Really weird question - is my son girly??

[New Mrs W]

My oldest boy was 4 in September. He has always been a very gentle, loving little boy and we have lavished him with time and attention. As a toddler he wasn't what you would call timid but he wasn't keen on joining in with children he didn't know very well and if another child took something from him he wouldn't ever put up a fight or try to get it back. It's just not his nature. I have always been proud of how peaceful and gentle he is. Obviously, he has grown older and he attends a preschool every morning. He plays happily alongside other children and if we go somewhere like a playgym he will happily play with children he has never met before. He is quite bossy and likes to play games his way, I'm sure this is all quite normal. He doesn't like to play with children at preschool who are 'naughty'. If a child hits or is mean, Frankie will not take to them. I know that children with older brothers and sisters often have a streak in their behaviour that an oldest child doesn't have, simply because they have learnt it from their older sibling - I can already see this in my youngest son. He enjoys playing 'real life' games. He has always loved the home corner and at home he loves to play cafes and shops. He can be boistrous and loves to wrestle with his daddy but is perfectly happy playing quiet, calm games too. He has always loved singing, in fact he was singing tunes without words before he could talk. When he plays with his toys he often sings the story that he is acting out. We took him to music class from being a tiny baby and he always loved it. Lately (since December) he has started to do a lot of dancing at home too. He pretty much dances from place to place rather than walk. Some of his dancing is very girly! He often stands with his hands on his hips and kicks his legs in front of him. Sometimes he almost looks like Louis Spence!!! We all giggle when he does it which obviously provokes him to do it even more. But over these last few days I have been wondering if this will cause him problems when he starts school in September. He does seem to prefer to play with girls (because the girls at preschool are generally better behaved than boys) which is fine but I do worry that he will just make girl friends. I worry that he won't ever really be part of a friendship group if he only makes girl friends because he will naturally be an outsider in such a group. I am worried that he is too girly. All of his toys are pirates and cars and things like that and he does love all of his toys and if he sees things like princesses and Barbies he will say he never wants those toys because they are for girls. I don't know what I'm asking really. I think it is just the weird dancing that he seems to love doing. People who have seen him laugh and say he will be the next Billy Elliott and we laugh along but I do worry that maybe it's not normal behaviour. He is my oldest so I have nothing to compare him to. Does this sound familiar to anyone else? He's not an in-you-face out-and-out boistrous boy but does that matter? Is this just all part of his development?

 

[pa2k84]

What you have written describes my eldest. He started school in September and it had not really changed him, still favours playing with girls but it is because he is not into play fighting which most of the boys tend to do. He is friends with most in his class just his best friends are girls! Mums love him!

 

[Boo44]

I'm not really sure what to say to this! Who are we to decide what is boyish and what is girly? That's what is brilliant about young children, they don't have to conform to these social 'norms', they get to prance about dancing freely when they fancy it, and get to roll around with daddy whenever they like. They don't have to worry about behaving how people think they should. Sounds to me like your son is perfectly well-rounded. You already said you are proud of how gentle and kind he is, so I wouldn't wonder about whether he should be tougher. Unfortunately there's plenty of time for our children to experience the pressure of conformity xx

 

[New Mrs W]

The only problem is that I am a primary school teacher and whilst I would love to say, 'Don't conform!! Do whatever you want, be whatever you want!' I have seen too many times examples of children who don't 'fit' and therefore don't have many friends or who are not happy because no one else seems to want to do whatever they want to do. I don't want him to be a fighter but equally I don't want him to be laughed at or shunned for not fitting in. I know not all boys are into play fighting etc but unfortunately I am a mummy who worries to excess about everything xx

 

[Boo44]

The only problem is that I am a primary school teacher and whilst I would love to say, 'Don't conform!! Do whatever you want, be whatever you want!' I have seen too many times examples of children who don't 'fit' and therefore don't have many friends or who are not happy because no one else seems to want to do whatever they want to do. I don't want him to be a fighter but equally I don't want him to be laughed at or shunned for not fitting in. I know not all boys are into play fighting etc but unfortunately I am a mummy who worries to excess about everything xx

Oh me too I worry a lot about things as well x

 

[aimee-lou]

Let me tell you something.

My husband - is an 'alpha-male' type character. He is a 6ft2, broad and athletic. He goes SCUBA Diving, plays Ice Hockey as a defence man and is definitely what you would describe as 'manly' lol (even with long dark ringlets and more hair product than me! lol).

Growing up he was often picked on for being friends with girls, always being around the girls. His Mum worried about him as his favourite colour was pink and he wouldn't drink milk unless it was pink, eat a cake unless it was pink etc etc. All the pictures you see of him ever he is surrounded by women!

Turns out that he is obsessed with cherries....if it's cherry flavour (or strawberry a close 2nd lol) it's normally pink. He had an older sister who would bring friends over to the house etc, and of course he then got lumped in playing with girls. He learnt how to talk to girls quicker/better than other boys his age and shall we say was more 'successful' with the ladies as a teenager/young man.

I'm slightly worried as my 2 older boys seem very popular with the opposite sex.......they're going to bring trouble to my door! lol

Do not worry about him. He will be whoever he wants to be...it's your job to support him, accept him and to allow him to express himself.

 

[SarahBear]

The only problem is that I am a primary school teacher and whilst I would love to say, 'Don't conform!! Do whatever you want, be whatever you want!' I have seen too many times examples of children who don't 'fit' and therefore don't have many friends or who are not happy because no one else seems to want to do whatever they want to do. I don't want him to be a fighter but equally I don't want him to be laughed at or shunned for not fitting in. I know not all boys are into play fighting etc but unfortunately I am a mummy who worries to excess about everything xx

I would probably focus more on how to make sure he continues to be comfortable in his own skin, than try to figure out how to change him. It's better to have a few close friends and be happy being you, than it is to try to be someone else, just to get others to like you.

 

[aimee-lou]

What you have written describes my eldest. He started school in September and it had not really changed him, still favours playing with girls but it is because he is not into play fighting which most of the boys tend to do. He is friends with most in his class just his best friends are girls! Mums love him!

This for my eldest too.......I often get 'Oh so this is Earl!' from other mums lol. I have girls fighting to sit next to him in the playground in a morning.

 

[New Mrs W]

I certainly am not trying to change him. He knows he is loved and that he can be and do whatever he wants to be. But as an adult who deals with young children I know that life can be harder for 'different' children. I also know that aged four, it is impossible to see who or what he will be even a year from now, never mind many years in the future. I guess I am just asking if it sounds familiar to others or if his behaviour is very unusual. As I said, he is my eldest and I have nothing to compare him to. I simply wondered if there were any other mummies who have similar experiences.

 

[hattiehippo]

What you have written describes my eldest. He started school in September and it had not really changed him, still favours playing with girls but it is because he is not into play fighting which most of the boys tend to do. He is friends with most in his class just his best friends are girls! Mums love him!

This is my DS too. He is very much an in the middle boy just like you get in the middle girls who don't like pink etc. He hates superheroes and rough play and he loves role play and acting. He also loves Disney Princess and My Little Pony though since starting school he has chosen not to tell his new school friends about this - his choice.

I know what you mean about other children as I'm a teacher too and I don't want my DS being picked on for who he is. But even more so I don't want him to feel he is wrong to like what he does and want to play more with the girls than the boys. And he is very, very popular with the girls in his class and the 2 years above him too!

 

[New Mrs W]

Thank you Hattiehippo. I so desperately want him to be a happy boy, which he is. No one else is worried about him. Unfortunately about 12 months ago I was diagnosed with post natal anxiety and although I had a course of CBT to help me, I am still under the influence of anxiety and once something gets into my head I find it very difficult to let it go. Instead, little worries that would seem like nothing to most people seem much bigger issues to me. Although, TBH, it is almost refreshing to be worrying about this as most of the time I am at the end of my tether worrying that he is seriously ill because he has a bruise on his leg or looked a little tired yesterday :-/ I never knew this whole mummy thing would bring so much worry (but so much love!!) xxxx

 

[Eleanor ace]

He sounds a lot like my younger brother. Although he was very hyperactive and would get into trouble for that, and a lot of his toys were "girly", but otherwise he is as you describe your son. He was always very popular at school. He was mostly friends with girls but had boy friends too, but he didn't like playing football or being rough which is what most of the boys in his class wanted to do at break time once he reached junior school, so for most of juniors he mostly played with girls, but still some boys too. Through secondary school it was the same but as he got towards the end of school it evened out to him having an equal number of boy and girl friends. There were times where he struggled with not fitting in, even though he had more friends than most. My mum was very good at helping him to be proud of who he was though and he was fine

 

[Tasha]

our babies going to school is a worrying time isn't it? My oldest goes to secondary school this year and he's different so both myself and his primary school are worried about the transition. No matter their age we want to protect them.

I wanted to say my little girl (almost seven) very best friend at school is a little boy. He is a gentle, sweet little boy, the most amazing manners and just so cute. They adore each other and talk about each other non-stop. He tells her he loves her because she is kind and beautiful. Any way my point being her pal isn't one of the lads but that doesn't stop him having very close friendships. I'm sure your adorable wee man will click with someone x

 

[Zephram]

He sounds like a lovely little boy and I really think you're worrying too much about a non-issue. People come in all personalities and he doesn't have to fit a stereotype to still be a boy. It's natural to worry about fitting in at school, etc, but the best thing you can do to develop his confidence and security is to just let him be himself and tell him he's wonderful as he is.

 

[minties]

He sounds lovely! Boys aren't all rough little mean turds

 

[AngelofTroy]

Sounds like he's a lovely boy, not sure what the issue is here!

 

[d_b]

ALL the little boys I know love singing and dancing! Your son sounds a lot like my oldest and actually sounds pretty similar to lots of other little kids I know who don't like to push or smack. I find the rough kids tend to stick together and the more laid back kids will just eye the boisterous ones from a distance.

 

[chickenlegs]

I do understand where you are coming from. It is very easy to look at this post and start going on about gender stereotypes and all of that business. But there is a reality and as a year 6 teacher, the boys who play with girls, who don't like football, who like talking about make up DO have issues in "fitting in". They think they know what they "should" be doing and worry that what they actually like doing isn't good enough. What I will say, is that having had MANY boys coming through year six who are more "feminine" and ultimately more likely to end up as gay adults, the ones who are accepted at home are incredibly confident and self assured and do absolutely fine. They develop into strong minded, independent boys. It is the ones who are encouraged to be something that they are not that struggle. So basically - DON'T STRESS! It is the support at home that makes the difference, not who he actually likes to spend time with. Honestly.

 

[Tasha]

I've a year six, year five and a year two, I will say that yes the year sixes do tend to try and fit in (although my year six doesn't and still has a few close friends) but that's different to reception, year one, two, three etc. Firstly they are not as self aware and secondly young children tend to be very accepting, so they just see x as x and not as they boy who doesn't play ball or fight.

Not sure how we jumped from a little boy liking dancing to him being feminine or talking about 'feminine boys' being gay. Firstly at four, five, six, ten, eleven I'm not sure we should be jumping to those conclusions, different people like different things. Secondly, if a little girl likes playing ball, play fighting etc are we making the same assumptions that they will ultimately be gay?

 

[chickenlegs]

I've a year six, year five and a year two, I will say that yes the year sixes do tend to try and fit in (although my year six doesn't and still has a few close friends) but that's different to reception, year one, two, three etc. Firstly they are not as self aware and secondly young children tend to be very accepting, so they just see x as x and not as they boy who doesn't play ball or fight.

Not sure how we jumped from a little boy liking dancing to him being feminine or talking about 'feminine boys' being gay. Firstly at four, five, six, ten, eleven I'm not sure we should be jumping to those conclusions, different people like different things. Secondly, if a little girl likes playing ball, play fighting etc are we making the same assumptions that they will ultimately be gay?

I'm not jumping to conclusions. I thought I was contributing to the thread by relating to children who I teach, that's all. I was intending to be helpful! Perhaps I wasn't, but then I can never tell on here. And I absolutely believe (for what it's worth) that at ten and eleven you can tell with some children if they are likely (not ultimately, but likely) to be gay adults. I don't care about it, I just believe that some children develop behaviours which indicate the future at a young age. That's all.