Recovered from an eating disorder + pregnancy weight = :(

[DLA]

Like the title says, I've had issues with anorexia and bulimia since I was a teen. The last 2 years I finally came out of it for the most part (before that things were pretty bad, was in and out of hospitals and treatment centers for years). I'm so happy to pregnant and to be where I am and thankfully not in that misery of the the disorder but I'm really starting to struggle with my body image. I have gained a lot of weight with this pregnancy, I know it's over 30lbs (I don't look at the scale at the doctor as it's upsetting). I just feel so unattractive and disgusting. I know every woman feels this way especially at the end but this is like really starting to get to me. No part of me ever wants to be sick the way I was before but sometimes I catch myself thinking about how badly I want to starve myself after I have the baby. I know logically I can't do that and won't do that but I just feel so depressed about my appearance

 

[WiscoGirl]

i know how you feel. was 5'4 and at lowest weighed 85 lbs in high school. last 10 years weighed about 110-115 max. now I weigh 135 and i HATE it. I work out every day still and eat really healthy...but I fucking hate how I look and feel. Will be going back on Prozac asap. It helps with depression and is a stimulant so I will lose the weight fast.

 

[SuperKat]

I'm sorry you are going through this- is there any support groups you can join for that transitional peroid (i.e. now- and for the first few months of having a newborn)? I imagine your Ob/gyn knows you history?

What would worry me most is the fact that newborns *can* make it difficult to squeeze in meals regularly which could pose a problem, especially if you struggle with the idea of not eating as is.

 

[JackiePed]

Perhaps breastfeeding will help you find your balance... during breastfeeding we aren't necessarily expected to *gain* weight like we are during pregnancy, but we do have to ensure that we have a healthy supply of nutrient-dense calories, and if we don't eat enough, we don't make enough milk. But... at the same time... breastfeeding helps keep our metabolism high as well. So perhaps, if you haven't committed already to breastfeeding, consider making that part of your plan. Research it, read about the benefits, really get yourself ready for it. Then....it will keep you in check, because you'll KNOW that if you starve yourself, you won't have milk for baby....and you can work to find that balance.

Not to mention, when your body is powerful enough to nourish another human being... YOUR human being... it can have a powerful effect on the way you see it--rather than something to be denied or even punished, you'll be able to see it as something to be proud for MORE than just how it looks- but what it's capable of!
Body-image issues are very...very hard.

 

[jcg0506]

Do you have a counselor that you see about this issue? If not, I think it would be really beneficial to help keep the negative thoughts that prompt the body image issues at bay. Also, the advice about breastfeeding seems really good. BTW, I also struggled with anorexia in high school so I can sympathize.

 

[Green Glitter]

DLA - I'm so sorry you're having these feelings, but it's good to confront them now and it shows your strength to recognize them. On average you'll gain somewhere between 25-35 pounds, so you only have 7 weeks left. You're fine. You'll lose most of the weight after the baby is born and then the weeks following (and what Jackie said about BF I found true for me as well).

*HUGS* It's a difficult thing and body images are very powerful. It may be safe to just bring it up with your OBG, and just to let her know (if you haven't told her).

 

[Hopefulgirlie]

I would definately speak to your doc now honey. It sounds like you have been through so much already. I've never had the same problem myself but I have had close friends that have suffered so I've seen how easy it is to slip back into really destructive habits. If you recognise that you're on the brink of that same old way of thinking then get help NOW. I'm sure you know yourself that once you're past a certain point you'll be trying to hide your issues rather than solve them.
I've seen how all-consuming an eating disorder is and you
will need all your energy and concentration to raise LO once they are here. If you speak to your doc now they might be able to provide counselling along side nutritionist advice to lose the weight safely.
Only you know how you're feeling but if you have any concerns that you are heading back down that same path, then you owe it to yourself honey to
speak up now.
Wishing you all the best and massive massive hugs x x

 

[MRS_HJO]

Hello, I too have struggled with bulimia in the past, and also took Topamax (anti-seizure drug) for my migraines daily which caused me to be really skinny. Last September I weighed 115lbs at 5'7" inches. Well, having a baby was the most important thing to me, so I went off the Topamax to conceive, but continued to purge because I was gaining weight rapidly from stopping the med... When I got pregnant the first time (in Feb), I weighed 130 or so... Miscarried that baby, hormones went crazy, and got up to 142 by the time I fell pregnant with this baby... I was not purging any more though because I decided it may have been a cause of the loss. Anyway, long story short, I'm now up to 153, the heaviest I've ever been, and I'm really, really struggling with my body image right now. Everyday I look in the mirror and hate what I see, which is so sad, because it should be a time to embrace it... I'm so sick of people telling me to relax and "embrace" my pregnant body... I honestly feel so disgusting and ugly, and I still have 21 more weeks to go!!! I know it will only get worse.... Don't have any advice for you because I am struggling with all the same stuff, but just wanted to let you know that you are not alone.

 

[DLA]

wow Thank you everyone for all the support. I posted this last night and went to bed in tears. It was nice to wake up see all the supportive responses. I don't see a counsler anymore because for the past two years I've really had no issues with it. For most of my pregnancy I didn't have an issue either, but getting towards the end here is proven a lot more difficult than I anticipated. All the same feelings I used to have about myself are there but the difference is I don't act on it the way I used to because I know my baby is depending on me. I know this will be the same after I have him because I do plan on breastfeeding and would never do anything to compromise his nutrition. I'm really hoping that my body will naturally get back to the way it's supposed to be and these bad feelings will subside. I think I'm just hitting a low point It doesn't help all the comments about "how big" I am or how I "must be due sept". I am oversensitive but still these comments hurts.

 

[DLA]

Perhaps breastfeeding will help you find your balance... during breastfeeding we aren't necessarily expected to *gain* weight like we are during pregnancy, but we do have to ensure that we have a healthy supply of nutrient-dense calories, and if we don't eat enough, we don't make enough milk. But... at the same time... breastfeeding helps keep our metabolism high as well. So perhaps, if you haven't committed already to breastfeeding, consider making that part of your plan. Research it, read about the benefits, really get yourself ready for it. Then....it will keep you in check, because you'll KNOW that if you starve yourself, you won't have milk for baby....and you can work to find that balance.

Not to mention, when your body is powerful enough to nourish another human being... YOUR human being... it can have a powerful effect on the way you see it--rather than something to be denied or even punished, you'll be able to see it as something to be proud for MORE than just how it looks- but what it's capable of!
Body-image issues are very...very hard.

I agree that this is great advice. I did take a class on breastfeeding this week and am prepared to give it a go. I'm hoping that I will find it enriching for myself to see what my body is capable of (in a good way for once, not a crazy starvation/weightloss way) and I think it will bring balance. Pregnancy actually regulating my eating. Although when I got pregnant I wasn't in my "disorder", I definitely wasn't the healthiest eater and always struggled with eating breakfast or skipping meals when I was busy or stressed. I would have days when I didn't eat until 5pm or just chronically skipped meals. The second I found out I was pregnant, I found it simple to eat 3 meals a day plus snacks. I'm hoping breastfeeding will have a similar effect.

 

[darsilver1]

Just wanted to tell you that I am really glad that you are managing and overcoming the battle with the eating disorder. Just know that the weight you are gaining will go away. I have heard breatfeeding really helps with weightloss. Hang in there mama.

 

[happysaurus]

Reading this thread makes me worry a wee bit for you for after birth. Your hormones are going to be all over the place and, if you're breastfeeding, you'll lose the weight naturally anyway. I suspect it might be very easy to keep going with the weight loss if you've had problems with eating in the past. A good friend of mine had an eating disorder and I know that every time she accidentally loses weight (like if she's got the flu) she finds it a real effort to start eating again. What helps her is to go back to following her 3 meals and 3 snacks plan again just until she's back on track. Can you go and see a dietician and make out a healthy (and managable) meal plan for you to follow when you're breastfeeding (and for just now too)? From watching my friend's struggles I know it's not as easy as just really wanting not to go backwards - sometimes it's really useful to have a meal plan so that you know you're not over/under eating.

Good luck.

 

[DLA]

Reading this thread makes me worry a wee bit for you for after birth. Your hormones are going to be all over the place and, if you're breastfeeding, you'll lose the weight naturally anyway. I suspect it might be very easy to keep going with the weight loss if you've had problems with eating in the past. A good friend of mine had an eating disorder and I know that every time she accidentally loses weight (like if she's got the flu) she finds it a real effort to start eating again. What helps her is to go back to following her 3 meals and 3 snacks plan again just until she's back on track. Can you go and see a dietician and make out a healthy (and managable) meal plan for you to follow when you're breastfeeding (and for just now too)? From watching my friend's struggles I know it's not as easy as just really wanting not to go backwards - sometimes it's really useful to have a meal plan so that you know you're not over/under eating.

Good luck.

You're absolutely right, unintended weightloss can be super triggering. I do have a nutritionist who I love and will go to immediately if things start getting sticky. I saw her in my first trimester right away when I found out I was pregnant to make sure I was off to a good start nutritionally. I also have tons of meal plans I can go back to if it becomes that much of a struggle, which I'm hoping it won't. Like I said before I feel like crap about my self and have a lot of negative thoughts but haven't even consider acting on any of them since being pregnant, so I do think the same will go for when I'm breastfeeding or even after that. He will always depend on me so I need to be the best and most healthy version of myself.

 

[robinator]

I suffered from AN for years and have been (physically) recovered for 4 years, after a bout in rehab and then a relapse. I wonder if the body image thoughts will ever go away - I thought when I finally got pregnant it would be the release I needed and I would eat to my heart's content! Sadly, I found that not to be true, and up until my 21 week checkup I was constantly beating myself up for the weight gain. I was keeping my food intake mostly within my caloric range and exercising 3 times a week and expecting non-pregnancy results. Once I hit the 25 pounds gained at my last checkup I was able to let it go and just roll with it, realizing there's not a damn thing I can do about it.

That being said, I do worry about how in the world I'm going to lose all this wait after baby. Will I stay "fat" forever? Will I even care at that point because my priorities will hopefully have shifted? I just don't know.

I was hoping that as someone with a similar state of mind I might be able to offer you advice, but I don't since I don't even know what it's going to be like after birth. But I am here, too, and just wanted you to know that I get it.

 

[happysaurus]

Reading this thread makes me worry a wee bit for you for after birth. Your hormones are going to be all over the place and, if you're breastfeeding, you'll lose the weight naturally anyway. I suspect it might be very easy to keep going with the weight loss if you've had problems with eating in the past. A good friend of mine had an eating disorder and I know that every time she accidentally loses weight (like if she's got the flu) she finds it a real effort to start eating again. What helps her is to go back to following her 3 meals and 3 snacks plan again just until she's back on track. Can you go and see a dietician and make out a healthy (and managable) meal plan for you to follow when you're breastfeeding (and for just now too)? From watching my friend's struggles I know it's not as easy as just really wanting not to go backwards - sometimes it's really useful to have a meal plan so that you know you're not over/under eating.

Good luck.

You're absolutely right, unintended weightloss can be super triggering. I do have a nutritionist who I love and will go to immediately if things start getting sticky. I saw her in my first trimester right away when I found out I was pregnant to make sure I was off to a good start nutritionally. I also have tons of meal plans I can go back to if it becomes that much of a struggle, which I'm hoping it won't. Like I said before I feel like crap about my self and have a lot of negative thoughts but haven't even consider acting on any of them since being pregnant, so I do think the same will go for when I'm breastfeeding or even after that. He will always depend on me so I need to be the best and most healthy version of myself.

You sound like you've got your head screwed on properly

 

[WiscoGirl]

it's not really even the WEIGHT that bothers me, but my stomach...it was my best body part, always rock hard and flatter than flat...that is what scares me the most and not eating (starving myself) will not make any amount of skin go away. :\ fffffffffff.

 

[DLA]

it's not really even the WEIGHT that bothers me, but my stomach...it was my best body part, always rock hard and flatter than flat...that is what scares me the most and not eating (starving myself) will not make any amount of skin go away. :\ fffffffffff.

Totally agree. I just don't understand how my stomach will ever be even semi-back to normal after this all. I wish it was just a matter of losing the weight!

 

[JackiePed]

Most people who were in shape before will get their stomach back after. It will take patience and some work, but it's not lost.