Ldn]

What a childish way for him to act. Do what is best for you, def explore all possible options that are available to you! x

 

[crysttal]

You're right. There's really nothing much anyone can say, but its good you've gotten it off your chest. Your immediate concern should be the wellbeing of your baby, and maybe get away from him for a while. Remember there's loads of support here and lots of listening ears too

 

[Mrs_Bump]

I'm sorry Hun, that doesn't sound lik a good situation for you or baby. Is there a rent deposit guarantee scheme where you are? It may still be worth making an appt with a housing advisor to see what is available locally. Social housing isn't readily available any more almost anywhere any more but I'd still get on the list and then see what private schemes are around. A lot of councils do now run rent deposit schemes to are perfect for people in your situation, it can't do any harm to ask again.

 

[OliveLove]

Oh no.. doesn't he understand that you should not be getting stressed right now? Especially with your last pregnancy and complications.. I would try to talk to him about that first and appeal to his compassion and understanding. I know it might sound crazy, but just stay there and focus on the baby instead of the relationship problems. Most important thing right now for you is to keep the baby healthy and if there aren't any options for you then you should make the best out of the situation. I hope you don't find my post offensive, I am just trying to give you advice within your means. I hope everything goes well and you can enjoy your pregnancy without worrying

 

[sophie22]

I haven't read the other comments but I would certainly be getting rid of him, he obviously can't be trusted! And with regards to waiting over three years, if you move in with your mum, even though she hasnt got room, like sleep on the sofa, someone from the council will come to assess and you will be classed as homeless and go right to the top of the list! When I was in my teens my sister was in her late 20s and had my nephew, she had to co e live in my room with me and wasn't there long before they got her a house. Don't give up on the council x

 

[qpaulina42]

I think you need to make up your mind on what you want to do re: staying with him and then just do it. Cats, space issues, money, you can sort it out if you know that's what you want/need to do. And honestly, this guy doesn't sound like anyone I would want to raise my kids with.

 

[Ripley]

I'm not sure if he's done anything wrong or not your OH. But I will say, being a stepmom too, that the ex factor is a HUGE learning curve for the dad and the stepmom. Every relationship where there is an ex and step kids WILL go thru a period where boundaries trust and new routines are established. And it takes a long time to get right. Fathers feel responsible for their kids with ex, and rightly so, but make mistakes when they believe that means they must cater to the ex. Because the new wife deserves and should be given loyalty. Dads are afraid the ex will cause problems in their relationship with their kids. New wives feel like outsiders and not important. These are normal feelings from both sides. Very possibly your OH is just being defensive and that's why he said those mean things. He doesn't get yet, that he needs to be open and honest with you, make decisions with you, and needs to be loyal to his new wife... And that you will support his relationship with his children. What she got in the divorce doesn't matter now, he is still responsible for paying for those kids and if he doesn't pay regularly then that's probably why he buys stuff here n there. He feels bad he's not paying. And he should. Those are his kids. I'm sure he feels bad he's not helping you too.

Buy the book Stepmonster.

Sit him down and tell him.. You know he loves his kids and you support that. That you know money is tough. But if you guys are going to be a couple, you need to work together. Tell him he does not have to lie about his ex. That you are fine with contact that has to do with the kids. But only the kids. That you can't deal with them being friends or hanging out and that you don't feel that's unreasonable to ask of him. Just like you would never hang out with your ex because you are with him and love him. Your loyalty is with him. Ask him if he gets it. Tell him how it makes you feel, and tell him what you really want from him and how much you love him. Because you don't want the discussion to be all you you you attack. You need to throw some positives in there so he's reminded what he's working for here.

IF he did cheat or do something awful... Then I don't know what to advise except find a way to make your own life without him.

But I'm not convinced yet he did. I hope not and this is just typical step life blended family life issues.

 

[_Lexi_]

We've been together for almost 3 years, so it's not a new situation, and he pays a hefty amount of child support every month to her. He always has done, so it's not that he feels bad for not paying for them. I'm fine with him seeing the boys, he knows that, but doesn't need to meet up with her and buy things for her. She stops him seeing them for a months at a time, just because she feels like it. How can you say buying presents for his ex wife when we're struggling for money isn't wrong? He wasn't buying things for the boys, it was for her??

 

[_Lexi_]

Everyone else thank you. I couldn't get an appointment at citizens advice yesterday, so going Monday. I've been told there is no council housing available in my area at the moment, they don't even have any emergency housing. I spoke to both my council and shelter. They have told me once baby is here, I could get £394 a month towards rent, so might be able to find a small 1 bed place if I'm lucky. Not sure what to do until then though. We have two rooms here, so if the worst comes to it, I can move into the spare room permanently for a few months, before moving out when baby arrives. Obviously just going to be rather awkward and uncomfortable. Baby hasn't been as wriggly as normal, but I'm at the midwife Tuesday, then got another growth scan the week after. Fingers crossed everything's ok. I know first hand how bad continued stress can be for a baby tomorrow's going to be pretty bad as its his day off, so we'll be together in the house for the whole day. Thank you for all the support from everyone. Means a lot xx

 

[Apple111]

Hi hon, u know where we r if u need to vent.. Even if u do end up staying in spare room for a while it won't be for ever, us women are tough ens
U take care of u n ur little rainbow((hugs))
Mine is still deciding it is quite comfy where it is. I have a growth scan in couple of days.. So get to see our chunky munk again if it hasn't popped out b4 10 days to go xx

Apple xx