Pregnant with #2 and feeling so sad about harming my relationship with #1

[LadyLovenox]

Hi ladies. As the title says I am pregnant with #2...it's much sooner than expected. With #1, it took us 4 rounds of ivf and 3.5 years of trying to get pregnant. Now that ds is 17 months, I figured we'd better start trying again...i definitely wasn't ready yet, but figured who knows how long we will have to try or what all we will have to go through fertility treatment-wise to get pg again, so better start trying. Well, pg naturally the first month!! Shocker!! I am feeling so blessed after all we have been through, to be pg naturally. However, I feel as sad as I do happy bc I feel like the timer on my special bond w my son has begun its countdown. I feel so horrible for making him share me, and before I feel either of us are ready. I have a bond with my him that is so strong and deep, and I feel that this will crush our special bond. I have been crying a lot, and just want to be happy but I can't help this feeling. Please no rude remarks about how I should have waited till I was ready. If you've been through what I went through to get my son, you'd understand. Thanks in advance.

 

[KRobbo]

What you are feeling is totally normal and there is no time that you would have been 'totally ready'. My second was unplanned (so was my first and currently my third) you just have to roll with it and find every positive you can. My first two are 2yrs 3 months apart so similar to what you will have and I went through the same worries. They are best friends and DS1 often says how sad he would be if he didn't have DS2 to play with. They share a room and laugh all day - they fight too but that's a sibling thing. Maybe our bond is different now but he's also 3 years older and doesn't need me as much as he used too - so it's going to change anyway. Also 9 months is a very long time to a 17 month old so you have lots of time just the two of you. You can find ways to include your son in your pregnancy, when I got nice and round I used to let ds1 paint my belly with face paints.

Congratulations on your news xx

 

[LadyLovenox]

Thanks so much. That helps more than you know. Its 4:15 am where I am and I have been up crying for hours. I totally needed to read your message. Especially the part about how my relationship w him will change regardless as he grows. So true. Hes already wanting held less and I can only imagine that will continue to decrease over the next 9 months. My mom keeps telling me the same...9 months is going to be big changes in him. It's just hard to realize when he's my first. I feel so clingy w him now, like I am the one who needs reassurance.

 

[Mummafrog]

Hey sweetie, it seems like the pregnancy has come as a real shock to you (understandably) and I think one of the most important things is to try not to feel guilty about not being happy or in love with the new bean yet. We tried for 8 months for this one, which is #2 as well, and I still felt kinda shocked and it took a long time to adjust to the idea and process how it would all work in our lives and there were times when I wanted to back out. It's scary, it's a huge adjustment no matter what.
I understand your worries about losing the bond with your first but I promise that you have a strong foundation and attachment then even as they grow and become more independent there are always moments that remind you the bond is still there. My sweet little girl is 3 in June and we now spend a lot of time apart as I work and daddy stays home and she loves going off to her grandparents and is a very busy little madam but when we sit on the sofa at the end of the day or she crawls into my bed in the early hours we snuggle so close and she strokes my skin and we tell each other we love each other. She's also started stroking and kissing my belly and seems really excited about having a new baby at home
I guess my point is.. that things change but that mummy baby bond, if it's formed early on, it never breaks and a new child will only bring more joy to you all.
I've been reminding myself as well that I only have a short time left with just dd alone but I'm seeing it as something to enjoy and cherish as much as I can until we welcome her brother or sister into the family best not waste the time thinking you're running out of time lovely.

*hugs to you*

 

[superfrizbee]

I posted just the same sort of dilemma when I was pregnant with my second. My dd was 2 and 4 months when her brother was born. We were super close, she was such a mummy's girl and I worried and felt guilty about how we'd both adjust. But we did. she is a wonderful big sister and adored her brother from day one. I made sure I had quality time for her when he slept (used a sling when I needed to) and our bond is still wonderful. We are still super close and she is still a mummy's girl! She loved helping me when he was little and I involved her in as much as I could. I still do! It's so cute when she reads him books, or makes him a little bed on the floor and gets him his favourite soft toy. The look of joynon his face when she does it is priceless and I love the way they just cuddle each other sometimes.

I used to call him not my baby, but her baby. They still love each other so much now (most of the time!). Watching them play together and engage have been some of my best memories. The bond of both of them together has given me something I didn't have before, and has given my daughter something new and special too. She is thrilled that I'm now expecting a third! It's a difficult adjustment for you and it's natural that you're anxious. Just know you've done something wonderful for your family bringing another little soul into the mix and soon you won't be able to imagine things any other way.

 

[gingmg]

(((Big hugs!)))) I feel the same way and I was absolutely ready to be pregnant again. My son is 2yrs 3 months and I didn't expect to feel this way, but I do. I think it's normal. I know it will be great and I'm so excited for him to have a sibling but I know that means everything is going to change. I do realize though that in the end it will all be for the best and giving him a sibling is one of the greatest gifts I could give him, even if it's a bit of an adjustment for everyone at first.

 

[meg_bellamy]

I totally understand and reading these comments is making me feel better too! I read something that resonated with me - you're not taking anything away from your first born, you're giving them something - a sibling, an amazing gift. And you won't have to split your heart and love in two, your heart will just grow bigger

 

[LadyLovenox]

Thank you all so so much. I read and reread each of your replies and they all made me feel so much better. Not only about the situation but about knowing I'm not alone in feeling this way!! You're all so right...it IS a gift that I'll be giving him, and after an adjustment period, I'm sure he will be thankful for it. I just have this picture in my mind of his little eyes, looking at me, so sad and left out as I nurse baby#2 and cant tend to him like he's used to. Luckily I have 9 months to get used to this idea of forcing him to share me. My only problem is I have been sooo nauseous, so I already feel like I'm not giving him the usual attention and quality time. Ugh. I try to power through it and still be goofy and play tractors and chase him around, but being nauseous makes it hard. Also do any of you know how long we can carry our toddler into the pregnancy? He still likes to be carried a lot, and I still have been so far, but *tmi warning* sometimes when I pick him up, the strain of it makes me have a gush of discharge and I run to the toilet to make sure it's not blood. So much to think about!

 

[xdxxtx]

My first-born is still my best friend. He doesn't remember not "sharing" me because he had his first little sibling at 17 months old, but he does love getting new siblings and wants a huge family (I'm on #5 and DONE! lol) But I am still his favorite person, and I NEVER let him feel neglected.

My biggest tip in the world is to allow each of your children a minimum of 15 minutes per day to do whatever they want to do. If they want to bake cookies, you bake cookies with the child. If they want to play with Legos, it's Legos. If they want to put silly hats on and dance, that's what you do. My kids all have different interests and want to spend our time differently, but we all have a great time during our "one-on-one" time, and this is super important. In the early days, it might be easy because the baby just eats, sleeps (hopefully) and poops. After that, it gets more difficult. You've then got two kids with different needs and different interests. If you've done one-on-one time since your second baby was a baby, they will ask to join in on their sibling's time, but they'll know that it won't happen, and it will be okay. Actually, to combat this, I gave each of my kids a nap time that was 15 minutes or more after the others'. That way, I would announce it was quiet time, and I'd take the one who would have the earliest nap for their one-on-one time. Then, I'd put that child down for nap and do the next child's one-on-one. Then, I'd put them down for nap andget the next child's one-on-one going. It was easier with 3. Everything changed with 4, but since you're on your second, this might work perfectly for you!

Anyway, you'll be fine. It is wonderful, and I begged and begged for a little sibling and could never have one since my mother had to get her tubes tied after almost dying while pregnant with me, sooo I think all of these kids who are lucky enough to get little siblings are lucky enough.

 

[LadyLovenox]

I absolutely LOVE the one on one time idea. Totally using that. The best part I'd your post is hearing that your first born still sees you as his fav person. My son always prefers me and we have such a close bond and I dont want to lose that. Selfishly, I always want to be his favorite. Lol it kills me to think of losing that closeness.