Posting on other forums and offending people.

[keeks1987]

Hi

I've found that since being pregnant, i offend people more than i usually do. I think it's because maybe i don't think things through or something.

Recently, a girl from work went into labour at 23 +5 and lost her baby. I've miscarried a few times so i know how painful it is, but i've never had to go through giving birth.

So, i went onto a different forum here and have read a few things where people have said what has happened and how they are feeling. My thinking being where better to find things to comfort her then from there? Things people have gained comfort from etc. It was from there i understood the "rainbow baby". I'd not heard about it before and when i talked to her about it today it gave her comfort.

Well, someone posted over there that they weren't happy about people looking in there if they were never gonna comment etc. I replied explaining why i was looking and said

"I've had several miss-carriages, all before 12 weeks, however i have been looking on here because a close work friend has recently lost her baby at 23+5.

I figured where better to try and find any words i can to comfort her then on here? It was because of this forum i learnt about Rainbow Babies - I had no idea about them - and tonight was able to tell her about it, which seemed to bring her comfort.

As long as my friend needs me, then i'll look. I never mean to cause offense and i'm heartsick when i read what has happened to people. For me, it's never just gratuitously looking at other people's heartbreak. It's trying to be a good friend.

I hope this makes sense and doesn't cause anyone undue stress or hurt x"

To which someone else commented that even when people say they have a reason it upsets others.


This might just be me, but am i doing the wrong thing? I was just trying to help a friend and it was never anything i've looked at out of morbid fascination. I understand how if someone was doing that to me i'd be upset, but at the same time it's not like i was being deliberately disrespectful? I'm just a little confused. Am i not supposed to be looking there?

Also - When i have ever commented i've not posted my sign off. Just FYI

 

[Sarah24]

We all dip in other sections to pick up as much info and advice as you can. I think you're quite right. You're being a good friend, good for you for getting some relevant help for her xx

 

[firsttimer87]

i think you were very fair in explaining yourself hun, however I think grief does things to people and rightly so, people may feel very sensitive etc. Prob best to leave what you said there and then and allow others to make their minds up. I personally think you have done nothing wrong as forums are there to help anyone/everyone who needs them just my opinion tho xx

 

[Maman]

oh ignore it, they dont make up the forum rules, you sound like a really sweet friend. x

 

[RaspberryK]

I think that's really caring of you, most people wouldn't have bothered to find something like for your colleague or bother to explain themselves in the forum either.

x

 

[seoj]

Doesn't sound like you did anything wrong hun... we all look at other forums from time to time... for this reason or that. If not for our own comfort or knowledge, but maybe for someone we know (such as what you did).

Sometimes I'll go back into the TTC section (as I was there for so so long) - just to peek in on how people are doing. I don't usually post though, as I'm not sure if it may offend someone that I post when I'm currently pregnant. But I've always offered any advise or encouragement when asked... and I have been asked several times as others may relate to my TTC Journey. Just as others may relate to the heartbreak you went through to get where you are today.

I'm sure it's just a very personal thing. They may have just posted that comment in general though... as there are lots of times I'll post something and get lots of lookers, but no comments. I just assume they would comment if they did have advise or help... if not, then I can't expect them all to comment just cause. If that makes sense???

You sound like a caring friend and I'm sure your friend is very grateful to have that!

 

[mummy2lola]

U explained urself and u were doing it to try and find comfort for a friend.u did nothing wrong Hun,don't worry.it's not like u just went in to snoop and alot of people who have gone through such a loss say "if their story could raise awareness in one person" or if "it can bring comfort to others" xx

 

[HappiestMom]

I find that when I tell people about our previous MCs...especially those that have kids or are trying they seem very shocked that I just come out and say it...our friends just found out they were preggie and the hubby told us that they had had MCs but never wanted to talk about it and they were really really torn up about it..they just tried in january and she is already 11 weeks so I know those MCs were early just like mine were...

I think some people are offended that I talk about our MCs so bluntly, almost like it was nothing...but my thinking is that the reason MCs are soo taboo is because people are ashamed of them because no one ever talks about them...I think if more people were open about them...then it would be better because everyone would realize that it just..happens..and its not our faults and we dont need to be ashamed of them.. and hide it away like we committed a horrible crime..and we could get more support and sympathy from friends and family and not feel like we had to hide it..

I think its perfectly fine that you look at other forums...we all do and it does help raise awareness and allow us to comfort others especially if they are going through something that we havent had to personally deal with... Im glad you could help your friend feel better and let her know that its not her fault and there still is hope for another baby in the future...

 

[CuriousGeorge]

I wouldn't worry about it too much

 

[syntaxerror]

^^What she said.

The forums are open, read what you want.

 

[katlin]

Im curious ive heard the term rainbow baby but what does it mean?

 

[HappiestMom]

I found this on a site..I think its a pretty good more elaborate definition...the simple definition is the baby conceived after a loss

"Rainbow Babies" is the understanding that the beauty of a rainbow does not negate the ravages of the storm. When a rainbow appears, it doesn't mean the storm never happened or that the family is not still dealing with its aftermath. What it means is that something beautiful and full of light has appeared in the midst of the darkness and clouds. Storm clouds may still hover but the rainbow provides a counterbalance of color, energy and hope."

 

[aley28]

I found this on a site..I think its a pretty good more elaborate definition...the simple definition is the baby conceived after a loss

"Rainbow Babies" is the understanding that the beauty of a rainbow does not negate the ravages of the storm. When a rainbow appears, it doesn't mean the storm never happened or that the family is not still dealing with its aftermath. What it means is that something beautiful and full of light has appeared in the midst of the darkness and clouds. Storm clouds may still hover but the rainbow provides a counterbalance of color, energy and hope."

That definition made me burst into tears. I knew what a rainbow baby was, but that is the sweetest and more perfect way I've heard it stated.

 

[HappiestMom]

I know..it is the sweetest thing...Ive heard just the simple one and knew what the idea was but that explains it on a whole new level..

 

[prettymachine]

ive read pages and pages in the neonatal loss section... i had googled something and it took me to that. i read for hours, looked at all their pictures, and cried the entire time. i dont think i was doing anything wrong.

 

[katlin]

That is beautiful and very well worded

 

[keeks1987]

Thank you so much everyone.

I didn't think I was doing anything wrong, but i've found you can never be too careful.

I'll continue to have a look and not feel bad xx

 

[Xuxa]

i look at other forums all the time. Do i always comment?most of the time no! i've never lost a baby and besides leaving a hug for comfort i don't always know what else to say.
You're not doing anything wrong. The forums are open and anyone can go there and i don't see it as disrespectful at all to read their stories.

 

[AP]

I can understand why those who have experienced loss/ or looking to give support, (like OP)browse the section, but i don't get why theres a need to go browsing peoples losses? I understand why the girls get upset sometimes when a stranger reads their story/journey and just continues to the next story. Not exactly supportive is it?

In a similar bracket i see people browse the preemie section "just to see what my baby looks like" and i don't like how our storys provide some weird entertainment to some.

It's one thing lurking / reading and running on a random thread but when it comes to reading very sensitive stories I recommend leaving some words or a hug. It's hard enough sharing a hard experience,without strangers just reading and leaving no feedback.

A bit of respect wouldn't go amiss

 

[hayley x]

why do you want to 'browse' at our losses, maybe you could have made a thread over there asking how you can support her? I fully understand your reasoning to get support for your friend, but its SO easy to to leave a on any of the stories you read. Our babies are our world, they're just not here to live it. They are ignored enough in real life, the loss section is our lifeline, and the girls there have become my rock!!

I dont understand why you have to come into another section and start a thread about another section/person/people in that section. Its not fair.