Pregnant with #2 - Afraid to tell best friend

[runner311]

My daughter is turning a year old this upcoming weekend, we always said that we would try for #2 when she was 1 but decided for me to go off the pill in January and just let nature takes its course.

I did OPK's, thought for sure that we didnt get the right window but took a test yesterday along with today and there is a faint but visible line. Still a bit early but will continue to test.

My best friend on the other hand, has gone through 5 or 6 IVF rounds and has lost about 4 babies so far, her body just wont accept a pregnancy and the doctors cant explain to her why.

Since I had my first baby, our relationship hasnt been the same. There is something there that wasnt there before, a bit of uncomfort when we talk/hang out. I personally think its a bit of jealousy (not trying to sound harsh, really I am not) or just that its hard to see me with a baby when she is unable to have one. I feel bad for her and her husband, I dont ask her many questions on the topic since I know it can be hard to discuss. It took my husband and I 2 years to conceive our first and I know what its like when people ask you questions all the time.

Anyway, once this pregnancy is confirmed, I am having a hard time figuring out how to tell her. She just lost another baby to IVF 2 weeks ago. I dont want this to hurt our relationship - which it really shouldnt, but I know how hard it must be to see other people getting pregnant when she is unable to.

Looking for some words of advice on how to approach the topic with her. I want to be able to share the details with her, but afraid to talk about it. Even with my daughter, I feel weird telling her things, I am afraid it will upset her.

 

[butterflywolf]

I was in the same boat as you. First pregnancy was a mmc/bo at 10 weeks for us and took 9 more months just to conceive after we started to try again. My close friend (at the time) got pregnancy shortly after we had our first miscarriage. I felt...horrible. She didn't even know how I'd feel though and I acted like it didn't bother me. I was upset and sad, why them, why so easily for them? They can't even support themselves (and their son). But at the same time I was happy for them even if it was hard.

My friend ended up miscarrying at 12 weeks. I felt horrible for her. She got pregnant again shortly after we finally fell pregnant and we were looking forward to planning so much with our new babies. We both were afraid of losing our babies again and what not. I had my daughter, she lost that baby at 13 weeks.

My DH and I tried for our second child March 2014, got pregnancy first month! Never happened to use before. I wanted to tell my friend right away so she wouldn't find out thru the grapevine. So I told her when I was only 4 1/2 weeks along. She was happy even though she had just gone through another miscarriage a few weeks prior at 10 weeks. She knew I felt bad telling her but she said we both know what it feels like and we understand each other. I ended up losing that one a few days after I told her. A few months later we were pregnant again and I told her again right away. I wanted her to have time to adjust again if there were any 'feelings' there. Again I lost that one at 5 1/2 weeks. We used each other to support each other in the good and bad times no matter how much we may have been hurting to know the other was pregnant. Sadly we had a falling apart when she got divorce but we are still semi there for each other. With this pregnancy I also told her right away and she was happy and over the moon. More so this go around probably cause she wasn't TTC at all and didn't have to focus on that herself.

So yea it sucks. It will always suck. I would tell her as soon as it is confirmed that way she has time to adjust. Go to a lunch on or something small like that and tell her. Let her know right off the bat you aren't sure how to tell her what you are about to tell her. That you have thought about her feelings and all that. That's what I did. You know your friend the most and how she may or may not react. I wish/hope for the best between the two of you.

BTW congrats and Happy and Healthy 9 months for you

 

[Blu10]

Congrats on your BFP firstly. I wouldnt tell her for a good few weeks if she only lost a baby 2 weeks ago as her hormones will be everywhere and its the last thing you want to hear. If she knew u were trying soon id start by saying something like - you know we spoke about how we would try for another baby, well i wanted to share with you that im preg again and i know that it might be really difficult because of everything that you have been through. Id also reassure her that although you havent been in her situation and have no idea how she feels that you are there for her to talk to and vent at any time but also appreciate if she needs space. I dont think id mention too much about the pregnancy unless she asks. X

 

[maryanne1987]

I agree that maybe waiting to tell her for now might be best, purely as her loss was recent. I was the one in my group of friends that people were afraid to announce their pregnancy to. I had friends tip toe round me for years as they were afraid how Id react to their news. To be honest that annoyed me more. Yes it hurts when someone announces a pregnancy and you have been lttc, sometimes Id go home and have a little cry to myself but then I pulled myself together and realised these people were my friends and it would be awful for me not to support and be happy for them. Hopefully in a few weeks time she will be able to be happy for you once she's had time to grieve for her loss. Congrats on your bfp!!

 

[bernie86]

It is a hard situation to be in... My long time friend and I have been talking about "when we have babies" for years and it just kind of fell in line that our husbands were ready to start trying around the same time. (They started trying about 6 mos before us) Well I found out I was pregnant the 3rd cycle after going off BC and she had just found out she needed to start clomid. I put off telling her til I was 7 weeks. She was so excited and supportive, and she did admit it was hard to hear but she wanted good things for me too. I had my MMC at 10 weeks and she was there for me, about two weeks later she called me excited because she finally got her BFP! I remember being so entirely happy for her, because I knew what she had been going through to get there and I actually didnt feel jealous at all. She shortly after had a miscarriage. and I was glad we had each other for support. well we both became pregnant again on our first cycles after the losses and I was about 2 weeks ahead of her when she got her BFP and she again experienced another MC. I'm still pregnant and I feel like this time it might have put a little strain, because shes depressed about her body not wanting to hold a pregnancy. Im trying at the moment just be there for her because I know what she is going through, and only talk about my pregnancy if she asks. but Iam so worried that with my baby due only two weeks before hers would have been she is going to not want to be there for me later on.

 

[adr75050]

I have been in this boat, but on the other side as the friend with 5 failed IVFs. My husband and I tried for 3 years to conceive, sold our house to do IVF, racked up an additional $40k in fertility debt and went through 5 failed IVF's. It is the most emotionally horrible journey ever and I wouldnt wish it on my worst enemy. My best friend was telling me she wanted another baby and she was trying to convince her husband to have another. I told her, if you get pregnant please dont tell me, I will eventually figure it out myself when you start showing because I can't handle to hear it and I was so miserable I couldnt find it in myself to be happy for her without being sad and angry for myself. I would definitely give it a few weeks since she just lost her baby. I am happy for you, and eventually she will be too. It's just such a lonely journey and my heart breaks for her because I can relate so strongly. I hope your friendship can work through all this with time and that you dont feel like you cant celebrate your good news with her. I think you can, just give her a little bit more time and be prepared for tears of joy and sadness. Good luck and congrats on your pregnancy.

 

[runner311]

Thank you all for the responses.

I dont plan to tell anyone until its confirmed by the dr.'s office. I still have a few more days left so AF could show so only time will tell. We plan to tell our families first and then friends, but she will be one of my first friends to tell, it wouldn't be right otherwise since she is my best friend.

I just really want things to work out with her and her infertility. She will be a great mother, she really deserves it all, so I do nothing but wish for best things for her.

 

[Dia0624]

I have been on the other side. I had three miscarriages last year and my closest friend who I knew had been trying for a while became pregnant. I am very very happy for her, however I was just upset at the way she told me. I lost a baby in October and she excitedly told me a few weeks later. I know she is excited as she should be, but if I were in her shoes I would have been a lot more gentle about it. I felt like she wasn't thinking of me at all and it hurt.

 

[runner311]

I have been on the other side. I had three miscarriages last year and my closest friend who I knew had been trying for a while became pregnant. I am very very happy for her, however I was just upset at the way she told me. I lost a baby in October and she excitedly told me a few weeks later. I know she is excited as she should be, but if I were in her shoes I would have been a lot more gentle about it. I felt like she wasn't thinking of me at all and it hurt.

How would you have liked to been told? thats what I am struggling with. I understand about being gentle but what would have made it feel better?

 

[Dia0624]

My friend was all big smiles and excitement when she told me knowing I had just miscarried only a few weeks earlier and how very depressed I was. I guess if I was her I would have cut out the giddiness and calmly said " hey I have some news. I'm finally pregnant. I know you're struggling at the moment, but I didn't not want to tell you since we're so close and I want your support in case something goes wrong" something along those lines, rather than acting like my miscarriages never happened and I should be jumping with joy. You know what I mean?

 

[runner311]

My friend was all big smiles and excitement when she told me knowing I had just miscarried only a few weeks earlier and how very depressed I was. I guess if I was her I would have cut out the giddiness and calmly said " hey I have some news. I'm finally pregnant. I know you're struggling at the moment, but I didn't not want to tell you since we're so close and I want your support in case something goes wrong" something along those lines, rather than acting like my miscarriages never happened and I should be jumping with joy. You know what I mean?

I totally understand. I had a bad previous pregnancy so I will be waiting a while to make sure things are ok before I say anything.

Thank you everyone for your input!

 

[Dia0624]

Aw good luck!! I hope everything works out well