Sad about delivering baby alone... (LONG!)

[Exmxb]

Things have basically crumbled between the father of my boys and I. The last few months that we were together, he was gone constantly on a "job" where he made no money, or I guess he did but he was spending it all on booze as he's an alcoholic. We got evicted from our apartment in October, to be out at the beginning of November, and he wasn't even in the state for the court date and the apartment was in his name so I had no choice but to take our first son and leave. I was about 8 weeks at the time, and went to a homeless shelter.

We kept talking, I updated him on our first son a lot, and told him I missed him and yada yada. Something about him being the father of my kids makes it so hard to let him go, even after dealing with him being an alcoholic and never doing anything around the house or anything financially.

I ended up going to a homeless shelter for a few months with my son, but it was extremely far away from my family and I didn't have a car or anything so grocery shopping and stuff was impossible. I moved back in with my parents at the very end of January. My mother and I don't get along well, so it was definitely a last resort, and on top of that, within days, my mother was getting upset because my son would stay up late and be noisy (i KIND of am understanding about this because she does have to work early but she was nasty about it).

I didn't have a choice so I asked my sons' father to take him for the week, during the weekdays. He said it was fine, blah blah, I could pick him up for the weekend. Cool. That's not how it played out though. He ended up blocking me on FB (our only method of communication at that time), filling for sole custody and a protection from abuse order so I could not contact him or my son. A very very long, agonizing month (and a few days) went by before court, and of course, the order was dropped because all his claims against me were completely BS.

That day, I went to his mother's house (where he's been living since we lost our place), and asked him to see my kid for the first time in more than a month. I cried and he missed me a lot, and we began working out a temporary visit schedule until we have court for custody (which is next week, joy), and I told him all I've ever wanted was fairness, 50/50 custody. We have been doing visits each week for 3/4 and 4/3 days.

The real kicker is, I don't think we will be able to work things out, even though I still really love him (which is stupid and almost embarrassing to me after all that he's done to me). When he first blocked me on FB (beginning of February), I went on my other account and saw that he was actually in a relationship with an ex fling of his, that he used to say some pretty rude nasty stuff about when we were together of course, and they had been in a relationship since New Years, and him and I hadn't officially broken up since January 11th...

I asked him about her the last few times I was there and he acted like the relationship was not real, that it was kind of a joke and said they didn't really see each other. But the LAST time I was there, I saw a LARGE quantity of condoms, which I pointed at, but he didnt say anything. I had to excuse myself and leave after that. His mother's in her 50s and single, so I highly doubt they're hers. The other stupid thing that confuses me is he told me a few months ago that he found religion and yada yada and doesn't believe in premarital sex and "the next person he sleeps with is going to be his wife." (Which is completely backwards from how he used to think when we first got together--he didn't believe in marriage and thought it was dumb and blah blah)

Regardless... I can only assume that means he's slept with at least one other woman, which is a total deal breaker for me. I asked him if he slept with her in a text a week or two ago and he didn't answer me (which sort of confirms it for me), and when I pointed to the condoms, he didn't say anything and just walked away. I was clinging to the fact that he wasn't going to be sleeping with any other girls so maybe there was a shot that we could work things out. But he's clearly moved on but I'm stuck holding on to the past and sad.

I've gone back and forth between wanting him in the delivery room and being there when our second is born, and not. At this point it's probably going to be a not, I'm so disgusted and hurt by him at this point that I actually want to have a middle person so I don't have to see him when I pick up and drop off our son 'cause it just reopens all the pain when I see him, esp because some days he's REALLY nice and funny and wants to talk and is like the man I was with, and some days he's really nasty, hurtful and rude and just doesn't want anything to do with me.

SO bottom line, has anyone been COMPLETELY alone besides the doctors, nurses in the delivery room? How was it? I'm petrified, the idea just makes me want to cry thinking about it. I don't get along with my mom at all, and I would never ever want her in the room with me, and I wouldn't have my dad in there either. If you read my novel, you should get a medal! Thanks!

 

[dolphin03]

bless you .. I'm so sorry to hear all this
I know for sure it's daunting to think of having to do it all on your own
I haven't myself but it does happen, its not that unusual, so many I know are single moms and don't get on with family etc,

is there no one at all? I was thinking maybe a doula, I'm not sure how you'd feel about having someone you don't really know too well in there with you, but, if you are to go alone I'm sure they'll be very supportive (the nurses) etc. I feel really sad for you

I guess what's most important is what you want, how will you feel if he's there with you? I guess the last thing you need is to be upset whilst having your little one

do you have problems with your dad too? I know a lot of ladies feel it might be strange to have your dad in there, but I don't, ok maybe not to see all.. but even in the hospital. it's horrible not having the support of your family. my pregnancy hasn't been confirmed yet but I've only had one person offer to come with me and support me for my scan.. that's bad enough. I don't get on too well with my mum either, she's an alcoholic and so I do understand a lot of that side of things
its just so stressful

is there anyone else at all possible?
I think you're really brave. and I really think you can do this.. all single mums deserve a medal!!!!!

I cant say for sure if I'd have him in there because I'm not you and don't know absolutely everything you're going through but by the sounds of it, I probably wouldn't. but again, you've just got to put yourself first, you and your little one. I don't know what to suggest but if you ever just need to chat inbox me anytime. good luck

 

[Meezerowner]

I faced this problem when I was pregnant as when I was about 6 weeks I found out that FOB had cheated on me. We split when I was 3 months or so.
I worried about it loads and FOB kept making crap promises abot us getting back together and I naively thought we would work it out and he would be there for the birth. Turns out not. In the last few weeks of pregnancy I worried a lot about being on my own as there was no-one I could call on. All my (good) friends live miles away and have small children of their own and my Mum lived abroad. I had explained to the midwives my problem and had one of them volunteer to be with me like as an extra midwife not as the midwife for delivery if you get what I mean.
In the end I didn't need it though as my Mum flew over 2 days before I was induced and she was with me. Although it's not what I would of wanted but she was amazing and helped loads. In hindsight, I realise that FOB would have been crap as birthing partner he has no patience or sensitivity and gets bored really easily of things that aren't "fun".

Anyway it's worth talking to the hospital about your concerns and maybe they can help.
But also reconsider your Mum - they can be suprising sometimes and you might find she would be happy to help and feel privileged that you want her there?

I would defo say you are better going it alone than with your ex though - he sounds like a waste of space. I can't believe he let you lose your home whilst pregnant with his children and wasnt even there to sort it out. He doesnt sound very capable but if he's alcoholic then that would explain it.

I hope you can get something sorted so that you can have a happy birth. Best bet is to choose the least stressful option which may be to go it alone and you can defo do it cos the medical team will take good care of you and you have no-one else to worry about but you and bub.

 

[daneuse27]

I feel terrible as well for everything you've been through. You are so brave! Living with your mom when you two don't get along can't be easy. I went through a similar thing in my pregnancy. I had to move back home despite not having a great relationship with my mom. We made it work but there were definitely speed bumps along the way. I hope that things improve with your mom once the new baby is here; maybe it will soften her up a bit. If not, then I hope you can move on to a better situation soon. For now though, I think you're doing the right thing.

About your ex, he sounds horrible. I think I would rather be alone in the delivery room than have someone like him right next to me. My baby's dad was with me, despite that we would argue a lot - however, he was never quite as nasty as your FOB is. If he had been, things may have been different. I can totally relate to not wanting your parents in there; I was the same way. Maybe look into the doulah option - I never had any experience with one but some people swear by them. Maybe ask any girlfriends, etc as well?

 

[Lauraxamy]

I was completely alone when I had my second baby. I'd left FOB when I was around 4 months pregnant with our second child, the only other person I'd want there was my Mum but she needed to be there for my first child and look after her etc. Honestly, it wasn't that bad, luckily for me I was already 7cm when I got to the hospital so it all went really, really quickly (got to hospital at 1:30am, got checked around 2am and he was born at 5:17am) and my Mum came in with LO as soon as he was born, we then got discharged as quick as possible which I think was 6 hours after delivery. I'd also built up a really good relationship with my midwives, it was a midwife led unit so only a small hospital and they all knew my situation, they were amazing actually so I'd definitely talk to people like that, I'm sure they'd help. Do you have a friend or something that could be there? I contemplated having my best friend there, she said she would etc but because she can't drive and it all happened in the middle of the night in the end so I chose not to bother her.
Best of luck

 

[tickledpinkkk]

I'm so sorry to hear about everything you've been going through, first of all. Just try to remember that the hard times make you stronger

Also, I have gone through an emergency C-section surgery all by myself when I was only 17. At the time I didn't have any friends or the baby's dad to be there with me. It was scary & the situation probably would have been a lot more enjoyable if I had someone close to me there with me during the labor. But, I am very proud of myself to have gone through all of that alone. Most women couldn't dream of going through labor all by themselves.

With this C-section I plan on having my best friend there with me since I also do not see this baby's father being around for the delivery. I really suggest finding someone close to you that you can 100% count on to be there for you... a family member or maybe just a friend. I think it would make the birth a lot easier on you to have someone close to you there.

 

[Exmxb]

bless you .. I'm so sorry to hear all this
I know for sure it's daunting to think of having to do it all on your own
I haven't myself but it does happen, its not that unusual, so many I know are single moms and don't get on with family etc,

is there no one at all? I was thinking maybe a doula, I'm not sure how you'd feel about having someone you don't really know too well in there with you, but, if you are to go alone I'm sure they'll be very supportive (the nurses) etc. I feel really sad for you

I guess what's most important is what you want, how will you feel if he's there with you? I guess the last thing you need is to be upset whilst having your little one

do you have problems with your dad too? I know a lot of ladies feel it might be strange to have your dad in there, but I don't, ok maybe not to see all.. but even in the hospital. it's horrible not having the support of your family. my pregnancy hasn't been confirmed yet but I've only had one person offer to come with me and support me for my scan.. that's bad enough. I don't get on too well with my mum either, she's an alcoholic and so I do understand a lot of that side of things
its just so stressful

is there anyone else at all possible?
I think you're really brave. and I really think you can do this.. all single mums deserve a medal!!!!!

I cant say for sure if I'd have him in there because I'm not you and don't know absolutely everything you're going through but by the sounds of it, I probably wouldn't. but again, you've just got to put yourself first, you and your little one. I don't know what to suggest but if you ever just need to chat inbox me anytime. good luck

Yeah I don't think I'm going to have father in the room. Whenever I go to pick up our first son and I talk about the baby he kind of pretends like I didnt say anything. Or when I send him ultrasound pics he goes "Cool." It makes me a little cuckoo!!!!

My dad was there with my first son while I was being induced until about midnight when I was finally able to get to sleep. I was pushing between 6 am and 9 am and both of my parents waited in the waiting room until he was born. So I'm sure I'll have him there for the labor part again.

I've considered trying to find a doula, there's not many in my area and they ask a pretty penny for their services, and I'm already paying a doula for placenta encapsulation so maybe I'll talk to her and see.

Thanks for the support, it's really nice to try and get it out there and for people to see, since I don't really talk my personal life to people usually.