OT banging my head against a brick wall!

[Jennifaerie]

My sister is being a doormat

She's been with her husband 12 years
They have two DDs, one aged 6, one eighteen months.
He is currently having a second affair (the last one was when they had some problems, split up, got back together and she got pregnant. He carried it on behind her back, left her when she was 6 months pg, then came back)

He hasn't shown any remorse, in fact she has plenty of proof that he's been cheating, and that he was actively looking for an affair.

This has been going on a month. She is miserable because he hasn't said he's sorry but he hasn't left and they're in limbo. But she won't kick him out because then "it would be her fault" at least that's what he would tell the kids. As far as I'm concerned sorry wouldn't even cut it.

He has done nothing to redeem himself, or come across as a good Dad but she wants things to go back to how they were. I've told her she's a fool and just teaching her daughters that it's ok if men treat them like rubbish. She says I will understand when the baby arrives.

She isn't doing the right thing for herself or her kids and yet he's convinced her it's her fault if they split, and also that it's her fault if he gets demoted/ kicked out of the army and can't support their children because she told them.

Please tell me I'm right here. This is a bloke who last time they were split told his 4 year old she was seeing things to try and hide the fact he had his gf there at the same time as his DD.

I hate to see her go through this! I think she's scared of being alone but she can never trust him again. He hasn't even said sorry and is still seeing the other woman!

 

[Jennifaerie]

bump? Anyone? Any ideas how I can make her see that the girls would be better off without him?

 

[Fairy Chick]

she will come round in her own time, i think the more you tell some one not to do something the more they do it, and she prob knows in her heart she is doin the wrong thing but its so hard to do what you know is the rite thing to do. i was the same, with my first daughter i stayed with her dad untill she was 21 months and i knew it was wrong but i just could not take the advise! but one day i just woke up and thought to myself 'you know what i am not being treated like this anymore' and kicked him out that night! lol am sure she will relise soon!!! xxxx

 

[Dannieo]

I'm really sorry that your sister is going through this, Hun. And that you have to watch her suffer. This man is clearly a dick.

The only thing you can do for her right now is be there for her. She'll only take action when she feels ready and pushing her might push her to get angry at you, rather than him.

You are definately in the right with what your saying, but it sounds like he has manipulated her into thinking she can't cope without him. She seems like she's in a very fragile place and he should be ashamed.

Just be there and she'll eventually realise that he is an arse. And as for the kids, they are a lot more perceptive than you think and they will know who is in the wrong without her having to say anything.

I hope for all of you that she finds the strength to give him the heave ho. Show her the answers you will get from this forum, that might help her or wake her up. Sometimes denial is the best way to deal with pain.

to you all and much love. xxx

 

[2RockinBoys]

Frustrating!! I know your trying to do your best for your sister, but taking the horse to water wont make it drink (or so they say) you've given your advice and all you can do is continue to offer her support when/where she need's it as best you can

 

[Jennifaerie]

She goes from saying that he's awful etc and she's never ever taking him back to saying she wishes things could go back to normal. I don't know why she got back with him last time tbh, there's nothing about him to make her want to be with him.

I can just see her staying with him and being miserable for the sake of her daughters, I ca' bring myself to support her if she decides to stay with him. She's not doing herself or her girls any favours. I just don't know how to reply when she texts me saying she's miserable but refuses to do anything about it.

I've told her she's stronger than this, she says she isn't.

She says I don't understand because my LO isn't here yet, so I've told her to ask some of her friends with children and see what they say. She knows I'm here but I won't pussyfoot around it, she needs to get him out because the longer he's there the more he's manipulating her. He doesn't even want to sort things out. Just wants to stay living there and sleep with his bit on the side who is half his age. GRRRRRR

ETA the trouble is she's 300 miles away and has been texting me about this for a month, I never kno how to reply without sounding like a broken record. When I said that they could have shared custody so she could still have a life maybe meet someone new (she hates the thought of being alone) she says she wouldn't do shared custody as she's have to live near him! She doens't want to live near him but she'll live with him thanks girls - it's just hard work! Hate to see her going through this and letting him get away with it!

 

[Dannieo]

It is a real pickle, Jennifaerie. Is there anyone else like your mum, friends or aunties etc so that maybe you could all get together with her and talk her through it, like an intervention but less aggressive?

 

[Jennifaerie]

She's down south unfortunately and I can't even manage the 30 mile commute to work with my SPD. My Mum is seeing her this weekend but she isn't close by either. My Mum used to live with her and help with her children (she lost her son in 2006) but moved out when she took him back last time as she refused to live with him again.

 

[sun]

I know first hand that staying together for the kids is a bad idea!
Studies have shown that couples that stay together just for the kids do not make happier more well-adjusted kids.

She keeps saying you'll understand when your LO is born, but I doubt that! I have 1 and 1 on the way and I understand that it would be so tough to be a single parent, but I couldn't let myself get in a position like that. I want my kids to know that I know I'm worth more than that. It sounds like she is afraid of being alone with 2 young kids (understandable!) and just fear of the unknown - as in what if she never finds anyone else? She has been with him 12 years so I'm sure it is hard. But staying in an unhappy marriage that can never be fixed will only hurt her kids not make them feel more secure - especially once they really start to understand. xx

 

[shellie]

My sisters husband is the same, constantly having affairs. He also gambles any money she leaves lying around the house and uses all his wages to play online poker, which means that she has to pay all the bills etc... with her wages.

She lives nearer to my other sister and tells her more than me, to be honest half the time I don't want to hear it as I know she will do nothing about him and we can't do anything for her. When my other sister keeps telling her to leave him she won't.

They got married 2 years ago after being together for a few years and have 2 boys, 3 and 5. Surprisingly she didnt want to get married but did because HE wanted to. Even the night before the wedding she told me she didnt want to get married and I told her if she doesnt want to then don't, but she did.

She is scared of being by herself, which I dont understand, because from where I see it, she pays all the bills, she works childcare around her job and has to sort out the childcare for the holidays etc... with no help from him. She constantly has the children when shes not working, shes the one who takes them on days out etc.. by herself. So really she doesnt NEED him as she does it all on her own anyway.

In these situations nothing can really be done until she decides she wants to leave. xxx

 

[missmayhem]

it make take time, but she will come to her senses, and with a bang...... my SIL had a similar issue, ignored it for ages, i just stood there offered her support gave her a spare key to the house and told her no matter were or when we would come running if anything happened.


she called me one morning at 9am to pick her up to go shopping, we parked the car and she walked straight into a solicitors and started divorce proceedings........

she'll get there eventually but just make sure you support her, tell her its not her fault, she is not to blame, she is not a bad mother.........

 

[Jennifaerie]

I asked her what he suggests they do and she thins he's biding his time till his army disciplinary is finished as it looks better if he is standing by his family. But he hasn't even apologised!

She found someone else last time they split lol! They were apart 18 months and I've never seen her happier!

Thanks for that Sun, I said she's just going to mess them up more by dragging it out.
Shellie, what do you say when she calls you to complain about him? All I can bring myself to say is she should kick him out but she won't lol

 

[Jennifaerie]

it make take time, but she will come to her senses, and with a bang...... my SIL had a similar issue, ignored it for ages, i just stood there offered her support gave her a spare key to the house and told her no matter were or when we would come running if anything happened.


she called me one morning at 9am to pick her up to go shopping, we parked the car and she walked straight into a solicitors and started divorce proceedings........

she'll get there eventually but just make sure you support her, tell her its not her fault, she is not to blame, she is not a bad mother.........

I keep telling her that none of this is her doing and he is the one who wrecked their marriage with everything he has done. He even deleted all the evidence she had got together on the affair off her computer so she can't use it in the divorce, and lied at his meeting with work. He's still denying to everyone else that anything happened. Luckily she emailed me all the evidence so it's still around.

 

[shellie]

I asked her what he suggests they do and she thins he's biding his time till his army disciplinary is finished as it looks better if he is standing by his family. But he hasn't even apologised!

She found someone else last time they split lol! They were apart 18 months and I've never seen her happier!

Thanks for that Sun, I said she's just going to mess them up more by dragging it out.
Shellie, what do you say when she calls you to complain about him? All I can bring myself to say is she should kick him out but she won't lol

I just ask her what she's going to do about it, and to be honest the answer I get is usually "I don't know."

I'm a counsellor so I come from the point of view where I don't give people advice, but just let them talk about whatevers going on and repeat key points back to them so that the situation is being pointed out to them from their own eyes, if that makes sense?

If you give someone advice and it all messes up then they will usually blame you and say you told them to do it. So it's best to let them come to their own conclusion, then if they are unhappy with the outcome they wont blame you.

They also may start to see you as someone who nags if you give them advice they arent ready to hear, no matter how true it is. This is hard to do though when it is family, as your first instinct would be to protect your sister.

It is hard when you hear the same thing over and over again though and you do start to think in the end "what do I reply to that!" As I said she speaks to my other sister about it more than me, and as horrible as it sounds I'm quite glad she does.

What I'm trying to get across is to put back to her what she has said to you, but in a way thats not going to make her get defensive, which is hard to do as I'm sure there are a few choice words youd like to call him. So for instance if she says "I hate him for this" you say "so you HATE him?" Which is showing her that its her that hates him and not you telling her to hate him.

Sorry this is like an essay now so i'll stop there but feel free to private message me whenever you want. xxx

 

[Jennifaerie]

Thanks hun, the thing is she agrees with everything I say but won't end it. She is supposed to be coming to see me next weekend for my shower, in fact she was meant to be organising my shower but I asked someone to take over as she has so much going on. I hope she still comes she has half my LO's furniture aside anything else lol

 

[shellie]

She's probably hoping that he will change and things will go back to the way they were at the beginning. Maybe in the future she may just wake up one day and think "I'm not doing this no more, I don't need you!" xxx

 

[Jennifaerie]

I hope so. I think it's more likely that once his disciplinary finishes he'll go off with his bit on the side - he has even said he doesn't want to work things out with my sister, and that she's boring and he wanted a hobby lol.

 

[shellie]

As bad as it sounds maybe him leaving will sort everything out. Especially if she's been happy in the past without him. It will show her again that she can do it by herself and that she has nothing to be scared of even though it may be hard at times. xxx

 

[Jennifaerie]

Yeah I hope so, trouble is she has a history of taking him back whenever he likes - as I say she's a fool and I've said she should try counselling as he's manipulating her. I've told her that whatever happens he will not be setting foot in my house again. I don't have to be civil to him DH hated him before all this and he certainly won't have him here now!

 

[Sini]

It can be so frustrating to watch two people in a relationship when there is clearly a lot going wrong.. My mom and dad should have separated 20 years ago. Dad cheats on mom and treats her like a doormat - yet mom wont leave him..

A few months back me and my lil sis decided to take a step back and see what happens. Mom came to us for advice and is now staying with her sister in another country to clear her head.

I think eventually your sister will come to her senses and leave the guy. My mom is on her way to become independant again and my dad will just have to take his ridiculous self elsewhere!