PPD Is Kicking My Ass: My PPD Journal

[HappiestMom]

Well this isnt day one of the PPD but its day one of my journal. LO is sick, both hubby and I have been sick and are still getting over it a bit. Just soo sad and depressed and that horrible alone..everything is wrong all the time feeling...and Im just so tired of it...its day 3 of the zoloft..started on Thursday...hoping it starts to make me feel even a bit better..the days are hard crying wise..but the night times are hardest..even though hubby is home idk why but I just cant stop crying and feeling horribly blah...I dont mind taking care of LO and it has nothing to do with her but its definitely just getting through the day taking care of her and not enjoying it like I thought I would...still recovering from my emergency c-section internally...but back to normal for the most part...and I know that my birth not going like I thought..and the days in the hospital being alone while hubby went home coz he was sick definitely play into this stupid PPD...

no idea what we are going to do today but hopefully get out of the house...I definitely need to get out of the house...

 

[HappiestMom]

well going out didnt help at all..cried the whole way home..and then once we got home still cried...

feeling crappy already today so not expecting to feel much better...

 

[HappiestMom]

had a horrid horrid day today..until hubby came home and made it all better..bought a carrier so he can help with LO...bought some green soft nipple soothies which she actually likes (so far atleast) and helped with her so I could have some down time... having a huge high moment for the past hour or two and hoping that tonight goes ok and maybe somehow tomorrow will be better than today...going to try to get out of the house if the weather is ok

 

[Sparkly baby]

Hi mrsjerome,

How are you feeling now? Have you been to the dr about how you feel? They may be able to help.

 

[HappiestMom]

yeah Im on zoloft..started last thursday...im having a great night so far since hubby is home and just wishing it isnt a fluke and that I wont wake up feeling crappy tomorrow...bedtime now..hoping she is a good sleeper tonight and we get some ZZZss

 

[HappiestMom]

had a total breakdown yesterday morning and went to an emergency appt at the OB...had a mini therapy session with the amazing nurses lol...my zoloft dose has been upped to 100 a day instead of the 50 and they put me on vistaril...which made me feel insane and physically skin crawly and painful even and then I was exhausted so fast it hit so hard I could barely carry her to the bassinet..luckily she was asleep...I tried to sleep but my mind wouldnt stop and my body just felt wrong and hurt...so I called and reported and asked if it was the new med or the upped zoloft and they told me the new med clearly wasnt working for me and so Im on xanax now...

shes waking up so will finish in a bit....

ok well that was a blow out lol....almost up to the bellybutton.. lol.. anyway so they put me on xanax and told me that I need to get out of the house without LO..let hubby watch her and just go somewhere...to get coffee...a movie..whatever I felt like I could handle and he could handle his first time alone with her...so we got a $50 card yesterday for Target as a baby present from hubbys ex boss and I left right when he got home from work..I called my mom and talked to her while I was there..which was nice..she always makes me feel better..bought some nail polish and some earrings and lipgloss and some fignewtons (could eat my weight in those things!) and stopped and got a frappe from mcdonalds and then picked up my xanax and came home...hubby said he could see how being at home alone all day with a baby could make someone feel like I did and make someone go crazy lol..so I think he has a new respect for what I do all day...I took a xanax when I got home...I wanted to take a half pill coz it causes drowsiness but he told me to take a full one and it made me soo sleeping..not knock me off my ass in 5 mins like the other vistaril did but just a constant drowsiness...so last night wasnt so fun as I was just exhausted but she slept for about 3-4 hours this morning so I got to sleep and woke up feeling ok....took a half dose this time about an hour or so ago and I feel ok.... so hopefully this will work for me till the zoloft kicks in...and then I'll be happy and not worry about being drowsy....


will report back later tonight with an update of how the day goes...hopefully will be ok and will have positive things to report back...fingers crossed

 

[wannabeprego]

@MrsJerome, I am glad that the Xanax seems to be helping and that they changed your dose on your Zoloft. I have a feeling that you are going to start to feel a little better each day!! Thats good that you got out of the house and took a short break. I am sure that also made u feel better. When I had to take xanax for panic attacks a few years ago it would make me super sleepy also. I am really sensitive to medications though. I hope you are feeling even better today hun....

https://i255.photobucket.com/albums/hh126/izzybee22/hip1.gif

 

[HappiestMom]

got some great sleep last night as we moved LO into her nursery across the hall in her bassinet (no crib yet till after Christmas) so that hubby wont hear all her tiny little sleep noises that make him think she needs something lol..funny that he would be that way and not me..but I guess since Im with her all day I know she does that all the time in her sleep and its nothing to pick her up over...so we both actually got some undisturbed sleep finally..she woke up around 4 and I got her back down around 4:45..and then she just woke up again around 7:45...going through a growth spurt so all she wants to do is eat and sleep...

but anyway..back to PPD...I felt ok this morning taking care of her in the middle of the night but woke up at 7:45am and pretty much immediately started to feel the anxiety and bad feelings again so took my half pill of xanax since the whole pill made me soo sleepy last time and Im home alone taking care of her..and then took my 100mg of zoloft...hubby is about to leave for work...I already feel a bit better I think just knowing I took the meds and they will actually help and I'll have a good day like yesterday...going to go get a few more hours sleep hopefully once he leaves...weather is horrible again so that also is affecting my mood definitely...my mom has always suffered with depression..both regular and PPD and says that November is the WORST month to have to deal with depression because of the sucky weather...its not sunny..its windy..drab...blah..rainy and that makes it soo much worse on your mood as opposed to the spring or summer and the sun and flowers and nice weather...so note to self..with baby #2..if I can talk myself into that after this whole experience...we will be trying for a spring due date...

in laws are coming in tonight around 9pm...kind of dreading it and kind of looking forward to maybe getting some sleep if MIL watches LO while I rest since shes on the bottle now from my having to pump and dump..it frees me up alot more than her breastfeeding...

well..hes about to leave..Im about to head back to bed..hoping that she stays down for a bit and I'll wake up with the meds kicked in and feel good...will report back later...

 

[DLA]

MrsJerome, I could have written this journal myself! I have been having the same problems with anxiety and ppd (more anxiety). The way you describe is EXACTLY the way I feel. I was also put on zoloft and Xanax. I only took the Xanax once because it made me so drowsy for like 8 hours which increased my anxiety because it was so difficult to care for my son like that (if I need to take it again i plan I splitting the pill too). Hope things start going better for you. Everyone tells me that these feelings are only temporary and today I actually felt like a version of my formal self so I'm hoping I will continue feel better. Good luck with everything

 

[HappiestMom]

yeah I took the xanax full dose and it made me soo drowsy...I could barely stay awake that night to feed her..I only took the full dose coz my hubby said he would do that nights feeding and of course that didnt happen..so the half dose is the perfect amount for me..makes me feel better but doesnt knock me out...so maybe try it..but do it sometime when hubby or someone else is around to help incase its still too much for you...its soo weird to feel ok again..because then you realize how BAD you have been feeling...

I had to take a second half pill tonight coz the inlaws are in for the weekend and I could feel the anxiety kicking around 5 or 6 in as I dont get along with MIL...but otherwise Ive been ok today after my first dose this morning ...hoping tomorrow goes ok...since I'll be home alone with her and the inlaws so hopefully MIL wont drive me crazy tomorrow

hopefully the zoloft will kick in soon for both of us and make us feel better for good...

 

[HappiestMom]

well I made it through the inlaws being here..can still feel the anxiety attacks a bit before they really kick in but I HATE that feeling and then I panic because I know whats about to happen..its such a vicious downward spiral...cant wait for all this to be over and for the zoloft to kick in and just be over this whole depression thing...having a bad moment right now I guess... just took my meds so hopefully it will kick in soon...

 

[mumatmadhouse]

Hi, i remember you from when we got our BFP's.

Sorry to hear you are having a rough time right now. I also suffer with depression and anxiety but am trying to fight it without the meds (long story, i wont bore you). Remember to take baby steps and praise yourself for the little achivements, vbe kind to yourself.

How are you doing?