Really struggling.............warning long

[Happy]

I haven't posted on here in a while as so much has been going on. Back in August I posted my husband and I had separted due to him having bi polar - he turned out to be faking this and at the beginning of September I found out he had been having an affair with a 21 year old (he is 42) since we came back from our honeymoon in May this year.

My whole world fell apart we had only just got married and I trusted him with out any shred of doubt, he left the family home and moved away to live with this girl who is unemployed and has no intention whatsoever of getting a job, basically she is using my husband as a meal ticket. He pays for all her nights out, clothes etc .

During these 14 weeks we have been fairly amicable, he pays maintenence for Phoebe which I had drawn up by a solicitor in a financial agreement. We have conversations on the phone and in person like nothing has happened and we are still husband and wife, around 4 weeks ago he tried to come back and spent a week wooing me, moved this girl out and said we would be a family again. A few days later he changed his mind and moved her back in. She has been there ever since with still no job, does not get out of bed until 2pm every day and has no idea my husband comes to see Phoebe as she hates us.

We have an agrangement where he comes every Friday and spends the day at mine playing with Phoebe, however I do know he comes to see me more than he does her. Stupidly I end up back in text and phone conversations listening to him tell me how much he loves me etc and she is not going to last much longer. As much as I know I am being treated badly I cannot let go of him, if I was reading this I would be telling the poster to get shot of him but we had a really close relationship and I cannot help but love him.

Stupidly he has stayed around here a few nights - nothing has happened but we sit and talk just like old times which at the time I love but the following day regret sets in because I fell like im setting myself up for a fall again which I usually am.

We have been getting on well in the last few days, I have considered taking him back but wonder if it will ever work, last night she found out here was here last week and got a taxi at 2am and left telling him to go back to me. Again I was stupid and thought this was finally it she was gone and we could maybe try and fix this mess. By 5am she was back again promising to get a job etc etc.

I text him and told him if she stays today that is it for us and I will walk away, he keeps telling me he is going to sort it but I know he wont. I told him I am now sick of being hurt, we are 4 months down the line and I just cant see this ever getting any better. I just dont know how to let go, we had such an intense relationship and were so close the thought of not speaking to him or getting a text from him kills me.

AT the start of all this he was useless with contact with Phoebe but has stepped up to the mark, I want them to have a relationship but the thought of being stuck like this for the next 16 years fills me with dread. I want to move on but part of me doesnt and I dont even know if I can or want to.

I am starting counselling next week to try and get through this, emotionally I am fine I have thrown myself into work and Phoebe and I am not the wreck I was at the start of all this however why cant I let go of him?

We cant divorce until March next year which will be our one year anniversary - UK law says we have to be married a year before divorcing but TBH I dont want a divorce.

I just have no idea what to do anymore, there is loads more to this but I am rambling.

 

[Laura2919]

Firstly sounds like you need them..

Do you really need to ask whether it would work? Do you think that every time he isnt around you you wouldnt be wondering what he is doing, where he is, who he is with.
You were married for what? a matter of weeks and he did that.

I've said before in other posts no matter how painful sometimes we cant let go.. Its hard, he is your safe place, the person you married and wanted to spend the rest of your life with.. Until that day you found out you didnt think that it would be different, that takes time.. It will heal and you will move on.

FOB wont let go of this situation when he thinks he has you both where he wants you.. He has you the mother of his child, his wife, the woman who loves him. Then he has her, 21, no ties, party girl, feels like he is needed because she needs him for his wallet. He feels like he is important in her life because she depends on him...

The one thing you need to remember is you have his daughter and she comes first. Would it be fair for her to grow up with you being unhappy because you cant trust him. You might be unhappy now but it wont be for long..

At the moment he knows that when he needs you he will call you and you will let him in.. Tell him its not happening anymore, your officially finished and he had his chance. He made his bed now he can lay in it.... With her... Because one day the tide will change and he wont know what hit him... You just gotta take your time, make sure your doing the best for you and your LO, it might seem hard right now but it will get easier..

 

[Mally01]

I agree with Laura. He is just not letting go of the situation and this speaks volumes. I'm a cynical creature at my age but I really, truly have learnt that with men their 'words' mean complete diddly squat unless the actions follow through.

There are lots of people out there including most of us ladies on this board that if we 'say' we love someone and will be there for them/ leave someone else for them/ move house for them etc, then that is EXACTLY what we would do. How on earth can he say he loves you and wants to be with you and then in the same breath be living apart from you, with her and not end things with her at all, it's ridiculous and this aspect of it all is what you must not lose sight of. He went off with a 21yr old and set up home with her, abandoning you and your child. He is unreliable and untrustworthy.

This is not the way to show someone you love them. It's going to hurt and you will be in pain but it is unforgivable for him to have done what he has done to you and that is the bottom line. He will not appreciate you nor take any action to improve whilst you accomodate his needs. If I were you, I would let him see his child but spell it out to him that there will no conversations about 'us' and there is no 'us' anymore. You need to be cold and direct with him to even try and shake him up a little bit to see sense. If I were in your shoes though, the damage has been too great to be undone and I would make myself prepare for a life with out him as my partner.

 

[Happy]

I'm off to counseling tomorrow, it will be my first session so im not sure what to expect.

Today I hit the end of the road through one thing and another, someone at work asked my collegue who is a very close friend if it was true OH and I had split up, in a round about way she said yes to which they replied they would never have known and cant believe how strong I have been. This finished me off and I have completly broken down, I have been living as a third person in their relationship for the past 4 months probably becoming obsessed with the whole thing.

To make matters a whole lot worse he has moved her out and now thinks we are getting back together, I did lead him to believe this and up until this afternoon I would have considered it. Now I dont know what to do, I have left him a VM telling him I cant do it and its not right for us but I now get the feeling he is going to bombared me and go mad because I pushed for him to move her out.

I never thought in a million years I would end up in a situation like this.

 

[Laura2919]

It sounds like its really getting you down. You dont have to be strong and hold it together. If you do that all the time you will never get over the whole thing..

You need to let the pain out, if its a cry then cry, if its a scream then scream! The more you keep it in the worse it gets.

Only you can decide what is best for you but if being on your own is worth it in the end keep going.

FOB and I are finished, for good. Something I know and so does he... Its hard sometimes cos its mourning a loss of some kind but at the same time I wanna see whats out there for me..