OT but need advice and to vent

[smokey01]

Sorry it's going to be a loooong post so thank you if you get to the end

My OH has a 5 year old with his ex (not even a proper ex just a casual thing), she has caused a lot of problems for him, letting him see the child then taking him away repeatedly from the day he was born, refusing access etc etc basically she is a nasty piece of work pure evil, it got so bad that he took her to court for custody and spent in the region of £7k to get access and was granted 2 days a week (this was about 3 years ago). Since then she basically only has the child 1 or 2 nights max a week when it suits her, she leaves him with OH parents for the rest of the time as he knows their house as 'home' seeing as he spends the majority of his time there and she doesn't talk to her family after a falling out. His child comes to us most days even other than those stipulated by the court but does not stay over for the sole reason he feels more secure in the grandparents house.

I don't have a problem with the child coming here whatsoever as he is my OH child and will be in our lives regardless but there are issues behaviour wise which are too long and to be honest embarassing to go into but when I have had to tell the child off I have been told by OH that he's not mine, I'm not to say anything, leave him be and that he's nothing to do with me!

Now last night I found out from OH mum that the ex has moved............into a rented house which is literally across the road from my house, I can see into her kitchen window from mine!! I've lived here for the last 11 years and have been with OH for 18 months but have known him for 13 years (we were in school together). She knows we are having a baby and because I know exactly what she's like and the kind of person she I can see massive problems coming our way because of her living there

I'm sitting here in tears because I don't know what to do, I want to move and get away asap, of all the houses to rent in our town she picks the one by us and it is for the sole reason she has a game plan, I don't know what yet, well I know what one part of it is, it's so she can leave the child here whenever she feels like it which will be every day now and I don't want to sound selfish really I don't but he causes arguments between me and OH

I tried to talk to him about it last night, but he's one of these men who won't talk. He went mental and said that if I cause problems with her then he's gone and f**k our baby. Not that I would because she's the kind of person to use the child to hurt him and his parents. That he doesn't care that she's moved in there and can't see my problem and that I need to grow up. He can't see things from my point of view at all. I just feel that I'm always at the bottom of his priorities and even the nutty ex comes first, he even said he'd be giving her lifts if she needed one!! AAAAAAARRRRRRGGGGHHHH

Thank you if you managed to get to the end and any words of wisdom and advice will be gratefully received xxxx

 

[brittanyland]

Well first off* hugs*

Something sounds off about his behavior. He needs to include you in the raising of his son if you guys are to be together long term imo. And he should never threaten to leave you and the baby.

I guess I don't really have any advice other than take the high road and try not to let her get to you. Maybe explain to oh how it feels when he treats you that way.

Sounds like a terribly stressful situation. Just focus on taking care of yourself and the baby hun and maybe everything else will work itself out.

*hugs*

 

[Mirrie]

Didn't want to read and run... just got a couple of points that may help. My OH has three kids with his ex and they were 2, 4 and 7 when we first got together (6yrs ago) His ex is batty 2 but doesnt sound half as bad as what your going through-

I don't have a problem with the child coming here whatsoever as he is my OH child and will be in our lives regardless but there are issues behaviour wise which are too long and to be honest embarassing to go into but when I have had to tell the child off I have been told by OH that he's not mine, I'm not to say anything, leave him be and that he's nothing to do with me!

This is totally wrong, I still bite my tongue sometimes when it comes to "telling off" the kids but if the child is in YOUR house (even if its his house as well) you have a right to help keep the child under control. You also have the right to opinions and input, maybe not on how to raise the child but definitly on day to day behaviour. If I dont agree with something my hubby does we wait until we are out of earshot and discuss it. usaully we will agree the best course of action together and still have a united front for the kids.

At first its hard to get the balance right, and there will be things that you would never let your own kids say or do but you have to accept that- you DONT have to "Leave him be" and he IS something to do with you.

How I explained in to my OH was this... If the kid is nothing to do with me how would you feel it I treated the child like it wasn't there, if I never praised, hugged or showed the child that he/she was welcome in the home? If you want me to ignore bad behaviours then surely I should ignore good ones too?? Right I'm out clubbing, have fun with YOUR child. (Not excatly like that but you catch my drift!!)

Also the child is bound to have issues- think about how he feels being shipped from one "home" to another and hardly ever seeing his mum... Dad is probably lashing out and saying about you causing problems with her because he is super worried about the same things as you- But this is not an excuse- He is dad of two now and needs to put you and his child first...you are both (and bump) HIS FAMILY.

If my OH ex had moved near me, espesh in first couple of years in relationship ANd when we were pregnant I would be feeling excatly the same- so dont feel bad for being worried...I hope this works out OK for you. Just remember- sometimes its best to keep quiet so as not to "rock the boat" but make sure you are sticking up for yourself and your little one- sometimes you have to rock the boat in order so that you are not taken for granted.

 

[smokey01]

Thank you both. I've tried talking reasonably and explaining to him before, I'm not into shouting and screaming, but he just will not listen, plain and simple. What he says is right and that's the end of the story. As for the behaviour a major part of it is the language he uses, it's absolutely disgusting, we're talking f off, c**t etc. I teach children with behavioural problems but they are angels compared to OH boy.

I guess one thing I'm worried about is she's too close for comfort, I'm civil to her because I know how evil she is. She'll be watching our every move and as soon as she see's either of our cars here she'll be sending him over for us to watch. If I'm here on my own I think it will be best if I just don't answer the door or say I'm going out, I know that sounds tight My OH won't say no to her because he is afraid of what she'll do but he's more than happy to say no to me and put our plans on hold which he has done lots of times before

 

[Mirrie]

Still now I have to remind OH who is the one who is actually there for him and not playing evil games...but still seems that he puts ex's demends over our plans... guess they are 2scared to stand up for themselves because they know that they could lose a relationship with their child if they do??

Surelly he says something to the child when its using such bad lanuage?? I mean 5?????

I know its hard but the only way I found that I got respect from the kids was to have clear boundries and have them know that even if mummy & daddy lets them do or say that when they are with me they can not. What about your OH's parents, who the child stays with- could they back you up?

As for mum, she probably will take the piss- dont feel like YOU have to do anything for her- if you want to "not be in" thats fine but dont be a prisioner in your own home- tell her your boundries 2.

xx poor you hun xx

 

[smokey01]

No OH parents are afraid of what she will do too. Noone seems to understand that there is a legal document in place which states what days he is to have the child or if they do understand they are just to I can't think of the word to do anything about it! They don't say anything about his behaviour, there are no boundaries, no discipline, nothing, so there's not much point in me setting boundaries if I'm not being backed up by anyone, I mean they even spend around £30 a week on toys for him what he wants he gets! It gives me massive concerns for my baby when it comes, how will my baby be affected by all of this?

 

[Mirrie]

Thats crazy! Well it sounds like you've tried everything for now, I mean if they are all going to act like that (Surely that realise they're damaging this kid??) maybe all you can do is take a step back, look after your own and let your OH get on with it?? I dont know, it would drive me mad but you do have to think about whats best for you and bubs right now. could you leave your OH with child when he has him and get out of the house for a bit? Maybe him coping on his own may help him see what you're trying to say??

 

[smokey01]

Yes, I'll try that I'll go to my friends house. He leaves him with me when he goes to the gym but from now on I'll be saying I'm going out or I'll be sending him back to his mothers. God I just want to move away now but what with baby coming I can't afford the extra on the mortgage but then it feels like that would be playing into her hands but if we stay things will just become horrendus I think!

 

[Mirrie]

So he leaves his son with you and tells you he's nothing to do with you?? Hello???

I cant believe she's moved so close to you, I'd wanna move but would feel like she is "winning", I really dont know what to say for the best hun, how does your parents feel about it?

Remember things can only get better... xxx

 

[smokey01]

So he leaves his son with you and tells you he's nothing to do with you?? Hello???

exactly, I think I've been too soft, I'm going to be harder from now on. I want to move because I don't want her nosing and being in our faces all the time but I don't want her to win so to speak but I mean I can literally see the pot plant on her kitchen windowsill!

Am waiting to talk to my parents I've been up since 1am, if push came to a shove I could move to a bungalow that they've got but they let it out for holidays and it's their main income now they've retired and I'd feel bad about taking that away from them xx

 

[hb1]

Is it your own house - you say you've lived there for years but OH only for 18mths- could you sell up and move?

 

[smokey01]

I've spent most of the night looking at houses in the area, there are a few but what with going on maternity leave at xmas I can't really afford to move as I'd be looking at a few extra £100 on top of what's being paid now

 

[milamummy]

Ok sorry to sound harsh but ur OH needs to wise up! 1) he should have more respect for you in your own home for a start and 2) if his child is left in your care then you have every right to be telling him off if he steps outta line. He needs to take your concerns seriously as no ex moves across the road from a former partners current gf/bf without there being more to it..I personally would be having it out with her as to why she has moved so close to you and be letting her know that she cant just be dumping her son off on you whenever she feels like it. If your OH gets pissed off and doesnt support you then I would be really considering his loyalty and committment to you..you are after all his current gf and carrying his baby and as he has already been to court there is nothing she can do to stop him from getting his son on the days stipulated in the court order. I have been through the same situ with my DH and his ex..she kept him in court for 5 years before he got visitation but when his son is in our home then if he needs to be he gets told off as I dont want 1 set of rules for him and another for my child as that sets a bad example. As another poster suggested maybe you need to give him a big reality check and take a step back..offer him an ultimatum-either back you up 100% in this matter,grow a pair and get it all out with his ex or he needs to be backing off and leaving you alone..please let us know how you get on..I really hope you get something worked out as I genuinely know how hard it is with step kids and an evil ex

 

[smokey01]

Thank you, there is absolutely no talking to him when it comes to his kid, he can do no wrong and no-one dare say a word about him woe betide them if they do! my concerns don't matter one iota, i'm being childish and stupid. The whole situation is a farce, she was horrendus to him with regards to the kid, cost him thousands, yet it is almost as if he's afraid of her and his sisters exact words were 'she'll use the kid to hurt him and our parents if people dont play it her way', you're right he needs to grow a pair and start looking at the bigger picture instead of everything through blinkers, i just want to go over there and hammer on the door but i've got more dignity and self respect than that at the moment. When I'm here on my own the door is going to be locked and I won't be answering it, if she sets foot in my home she will be removed as she will be trespassing on my property xx

 

[milamummy]

the biggest concern I would have luv is will his kids needs always be put ahead of the child your carrying now's needs? Cos that isnt fair or right and I wouldnt wanna be putting myself in that position..Maybe you need to be seriously thinking if this is really the guy that you wanna share your life with cos I know I wouldnt wanna be with someone who didnt respect me.

 

[smokey01]

the biggest concern I would have luv is will his kids needs always be put ahead of the child your carrying now's needs?

you have read my mind, that is my biggest worry and I'm beginning to have serious doubts about the relationship now. At the moment his kid is his priority when in my eyes we should all be of an equal standing. I've just got visions now of her shipping the kid here everyday from noon till night and him ferrying her around because of the kid.

 

[milamummy]

that really isnt on..you gotta have it out with him and if he refuses to listen to reason then maybe its time to start exploring your options.. I put my foot down to my husband and things are 100% better now..my explanation was ..I am part of this relationship too and if you continue to shut me out then you are obviously doing fine on your own so maybe better if you continue that way and I will continue in a way that benefits me and LO..that really got his attention..but you gotta say it and mean it cos if not,he wont take you seriously ever again

 

[Mirrie]

Totally agree with Milamummy, its gonna be hard but you have a LO to think about now xx let us all know how it goes xxx

 

[mum2beee]

I think the best way is to be stronger than her ... ie, IGNORE her!!! Focus on your OH and your baby. DO NOT give her the satisfaction to show others that you are the jealous, crazy one who can't stand her. I bet she is pissed off abt your pregnancy so just play the nice card and don't even bother! Your OH will come round because one day or another she will show her true colors! Loads of hugs xxx

 

[0400772]

Sorry it's going to be a loooong post so thank you if you get to the end

My OH has a 5 year old with his ex (not even a proper ex just a casual thing), she has caused a lot of problems for him, letting him see the child then taking him away repeatedly from the day he was born, refusing access etc etc basically she is a nasty piece of work pure evil, it got so bad that he took her to court for custody and spent in the region of £7k to get access and was granted 2 days a week (this was about 3 years ago). Since then she basically only has the child 1 or 2 nights max a week when it suits her, she leaves him with OH parents for the rest of the time as he knows their house as 'home' seeing as he spends the majority of his time there and she doesn't talk to her family after a falling out. His child comes to us most days even other than those stipulated by the court but does not stay over for the sole reason he feels more secure in the grandparents house.

I don't have a problem with the child coming here whatsoever as he is my OH child and will be in our lives regardless but there are issues behaviour wise which are too long and to be honest embarassing to go into but when I have had to tell the child off I have been told by OH that he's not mine, I'm not to say anything, leave him be and that he's nothing to do with me!

Now last night I found out from OH mum that the ex has moved............into a rented house which is literally across the road from my house, I can see into her kitchen window from mine!! I've lived here for the last 11 years and have been with OH for 18 months but have known him for 13 years (we were in school together). She knows we are having a baby and because I know exactly what she's like and the kind of person she I can see massive problems coming our way because of her living there

I'm sitting here in tears because I don't know what to do, I want to move and get away asap, of all the houses to rent in our town she picks the one by us and it is for the sole reason she has a game plan, I don't know what yet, well I know what one part of it is, it's so she can leave the child here whenever she feels like it which will be every day now and I don't want to sound selfish really I don't but he causes arguments between me and OH

I tried to talk to him about it last night, but he's one of these men who won't talk. He went mental and said that if I cause problems with her then he's gone and f**k our baby. Not that I would because she's the kind of person to use the child to hurt him and his parents. That he doesn't care that she's moved in there and can't see my problem and that I need to grow up. He can't see things from my point of view at all. I just feel that I'm always at the bottom of his priorities and even the nutty ex comes first, he even said he'd be giving her lifts if she needed one!! AAAAAAARRRRRRGGGGHHHH

Thank you if you managed to get to the end and any words of wisdom and advice will be gratefully received xxxx

OMG hunny i feel for you ! I totally understand how you feel as my partner has a 2year old son to a nasty evil bitch of a woman.

I have just come to mentalilty that if she starts her crap (and tbh she will) that i will report her for harassment to the police and just not rise beyond that! He doesnt get to see his child so its kinda different as we can literally have nothing to do wioth her.
However ou have the little guy. Your husband reacted like most men do. And my partner did until he saw things for himself that his exes were doing;. I let him read my emails that they had sent me. !!

I wold for the sake of the child put to your husband that you feel his sons behavious is out of order. and that while you respect his decisions to dothat parenting himself, you are effectively his step mother and that if he doesnt step up you wil. (also just a little tip, when your oh see how you treat your lo and see the reaction he will prob change).
It might also be better to write down how you feel in a letter. It saves for confrontation and gives him a chance to really sit and think bout what you are saying.

Has she done anything to you in the past. If so you can easily go through police/lawyers to put her in place and bascally prove that you wont rise to her demands which is what they want! My partner ex is actually starting to get bored as neither me nor him are rising. We just laugh at it all !!!