Petrified of Gender Disappointment, Help :-(

[Visje]

I'm now 7 weeks pregnant, so it's still a good 2 months before we can do a gender scan. It's our first child for both of us. And I do have a burning desire for this one to be a girl, for many reasons.

I was abused as a child. I grew up in the South of the US, which has very archaic values when it comes to gender roles, which my family took to the extreme. Basically the status quo is that boys were allowed to be aggressive with a sense of entitlement, just because they were men, and women were expected to be doormats, to basically shut up and do what the men tell them. I was extremely unpopular in my family as I was a girl who was, as I was constantly told, "Too smart for my own good". It put a very bad taste in my mouth when it comes to men.

All of my ex-boyfriends before my husband were chauvanistic creeps who had zero respect for me once they figured out I was capable of doing more than just sitting there, looking pretty, and laughing at all of their jokes. Finally, when I was 29, I was on holiday in Europe, while I was in The Netherlands I met my husband, who at first I thought was going to be a bit of fun while I was on holiday. But I was very blunt about how I am, we still fell madly in love, and 2 years later, we're still deliriously happy. He's not just my husband but far and away the best friend who I have ever had, and the most amazing support when I go through dark moments related to my past.

One thing I have noticed about the Dutch culture is that gender roles are so much healthier here. It's normal for men to help out with the cooking and the housework, many men along with their wives will cut their working hours when they have a child, as long as finances allow, so each can have an equal amount of time with the kids. And it's much easier for a man to be sensitive without being considered weak. Of course my husband is by far the best man in the world, let alone Holland, and many of my friends here have had awful experiences with power struggles with exes, so it's not all sunshine and rainbows, but it's still a better place for a daughter or a son to grow up than where I came from.

Even though my husband is amazing, the voice in the back of my head keeps getting scared that one day the bubble will burst like it has so many times before. And a huge part of me still doesn't trust men easily, and figures that he's an extremely rare exception.

If we do have a daughter, for me, that would be extremely powerful, in that I feel like I need the final step in my healing of using the lessons I have learned in life the hard way to give a great start to a woman with her whole life ahead of her, with no wounds to hold her back, and thanks to where we live now, less obstacles. My idea of healthy feminity is more goddess-like, than doormat like as in what I grew up with. I don't feel the need to have all girls, we're going for 2 or 3 kids total but probably 2, but if I feel this way now, I'm scared of these feelings being even stronger if we have a boy first, and then our next pregnancy is our last shot to ever have a girl. Basically, it's a need to rewrite my personal history that I have. I could really care less about her interests and how girly they are, as long as she's happy, and isn't that what love is about anyway, a happy child?

As for if we have a son, there are several fears I have about that one. First off it really irritates me to death when I hear people say that it's best to have a boy first, then a girl, so that the boy can protect the girl. Speaking as a survivor of sexual assault, this is something that easily contributes to the number of assaults out there, that girls are raised to depend on others to protect them instead of taught to protect themselves. Second, I do believe that breastfeeding is the best way to go, and I plan on doing that whether this one is a boy or a girl. But considering that I have PTSD, and knowing myself, it would be a huge help if I could breastfeed a girl first and see that there's nothing sexual about it before attempting it with a boy. Same goes with other necessary caring rituals such as bathing and diaper changes. Also, if he does physically resemble my father or brother, both of whom hurt me tremendously, in any way, I'm scared that that will interfere with the bonding. And as I said before, each boy that we have before if/when we get our girl represents a greater likelihood that the chance to ever have a girl will be lost. On the bright side, my husband is an excellent example of how I would want my son to turn out, but on the other hand, I'm scared of him caving in to peer pressure to be a "real" man.

I'd really like to enjoy the pregnancy, and be open and receptive to whichever child is in me, but between this and the fear that something could go wrong with the pregnancy, I'm finding that to be very difficult. And it certainly seems unhealthy to not enjoy the pregnancy until the first trimester is over and if the gender scan says girl.

Interesting enough, several people have come out and said what they think we're having without being asked, and everyone from my mother-in-law to my yoga teacher said girl, no one said boy. And I have done a few of the pseudo-scientific tests, and Ramzi theory, skull theory, and baking soda test all say girl. But it's not definitive enough, of course.

And we have known which girls' name we want to use since right after we met, while we only finally figured out which boys' name we want to use a few months ago, but still haven't figured out whether to use the Dutch or English spelling of this name.

With all of this in mind, what are some good, proactive ways for me to cope and to enjoy the pregnancy and it's outcome? And thanks in advance for being a sounding board about this, at the end of the day I want to be equipped to give our child the best start in life, regardless of whether they're a son or a daughter.

 

[xjesx]

I think you are in a great position to have either.

Think about how wonderful it would be for you from your life experiences couple with your husbands treatment of you, to possibly have the opportunity to raise a young man with great values and a positive attitude in the treatment of ladies.

You have the opportunity raise a son who will love and cherish smart, successful and powerful woman. A man who is not challenge by femininity.

I think if you have a boy it would be a blessing to his future wife...if he so chooses a wife.

There is a locked forum for gender disappointment. Perhaps requesting the secret password into there will give you more support and more of an outlet to express your concern.

Again, I think it would be a great thing for you to relish in the idea of raising a real gentlemen who treats women with respect and a real advocate for all the great things about his mom and possible sister(s) in the future.

 

[baby1wanted]

So sorry to read all the horrible times you've been through But how wonderful to have found such a great man and settled into a happy new life!
I completely understand your feelings but as xjesx says I think you and DH will be a shining example to a boy or a girl. A girl may be easier to deal with yes, but sometimes what can be seen as a challenge you to rise above even your own expectations.
I hope you come to some peace in the next few weeks and don't let it stress you too much (although I completely understand that's easier said than done)
If you are struggling once you find out the sex there's a gender disappointment section in the pregnancy forums - you may well find someone in a similar situation to you there.
In the meantime sending you big hugs . And a massive congratulations on your pregnancy!

 

[wrightywales]

sorry to hear about everything you have gone through.

try relax and be happy that you are pregnant remember there is a lot of couples who have a lot of trouble even trying to get pregnant. I was trying for over 10 years with 2 rounds of IVF with my ex with only 2 MCs and no baby. Im 10 weeks today and so happy that i am finally pregnant after everything Ive gone through the sex of the child really doesnt come into it i dont care what i have Im so happy just at the fact im actually going to get to be a mummy. you should feel lucky that you have a little life growing inside you. sex of the child really shouldnt matter as long a it is healthy. remember a child will act the way it is brought up and and if brought up right will not be anything like your exs or family. you need to leave the past in the past before it starts to affect your happiness and future. have you had any sort of councilling? maybe that will help get everything out so you can move on and enjoy life with you hubby and future baby. even if you do have a boy then a girl you can still teach the girl to protect herself, part of being a parent is teaching your children.

really do hope you can relax and start to enjoy it really is a special time xx

 

[irene77]

Is this your first child? Believe me, no matter what you think now, once you see your baby all worries will go away. We all might have had bad and really bad experiences but they have nothing to do with this little being that comes to the world. It is your chance to write a new story of your life. Enjoy your pregnancy, and let your little angel do the rest of healing for you. Just wait till that blessed moment when you touch your child for the first time, you won't have any doubts left

 

[Visje]

We did get extremely lucky, we conceived on our first cycle off The Pill. So I'm taking it as a good solid sign that this child is coming here with a definitive sense of purpose!

One thing that scare me though is I do remember a couple of my exes who did have mothers who were the strong type, and they rebelled by becoming more chauvanistic. Just like most men tend to, on a subconscious level, seek out partners who remind them of their mothers, and vice versa with women and their fathers. But then again, I did meet one of them, and she wasn't a pleasant person, so that could have something to do with it.

Important too is that if this is a son, then that daydreaming about the daughter that hopefully we'll have won't take away from me living in the present and enjoying our son. I can see myself equipped to be a good boy mother as well, but also combined with more anxiety than I'd experience as a girl mother.

 

[Visje]

First child, I want 3, my husband wants too. And if we do go for the 3rd, I'd rather it not be because we're going for a certain gender. After all, my brother wanted a boy and kept trying until he finally got one on the 4th attempt, ironically enough he's estranged from all of his kids, all of whom I still have an excellent relationship with.

 

[xjesx]

First child, I want 3, my husband wants too. And if we do go for the 3rd, I'd rather it not be because we're going for a certain gender. After all, my brother wanted a boy and kept trying until he finally got one on the 4th attempt, ironically enough he's estranged from all of his kids, all of whom I still have an excellent relationship with.

I see you point on men being raised by strong mothers yet still coming out to be "pigs".

Those mothers aren't you. You did fall in love outside of your general community and I think that makes a huge difference. Also, you are still there for your nieces and nephew, that is something special.

I have friends that went for child number three hoping for a boy....they ended up having twin girls.

 

[ocean_dew]

Your pain and turmoil is so tangible in your post, my heart goes out to you.

If you have a boy, you could raise him to be the type of man you want him to be. Trust me, my brothers were raised to respect women and would do laundry, cook and clean and I come from a very traditional, almost misogynistic culture. Ultimately it comes down to parenting and you will have much power as a mother to influence your children the way you believe is best for them.

I work with some children who have special needs and my fear is that I will have a child with severe developmental issues. I have worked with healthy children who were spiteful and cruel toward animals/ people, and others who were sweet, sweet natured. After seeing all this, I no longer care what gender I have and simply hope for a child who is healthy and sweet-natured. There are no guarantees in life at all, we just have to do the best we can. Please seek out some professional help, you have been through a lot and didn't deserve any of it. I believe that you will make an excellent mother - please have faith in yourself. The past may still haunt you but it is dead and gone now. Focus on today and all the wonderful things that you have - a wonderful mate and a pure, innocent child growing inside of you.

 

[Visje]

Did I just spell 2 "too"? Oh god, pregnancy brain in action.

And going for the more unusual way of finding love definitely worked nicely! For now, I'd just like to figure out a nice way of being thrilled even if we end up with 4 boys, the last being twins because we were going for the 3rd! In other words, letting go of this gender desire so I can live in the moment and enjoy this pregnancy.

 

[Visje]

I have been down the professional help road so many times, and have tried it recently here too, but have had trouble finding an affordable therapist who is confident enough in their English to help me, my Dutch isn't bad but certainly not at a level yet where I can talk about my deepest darkest secrets. At the end of the day, I have done much better in life, and my bank balance, by relying on myself to heal myself, but being pregnant is certainly a test. No offense taken, just saying that professional help isn't a viable option for me.

 

[SBinRI]

I think these women have put it perfectly. A son would give you opportunity to raise a MAN. Not just a grown up boy. One who doesn't need a woman to do chores etc but that would be self sufficient and value an equal partner. Either sex should be seen as an opportunity and an amazing gift to the world. My ex husband was incredibly emotionally abusive. I left him and took our daughters. When they are old enough to ask I will tell them that NO ONE has the right to treat them as anything less than they deserve. Now remarried with a son and #4 on the way- im excited to raise a son with a guy who knows how to be a man- and who loves my girls as his own.

 

[Visje]

Very good that you have a good solid role model for all of your kids too. That definitely helps!

 

[wrightywales]

I have been down the professional help road so many times, and have tried it recently here too, but have had trouble finding an affordable therapist who is confident enough in their English to help me, my Dutch isn't bad but certainly not at a level yet where I can talk about my deepest darkest secrets. At the end of the day, I have done much better in life, and my bank balance, by relying on myself to heal myself, but being pregnant is certainly a test. No offense taken, just saying that professional help isn't a viable option for me.

Just an idea hun i know they are not cheap.

hope you can start to chill out and relax and enjoy your pregnancy soon xx

 

[SBinRI]

It does help. But more to the point I wanted to say that you should see either gender as an opportunity. Id suggest finding out the gender so you have time to deal with any disappointment well before bsby arrives

 

[Visje]

That's our plan, we'll probably find out once I'm around 16 weeks. I think regardless of outcome, a good shopping trip for baby clothes is in order once we find out!

 

[GingerPanda]

I don't have PTSD, but I was sexually assaulted multiple times when I was younger. Once when I was very young by a male daycare worker, and I was very nearly raped by a classmate who was a year older than me in high school.

I'm pregnant with my first baby, too.

I have found that I actually hope this baby is a boy, much for the same reason these other ladies are mentioning. I want to raise a son that will treat not just women but EVERYONE with respect. I want to put sons out into the world who will be great friends, listeners, supporters, and husbands. Sons who will help the bullied kid pick up their books off the floor. Sons who will be role models for the other boys to see what a true man looks like.

Not that I couldn't also raise a daughter to be these things. I've always been hard-headed, and would love to raise a strong, stubborn daughter who isn't afraid to get her clothes dirty.

My desire for a son has nothing to do with him "protecting" any possible sisters. I don't feel like I would have been any safer if I'd had an older brother, and the thought of a woman needing a man to protect her is NOT something I want to instill in my daughters.

I know you would rather have a girl first. Most women have a preference, even if they won't admit it. But I hope you can come to take comfort in the thought of possibly having a boy. With a wonderful rolemodel in you and your husband, and a less patriarchal society (I grew up in the southern US), I think you could really raise a son to be proud of, and perhaps it would even help heal you a little bit.

If you need to talk, just let me know!

 

[chulie]

I truely believe we are not given the child we "Want"....we are given what we need...even if that isn't so clear from the getgo....

Most times I avoid a post about gender dissapointment because I know I do not understand that feeling and it's not my place to judge...but in your situation I can totally see why you feel that way...but like the ladies have said....I think having a boy will allow you that loving bond with a man you have been deprived of for so long. You will get to be part of a generation that teaches me to love, respect and see women as equals...it will be your legacy to right the wrongs of the past.

I did not care what my child's gender was because my life is so surrounded by people who have infertility....so I really didn't care...but I always said for my HUSBANDS sake...I hope it was a girl...even though people see him as this "sporty" guy....deep down he was really negelected as a child by his mother...he has major issues of looking for validation in her life that he will never get...his mother was a very cold, unloving woman....I really feel that him having a girl has given him that extra "love" he lost from so many of the women in his life (including his sisters). Good luck in your journey....I'm positive once you see your child for the first time...any misgivings in your past will be a distant memory...maybe the best therapy of all..

 

[mo0nangel]

I think I would be more healing to have a baby boy you can raise to have good values, especially having such a good dad as an example as to how men should behave. Treating women with respect and dignity as God has commanded men to do.
But having either a girl or a boy is a blessing either way. Having a girl that will grow up looking up to daddy and admiring how different he is from the rest of you family can be healing too. And even better if she has a little/big brother and a dad that know how to love and treat women. So don't be disappointed. Its more important to have a healthy baby whether its a girl or a boy.

 

[Visje]

My husband is excellent, as usual, we talked about this and came to the conclusion that knowing me, this is something I probably want so badly because in the culture where I grew up, boys have an advantage just because they're boys.

This and the fear of losing our baby are the 2 things that are getting me the most in this pregnancy, and sleep deprivation isn't helping too much either! To be honest, we thought about swaying, and my husband was on board with the idea, but I decided against it because I heard that it can slow down the time it takes to conceive, and I didn't know how fertile or not we were. Seeing as we got lucky and conceived in 1 cycle this time, then we've figured for a while that we'll definitely try to sway so that our 2nd is the opposite of what we had for our 1st, I've always noticed that friends who have siblings of the opposite gender seem to have better relationships as adults, so this is something I would like to give my kids if possible. There's still the nagging doubt in the back of my mind though that I'd be devastated if we never had a girl, but I'd get over it if we never had a boy.

We just spoke to my mother-in-law on the phone too, not about this, and she said again she's sure it will be a girl! Nice thought, but the more I think about it, the more it seems really unhealthy to get attached to an idea that holds a lot of weight for me and then be more likely to be disappointed, but either way more stressed than I'd be otherwise. She's a really lovely woman though, and adding to this is wanting to give her a granddaughter, she never had a daughter, wanted one, and now her only chance for a granddaughter is through us as my brother-in-law is finished having kids.

In any case, it's another 2 months before we can have our gender scan, and I'd like those to be a good 2 months regardless of the outcome.