Reaching out

[HealinginVA]

Hi everyone! This is my first time ever sharing my story on a message board, but today I decided I really need to try something new to be able to get this off my chest and try to move on with my life.

Back in December I decided to get an IUD because my husband and I decided that we weren't ready to get pregnant. A few months later I started to experience a different type of breast pain than I had ever felt before, and a few other symptoms. I wrote them off as side effects of the IUD. They kept on getting worse and a few weeks later I took several pregnancy tests, and they were positive. We made a dr appt for the following Monday and spent the weekend cycling between excitement (mostly on my husbands part) and complete panic.

We went to the appt, their pregnancy test also came back positive. They did an ultrasound and said I was probably 7 weeks along, but that there was no heartbeat and that it was likely a miscarriage. Went back for another checkup a week later, and it was confirmed. Because the IUD had to be removed, we decided to have a D and C procedure done a few days later.

To add to the medical freak that I am, I lost a ton of blood during the D and C and had to be hospitalized. I had to be put on oxygen, and a lot of pain killers. I couldn't walk for several days and had to take iron supplements and will continue to take vitamins indefinitely to make sure I don't get anemia again.

I've healed well physically- starting to get my cycle back, etc. but mentally and emotionally I'm still having a hard time. It's been about two months since this happened. I've talked to my girlfriends, my husband, my mom and sisters. They've all been incredibly supportive.

I know my hormones are probably still not normal.. some days just feel really sad and hard to get through. Today is one of those days. Unable to get off the couch, crying while I try to get dressed to go to work, crying when I get home from work. My hubby works 24 hrs shifts and I'm alone. It's hard.

I was a very active person, training at the gym 4 days a week, vegetarian diet, going after my goals in life and feeling good about it. Then this happened and it feels like it just pulled the carpet out from under me and I don't know how to get back. I'm trying to be patient with myself and practice self care. It's the mornings like today when I feel like I can't peel myself off the couch to live my life, and I compare that to the drive I used to feel before my miscarriage.

I saved the pregnancy tests until this week, and I finally threw them out. I know I'm grieving for somebody who never was in this world, but it's still so hard. Now I know we want a baby, but I'm so incredibly terrified of the prospect of being pregnant again.

I'm struggling with who to tell, who not to tell. How to tell them? How to get back to my 'normal' self? Am I more depressed than I thought? Is this normal grief? Am I too hard on myself too soon?

Thanks for letting me vent. Sending you all love xo

 

[tcinks]

Ugh. I'm so sorry for all you've been through. I don't know what to say, except that you're not alone. I've found so much support here through my 3 miscarriages. It's hard and painful and can feel so lonely. It's great that you're getting support from family! Give yourself time to heal. I know you want to get back to your normal self, but sometimes it just isn't that easy. Don't be hard on yourself.

 

[HealinginVA]

Thanks so much for your support it means a lot to me. Hugs.

 

[annio84]

I’m sorry for your loss.

I just wanted to remind you to be kind to yourself, just because you never got to hold your baby, or know who they would have been it doesn’t take away from your loss. I found the term miscarriage didn’t sit well with me because what happened from my point of view was my baby died. It’s ok not to be ok when that happens and it’s ok to ask for support if you need it. I was given a leaflet for midwife led counselling which I never took up but am in the process of accessing general counselling because more than a year later and with my rainbow with me I’m still not ok.

Tell whoever you want - I tell lots of people, even relative strangers if it comes up. It is difficult because so many couples keep a pregnancy to themselves until 12 weeks and it can be hard to come out with ‘I had a miscarriage’ to someone who didn’t know you were pregnant it sounds like you’ve told the most important people though and I hope they’ll continue to be supportive plus the ladies on here are very supportive too.