Predicament

[ScaredSarah]

Hi

I found out a week ago that I'm pregnant and am yet to book the appointment for my ultrasound. I would have to be at least 2 months along. I didn't believe I could be pregnant because I had my last two periods but they were late, light and lasted about half the time they normally do.. yet three pregnancy tests have now confirmed I am.. Now to the problem...

I am unsure if/how to tell the father. He and I were friends that moved to more when my bf and I were having problems.. I was told to take my time making the decision on whether to patch things up with my bf or go to the new guy. This was a hard decision because patching things up with the bf was the safe bet as the new one was 5 years younger than me, unemployed, just got kicked out of home etc. So just as i decide my heart is with the younger one he goes a bit weird with me after finding out I saw my bf one night (nothing happened) and a week later he tells me that the guilt has taken over and I took too long to decide whether I wanted to officially be with him. After a couple of weeks we start talking again and about a week later again he gets a gf. This hurt me too much so I told him I wanted nothing to do with him anymore..

Now, I have been overly emotional during all this, more than I have ever been! That coupled with my late morning – early afternoon urge to throw up no appetite, and late, light and short period had a couple of friends start asking questions.. To prove them wrong I bought a pregnancy test.. well that came back positive so I bought another test which also came back positive.. Unhappy with these results I went to the dr and got my third positive result.

I think I'm still in shock about it all to be honest and the 3 people that know are saying I have to tell the father.. but I told him I want nothing to do with him anymore and I mean it! I really don't know if I should tell him or not, I know morally I should but realistically I'm too gutless to say anything. He's one of those very skeptical people and he's young (22) and for some reason I can't help but see him thinking it's a play to get him back, which if he knows me half as well as he thinks, he should know I would never do! If I did tell him it would be something like "I'm only telling you because you have a right to know but the only thing I want from you is to be left alone". Even if I did want him around, I couldn't see him as a father figure, for me that would require him to stop drinking every day, stop the drug use and hold a job for more than a month or so, deciding it's too boring and quitting then being unemployed for several months.

I really don't know how to tackle this.. I know I can't get away with having our baby and not saying anything to him and I don't believe in abortion (which is what I'm being told I have to do by supposed friends)… Any advice would be greatly appreciated.

The situation is playing havoc with my depression too so I'm the first to admit I'm not really thinking straight.

 

[NoSpringChick]

Hi, I would see your gP about the depression firstly and mayeb they can refer you for a bit of councelling, who will help with any desicians you feel youve got to make, and how to tell the father.
Also dont listen to friends who say you HAVE to do anything.
I think you should tell the dad as regardless if youre going to get together or not, he is the babies dad.
Good luck xx

 

[Jkelmum]

Hi and welcome to BnB .....I think you should tell him but in your own time there is no rush get your head straight and maybe write down what u want to say to him ...plz go see your GP and get help for your depression ...good luck with your pregnancy xxx

 

[ScaredSarah]

Thank you for your replies

The depression is something I am working on.. again, it started when I lost my baby six years ago so through this it has reared its ugly head again.

The telling him part has been eating away at me and I have sat here typing up numerous 'i need to talk to you' messages but just haven't been able to bring myself to send it, I think I'm scared of what he's going to say. For my sake and for my baby's sake, I'm determined not to let him instigate a backwards step for me emotionally.

I spoke to a good friend of mine yesterday afternoon and told her, she's also the only one that knew the father and I were seeing each other. Well, she's actually really excited for me and is being very supportive and giving me lots of advice from her experience and has also said I have to tell him. She agrees that the way he is currently he is no good as a father figure but thinks I should give him a chance to change and prove himself if he wants to be a part of it. She knows him quite well and thinks that it may be what makes him take a long hard look at his life as it is and make a move in the right direction... I'm a bit more skeptical since he was making changes when he was with me and expressed his desire to get away from his jaded past, now that I'm not around he has gone back to his old ways so....

Anyway it's so hard to keep my mind on work right now!!!

 

[ScaredSarah]

Ok.. so I sent the father a message today that basically said we need to talk because something has come up and he has a right to know about it... he hasn't even replied so I'm taking it as he doesn't want to know

 

[Kitten]

The thing is, he'll find out eventually, and the last thing you need is him being crappy about it and finding out about 'his rights' just to make a point and taking it to stupid levels if you know what I mean? I think give him a bit more time to reply to your message and if in a week you haven't heard anything, phone him up and talk to him. Or send him a letter. Or even just go and bang on his door and tell him to his face. I think you HAVE to tell him and know he knows, and if he wants nothing to do with you after that, then fair enough, sod him, but you can't really say he wants nothing to do with his kid because he didn't reply to a message saying "we need to talk" or whatever.

 

[Seraphim]

Hi Sarah

I think I echo everything in the replies here.
I'm sorry to hear about this difficult situation, I really hope everything turns out for the best, and all 3 of you feel like you have the future you deserve.

I debated saying nothing... I don't want to upset anybody, but I think all kinds of outside views can be helpful when things seem such a muddle.

One of the golden rules:

If you always do, what you've always done - you'll always get, what you've always had.

So if you want a more productive response from the father... maybe there's a more productive way to approach him?

But the bottom line is, this baby will arrive without influence on it's parents thoughts or feelings - and you two need to put your individual thoughts and feelings to one side in preference for what's best for the baby.

Who you're in a relationship with, and how you feel about the father isn't really the point when there is a question of a baby and the care and parenting it receives.

If a good personal/romantic relationship can be grown with the father, than all the better for the 3 of you, but there is no debating or changing who the father is, whether he replies to messages, wants to marry you, or can't stand the sound of your voice... it doesn't matter.

I hope my comments have been helpful in sorting the important from the desireable. It's potentially an upsetting situation, and I have no wish to add to that. I really hope that with a bit of no-bull$h!t action you can all have a really happy life.

xx

 

[ScaredSarah]

update..

so i find out he had a new number around the time the message was sent so that would explain the no reply... I had no way to contact him as he had a new number, moved houses (this was in the works while we were seeing each other) and had no internet either.

About two weeks ago I got a call from an unknown number that hung up when I answered and later that day I missed a call from a number I didn't know and then a message from him like nothing had ever happened.. It took me til yesterday to actually tell him I had to talk to him about something to which he called me straight away.

So I told him and it started with what I expected.. 'it's not mine' but then he thought about it a bit more and realised that it had to be his. Then the 'what are we going to do?' to which I told him I didn't want anything from him, that wasn't why I was telling him. I was telling him simply because he has to know. Surprising thing was he seemed a bit put out by the i want nothing from you bit... I explained that the only thing I'd ask of him is that if the baby needs anything for medical reasons and I can't do it, that he would do that. When he realised what I meant there was no hesitation with the yeah definitely so that was a relief for me.

Anyway, long story short, he knows now, he was understandably shocked and I probably could've been a bit more understanding of how he was feeling when I told him but I can't change that now.

 

[Lazy Leo]

Glad you managed to sort things out hun xx