Rant alert - not enough sex to make a baby :(

[Laura27]

Hi ladies....i'm just posting a massive rant because i'm so frustrated right now!! DH and I agreed to start trying last month...which was great! However, at the moment we're rarely having sex, probably once every couple of weeks at a push. I tried instigating it more, but DH then decided I was putting "too much pressure" on him, so basically shot me down! So then I decided I would just gently instigate it around the time I was getting a positive OPK...well we had one opportunity last month after a positive and we had sex but DH didnt 'finish'. I got really upset and told him we only have a few days per month where its possible to catch the egg....he acted like i'd completely made this up, and basically he was under the impression that sex at anytime could result in a pregnancy! So he agreed to put more effort in....which didnt happen I snapped a few nights ago after bringing it up again and him saying something like "we did it last week" like he was doing me a favour! He confessed that he doesnt feel like having sex much at the moment, and came up with various excuses which changed everytime we went over it. So we havent spoken for a couple of days until about an hour ago....he said he doesnt want to fight, and that he just doesnt need as much sex as me? He wants baby making to be fun and to just happens when it happens, but cant understand that having sex a couple of times a month just isnt going to work!! He's now gone away for the weekend and I had positive OPK's yesterday so no chance for me this month. Sorry for the rant, I just feel so down, and I feel like this should be so much easier than it is.... Is anyone else in the same boat?

 

[Laura27]

I forgot to mention, DH has a child from a bad relationship before so has never really had the excitement like me, about having a baby together...and now i'm worrying that he's going out of his way to postpone it as long as possible

 

[cookette]

Do you chart your temps? If the BD'ing is limited, temping and OPK's will help you time. I would do both...I undestand your frustrations, but I know for my husband personally the less he knew, the better it was going to be. I never discussed when I was O'ing, never put pressure on him of OMG YOU HAVE TO FINISH OR ITS ALL YOUR FAULT, etc.

Not saying you are saying that, but sounds like he is feeling pressured and most men dont respond well to that. Mine would shut down completely. I'd quit talking about it, temp and OPK, seduce him without any explanation, etc.

 

[Laura27]

Thanks cookette. If it would get me anywhere seducing him then I would...but since we agreed to start trying, he's decided that every time I instigate it (whether around O or not) that i'm just using him for one thing!! It's so hard to not get frustrated at him, even though i'm shooting myself in the foot (I could have BD'd before he went away for the weekend if I hadnt kicked off about it!) because before we got married we'd had conversations about babies and he told me he just wants to do it properly this time, get married etc. I said that was fine, but I stressed how important it was to me to have children and that I was going to be excited as it will be my first. We agreed to start TTC after the wedding then he pushed that back, and now we're actually trying he's acting like he doesnt want me anywhere near him. Im thinking of stopping OPKs so that im not obsessed with actual dates but I just worry that its going to take years at this rate

 

[fuschia]

Like cookette just said- if you can only do it once around ov time because hes not up for more then try and time it day before ov!

Has he got a weakness? You know something he just can't resist? Could u dress up and surprise him?

That works for my hubby but obv all the male creatures are different!

I understand your frustration x at one point my hubby had performance anxiety and couldn't finish and it's so frustrating when you know its 'the time'x

 

[purplecupcake]

I agree with PP. If his sex drive is to where he wants it once every couple of weeks, then it is what it is. There's really not much you can do about it, as you found out when you tried talking to him about it which made him feel pressured.

Something similar happened to me and my husband. He felt very pressured, and I found myself disappointed and blaming him. So I decided to stop trying. I still charted and used OPKs, but I let him decide when we'd BD. And lo and behold, we had sex ONE TIME on NYE, I ovulated FOUR days later, and I'm pregnant.

It's only been one month. It might benefit you and your marriage to just make peace with the fact that it might take a few months, and that's ok! It takes most couples around 6 months anyways. Relax, have fun with it. You'll have plenty of time to stress about stuff later

 

[Laura27]

fuschia - that's what I did last month and didnt mention anything about it being O, but I read so many posts from other people about how they DTD every day leading up to O, on O day and then for a few days afterwards...i'm jealous of these women for having OH's who are on board!! I feel like i'm asking hubby to do me a favour!

Not really done the whole dressing up thing, I think he would just laugh at me!! His comment today about not needing as much sex as me really hurt...we used to be all over eachother.

I feel like im in a catch 22 situation, DH knows im aware of when my open window is, and hes probably watching for signs of me trying it on....but then I think why shouldnt I?! We agreed to try for a baby and theres one crucial thing we need to do in order to make one!!

 

[Laura27]

Thanks purplecupcake....what you're saying is completely right but i'm welling up just reading it because i'm so annoyed that he pushed it back already and now doesnt seem to want to put any effort in even though I agreed to hold off for a few months when he asked me to

 

[fuschia]

Hmmm laura I feel for you.

Could u start trying it on all the time? ! So there's no way he could think it's cos of ov?

That idea sounds hard work to me however!

Maybe it will take him a little longer to get into ttc- meanwhile you can only do your best

Xxx

 

[Laura27]

I think he would find that annoying as we both have busy jobs and are tired in the evenings....and both up early in the morning!! I can imagine him rolling his eyes already if i was grabbing him at every opportunity!!

 

[fuschia]

Yeah... as I was typing it I was thinking how in practical! I couldn't manage that for 1!!

Try to stay positive x

 

[purplecupcake]

I think he would find that annoying as we both have busy jobs and are tired in the evenings....and both up early in the morning!! I can imagine him rolling his eyes already if i was grabbing him at every opportunity!!

That's how we are. We have somewhat different schedules, he gets up earlier and I work later, so once we're both home we just want to snuggle and watch a movie! And then on weekends we want to sleep in and be lazy, haha.

So he asked you to hold off for a few months....do you think he might possibly have some other reservations about this? Maybe he's not sure he feels ready? Maybe he's worried about having the financial and emotional capacity for a baby? My husband personally was worried about me becoming super emotional/hormonal, because our first year of marriage I was a little crazy and we fought all the time. Maybe there's more to the story, you know?

Hang in there. It will happen! Maybe try doing some nice things for him that don't include sex, just to make him feel loved and special. There's this whole bullshit stereotype about men always wanting sex and separating it from love blah blah blah, but honestly, I think when TTC men can seriously feel like they are just a sperm donor. Continue to put your marriage first, and baby will follow!

Oh, do you use fertility friend or any other charting app? Skip forward a few months and see if there are any fertile windows around holidays, birthdays, vacations, etc... Use it to your advantage! If you have a fertile weekend in a month or two, plan a little weekend getaway. It's far enough in the future where he won't feel like you're up to something, and sometimes a change of scenery and a little get-away time can do a lot to rekindle a spark.

 

[Laura27]

Thank you, I feel better already just talking about it!

purplecupcake - yes he pushed it back as we're doing up our house and staying with my parents in the meantime, he wants everything to be in place which is fair enough...I guess I just expected him to be more forthcoming (excuse the pun!) now that we've decided to give it a go again.

I have definitely let this take over and I can understand why its put him off but I have issues with everything being on his terms....I get really uncontrollably sulky, and cant 'snap out of it' which im told to do! Basically I have issues with him admitting he wont be as excited as its not his first, then on top of that having to delay it because we're doing up a house which was his decision and not mine....it's like i'm expected to support every decision he makes even though it affects what I want, if that makes sense?! It's hard to explain without sounding really childish...I just feel short-changed sometimes because I chose to marry someone who already has a child and my sulky nature means I probably dont concentrate on my marriage as much as I should! This whole TTC thing really plays with our emotions hey?

 

[Laura27]

p.s. the last couple of months my cycle seems to be all over the place so I can't predict O until I get a positive OPK! My last period was 17th Jan...O'd 2 weeks later, had cramps 2 weeks after that so expected AF which didnt arrive, got another OPK day after, then again yesterday!! So 3 positive OPKs since last AF....which I dont even think is possible!!

 

[DD80]

Would he be willing to have his testosterone checked? Has his drive always been this way? Just wondering...

Also, would he like it if you got a book you both could read regarding conception? Perhaps he could benefit from some information? I get the pressure thing, but once/month isn't normal. My sex drive has been bad, but I'm well aware that it isn't normal and have tried things to increase it.

 

[Laura27]

Hi DD80 - no it hasnt always been like this, its naturally decreased as our relationship has gone on but it's really only been bad since we got married which coincides with moving to my parents temporarily, so I know it is probably a lot to do with that, still frustrating though! We used to be so all over eachother we'd be doing it all over the place...I miss those days!! I fell pregnant back in 2011 and it didnt even take any effort

I think a book would be seen as 'pressure' to him which I think I need to avoid from now on. He thinks we should just have sex and wait for it to happen....no planning, awareness of fertile days etc. It seems to really freak him out and he clams up!

 

[MellyH]

So, my advice is to step back and let him instigate it - the thing is, your body is going to be putting out all sorts of 'I'm sexy! Have sex with me!' pheromones around ovulation, and so if he's only interested every couple of weeks, I bet that in the days leading up to ovulation is one of those times

 

[DD80]

Hi DD80 - no it hasnt always been like this, its naturally decreased as our relationship has gone on but it's really only been bad since we got married which coincides with moving to my parents temporarily, so I know it is probably a lot to do with that, still frustrating though! We used to be so all over eachother we'd be doing it all over the place...I miss those days!! I fell pregnant back in 2011 and it didnt even take any effort

I think a book would be seen as 'pressure' to him which I think I need to avoid from now on. He thinks we should just have sex and wait for it to happen....no planning, awareness of fertile days etc. It seems to really freak him out and he clams up!

Would he go to a dr for a testosterone check? They have creams they can prescribe that make it easy to get his levels back up.

 

[Laura27]

MellyH that made me laugh!! I'll have to get extra close to him so he can pick up on the pheromones!! Is there a pheromone spray I can cover myself in as well!?

DD80 no I dont think he would be up for that at all...he's not admitting to having a low sex drive apart from it being less than mine really. Plus he has a child already and we've fallen pregnant together so it's not like there's a problem conceiving. He would see any suggestion of docs as me suggesting he's having problems!!

 

[MellyH]

You joke but I bet there is actually a pheromone spray you could use.

If you sleep in the same bed you're close enough for pheromones!