Pregnancy impacting on relationship.

Discussion in 'Pregnancy - Second Trimester' started by Incubator, Oct 26, 2008.

  1. Incubator

    Incubator Well-Known Member

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    Hi.

    I'm having a pretty miserable day. It's peeing down and things aren't going well with my boyfriend. We're both finding the pregnancy is really taking its toll on our relationship and I don't know how to make things better.

    I know that I'm being overly emotional about things and that the lack of sleep is making me grumpier than normal. Is anyone else finding that relations have become more strained during pregnancy?

    Sorry to whine, just feeling a bit lost.

    Thanks for listening.

    x
     
  2. Dragonfly

    Dragonfly Mother of 4

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    could be the hormones making things look worse. Mines got better in fact. But when I am in grumpy storm mood he keeps out of my way now where as we used to row. is he looking after you? what sort of things are happening? if you dont mind me asking.
     
  3. claire1978

    claire1978 Mum of 4

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    Do u know I could of wrote that exact same thing today, thats how Ive been feeling although I have had other stuff going on aswell, my mum lives with us and there has been abit of hassle but she is house sitting from tonight for 5 weeks so we will get a break and then hopefully she will be getting a council place, she is on the active list, this short notice of her going to stay at a friends has given me short notice that she wont be paying us any rent for November, i always sort out money in advance and I hate not knowing whats going to happen so this has screwed me up abit and Ive had such an emotional day :cry:

    My hubby has been annoying me since last night aswell, he hasnt really done anything wrong, I think its just me being pregnant etc, I broke down in tears earlier and it helped loads just to talk to him about it and I must say I now feel loads better, Ive stayed upstairs most of the day and hes downstairs cooking a nice roast chicken dinner, he loves cooking whereas I hate it.

    I said to him earlier that I felt lost and numb but I think its all part of pregnancy and the hormones, just try and stay focused and this phase will pass :hugs:
     
  4. Incubator

    Incubator Well-Known Member

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    We usually have a pretty incredible relationship. He often describes himself as being disgustingly smug about how good and close our relationship is but over the last few weeks we just seem to be missing each other. We've been finding it hard to communicate and I've become more and more withdrawn while he's become more and more angry.

    I don't feel like he wants to understand anything from my point of view and as I've suffered from depression for a number of years he's now refusing to take any responsibility for any of our issues and blames everything on my being 'crazy'.

    I know I'm being more difficult to live with than usual but I really don't think I'm being as awful as I'm being told I am. I just don't know how to make things better. He asked me to give him some space yesterday so I went into a different room and spent the evening on my own and then he accused me of ignoring him and being passive aggressive. I just don't know what to do. I can't seem to do anything right.
     
  5. Incubator

    Incubator Well-Known Member

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    Claire - hope things get better for you xxx
     
  6. Dragonfly

    Dragonfly Mother of 4

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    No your not! I go into strop moods and smash things and my Oh does not treat me like that! he stays back and knows its pregnancy and conforts me. He should be supporting you, and i am sure if he reached out to help yuo even if it was just a hug or making you some dinner you wouldnt be worse. You have to have it out with him, i am sure he is scared also of all the changes. did he ever say he was looking forward to baby?

    your pregnant and cannot be held responsble for how you think lol (i read that somewhere)
     
  7. Incubator

    Incubator Well-Known Member

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    He's over the moon about the baby and has even been designing personalized sleep suits. It's me he's not happy with!
     
  8. Dragonfly

    Dragonfly Mother of 4

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    he is not happy with how its changed you? does he not relise how pregnancy reacts with womens bodys and the changes?
    I think he just needs a bit more tolerance.
     
  9. pennysbored

    pennysbored Well-Known Member

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    I know that pregnancy has changed the way Oh and I deal with each other. But it doesn't always work.
    As much as I agree with everyone else in regards to how he should be more understanding, perhaps he is just going through a bit of a freak out over a new baby being in the house? Which is making him a complete douche bag?
    Just a theory. Hope it all smooths over for you, babe.
     
  10. Lois

    Lois Me, OH, Evie & Joseph

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    I don't think it is necessarily helpful to take the stance that he is the problem and he needs to sort it out. When two people are not connecting, each blaming it on the other just escalates the problem. Seems like you both have a lot going on in your heads and you're just having trouble communicating at the moment. It sounds like your relationship is usually very strong and very happy so no doubt you can come through this difficult stint and feel close again very soon. I would suggest speaking to your partner in a non-accusative way when you feel he is open to chatting...perhaps you can start with something along the lines of "I love you very much and it's making me really sad that we don't seem to be our usual selves at the moment...I'd really like to understand how you are feeling and to help you understand what's going on in my head too." It prob sounds a bit corny but if you can show the other person that you are not attacking them it really helps to open up communication. I'm sure you'll be loved up again before you know it. Lx
     
  11. Incubator

    Incubator Well-Known Member

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    Thanks so much ladies. It's ridiculous - I spent 10 years working as a psychotherapist but am useless when it comes to my own problems. I really appreciate the advice. Things are still pretty awful but we've both acknowledged just how much we love each other so I guess that's a start. We both need to be less defensive and learn how to communicate again but it's bloody hard work!

    Can't thank you all enough for listening.
    xxx
     
  12. lolly101

    lolly101 Well-Known Member

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    I hope you feel ok soon hun...my hubby was off work a few years ago and we "lost" each other...we were both depressed and took it out on each other. My hubby said nasty things to me and made me feel really small and insignificant, I know its hard to cope with. Keep talking to each other, you have both said how much you love each other so you are halfway there already!!! Maybe if you try and explain to him how you are feeling, that you are v excited about baby but your hormones are all over the place!! I have been joking about it with my hubby, that way when I am grumpy he leaves me alone til I get over it!!
    Apparently 1 in ten women get depression when they are pregnant not just after it, maybe a midwife would be able to help, or your GP....????
    My huby chills out in teh bath when hes in a bad mood...I text him to see if he's ok, that way he knows Im thinking of him but I don't have to start an arguement by"spoiling his "me" time!!":hug:
     
  13. lillysmum

    lillysmum Mum of 2 cheeky monkeys

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    I hope things get better for you soon.
     
  14. Momma2Violet

    Momma2Violet Well-Known Member

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    My dh and I have been together for 8 years, and when we found out that we were expecting in June, he was overjoyed (while I was reserved--not unhappy at ALL, just realistic) and then he crashed emotionally about a month later at the end of July. Seriously--I'm not at ALL taking up for men in general (because women have it pretty difficult being the one actually CARRYING the child) but it seems that men are hardwired to be responsible for EVERYTHING, and being responsible for you and now, a little one, and the knowledge that this will forever change your existence can be pretty overwhelming to them. At least it was for mine. And he reacted rather poorly, I must admit. Cold, unsympathetic, uninterested in ANY discussion, including names. Unwilling to touch my stomach...totally emotionally distant. It was a ROUGH August, for sure. And then, he told me what was going on. Told me all of it. That he was simply terrified--of screwing up, of being a bad father (who would want him as a father?????), and that the day before I told him I was pregnant was the last day it would ever be the same as it had been between us, and the house, and the dogs, etc...and a number of other things that had actually crossed my mind (who would pick me as a mother????). So, we made an appointment for him to talk with someone (which has been a long time coming...longer story :)) and things have been wonderful since. A total turnaround for him.

    I haven't had the rash of emotions that go along with the pregnancy--I can get a little grouchy when tired, but other than that, not so much.

    Just try not to let this affect YOUR pregnancy--I did--I was a mess in August and really felt like I couldn't function. This is a remarkable, wonderful time in your life, and I came to the realization that it was going to happen with or without him, and told him such. He came right along, after that :)

    Thinking of you!!!
     
  15. louise1302

    louise1302 mum to FIVE boys :)

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    i hope things get better hun xx me and the oh have been a bit funny with each other since i got pregnant i am moody and withdrawn and he doesnt know what to do to help so keeps out of the way most of the time, what i did do tho was sit him down in front of bnb and show him what some people had written about the stresses of pregnancy. it seemed to help he is a lot more tolerant and helpful these days xx
     
  16. Incubator

    Incubator Well-Known Member

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    Thanks again.

    Momma2Violet - I really appreciate you comments and advice. Having kids is an overwhelmingly huge thing to take on and it's no wonder that we all deal with it differently. I went to see a therapist yesterday and it really helped. When I got home we sat down and actually talked without aggression or unpleasantness and I feel like we turned a corner. Hope the rest of your pregnancy goes really well. I'm due in February too, I've been given three different due dates though....25th, 28th and March 1st!

    Thanks so much to all you lovely ladies.

    x
     
  17. danapeter36

    danapeter36 Well-Known Member

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    It's weird isn't it, you don't realise how much things are going to be impacted by pregnancy before you actually get there yourself and suddenly you have so many hormones and because you're head is so full of worry for the baby, and your own health and also all the changes your body is going through, it's natural things will change. I know how you feel. It's tough on you both, just tell him you love him and explain how you feel.

    Sending the biggest hugs.
     
  18. Incubator

    Incubator Well-Known Member

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    I think because we tried so hard for this baby and were so happy when I managed to get pregnant that neither of us imagined that there would be anything other than happy happy happy for the whole 9 months! How wrong we were...but I do think we're finally starting to adjust to the changes...we'll get there!

    Thanks for the hugs - they are very much needed right now!

    Best of luck with your pregnancy x
     
  19. Momma2Violet

    Momma2Violet Well-Known Member

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    Incubator...I'm soooo glad that you had an opportunity to sit down with someone and talk. It's very important, and that you can have your own "headspace" is really key. Now, at least it's all out on the table--he knows where you are, and hopefully, he has been forthcoming with his emotions, as well. I can only imagine how much you wanted this baby, and yes, it can be a shock when things aren't as rosy as we imagine...

    Wow, 3 different dates? Just pick the 19th and we can be buddies :) Of course, our little one will probably come in March, if I make any plans :)
     

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