Questions that may never be answered

[Vonne15]

When everything happened, I just numbed out and turned it off. I felt like I was outside of my body. I didn't want to believe it was happening. Here I am a month later and I feel like I'm taking my first breathe. My baby girl is dead. And I'm ashamed and angry with myself. I feel like my body betrayed me. I had one job to deliver a healthy baby girl and I couldn't do that right. I'm questioning everything I did from the moment I conceived to the moment I lost her. I feel like a part of me died with her, like half of me is missing. How did I mess this up? What did I do wrong? These are all the questions I've been asking myself that may never be answered.

 

[LDC]

Hi Vonne,

You most definitely didn't mess up and you didn't do anything wrong, I promise you. As mother's we always blame ourselves for the loss of our babies; It was our bodies that should have protected them and we didn't, why? Was it something we did? Something we ate? Did we do something that we didn't even realise might do something? Forget to take folic acid one day?

All of these questions went round my head when we lost our son. How could it happen and why did it happen? Everything just seemed so surreal and unfair. I need control in my life, and all of a sudden the rug had been pulled from under my feet and I didn't know how to walk. I felt like I was crawling through life, barely even registering my surroundings or being able to acknowledge anyone in my present. Like I was drunk but stone cold sober.

You're still so early from losing your darling baby girl, please be kind to yourself. You didn't do anything wrong, you are a strong woman and it is so clear from your post how much you love Zahrah.

Unfortunately, a lot of the time our answers come from postmortem; ours certainly gave us a lot of information and gave me the peace I needed, in the strangest way. It didn't make me feel like everything was OK, but I understood more, I had the reason as to what was wrong and that (as crap as it is) it was pure bad luck; my son was too pure for this earth and was needed elsewhere.

The road ahead is long and winding, just keep putting one foot ahead of the other, even on those darkest days. I promise you'll get there.

Xxxx

 

[Vonne15]

Thank you for responding to my post. I'm having a hard time functioning today. I sent my fiancé off so I could cry and self loathe in peace. I just want Zahrah But your words did comfort me a little bit. I'm so sorry about your baby boy. I'm in the stage of crawling through the life right now. I feel like I could stay in my bed forever if my fiancé wasn't home making me get up with him. (Even if I only go as far as the couch). I wish I had gotten the chance to hold her and tell her I loved her. I wish she had gotten to know my touch...

 

[sethsmummy]

Vonne i just want to hug you so hard I honestly cannot say anything better than ldc already has so i want to just pass on hugs and love.

everything is still so raw, please be kind to yourself. You definitely didnt do anything wrong and its so cruel that this has happened to you. I am glad your fiancee is there by your side to help you through all of this turmoil.

 

[sophxx]

So sorry for your loss I hope you get some answers.

 

[Boozlebub]

I'm so sorry for your loss. Please be kind to yourself and grieve as much and as long as you need too. X

 

[LDC]

Thank you for responding to my post. I'm having a hard time functioning today. I sent my fiancé off so I could cry and self loathe in peace. I just want Zahrah But your words did comfort me a little bit. I'm so sorry about your baby boy. I'm in the stage of crawling through the life right now. I feel like I could stay in my bed forever if my fiancé wasn't home making me get up with him. (Even if I only go as far as the couch). I wish I had gotten the chance to hold her and tell her I loved her. I wish she had gotten to know my touch...

You know what, crawling is good! There's a saying that I like "even if you fall flat on your face, you're still moving forward". You'll have a lot of days where you fall flat on your face, and some days/weeks where it feels like you're permanently on your face and that's ok too.

You've been through such a trauma that it's not going to be something that you get over and forget about. What I will say is that things become more manageable on a day to day basis, I just can't tell you when that will start. There will be a day when you get from the couch to the kitchen - and that will be a big step. For me it was getting dressed, brushing my hair and finally bothering to put any make up on.

Are you able to get some counselling? I had a bereavement midwife through the hospital and she was amazing. I just needed that person to talk to outside of my partner/family/friends where I could just say exactly how I felt without those close to me worrying that I was going insane.

Do you mind if I ask how far gone you were when you had your loss? Please don't feel that you have to answer.

There are also some really great charities out there who offer support, I've used a couple and they have also helped me massively and I've made a good friend in one of the ladies on there, we often text and see how each other is doing.

Xx

 

[Vonne15]

Thank you so much ladies.

 

[Vonne15]

Vonne i just want to hug you so hard I honestly cannot say anything better than ldc already has so i want to just pass on hugs and love.

everything is still so raw, please be kind to yourself. You definitely didnt do anything wrong and its so cruel that this has happened to you. I am glad your fiancee is there by your side to help you through all of this turmoil.

I just want to get out of the place of bouncing from denial to my chest hurting when I think about it.

 

[Vonne15]

Thank you for responding to my post. I'm having a hard time functioning today. I sent my fiancé off so I could cry and self loathe in peace. I just want Zahrah But your words did comfort me a little bit. I'm so sorry about your baby boy. I'm in the stage of crawling through the life right now. I feel like I could stay in my bed forever if my fiancé wasn't home making me get up with him. (Even if I only go as far as the couch). I wish I had gotten the chance to hold her and tell her I loved her. I wish she had gotten to know my touch...

You know what, crawling is good! There's a saying that I like "even if you fall flat on your face, you're still moving forward". You'll have a lot of days where you fall flat on your face, and some days/weeks where it feels like you're permanently on your face and that's ok too.

You've been through such a trauma that it's not going to be something that you get over and forget about. What I will say is that things become more manageable on a day to day basis, I just can't tell you when that will start. There will be a day when you get from the couch to the kitchen - and that will be a big step. For me it was getting dressed, brushing my hair and finally bothering to put any make up on.

Are you able to get some counselling? I had a bereavement midwife through the hospital and she was amazing. I just needed that person to talk to outside of my partner/family/friends where I could just say exactly how I felt without those close to me worrying that I was going insane.

Do you mind if I ask how far gone you were when you had your loss? Please don't feel that you have to answer.

There are also some really great charities out there who offer support, I've used a couple and they have also helped me massively and I've made a good friend in one of the ladies on there, we often text and see how each other is doing.

Xx

I was 22 weeks. I have a therapist, I just haven't been to see her yet. I'll look into the charities you mentioned. Any suggestions?

 

[Uni tsi]

Let all the tears come and feel all the feels. It's a hard thing to process this much emotion, and sometimes I think denial is our friend because it lets us feel it in spurts because all at once would be too crushing. But know that it is not your fault and you did NOT do anything wrong.

 

[LDC]

We were very close in the ages of our losses, I had ds at 21+5 and it is just heartbreaking.

Sands has been particularly good for me, and aching arms. There will definitely be something very similar that you can access and I would really encourage you to. It was overwhelming for me how often this happens but Comforting to know I wasn't the only one and to also hear the stories of ladies at different stages in their journey. I needed to know that there was a light at the end of the pitch black tunnel and some of the ladies gave me that glimmer of hope...even if it seemed like a tiny pin pick of light xxxxc