Question..MIL Rant...

[ReynoldsV]

So my hubby's parents got divorced a year and a half ago or so. It was tough on my mother in law to say the least. We helped her through it. We picked up the broken pieces, we mended her broken heart. She suffers from substance abuse and alcoholism. Its been a whirlwind of things.

Well she moved 6 hours away from us after we helped her for so long and said she would keep contact and everything. Our relationship was amazing! Most nights of the week we would have dinner together, we would talk for hours. The works. Well, now I am lucky if I hear from her every couple months. She said she wanted to be part of her grandbaby's life but hasn't even made an effort to ask how things are going. Once again leading to the substance abuse and alcoholism.

She has a new boyfriend who encourages her issues and does nothing to stimulate her to drop them. So that's a losing situation. He is apparently taking her to "live" in the Florida Keys. That is all the way across the country. My husband called her and talked to her and she told him that. Not even caring that her grand baby is due in two months. So I guess she will be MIA.

Sooo, that leads me to my main question. My husbands dad, actually left my mother in law for another woman. Because of her substance abuse and alcoholism and all that. Now, I didn't like his new lady because I felt like she knowingly wrecked my hubby's family even while his parents were married. Only to realize why. It was caused by my mother in law.

Lets just say I wasn't nice to my father-in-laws new lady friend the one time I saw her. I just didn't acknowledge her existence. I feel bad cause she didn't deserve it. I want my son to have a grandma. Even if its a step grandma. So hubby and I discussed inviting her to come along with his dad at Christmas time for babies birth. She was aware that we didn't like her, but I don't see sense in it now. I am certainly not replacing my mother in law, but if she doesn't make an effort to be around, I want my baby to have two grandmas besides my own mother. Someone who is with other grandpa.

What do you ladies think? Should I invite her or not? I am heartbroken that my mother in law has become distant, and I don't want to continue with the emptiness. Or have my baby not have some sort of ties with hubby's family...

 

[Princess Lou]

In all honesty it comes across to me that you are trying to replace your MIL with this woman.

However, if you are inviting FIL to be part of your child's life than the woman in his life should be too, they come as a package.

I am sorry that your MIL appears to have 'dropped' you though, especially after everything you guys did for her.

 

[zanDark]

You should definitely invite her. If you want to build a relationship with her for your LO then you might even make an effort to tell her that while you got off on the wrong foot you'd like to start over or something along those lines.

However, you should think about why you'd like to mend things now. Your FIL might have left your MIL to make a better life with her, but it's not really your place to judge her and not be nice to her especially if you value your relationship with your FIL

If your MIL weren't completely out of the picture, would you even give your step MIL the time of day?

 

[Cccbb61013]

My FIL is a jerk. He's not a substance abuser & he adores my son, but he is so selfish & it makes me sick. He's been that way my husband's entire life. He lives about an hour & 1/2 away & sees us about 3-4x a year, which is fine by me. So while my son knows that he is his grandfather & has a blast with him when he comes, my husband's step father is his grandfather. They are crazy about each other & we can count on him for anything. Never once has he acted like my son wasnt his blood. He is over the moon in love with my son. Children need constants. They need responsible, reliable adults in their lives. These unpredictable people can be part of their lives, but I don't want him getting overly attatched. & I'm hoping out of sight, out of mind will continue as it does now. I don't want my son hurt like my husband was. In any event, I would definitely try to have a relationship with this woman. And I would tell her everything you said here. Be honest. I absolutely adore my husband's step family. I couldn't ask for a better family to have married into.

 

[ReynoldsV]

Thanks for the responses ladies!

I am NOT replacing my MIL, as I still love her even with her struggle. I am simply accepting my FIL's new lady as part of the family. I did talk to her yesterday and mended things, it was great. I am sure she understands her boundaries and such. Not that there are really any.

The only reason my husband and I disliked her in the beginning was because we were only hearing things from my MIL's side and not my FIL's. The new lady started dating my FIL while he was still with my MIL so it created a bridge between all of us. We never even had the chance to talk to her or anything because my husband had NO desire, and being his wife, I would also distance myself. It was after all his side of the family.

My FIL and his lady have been together now for a year or so, and they live in Utah and I live in Oregon. So its like a 13+ hour drive to see us. So there wasn't much closeness. My husband and I sat down and just figured, that no matter what, we need to accept her (like anyone else) and let her be part of our family as she has done nothing to us. Especially since we finally heard my FIL's side of things.

Anyway, things went well when I talked to her and they will both try to make it for Christmas as my MIL is no where in site. I talked to my hubbys sis yesterday and she said she has barely heard from her mom. My hubbys sis just started college on Monday, and has never been away from her mom. Well, my MIL was quick to move on and leave her in the dust like me and my hubby.

I love my MIL dearly, she isn't one to pester or get in our business. But it just breaks my heart that she hasn't even made an attempt like she said she would to be part of our baby boys life. Or ours for that matter. Hubby and I were going to pay to have her come for Christmas, but it doesn't look like she will even care. Before she left she said she would move back in October to help me prepare and spend time with both of us. Hubby and I were looking forward to it. Even started preparing her guest room. Only to not have her even say hi to me for months! Its just hurtful I guess.

I will not be replacing her as I have a wonderful strong mother who is there for me always and every day, but I mostly hurt for my hubby. His family is already dysfunctional enough, and not ONE of them has asked him or wanted to be part of our baby's life. I know it hurts him, but he won't say anything.