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Weebles

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I'm not sure what I'm going to write. I just have to write something. It might be graphic, I've found this whole experience to be devastatingly traumatic. If you don't want to read about the experience of a miscarriage please stop reading.

I guess I had a feeling something was wrong but I don't know exactly when the feeling started and that bothers me. My excitement ended. Not my love, not my dreams, but that excitement quietly left.

I found out at my 12 week scan that my baby's heart had stopped. Out of three pregnancies the only one during which I didn't have any bleeding was the one where my baby died. I covered my face and cried. The tech turned the screen off, went to go tell my doctor, and when she came back to usher my husband and I into a room I assume is only used to deliver bad news I asked her for a picture anyway. I can't look at it but I'm glad I have it.

I was given a choice of a D&C or Misoprotosol pills. I chose the pills and I started the process the next morning. It was very painful. I had hydrocodone left over from a surgery and was glad to have them. I spent a lot of time on my knees leaning over the couch while my husband rubbed my back. I don't know why but I wasn't expecting it to be so much like labor.

I started to panic around 10 hours after I started the pills. I was cramping and contracting but not bleeding. I had expected to bleed. I didn't want a D&C and preferred to miscarry as naturally as possible and was just getting really angry at my body for failing me in every way imaginable.

I went to use the bathroom and felt something come out. I caught it, my baby. I started bleeding after that. I couldn't stand to look at it, my heartbreak. I couldn't flush it. I put him in the sink. My husband cleaned him off. I know it was to early to tell but I feel in my heart it was a little boy.

We had our own burial for him which has given me some amount of peace. The only thing I could do for my baby was say goodbye. But I feel so traumatized. I don't know why I wasn't expecting it. It seems silly, stupid, to not have ever thought about the tiny physical body that is lost. I was not prepared. But I don't know that anything could have prepared me for it either. Maybe a D&C would have been better after all. I don't know. I think I'd still try to avoid it.

I have all these hormones. I'm no longer pregnant and I have no baby to hold. I don't know that I will ever be the same.
 
I'm so sorry for your loss. Such a horrific experience and shock. I miscarried naturally and was told it would be like a heavy period because baby was 'only' measuring 8.2 weeks. Umm no, the contractions and bleeding was awful. I panicked and flushed our baby, the placenta followed shortly, I regret that but try not to beat myself up too much. I too was shocked by how similar it was to labour. The hormone crash after is tough, it takes time. You are not alone even though it may feel like it. Sending thoughts and hugs your way xx
 
We were in the same due date group chicky. So sad, I'm so sorry. I really hate how doctors say that something will feel like menstral cramps. Clearly someone who has had both a period and whatever it was they are trying to prepare you for would never say that because it's just not true. Nothing could have prepared me for the heartbreak but at least I was expecting that although I never imagined the depths. I wish I had been properly informed of the physicality of it. And the trauma, I'm having a hard time with that too. It is next to impossible to not feel guilt and I have to stop myself as well from going over what I could have or should have done differently throughout it all.
 
Yes my doctor looked at me like I was crazy for being scared of what I might see when the tissue passed, I don't think she's ever lost a baby or she would have a better understanding of what it is like. I generally like her and fins her very proactive but her bedside manor was a bit off with this. I guess they see it all the time.

It is very traumatic, I felt the same, the birth of my son was very traumatic for me and this felt similar in a lot of ways, harder though because no one asked about it or wanted to talk about it with me. There's no new baby to show off. I found telling a few people about exactly what happened, the intense pain and bleeding, all the horrible details helped, that seems to be how I deal with trauma. It has been over 5 weeks for me though so I'm doing OK now. Those first few weeks were rough. One thing I really struggled with was the fact that my grief and pain was so all consuming and real but no one else seemed to feel it. The world moved on so quickly, like I hadn't lost a 'real' baby...

The guilt is tough, I'm sure you know that this wasn't your fault, but knowing and feeling are to different things. We all have what if thoughts. They're not helpful but they creep in. Trust that you are strong and will be OK. Feel the grief, cry the tears do what you need to do.

Here to chat whenever, we all deal with loss differently but sometimes only others who have lost understand some of the feelings and ugliness involved. I've learnt that over the past few weeks xxx
 
Oh Weebles, I am so incredibly sorry to hear this news. That is beyond devastating. It hurts my heart. I hope the natural miscarriage and burial gave you an avenue from which to meet your baby and grieve his loss. I am so so sorry.
 
I am so so sorry.

I also had a Missed Miscarriage last month and also chose Misoprotosol. I found out at 8 weeks that baby only measured 6+6 and there was no HB.

I am flabbergasted how the pain and trauma are not fully explained. What I experienced (pain wise) was pretty much labour too. I was disgusted at the lack of information and also somehow wished id have chosen the D&C.

I have struggled to come to terms with what happened, everything that i went through and then suddenly in a second, not being pregnant anymore.

I hope you have been able to take some time off work and just sit with what has happened to you. Im so sorry you experienced what you did with passing your little baby. I have had to take some time off work, particularly from my boss (but thats another story!) because yes, some people just dont get it!!

Lots of love x
 
I am so so sorry.

I also had a Missed Miscarriage last month and also chose Misoprotosol. I found out at 8 weeks that baby only measured 6+6 and there was no HB.

I am flabbergasted how the pain and trauma are not fully explained. What I experienced (pain wise) was pretty much labour too. I was disgusted at the lack of information and also somehow wished id have chosen the D&C.

Thank you for your reply and I am so sorry this is an experience that we share.

Part of why I posted is because of that lack of information. It also helped me to process what had happened. With how devastatingly common mc is I was totally unprepared for the pain and trauma and I also felt very alone afterwards. I was angry at my dr for not preparing me for the pain and offering to help aleviate the one thing he could, the physical pain. I hope sharing my story helps someone out there to not feel alone and to know that someone understands.

Time helps, putting distance between myself and the trauma that shattered me. I have always been empathetic towards others but this is something I could never have fully understood the depths of without having gone through it myself. I still struggle too. I'm sorry your boss isn't understanding. It's unreasonable that society expects us to brush it off as no big deal. Not being allowed the space to grieve is an injustice and also very isolating.
 

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