PND diagnosed at 6 months pp! LONG!!

[Shan4609]

Hi everyone! I haven't posted since my little beautiful baby made an appearance on Boxing Day! But I would like to share my story and looking for some feedback? I'm hoping posting and talking about it with other people experiencing post natal depression will help me get through this horrible time!
Ok so our daughter was totally planned, wanted a baby came off the pill and was expecting our first baby within 5 months of trying we were so happy! She didn't arrive on her due date she was induced on Xmas day and born at 2.11am Boxing Day! Totally couldn't believe we had our own baby loved her from the moment I saw her pretty little face 10 fingers and toes! She is so cute!!

Everything was fine until about 6 weeks pp apart from me being a mess kept thinking I was going to get a blood clot and die lol extreme I know but I'm one of these worriers and google everything! But anyway.. Had my 6 week checkup everything was fine gp asking me questions to see if I had PND totally didn't then suddenly something switched inside my head had a horrible image of 'what if' I sleepwalk and hurt her on propose but I'm totally unaware.. ECt! Freaking myself out with these horrible thoughts questioning who I am! I would never hurt my baby but the what if always crept in! I was fine after that I was happy with my new life but was very anxious all the time worrying about LO all the time, with blankets leaving her on her own, was very horrible!

Shortly after this I was in a bad car accident and luckily enough my LO wasn't in the car but I couldn't stop crying at the accident thinking about what if she was in the car! I felt horrible but thankful she wasn't!

Fast forward a month later! No body judge me on this as I never thought I would have to go through this and never thought I would make this decition No period! I can't be pregnant! I'm protected and I've only done t once since LO was born! Took a test and it was positive! Totally freaked out, my baby was only 4 months old I feel like I ain't going to be able to cope? We were really suffering from not having any money as we didn't get any help from the government and really hard up, my mum had to buy me nappies and my milk every month and help me with bills ECt, me and my boyfriend decided that we would terminate, I know people are against this but I was too! I hated the thought that people could make such decisions! But I found myself in a different opinion when it's yourself in that situation and I had the termination, felt a bit shit o be honest but I know it was the right thing to do for all of us, I don't want any harmful comments about this just want to give my full story

So recently I have been having anxiety over me dying young and LO not remembering me, my partner finding somebody else and she calling his new partner her Mumma! Horrible feeling, hearing things on the news about these horrible people hurting children and I start thinking about what of this happened to my LO! Thoughts that don't go away and really making me depressed and distant from my baby! Broke my heart, the house was getting messy and to top or off I had to go back to work last week! We need the money but the guilt is killing me from these horrible anxiety and worrying over her and the sick feeling in my stomach of guilt for even thinking about it! I wasn't eating I constantly felt sick and felt as if I have lost who I am! Kept thinking to myself why am I my happy! This is supposed to me the happier time of my life but I can't get myself out of this funk! I looked at her and felt said it was affecting our bond! That's what done it for me, so Friday I finally told my boyfriend! And I thought e was going to think I'm going crazy cause I bought I was I was questioning my mothering skills and if I love her, it was all in my mind I felt useless and horrible! He was very supportive and he was saying it cause I'm a sensitive person everybody worries and has horrible unwanted thoughts but you just let it go! I was crying for 4 hours just felt to down!

Went to the doctors yesterday and told my gp everything and she scored me on moderate PND and bad anxiety and recommended Cytlopram and refered me for councilling to talk about everything that happened change my negative thinking, I only started the meds yesterday and feel better already apart from feeling a little drowsy so I'm going to take it on the evening so I sleep the drowsiness off even though my gp said I wouldn't feel an improvement for a few weeks

Also forgot to add another factor of this illness is probley that my boyfriend admitted to cheating on me when I first fell pregnant, I was heartbroken but I forgave him for our daughters sake, he only gets once more chance! Or he's out,

Anybody else going through this or been through this and recovered?

 

[mara16jade]

Just wanted to send some

I'm wondering if a big part of this is the cheating your boyfriend confessed about. That can create a lot of turmoil in you mind and cause insecurities.

Take care of yourself.

 

[Shan4609]

Nice to see only one person has responding an 107 people have viewed my post! But thank you very much, yeah it prob is that reason! I feel down today I read the side effects of this medication and have now scared myself silly! Xx

 

[twobecome3]

u need to get out of your own head, if that makes any sense. I think almost everyone has those scary thoughts about hurting your LO, etc, I believe theres a name for it (intrusive thoughts). while scary and upsetting, its totally normal to have them. I had them quite a bit when LO was smaller, I just would immediately push the thought aside and think of something else. even now, when im really overtired or wound up at night, paranoid thoughts try to creep in (maybe LO will stop breathing, what if I dropped her, etc) I just push them aside. if you dwell on these thoughts they will take you down.
you've been through a lot in the past six months, new baby, bf cheating, car accident, termination of pregnancy. that's ALOT of stuff. need to stop dwelling on the bad things tho. maybe counseling would help, it works for some ppl. really you just need to focus on the positive. notice that someone offered you support on this post, but you seemed more focused on the fact that other ppl didn't reply? this thinking is what you need to change to help yourself. proper diet and excersize also works wonders for mood. ive experienced severe depression/anxiety in the past, tried medication and counseling, etc. not for me. what helped was getting out of my own head. while your OH reaction to your thoughts - "everyone has these thoughts you just have to let it go" might have seemed unhelpful/insensitive, it really is the just of it. venting about things is good, but at the end of the day you need to move on from these things and not carry them with you. it takes a lot of work to redirect your thoughts at first, your mind is so used to spinning off in a tangeant. you need to literally retrain your brain to refocus. eventually it will come quickly. be kind to yourself.

 

[laila 44]

You poor thing! I can understand those intrusive thoughts but you know what? As scary as they are, they only exist because of your fear of them. Reality is that everyone has those thoughts at some point, the importance is not to dwell on them but to just laugh them off and let them go. Trust me I know it's easier said than done but I've been through it and u can do it without meds too. You did go through alot so be kind up yourself and take the time u need to heal. Councilling will help alot xx

 

[Shan4609]

Thank you so much I am starting to feel a little better, the anxiety is killing me tho! I'm worrie sick about my health I have a swollen thyroid ATM and my bloods are normal and I googled it and now scaring myself about cancer ECt! I'm only 22 surely this isn't normal to be so worried about everything! Tonight has been good though Layla can now bounce in we jumparoo! She is 6 months old but she is tiny so her little tootsies touching the floor and her bouncing away has made my day! I felt so happy I'm on day 6 citolopram now so hopefully it helps with the anxiety soon and these thoughts, have to jut keep telling myself I will beat this, I'm just so sad I didn't tell my GP sooner! And things wouldn't have gotten this bad xxx

 

[twobecome3]

glad youre feeling better!

stop googling things woman! that way lies madness....

I had my WORST anxiety/depression between ages 22-25. a lot of ppl get it bad in their early 20s

I love love LO in her jumper it is the cutest thing to see their little legs motoring

 

[xLaura]

Hugs to you Hun. Glad you went and got help and it's working for you, that was the hardest thing so you should be proud of yourself.

I have strange thoughts aswell, especially when I'm in bed. I always wander if my LO is going to wake up, and then imagine how distraught I'd be if anything happend to him. I also make sure he's got clean sheets incase there has to be an investigation and they blame me for not looking after him properly due to dirty sheets. Really weird stuff, but I just can't help it, so your not alone Hun.

 

[Elljo3]

Ok so firstly let me start with a huge

I have been in a state shall we say for a few years now. I was diagnosis end with extreme OCD and had my mum helping me but she was taken away from us in 2010 very suddenly from a blood clot on her lung, we didn't even no she was ill as she was very healthy.

The medicine i was on was citalopram but had it changed to see trailing as I felt. That it had helped me so far but needed some thing more.

Thi gs were going great.... Loved life.....

I was pregnant and about 30ish weeks I was very scared and had panic attacks so was out back on the meds..... This has left me feeling like I was before.

I find it very hard to stop thinking someone I love is going to die but that's due to loosing my mum.

I just have a I can't be bothered attitude but alwo can't be bothered to change.
I'm sorry you are going through this and you are not alone.

I recommend you keep a diary as it can help with feelings etc.

Sorry this is long but I wanted you. To no that I am here for you

 

[Elljo3]

Forgot to say that good idea on taking the meds at night as they made me very very sleepy for a few weeks.

 

[Shan4609]

Ok so firstly let me start with a huge

I have been in a state shall we say for a few years now. I was diagnosis end with extreme OCD and had my mum helping me but she was taken away from us in 2010 very suddenly from a blood clot on her lung, we didn't even no she was ill as she was very healthy.

The medicine i was on was citalopram but had it changed to see trailing as I felt. That it had helped me so far but needed some thing more.

Thi gs were going great.... Loved life.....

I was pregnant and about 30ish weeks I was very scared and had panic attacks so was out back on the meds..... This has left me feeling like I was before.

I find it very hard to stop thinking someone I love is going to die but that's due to loosing my mum.

I just have a I can't be bothered attitude but alwo can't be bothered to change.
I'm sorry you are going through this and you are not alone.

I recommend you keep a diary as it can help with feelings etc.

Sorry this is long but I wanted you. To no that I am here for you

So sorry to hear about your mum must be very hard for you, I always think about when my mum goes and it's horrible as he is my rock, bug hugs to you.. Thank you so much everyone for supporting me and replying really means a lot, I also think I have had these thoughts for a long time but now I have my daughter it's got ten times worse, I do feel better I just keep questioning if I'm lying to myself thinking I'm feeling good.. Sounds stupid don't it, I haven't been eating properly and I have lost 9 pounds in two weeks. I would be buzzing if I had even trying but I'm not I just had that awful feeling of guilt and couldn't eat, now I'm worrying something is happening and I'm ill that's why I lost so much but it's not exactly unexplained weightloss as I know I haven't been eating alot, I think also coming on this site has helped me too I know I'm not the only one, when you think your tapped in the head your actually not! It's something that strikes when you have a baby and you can't prevent it, like all through my pregnancy I was a happy chappy so excited but I think it's when all the fuss is over when you have the baby reality sinks in and you panic that you have to protect this little bundle with joy and its only natural to worry but over honking everything really got me down.. We can do this ladies xx

 

[Elljo3]

Thank you.it is very hard as mum was my rock to and I'm having a very hard time but I'm going to keep a diary and write my thoughts feelings and food I eat to see if it helps me when I read back over.

Maybe you could do the same?

Xx

 

[Shan4609]

Yeah I think I will try that, I will prob forget to keep doing it tho as I'm very busy now back at work :/ how do you feel today? Xx