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- Aug 27, 2012
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I don't know to who else or where else to vent, but I need to! Please don't judge if you're a mom already...I know stepmom issues can be hot button.
Had a really rough day yesterday and trying my hardest not to have a repeat. DH has an almost-5 y/o son who lives with us half time; DH and I been together since my SS was 18 months. I've been very involved with his care and raising, and love that little boy with all my heart.
Yesterday when I picked him up from preschool, he ran to me, gave me a hug, and looked so excited to pull out a valentine's day card he had made. He handed it to me and said, "It's not for you though, it's for my real mom. Can we put it in an envelope and get a stamp?"
I don't know why, but I was just so crushed....one of those moments where the breath was just knocked out of me. We've been trying so hard for a child and it's just not happening. I've taken some small amount of comfort in being so blessed to have a child in my life - even if he isn't my own - that I can love and watch grow. But that moment was just a reminder that I am not his mother, and no matter how good of a relationship he and I have, we will never have that bond.
And all of this after having an already hard day...a very close cousin called to tell me his wife is pregnant (they didn't even know if they wanted kids). It was all I could do to hold myself together at the school in front of SS; to say "Your mommy's going to love it!"
I'm ready to cry right now, and it's just so flippin hard. To love him but not want to be around him right now at the same time because I so desperately want a child of my own; a little one to call me mama and say, "look what I made for you! I love you!"
At least DH has been very understanding, saying he knows that while SS and I both love each other very much, it's not the same as having my own child. I feel bad for DH too, b/c he looks so helpless and sorry for me when I have a mood like this.
I so very much want a bfp.
Had a really rough day yesterday and trying my hardest not to have a repeat. DH has an almost-5 y/o son who lives with us half time; DH and I been together since my SS was 18 months. I've been very involved with his care and raising, and love that little boy with all my heart.
Yesterday when I picked him up from preschool, he ran to me, gave me a hug, and looked so excited to pull out a valentine's day card he had made. He handed it to me and said, "It's not for you though, it's for my real mom. Can we put it in an envelope and get a stamp?"
I don't know why, but I was just so crushed....one of those moments where the breath was just knocked out of me. We've been trying so hard for a child and it's just not happening. I've taken some small amount of comfort in being so blessed to have a child in my life - even if he isn't my own - that I can love and watch grow. But that moment was just a reminder that I am not his mother, and no matter how good of a relationship he and I have, we will never have that bond.
And all of this after having an already hard day...a very close cousin called to tell me his wife is pregnant (they didn't even know if they wanted kids). It was all I could do to hold myself together at the school in front of SS; to say "Your mommy's going to love it!"
I'm ready to cry right now, and it's just so flippin hard. To love him but not want to be around him right now at the same time because I so desperately want a child of my own; a little one to call me mama and say, "look what I made for you! I love you!"
At least DH has been very understanding, saying he knows that while SS and I both love each other very much, it's not the same as having my own child. I feel bad for DH too, b/c he looks so helpless and sorry for me when I have a mood like this.
I so very much want a bfp.
Perhaps OH should talk to him about how much you mean, too? I'm sure he didn't mean anything by it. Kids are often not the most sensitive to complex adult situations. (Come to think of it, neither are adults.) He loves you, too!!!
