Pre schoolers social skill shy selfish

[laura109]

Hi all. I have an appointment with the health visitor thursday but thought i would ask on here too. My 4 year old....

Basically its a mixture of things. For the last year she has been tricky to take out to meet with friends. She is a terrible sharer. She embarasses me so much with it. She had a "best friend" from 9 months. But they outgrew eachother. My daughter was too bossy (trying to hold his hand when he did not want to) and he was too sensitive. Because he would cry at everything she did (90% time she was doing nothing wrong)she got silly around him. I think she was constantly being asked to stop and leave him and she just got anxious? She only wanted to hold his hand ir run etc. But she would also pinch his hat and run about for eg. She perhaps did this because her brother would giggle if she did this to him. I tried for ages to get her to calm down with him, but we had to also accept it was him aswel and my daughter liked a different style of play. So we have knocked that on the head but they will be in the same class.

Another example. She is actually shy! So shy with talking. People think she is rude as she wont say hello etc. She takes ages to warm up in alot if places but after say an hour, she is a chatterbox. This is why i am talking to the health visitor. I worry about her spreaking up at school etc. Even at her nannys she wont answer questions for ages but i can see her nerves.

Sunday we had her nursery graduation. She went on stage and got her certificate. No panic or tears, big smiles! But when the dancing etc started she had no interest. It might of been that we were there, but watching every other child run about with friends made me sad. I realised she did not have the confidence or know how to relax and get stuck in. We plonked her in the cried only for her to come back over. I came home thinking i hope she can make friends.

Yesterday we went to her school taster. She did not speak directly to anyone but if she wanted to tell the teacher something she told me so they could hear. She was good for most of it. She painted and went to other activities. She did not try and play with others, but plenty of children were the same. She was being a little defiant in the last 15 minutes. I struggled to get her to listen when i told her she could not put the mud kitchen mud in the other playhouse. She asked me to go away lol!!! I managed to coax her away as she often struggles after 45 minutes at a play thing. She gets tired! We went and calmy did a puzzle and i basically managed her mood. I am sure she will behave totally different for teachers. She is fine at nursery. Its just understanding boundaries i guess. Plus i am her mum so she will be more cheeky to me.

We left the taster and i felt it went fairly well. I was sad she had not played with others, but on the way home we stopped at the park and a child from the class came into the park. My daughter ran over to get in the swing. I thought she was going to be all possesive and she would embarass me but the little girl coped great with her. She pushed my daughter on the swing. Then my daughter asked her if she wanted to climb. They ran off holding hands and climbed. They had a good 10 minute play whilst i chatted to her mum. I told her mum she can be bossy but shes shy too. She said her daughters hard work too. We walked home with them. My daughter did throw grass in this little girls hair. I have no idea why she does silly things like this. The girls mum laughed and her daughter was fine with it. Then my daughter said i want her to come to my house. I said maybe one day she can. My daughter then said but she cant play with my toys. Again i felt embarrased. Me and the mum swapped numbers and she text last night to say her daughter was still talking about mine. I do hope they become friends but we will see.

Also one of my other friends has a 18 month old and my daughter hates it if i pick her up? Its again embarassing me.

I feel like i am always trying to manage her when we have to mix. I am on edge the whole time and go home often feeling upset that she is 4 and still has no clue about how to mix. She is shy at nursery but has no trouble there. They say she does not have a bestie but mixes with a few different kids.

Where have i gone wrong? Its like she is shy but also selfish?? I am worried she will go over the top with people. Will she learn to relax with sharing etc? I dont know how else to help her. Ive talked to her so many times about it. Is this normal 4 year old behaviour or is she behind socially?? Do your kids listen to you?

 

[Rainbow82]

A lot of what you mention is still perfectly within the bounds of age related behaviour but that said she does seem to be struggling socially.
My son was very similar to some of this, he can be shy and sometimes show signs of slight anxiety (eg at his school taster he was happily playing with the other children but as soon as the TA spoke to him he refused to talk). Some other stuff he is much better at now because I took a step back, really looked at him and where he was struggling and spoke to nursery to see if he was the same there (he was actually much better at nursery) then realised that in so many situations I was making excuses for him. I realised I had to change the way I managed him.
Is it possible you could also be justifying some of the things your daughter does eg, it’s because she has a bossy personality or because she’s tired/anxious/shy etc? Could you find a different way of managing some of these personality traits? I found using much gentler parenting helped no end.

Have you spoken to her nursery? Maybe before seeing the HV ask nursery for a copy of her latest assessment? Which age band are they assessing her in for social skill/managing feelings and behaviour etc? Maybe nursery could also suggest some activities to help with these areas?

This parenting stuff is hard work, I’ve found it a huge jump going from one child to two. Hang in there hopefully it will get easier.

 

[laura109]

Thank you for you reply. Its so hard for me to find a way to handle her. Sonetimes i worry ive corrected her that much that she just cant relax around me. Its hard though when another child is not happy with what she is doing. Sometimes i can see its my friends son being difficult but i still have to ask her to leave him alone if hes upset by it.

How can i help her further? Ive told her how to treat people and explained about peoples feelings etc. She has only been at nursery since she was 3 but mixed at at playgroup from a year. She does swimming. She has done outdoor activties as we have national trust cards. She often plays in the outddor adventure parks and manages to play around others.

I guess she has not had exposure in the sense that her grandparents, aunties etc she rarely sees unless im there too. Im just trying to figure it out and work out where i went wrong. Things got tricky when her brother came along.

Her nursery said shes on target for everything but needs to practice sharing. They always say she has been fine when we go pick her up.we had parents evening last month and it sounded positive.