Rant about SIL...Tell me what you think...

[Charlie_x]

Im the same as your SIL infact it would really upset me if people went against my wishes all i want after i've had my baby is to have a few days first just me and my baby bonding with daddy and its other siblings - i dont think shes doing it to be nasty if its everyone she doesnt want around the 3 weeks and not just you i dont see the problem with it personaly i understand where your coming from i do but it's her baby her choice at the end of the day as nasty as it sounds unless you can get her to change her mind you have to wait those 3 weeks (altho i didnt make mine wait 3 weeks thats just stupid long!)

 

[Cheshirista]

I've told OH I'm having the same rules - no visitors until I say so. It might be an hour after, it might be a week after, but until we've had a chance to bond with our baby and rest and recover, everyone else can do one, quite frankly.

 

[sandilion]

Yeah i do also feel that people need to respect her wishes, this isn't about everyone else she wants time with her baby, so be it. I don't think it's fair she is being looked down on for needing more time than what some other mothers need, we're all different....

I personally think you should just let it go. I would be furious if my SIL argued with me over this sort of thing as it's not up to her. I also agree the more you fight this with her the more stubborn she will get and it will only make for an awkward time once her baby comes. Also she probably doesn't deserve the stress of people telling her off because she has certain ideas of what she needs to do. I think her and the father bonding with the baby is the most important thing.

 

[erikab922]

Definitely agree with Cheshirista and sandilion - I'd be furious if someone was having a go about wanting to spend time with MY baby when I wasn't comfortable with it, for whatever reason. Yes the baby is family but it's not your child. Plus she's being hormonal and protective which is totally normal. She may completely change her mind once birth is over with and then I'd feel like a right jerk for having made such a big deal out of it and bothering a pregnant lady. I don't mean this message to sound like I'm having a go at you, either!

 

[ifoundmysoul]

i can undrstand why your upset and its not what id do but it is her decistion to make an people should respect that. you never know she may change her mind closer to the time

 

[Button#]

I think the issue is if your SIL was posting that she wanted a couple of weeks to spend with her baby alone and family were pressuring her to see the baby sooner we'd all be telling her to stand her ground, it's her baby not theirs and she was the one who carried the baby for 9 months and should get to make decisions that work for her new family.

As for when your baby is born I am sure you will make your own decisions and may well make your plans based on how you felt about this issue but I think you need to respect your SIL's wishes and remember everyone is different.

 

[keepontrying]

You are entitled to your opinion but i dont think yoru entitled to air it to be honest - this is her body her baby and her choice.

I appreciate where she is coming form because im thinking the same way. I want the first days / week to just be me baby and OH, i want baby to bond with us not be passed around like a new toy. I appreciate that every one wants to meet him but I also want our space and time to recover and sette down into a little family routine before teh enslaught of people through the door, i want to be more mobile, i want to look better feel better and i want my baby to know thats its mum and dad holding him as opposed to every tom dick and harry.

Bottom line is your feelings are hurt but you do not have a right to question her choice because you are putting everyone elses feelings above her own.

 

[Hooblet]

I can see where your SIL is coming from... In the end it may not be three weeks, it seems like she's just trying to say that she'd like some time to bond with the baby until she feels ready to see people, which is fair enough. She's not signing a written contract, she's just saying she'll do things when she feels ready. It may end up being 2 days, I'm sure she really doesn't know how she'll actually feel when baby is born.

If she's worried about people coming to visit and perhaps not respecting her wishes in terms of her routine, bonding time, feeding etc, then people arguing with her over when they're entitled to first see the baby won't help. If I were you I would just try and be as supportive as you can, and be a sort of understanding, calm influence - that way she'll feel up to having you over sooner I would think. If she feels like you're not on good terms, and you've already been critical of her decisions, then she'll probably hold you at arms length for longer.

I know from personal experience (not baby related though!) that in terms of families you really can't ever please everyone - so you might just as well do the thing that's going to make you feel the most happy and comfortable, because no matter what you do someone will think you should have done it differently.

At the end of the day there's nothing you can do in any case - it's her baby and her decision - so however you feel is it worth having a falling out over? I know that you feel strongly on this point, but really your opinions can only influence how you choose to behave, and I think all of us preggers ladies hope that people will respect the decisions we make when it comes to our birth and baby plans!

 

[mrsthomas623]

I am with your SIL, I am allowing a quick visit at the hospital and then no visitors for 2 weeks. Most people who do this, probably have families who overstep boundaries and know they need to put their foot down. Realistically, I probably won't wait the whole 2 weeks, but at least I have it if I need it.

 

[happy4three]

My SIL was like this. Before the baby came she was telling everything they had to schedule their time for a meet and greet with the baby. Of course, my family was offended.... (you really just have to know her)... I wasn't as offened because I live far away and wouldn't be able to get there for a couple months anyway. OUr case is a little different, because it seemed to be our side of the family only that these instructions were given. And, I'm not sure if it is the fact that no one scheduled time to come visit, or if when the beby came they just wanted to share her with everyone, but they were asking everyone to come visit. Maybe your SIL will change her mind once the little one is here.

 

[RaspberryB]

It does sound like 3 weeks is a bit over the top but maybe she just wants to make sure she isn't rushed into it. I'd just be nice for now, she may find that 3 weeks feels like a lifetime and she is crawling the walls to get out or have some visitors by that point! I'd send her a message and say it is no problem and to take all the time she needs but if she'd like someone to watch baby so she can have a shower or to just to come round and do some hoovering/washing up for her, you are very happy to come alone and wash hands etc to avoid germs. That way, you might be able to sneak in and see your niece early .

 

[beanzz]

This is a bit OTT but at the end of the day it's her baby and she's the one going through labour so she does get to say when she wants visitors. Just like you have the right to do the same. It might come to the day when she gives birth and she might change her mind and want everyone to come see the baby and show her off. You just don't know until it comes and i wouldn't stress over it really, you'll get to meet your neice even if you have to wait 3 weeks it'll be a 3 weeks worth waiting for wont it

 

[avellana]

I think you're right, she seems selfish. I agree with not wanting sick (or unvaccinated) kids near, but with proper care and limiting visits to family (with which you can say "I'm tired, please leave" without hurting their feelings too bad) it seems selfish to want to keep the baby all to yourself. But I don't think it's worth fighting over... it *is* her decision.

 

[green22]

I've been reading this post with interest as I just know my sister is going to kick off when I tell her when the family can visit etc so its really useful to see everyones point of view. I'd normally just give in to her but as she and my hubby don't get on at all (loooong story, mainly due to her kicking off as we wouldn't let her come to the 20 week scan) and it's his decision too, i'm determined not to this time.

I know she's going to kick off about not being able to come over whilst he's off and we have some time to bond with baby etc and I'm dreading it but I'm going to stick to my decision. Like a lot of posters have mentioned, it really is up to her and each to their own and sometimes we all need to learn to not voice our opinions, regardless of how 'wrong' we believe the other person to be.

She should not be made to feel bad about choices she is making with regards to her family and her child. I'm sure you don't want to upset her so I think wishes need to be respected and when they're ready, you'll get to meet her : -) It really is tough but hey, thats family for you. Lol x

 

[Kage76]

personally I wish people DID stay away for weeks. Especially the ones who just wanted to meet the baby and be social. Those visits just exhausted me. Maybe if you offered to come round to help out around the house (ie look after her while she looked after the baby - cook some dinner- put some washing on) she might be more receptive. But i totally can see her point.

 

[maythisbelove]

Father of the baby is not around, she doesn't have a lot of support around here and she lives with her mother as hubs and her just split. Mom can't be in the hospital/home 24/7. I apologized for not understanding but I won't apologize for being upset.

Each person has their own opinions on this subject. But in my personal experience, I loved having my family around. They respected my wishes when I asked them not to show up a certain day/ to leave, washed their hands, etc. The baby is born and I get the bonding time but she is also part of a FAMILY. To deprive the family of meeting this special person in the first weeks of live just boggles my mind.

Again, thank you for all your posts and advice. I really appreciate it.

 

[green22]

I do understand kind of where you are coming from but everyone is different. I wouldn't say the family are being 'deprived' as they will have a lifetime with LO. I understand everyone will be excited and want to meet the new arrival but in the grand scheme of things, it's no biggie for her to want her wishes respected.

 

[keepontrying]

I apologized for not understanding but I won't apologize for being upset.

I think you should seriously think about apologising to her and for upsetting her and feeling like you had the right to express YOUR opinion.

You dont have to justify your feelings to yourself but bottom line yo have upset a pregnant woman who has expressed her specific wishes around teh birth of her child.

 

[kiwi]

I think you are being a little unreasonable. From the sounds of things, if you are liable to have disagreements such as this, over something that shouldnt even really be a negotiable point (it's her decision) then it is not all that surprising she wants to have a bit of downtime bonding with her new baby.

I hope you can both get past it, but it is not worth falling out over. And seeing the baby and 2 or 3 weeks old will be equally as special...

 

[victorial8]

I think she may change her mind. My friend felt like this before her twins arrived but as soon as they were here she was disappointed if people didnt come and visit as she just wanted to show the twins off x x x