Weebles
Well-Known Member
- Joined
- Dec 19, 2015
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I'm not sure what I'm going to write. I just have to write something. It might be graphic, I've found this whole experience to be devastatingly traumatic. If you don't want to read about the experience of a miscarriage please stop reading.
I guess I had a feeling something was wrong but I don't know exactly when the feeling started and that bothers me. My excitement ended. Not my love, not my dreams, but that excitement quietly left.
I found out at my 12 week scan that my baby's heart had stopped. Out of three pregnancies the only one during which I didn't have any bleeding was the one where my baby died. I covered my face and cried. The tech turned the screen off, went to go tell my doctor, and when she came back to usher my husband and I into a room I assume is only used to deliver bad news I asked her for a picture anyway. I can't look at it but I'm glad I have it.
I was given a choice of a D&C or Misoprotosol pills. I chose the pills and I started the process the next morning. It was very painful. I had hydrocodone left over from a surgery and was glad to have them. I spent a lot of time on my knees leaning over the couch while my husband rubbed my back. I don't know why but I wasn't expecting it to be so much like labor.
I started to panic around 10 hours after I started the pills. I was cramping and contracting but not bleeding. I had expected to bleed. I didn't want a D&C and preferred to miscarry as naturally as possible and was just getting really angry at my body for failing me in every way imaginable.
I went to use the bathroom and felt something come out. I caught it, my baby. I started bleeding after that. I couldn't stand to look at it, my heartbreak. I couldn't flush it. I put him in the sink. My husband cleaned him off. I know it was to early to tell but I feel in my heart it was a little boy.
We had our own burial for him which has given me some amount of peace. The only thing I could do for my baby was say goodbye. But I feel so traumatized. I don't know why I wasn't expecting it. It seems silly, stupid, to not have ever thought about the tiny physical body that is lost. I was not prepared. But I don't know that anything could have prepared me for it either. Maybe a D&C would have been better after all. I don't know. I think I'd still try to avoid it.
I have all these hormones. I'm no longer pregnant and I have no baby to hold. I don't know that I will ever be the same.
I guess I had a feeling something was wrong but I don't know exactly when the feeling started and that bothers me. My excitement ended. Not my love, not my dreams, but that excitement quietly left.
I found out at my 12 week scan that my baby's heart had stopped. Out of three pregnancies the only one during which I didn't have any bleeding was the one where my baby died. I covered my face and cried. The tech turned the screen off, went to go tell my doctor, and when she came back to usher my husband and I into a room I assume is only used to deliver bad news I asked her for a picture anyway. I can't look at it but I'm glad I have it.
I was given a choice of a D&C or Misoprotosol pills. I chose the pills and I started the process the next morning. It was very painful. I had hydrocodone left over from a surgery and was glad to have them. I spent a lot of time on my knees leaning over the couch while my husband rubbed my back. I don't know why but I wasn't expecting it to be so much like labor.
I started to panic around 10 hours after I started the pills. I was cramping and contracting but not bleeding. I had expected to bleed. I didn't want a D&C and preferred to miscarry as naturally as possible and was just getting really angry at my body for failing me in every way imaginable.
I went to use the bathroom and felt something come out. I caught it, my baby. I started bleeding after that. I couldn't stand to look at it, my heartbreak. I couldn't flush it. I put him in the sink. My husband cleaned him off. I know it was to early to tell but I feel in my heart it was a little boy.
We had our own burial for him which has given me some amount of peace. The only thing I could do for my baby was say goodbye. But I feel so traumatized. I don't know why I wasn't expecting it. It seems silly, stupid, to not have ever thought about the tiny physical body that is lost. I was not prepared. But I don't know that anything could have prepared me for it either. Maybe a D&C would have been better after all. I don't know. I think I'd still try to avoid it.
I have all these hormones. I'm no longer pregnant and I have no baby to hold. I don't know that I will ever be the same.