Preschool anxieties and a very upset lo :-(

[MNORBURY]

My little girl started nursery/pre school at her sisters school last Monday. She is down for 5 mornings but I only intended to send her for 4 as I want a day with her before she starts full time.

She has been asking to go for months whenever we drop her sister off so I thought she'd be ok - I was wrong!

The first morning she went in ok - she was hesitant but not upset. When I collected her at lunchtime she burst into tears saying I want to go home.

Day 2 was pretty much the same scenario. They said she'd been upset on and off throughout the morning but they wouldn't leave her if she was inconsolable.

Wednesday morning she was very upset going into school saying she doesn't want to go as she misses me and was crying as they took her in .

It broke my heart.

Wednesday night she woke up several times throughout the night (that's not overly unusual) but she was crying saying I don't want to go to school, I want you mummy. I've been an emotional wreck all week and Thursday she was due her MMR booster so we took the decision to call it a day for this week and have kept her at home for the duration.

I'm a stay at home parent so it's definitely separation anxiety. They have a 'drop at the door' policy in place to cause minimal upset and disruption as they feel this works best.

I'm so anxious for Monday morning and have driven myself crazy wondering whether to persevere or keep her at home until she starts reception next year.

It worries me incase the other children form friendship groups and if she isn't there she won't. It also concerns me that when we're home she only really wants to play with Barbie type dolls (which is great as she has a fab imagination and makes up all sorts of scenarios) but she isn't really interested in doing much else. I have tried taking her to different groups but again she has little interest in them so I feel she isn't as stimulated as she should be.

I spoke to her teacher yesterday who insists they have seen progress within those 3 mornings as Monday she wasn't interested in anything and just kept shouting out (I didn't know that until yesterday) but by Wednesday she was engaging in the activities and opening up a little more (although she was still still getting upset at intervals throughout the morning). The teacher has said to stick with it and trust them that she will settle soon enough and really enjoy going.

Whenever I talk about going to school next week she says please don't let me go I don't want to . I don't think she dislikes it as she smiles when we talk about the fun things she's been doing - I purely think it's the whole separation anxiety.

I felt a little better as I asked the teacher how they deal with upset children and she reassured me they have plenty of cuddles and reassurance. She said Lyla was sat on her knee cuddling for a period of time last week which put my mind at ease a little.

I feel it would be selfish on my part to not give it a little longer but then I also don't know how much more upset and heartache regarding this I can deal with (I'm pretty soft when it comes to stuff like this)

I just want to scoop her up snuggle all day at home and play dolls

Any advice/experiences to ease my mind would be great

 

[cat_reversing]

They won't let you stay? That's a shame, I really don't agree with forcing little ones to be in school/nursery if they are anxious. If it was me, tbh, I'd insist that I be allowed to stay for a time for the well-being of my child. Or I'd find somewhere else that was more sympathetic to these feelings. We are social beings and there is nothing wrong with wanting the comfort of our parent when we are scared of a new situation with new people.
Some kids needs a bit longer to adjust to this big change, maybe she's just not ready. What about leaving it a month and then revisiting the idea, talking about it, going there but not going in to get her used to the place and the people?
What about shorter sessions for a few days? Say half an hour or an hour, then if lo knows you're coming back soon it might ease her feelings. Hopefully eventually she be so involved in what she's doing shell be happy to stay the whole session.
Only you can decide but I'd go with your gut feelings. If she's too upset, listen to her concerns. I find that nursery's attitude cold, where my lo is they let you stay as long as you need, they all settle eventually but without all the upset. And don't feel pressured by what others think, go with what's right for you and your lo!

 

[BunnyN]

I was wondering if a shorter time might work too. Will they let her stay for an hr and then you pick her up?

I think there is a balance. Its good for LOs to learn that the world doesnt end when mummy isnt there and that crying won't get them everything they want, and thats fine. On the other hand she is still very young and there is nothing wrong with her needing her mummy. Usually there is a gentle way of doing it that will cause minimal upset. If it is upsetting her sleep etc then maybe its just too much for her at the moment. I think you have to do what you feel is right and don't feel pressured into doing what others feel you should do. Different children respond in different ways and you know her best. You are not being selfish, you are just wanting the best for her.

I remember going to play school (there was no nursery where we lived so really it was a kind of a cross between play school and nursery). I hated it. I think a lot of that was because there was a boy there that was a bit wild and there wasnt enough adult supervision. I only went a few times. My mum did make sure I went on the day we visited the school. I instantly liked school and found it a very different experience. I was happy to go to my 1st full day of school and didn't cry. I think if my mum had made me go more to play school it would just have made it worse not better. My mum was a stay at home mum too and I had spent little time away from her before I started school. It didn't seem to hurt me at all .

 

[MNORBURY]

It's so difficult knowing what to do for the best. That is another concern I have if we persist then it may push her the opposite way and she actually deems school to be a negative place x

 

[Kanichen34]

I'd view it as she isn't going to be able to avoid in next year so better to start making the adjustment and friendship groups now. Almost a cruel to be kind scenario? Maybe you could compromise with her that she can go every other day or just 3 days next week or something, but explain that it is important that she goes. Ask the teacher what activities they will be doing the next day and really big those up any time she gets upset. 'Oh but today you are going to be doing playdoh/painting/playing in sand'. Also always be clear when you are picking her up, don't say later or anything, say mummy will pick you up after lunch or whenever so she knows specifically when you are coming. Would taking a comfort toy help?

I promise it is worth preserving. Admittedly my daughter has been in nursery since she was 1 but she loves it. Trying to get her to leave is the tricky bit!

 

[Quartz]

I have been there with my DD so I sympathise. Firstly I decided that it was easier to do it then and perserve as ultimately school was something she had to do and therefore she could not get the idea that she could pick and choose.

I went in with her and did a drawing and register and then left. She did shorter classes and gradually built up. She had a one to one worker who used egg timers so she knew how long she should spend at different activities and was made to try a different thing each time. They also created a visual timetable for her so she knew what activities she needed to do before I turned up and therefore started to understand that snack time was halfway through and story time was just before the end etc. All of this was done with close communication with the staff. She was purely separation anxiety (even now she does not like me going somewhere without her). But she is very happy at school.

Talk to them and come up with a plan. Its normal and a good preschool should have plans in place. Every year there is probably a couple. In DS class there is one and he did shorter sessions to settle.

That said crying can be normal - its how she is before she goes in and after that is important. 

 

[justmeinlove]

I don't think there's anything wrong with letting her stop if she wants to. That way she knows you will respond to her concerns - and in a years time, she will be a whole year older!! And she won't be the only new one and kids are good at making new friends. If she really doesn't want to go and you don't want her to - seems fine to me, just let her stay home until next year!

 

[d_b]

I'd stop sending her if that's what you both want.

 

[BunnyN]

If she was going to school in a month or twos time I'd agree with just sticking it out but seeing as its a year from now, that is a long time at her age and she might be fine about it in a year. If you want to keep trying she will likely settle in but there is no way of being sure how it will go except trying it. It might be that its just a lot of upset for you both which could be avoided all together by waiting until she is a bit older.

 

[familygirl30]

My little boys is 3 and we are on week 4 at pre sch he goes 2 morns a week, was going fine until this morning and he was so upset: ( they had to get him off me as was clinging to me and crying his eyes out, it broke my heart having to leave, but I know hanging around wil have made it worse for him!

 

[Midnight_Fairy]

I dont sent mine. She is 3yr 10mths.

I have no worries about her starting reception. As someone said is much different. One day at a time. No point causing distress xx