Hi Ladies I didn't know what else to do. I don't want to bring anyone down because this is usually such a happy positive board but I need some help. I'm really, really down. I think it's more than pregnancy hormones because my mind is in such a dark place it's starting to scare me. I have had a history of mild to moderate depression previously but managed to wean myself off the antidepressants in 2009. My GP suggested I go back on them in March, as she felt that I was going downhill again but because she knew that I was hoping for a BFP we decided that it was probably best to avoid them. I have posted previously about my BF's lack of support, which I feel is perhaps what's really making me feel so bad. I am trying so hard to think positively but it isn't working. The situation has gone beyond using the concept of 'keep smiling' and everything will be ok because I feel really bad. Basically I am just so scared and I'm so overwhelmed by the thought of being a single mum I can't cope. I try to tell myself that everything will be ok, lots of other women manage but another voice kicks in and says that I won't be up to the job. I feel guilty for bringing a child into the world when I'm so ill-equipped to look after one. I keep thinking about how I'm going to tell him or her that their Dad didn't want them. It doesn't help that BF is still on at me about 'getting rid of it' all the time and reckons that I'm not considering his feelings in all of this because he doesn't want to be a father. All of a sudden he'll change his mind and then say he feels guilty and is being selfish. A few days later he'll change yet again and start using the 'T' or 'A' word (sorry can't even bring myself to type it) and it makes my head spin. My sister is being pretty good about it all and is trying to help as best she can but she can't 'cure' my head. BF is now using my sister's support as an excuse to say that he's not needed and he's being pushed out of any decisions. What am I supposed to do? He doesn't want to get involved but then he does then oh no he's changed his mind again he wants to get rid of it so I turn to my sister for help and he gets upset about that too. I cannot sleep and when I do, I have the most horrific nightmares and wake up with my heart pounding and shaking like a leaf. I just about make it through the day at work but then in the evenings I just sit there crying my eyes out. My head hurts so much and it's got to the stage where I just want it to stop. I just want to curl up somewhere safe and 'switch off for while'. The MW came to my house today for the booking appt and despite my best efforts I broke down in front of her. She says to go back to my GP but she said that she is going to get the Health Visitor to keep an eye on me as well. Now I'm thinking that I'm going to be an unfit mother and they'll be a whole host of agencies itching to take the baby away from me. I just tried to make an appt but my usual GP is sick and I have to wait until Monday to find out what's happening with her patients. All the other GPs at the Practice are fully booked. I have a feeling that I will be prescribed antidepressants but I'm worried that they may harm my baby. But then I think, I can't carry on like this. Mental health problems needs to be treated just as a back problem or kidney problem or stomach problem would need to be treated. This is supposed to be a happy time for me; I waited 15 years for this and here I am sobbing my eyes out all the time and thinking I don't deserve to be a mum. The fantastic ladies with lovely, kind, supportive husbands and partners on the TTC 35+ board should be pregnant and not me.