Please help me if you can

[Ruth2307]

Hi Ladies

I didn't know what else to do. I don't want to bring anyone down because this is usually such a happy positive board but I need some help.

I'm really, really down. I think it's more than pregnancy hormones because my mind is in such a dark place it's starting to scare me. I have had a history of mild to moderate depression previously but managed to wean myself off the antidepressants in 2009. My GP suggested I go back on them in March, as she felt that I was going downhill again but because she knew that I was hoping for a BFP we decided that it was probably best to avoid them.

I have posted previously about my BF's lack of support, which I feel is perhaps what's really making me feel so bad. I am trying so hard to think positively but it isn't working. The situation has gone beyond using the concept of 'keep smiling' and everything will be ok because I feel really bad.

Basically I am just so scared and I'm so overwhelmed by the thought of being a single mum I can't cope. I try to tell myself that everything will be ok, lots of other women manage but another voice kicks in and says that I won't be up to the job. I feel guilty for bringing a child into the world when I'm so ill-equipped to look after one. I keep thinking about how I'm going to tell him or her that their Dad didn't want them. It doesn't help that BF is still on at me about 'getting rid of it' all the time and reckons that I'm not considering his feelings in all of this because he doesn't want to be a father. All of a sudden he'll change his mind and then say he feels guilty and is being selfish. A few days later he'll change yet again and start using the 'T' or 'A' word (sorry can't even bring myself to type it) and it makes my head spin.

My sister is being pretty good about it all and is trying to help as best she can but she can't 'cure' my head. BF is now using my sister's support as an excuse to say that he's not needed and he's being pushed out of any decisions. What am I supposed to do? He doesn't want to get involved but then he does then oh no he's changed his mind again he wants to get rid of it so I turn to my sister for help and he gets upset about that too.

I cannot sleep and when I do, I have the most horrific nightmares and wake up with my heart pounding and shaking like a leaf. I just about make it through the day at work but then in the evenings I just sit there crying my eyes out. My head hurts so much and it's got to the stage where I just want it to stop. I just want to curl up somewhere safe and 'switch off for while'.

The MW came to my house today for the booking appt and despite my best efforts I broke down in front of her. She says to go back to my GP but she said that she is going to get the Health Visitor to keep an eye on me as well. Now I'm thinking that I'm going to be an unfit mother and they'll be a whole host of agencies itching to take the baby away from me.

I just tried to make an appt but my usual GP is sick and I have to wait until Monday to find out what's happening with her patients. All the other GPs at the Practice are fully booked.

I have a feeling that I will be prescribed antidepressants but I'm worried that they may harm my baby. But then I think, I can't carry on like this. Mental health problems needs to be treated just as a back problem or kidney problem or stomach problem would need to be treated. This is supposed to be a happy time for me; I waited 15 years for this and here I am sobbing my eyes out all the time and thinking I don't deserve to be a mum. The fantastic ladies with lovely, kind, supportive husbands and partners on the TTC 35+ board should be pregnant and not me.

 

[poppy666]

Aww sweetie huge hugs firstly

I think the most important thing to adress at the moment is your mental state, i know quite a few members on here on antidepressants which are very safe in pregnancy and they're in 3rd Tri now and still taking them. Forget your BFs useless comments regarding baby, think you need to think about your well being sweetie and your babys. BF can be dealt with later when your heads in a better place & your a lot stronger

Just book an appointment and get yourself well x

ps you'll be a fantastic mother with or without your BF and dont ever think you wont, you dont need a partner to be a good mother, all your baby needs is love and im sure you got loads to give him/her or you wouldnt be on here now pouring your heart out xxx

 

[seoj]

First off... BIG HUGS

Second off... I'm sure your GP would not prescribe you something that may harm your baby. My close friend took pills for her thyroid and anti-depressants her entire pregnancy and the baby was PERFECT!!! Sometimes, the mental strain is worse than the meds that may help. So try to remember that you will be doing what is best for you and baby overall.

Have you maybe thought about talking to a counselor? Sometimes, just getting the feelings out in a safe and neutral environment helps SO SO much. It's certainly not going to hurt. And could make you feel better.

I know the thought of being a single parent is not what you want ideally- but if that is what you need to do for yourself and baby, then you can do it. It won't make you a bad mom- it will make you a stronger and more capable mom. My bestie was a single mom for a long time- with very little help from her ex... and the bond her and her son share is so special. My hubby was also a single Dad for 7 years before we met-- And I see how great his relationship is with his daughter... so don't think there is just ONE good way to raise a child. They need love and support... however that comes.

I know it may not feel like it right now- but you'll find a way to make it work. Just stay strong for yourself and your child... and do what you feel you need to do.

Wishing you all the best of luck hun!!!!!

 

[Baileysmommy]

Oh, I hear about not wanting to go back on antidepressants after finally getting off of them.

I've been off for about a year, but now that I'm pregnant, I remember how wicked my depression came on with my son 4 years ago - and I think back and wish I would have been diagnosed , or pushed more to my Dr. about how crappy I was feeling.

This time - I told my new Dr. - "I am going to have you prescribe me some anti depressants probably, sometime during this pregnancy - just a heads up" Luckily, this Dr. I'm with is all for making sure Mommy is happy and healthy for the baby - and is fine prescribing me something if/when the time comes.

With the added hormones and general stress of bringing a life into the world, don't feel bad about getting a little help - whether it's talking to a professional, or having a safe anti depressant prescribed.

It isn't fair to you or your baby if you are in a cloud of depression - and it isn't your fault.

Once the baby is born, your hormones will be 100x more out of wack for a while, so best to get things sorted as best you can before that. It's difficult to cope with everything different that comes along with a newborn - and almost impossible when you have depression.

Good luck, and take care of yourself. When you take care of yourself, you are taking care of the little peanut growing inside


(great article on anti depressants by mayo health https://www.mayoclinic.com/health/antidepressants/DN00007 )

 

[maybethisit]

many to you and it's really clear from your post how much you care about being a good mum, which means you will be a GREAT mum, however you feel right now. And depression in pregnancy and post partum is really, really common - there's no way they'd be thinking about taking the baby away because of it - they'll just be looking out for you to support you and help you feel better, is all.

Like everyone else says there are antidepressants that are safe in pregnancy and lots of people find they need them, so you are very far from alone.

Depression makes you feel guilty and worthless cos those are symptoms of it, but you have nothing at all to feel bad about - sounds like your situation is difficult and then you have all those pregnancy hormones raging around messing with your mental state and NONE of it is your fault. Please go and see your GP without delay, maybe you could go and see a different doctor in the same practice, especially if you know there's one or two who are more approachable than others? This sort of depression is common and really treatable and you shouldn't have to suffer in silence xxxx

 

[unnamed]

Pregnancy is such an emotional time sweetheart take the advise of the people who know you. If you need medication the doctors will tell you exactly what the side effects are so you know what to expect.

Try this to help you in the future:
every day write down two things that are positive in your life in a book/ diary- I know it can be hard sometimes but there are always little things- someone sent you a hug online- a friend called- you enjoyed reading an article etc. ( you can always go online to find positive things if you are really struggling)

When you are feeling down read back through all these things - if you do it every day it will add up quickly and get easier to remember the good things in your life.

 

[Storm1jet2]

You know the fact that you have said you feel like this is a huge step! Try and ride it out until you see your GP and take their advice. One of my best friends has just had her second perfect baby and was antidepressants the whole way through her pregancy, she had post natal after her son and when she wanted to come off the tablets for her second pregnany the doctor basically said 'why would you want to put yourself through that?' Her baby is absolutely fine and her pregnancy went smoothly.

Depression is nothing to be ashamed of and I can hand on heart say you are coping so so so so much better than I would in your situation. I sit and cry at nights because I'm just so overwhelmed with all the hormones and I honestly can't help it - and I have a DH and supportive family and none of the added stress you have.

You are such a lovely person and so supportive of everybody else - maybe now is the time to go and see what help you can get for your for a change!

- we are all here to support you the best we can and sometimes support from people you have no chance of bumping into is helpful.

 

[kosh]

i only just seen your thread
sent you a PM

 

[Ruth2307]

Can hardly see to type. All this kindness is just so lovely it's making me cry - but for the rightreasons! Benn trying to post allda y to show my appreciation can't even string a sentence togetherThank you seems so inadequate butit really means a lot to me and I'm pleased that I posted. xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

 

[poppy666]

 

[Desperado167]

Am glad u posted it too Hun and I know I already pm you but i just want you to know that I am always here for you and we all love you and deeply care for you and your lo,

 

[xxembobxx]

How sad you feel so down in what should be such a happy time but you seem to know the signs of what is happening to you. I think you should brave the doctor and not worry about them taking the baby away from you - they are here to help you when you need help.
I know it's hard but I think you need to decide if you want this baby. Nobody else's views matter, just yours. It would be terrible to be pushed into a termination because that's what your BF wants but if you think it is something you might want then you need to speak to somebody about that.
I don't think anybody chooses to be a single parent but I know many people that have done it and survived! When I split with my ex-husband I thought I would be on my own forever but a lot of men are more than willing to take you and your child on (my partner did exactly that and I can honestly say it was NEVER an issue that they weren't his).

And to be honest......I was so much more financially and emotionally better off when I was a single parent for a while. It was scary and I wished there was somebody to help when the kids play up at bedtime but I had my own money and didn't have to answer to anybody how I spent it (lots on the kids!)
Also when I was on my own I had no frustrations against my husband which made me a better parent as I was more relaxed and not taking my unhappiness out on them.

You deserve to be happy and if your BF can't help you in that then perhaps you would be better making the break. He might even realise what a dick he's being and come to his senses regarding stepping up to the mark.

 

[Storm1jet2]

Am glad u posted it too Hun and I know I already pm you but i just want you to know that I am always here for you and we all love you and deeply care for you and your lo,

I'll second that - we are here and we do care!

 

[Macwooly]

Sorry I'm straying from over 35 TTC as I really wanted to send loads of to you Ruth

As a fellow depression sufferer I can understand some of the negative thoughts but remember it is a sign of strength not weakness to ask for help so please see the doctor and don't feel they will take the baby from you they won't they will help you

Please do what is right for you and don't allow ANYONE to bully you into decisions you will regret

 

[gatormom2tots]

This is the first pregnancy I have taken my antidepressants, though I had been on them for years before 1st get pregnant with my son.

I came off them as soon as I got my BFP, but at about the 20 week mark I could feel myself slipping- I wasn't too bad but I could feel myself slipping. My doc had no issue with putting me back on. She basically said the risk was less then the risk of a stressed out and overly anxious mother on the fetus.

I still worry some about the side effects....but it seems that there are many women who have had successful pregnancies while taking medication.

You are a strong woman for recognizing the need and reaching out for help- you are going to be a great mom!

 

[Ruth2307]

Hi Everyone

Only just logged and seen your kind replies. (I just re-read my message from Friday - blimey I made a lot of typos!!)

Last night I actually slept! So today it feels as if the fog has lifted a bit. Will be calling the GP tomorrrow to get an appt and will take it from there.

Thanks again.

 

[Desperado167]

Good for u love,take care,

 

[Macwooly]

Glad you feel a little more positive and good luck with your GP appointment

 

[unnamed]

 

[gatormom2tots]

Isn't it amazing how lack of sleep makes everything seems so much worse?!?!?!?

I know when I am tired I just need to go to bed and everything, while it may not be great the next day, does seem a little more manageable!