SAHM or Career Mom?

[Wnt2beAMom]

Hey, I posted this over in "Work + Finance" area, but it's not getting many responses....

If you are waiting to have your first child what are you planning to do? If you have kids already, what do you do?

Hey,
This may be a sensitive subject but it is such a toughy....I'm really getting my career going now but will be TTC in April. I'm worried now about being pregnant on the job and what work will think....
DH and I talk a lot about whether I will go back to work or not after the one year mat leave too. I really feel a sense of my self identity in work and love it, but DH isn't too fond of the idea of day care.....His career is really taking off too and he thinks he will be able to support us just on his earnings.


any advise or personal stories?

 

[lozzy21]

I'm nether, I work part time to pay the bills and pay for our luxuries. I feel like I get the best of both worlds.

 

[dvc2012]

Right now, I'm a SAHM but when I was pregnant, I had intended on returning to work. Unfortunately, I lost my job after he was born due to Postpartum Depression; a replacement was hired while I was in the hospital for treatment--yes this is probably illegal, but I didn't have the energy to fight it at the time. As a result, I ended up being a SAHM for the first year and a half although I did go back to school to get my Masters. I just accepted a part-time job offer so I am going back to work now while still going to school. LO will be almost 19 months when I start and I feel comfortable going back to work. My dad is retired so we are lucky that LO does not have to go to daycare. I plan on sending him to a daycare/preschool when he is around 2 and a half or 3. Hopefully around that same time, I will be able to transition to full-time work since I will have completed my Masters.

For the next LO, I am planning on going back to work after the 6-12 weeks of maternity leave (I'm not sure what they offer since we are not at the TTC phase yet). Losing my job played a big part in the long-term continuation of my PPD, so I know I want to go back. Hopefully, my dad can babysit again with #2 while #1 is at school and we won't need to resort to daycare for #2 either. If you get a sense of accomplishment, enjoy your job, and part of your identity is centered around the work you do, I would say go back. Being a SAHM can be very isolating, lonely, repetitive work and not everyone is cut out for it. I had no intention of being one and a good part of LO's first year I spent depressed because I lost my job and wasn't contributing to the family like I could have been.

 

[Wnt2beAMom]

dvc2012: Oh I'm so sorry to hear about the PPD and losing your job! Thanks for the advice and goodluck to you with everything
lozzy21: lucky you

 

[madseasons]

I guess since I am the career person/"bread winner" I never even thought about staying at home. I know some see this as "selfish" but I started my career before I had my son (I was 31 when I had him) and I am already up for my second promotion in 7 years (the first was 6 months ago). I want to make a better and more comfortable life than I grew up in.

With my first DS, I went all the way up until the day before induction still working (which was not easy because of where I work) but I went back to work after only 5 weeks because of not having enough leave and also because I was ready to get back to work.

With this next one, I will do the same, but the only thing I will change is I will take off 6-8 weeks.

I also just finished my Bachelor's Degree (yes, with a toddler which was asleep when I was doing school work online) and I may go back for my Masters.

I am former military also, so I guess you can say I am driven!

I could never be a SAHM and I really admire those who can. I just don't know what I would do once the kids are back to school and such. That said, I HIGHLY believe it's the QUALITY of time with my DS, not just the QUANTITY. My family is my WORLD, and always come first, but I couldn't stay home everyday...

 

[aidensxmomma]

I was a stay at home mom up until just recently, although I did go to school part-time after I had my son. I loved being a stay-at-home mom. This year I started working as an infant teacher at a daycare (my kids are both in school now). I absolutely love my job and now im not so sure if I will go back to being a stay-at-home mom when I have my next baby. Since i know who my baby's teachers would be, i feel comfortable putting them in daycare should i decide to go back to work. Im still undecided what I will do and I'm just gonna take a wait and see approach to it. I think its a really personal decision. What works for one woman doesn't always work for another.

 

[MissN8]

I will be going back to work after maternity leave as I am the made bread winner. i think its good if you can do both and afford it though, hate the thought of missing out on lo milestones but cest la vie

 

[Wnt2beAMom]

It's good to hear a lot of you have gone back to work. I don't want to look like a bad mom but if we can find a good nursery when the time comes and our child shows signs of enjoyment going, then it will make our decision that much easier. I agree with the quality time vs. Quantity too. There is such a stigma to daycares and working moms it makes me nervous

 

[madseasons]

I truly think that finding a good daycare/care provider is key if you are going to go back to work. I really LOVE my daycare and the next LO will be going to the same place. I think it would have been MUCH harder if I didn't like his daycare, but I believe the ladies there are helping SO much with raising my boy..it takes a village!

Like I said, I really do envy SAHM, and if DH was the bread winner, I may have thought about it...but alas, its the opposite.

 

[Caite]

I'll have no choice but to go be a working mum. I'm hoping that my family will be able to help out with babysitting.

 

[staralfur]

I work VERY part-time (we're talking on average one 4 hour shift every ten days) so I consider myself to be a SAHM.

If it made sense for me to work, I absolutely would choose to. I'll be honest and say that I don't really love being at home 24/7 with a demanding toddler. It's somehow exhausting and not terribly stimulating all at the same time. I do love spending time with her and if I could have a job that was somewhere between what I have now and full-time, that would be perfect.

Unfortunately I would have to work full-time at a well paying job in order to cover daycare costs and still come out with some money.

 

[KalonKiki]

Honestly I would love to just work part time somewhere. Right now I stay at home and we can technically afford it, but it's rough. It would be nice to have some extra income, but I love being at home with DS. It's a very bittersweet situation.

If you really love your job and like working then you should go back when your mat leave is up! Don't let your OH decide whether you stay at home or not. I'm sure he would understand if you explained to him how you feel about your job. If he doesn't, tell him too bad because you're going back anyway.

I really wish that I could do the same. Unfortunately my DF is pretty much demanding that I go back to work soon even though I would rather not. He hates his job and wants to do something else but can't until we have a second income.

 

[Autumnflower]

I am still WTT until August of this year. However I have been working part time the last 2 years (my husband is the main bread winner). The position came up to work p/t evenings and in my field that is a rare option and I decided I'd take it. I know that sounds crazy but I was thinking ahead. I wanted to see if we could afford to live off my husbands full time and my p/t salary. We have had to make a few sacrifices along the way and it is still very much a learning curve but well worth it. I've always known that I wanted to be a SAHM when the time came. I do love my career though and I think working part time with a baby will give me the extra time with the baby but also the adult interaction working p/t. Best of both worlds I hope.

I would like to say for all those moms working full time. I was raised by a single mom who worked 50 hours a week or more just to put a roof over our heads and food on the table. She has been a true role model for me my whole life and one of my best friends. I never felt like I was lacking in time with her. The time she spent with my sister and I was quality time and that counts more than anything. I've seen parents with their children who aren't really "in the moment" and it's a sad thing to see. I know people can't be 100 percent attentive all of the time but it is definitely important to carve out some quality time where you really listen to them.

I think it is different for all women. What may work well for one would be awful for another.

 

[tuesdaysbaby]

Hi! I just popped back to visit WTT and this thread is interesting! We are planning on me being a SAHM, I'm a teacher and here in NZ we get fourteen weeks paid leave and as a teacher I get an extra six weeks at full pay. Our jobs are held open for a year and the it's up to us whether we can afford to go stay home or need to go back. Ideally I'd go back part time when baby is about one, and if we lucky enough to have a second, I wouldn't go back after that! I'm a career focused person, but to a point. I'd love to spend those formative years with my babies! But we will see, we need to see that BFP first and I'm sure we can work it all out!

 

[lozzy21]

Some of you who are WTT for your first may change your mind once baby is here. I originally went back part time because with childcare fees it would not be worth working. I planned on going full time when she was two but that hasn't happened. My perspective on work has changed. I used to think that having a career was important but now I just see it as a job to get money. I still enjoy it but I much prefer being at home. Quality over quantity is important but I'd have been devastated if I had missed her firsts or she fell and hurt herself and I wasn't there. The job I'm in is shift work so once she starts school I might not see her from 9am one morning to 3pm the next day.

 

[Eline]

This is an interesting thread! I'm currently WTT #1 and I'm planning to continue working when we have a baby, for the following reasons:
- I think being the only one providing for our family would give my OH a lot of stress and I don't want to put this burden entirely on him.
- I'm very anxious, so it's important for me to have a day activity that requires my concentration and leaves me unable to worry.
- I also very much need interaction with other people every day. If I'm home alone left doing housework for even one day, it makes me feel a bit lonely and depressed.
- We will need two incomes to afford our own house.

At the moment I have a more demanding job, but I would like to change to a 9 to 5 job though, possibly even before TTC. Even with everything mentioned above, I'm very family orientated and like to be home in time to take care of my OH.

To the OP, if you're going to be a SAHM, I would advise you to make sure you are married so you are protected in case something would happen. (I don't know UK or American law, but where I'm from, I'f you're not married you can't get an alimony if you break up and you don't have any pension rights from your husbands income.)

 

[MamaByrd]

We're waiting until I finish my degree to TTC, so we're looking at a couple years still. When I finish my degree, my OH will be making enough money to support both of us and our children.

My hope is that I can be SAHM and finish my Masters until the kiddos go to kindergarten. Then, I'll definitely go back to work.

If we couldn't afford it, I would definitely go back to work. But being a SAHM is really important to me.

 

[LucyLadyBug]

As I'm still wtt for our first I can only say what our plans for ttc in 2/3 years are at the moment. As a side note I'm in a polyamorous relationship, so I actual have two male OHs. Currently I am the main breadwinner and work part time (21h). There's a lot of overtime though and I'm being trained for a full time + promotion role. To take effect in a few months. OH1 is retraining as a chilcare worker and looking for part time work whilst he studies, and OH2 recently lost his job so is job hunting.

Ideally when we have our first OH1 will have completed training and working in a nursery, either part or full time, OH2 will be working probably part time, and I will be ready if not already optioned for the next level of management training. I legally get 9 months maternity leave with my workso will probably take it, but sadly cannot see myself being a sahm. The benefit of 2 OHs though is good. Between the three of us we can balance the income, chores and childcare so it will be affordable. But I'd still like our child to go to daycare (possibly where OH is working at least one day a week in order to make new friends.

 

[GreyGirl]

As I'm still wtt for our first I can only say what our plans for ttc in 2/3 years are at the moment. As a side note I'm in a polyamorous relationship, so I actual have two male OHs. Currently I am the main breadwinner and work part time (21h). There's a lot of overtime though and I'm being trained for a full time + promotion role. To take effect in a few months. OH1 is retraining as a chilcare worker and looking for part time work whilst he studies, and OH2 recently lost his job so is job hunting.

Ideally when we have our first OH1 will have completed training and working in a nursery, either part or full time, OH2 will be working probably part time, and I will be ready if not already optioned for the next level of management training. I legally get 9 months maternity leave with my workso will probably take it, but sadly cannot see myself being a sahm. The benefit of 2 OHs though is good. Between the three of us we can balance the income, chores and childcare so it will be affordable. But I'd still like our child to go to daycare (possibly where OH is working at least one day a week in order to make new friends.

I've never heard of polyamorous relationships before, only polygamous. Really interesting Is it a religious or lifestyle thing if you don't mind me asking?

I myself am a part timer at my job. It was important for me to keep my hand in (literally as I'm a BSL interpreter) my job so I didn't lose my skills for later on. I enjoy working 2 days a week to ensure we have enough to survive more comfortably on (we could possibly survive on OH's wage alone....barely) and to try and get a good balance of both worlds. DD has benefited from being at the nursery where I work, and I've benefited from being myself once in a while. I wouldn't choose to work full time and I know I'm fortunate I don't have to. I know others who do and I think it's important to remember that every situation is unique.

Only you will know when the time comes what works for you.

 

[kcbmama]

Hello, I'm WTT for our 3rd and I'm a SAHM.
I worked up until I was 38 weeks with DD1 and was set to go back to work when she was 7mo. The role having been through a temp agency was no longer available and others were not going to be viable due to the hours and daycare costs which we worked out would mean I would've brought home £10! We're in a lucky position where we can afford for me to SAH but obviously it's not long term hence we're bringing forward having a third. I never had a career per say and I would love to have something on the go when I'm 35 that will see me through to retirement.
I think that's the difference, if I had had a job or career to go back too, I probably would've gone back. I love being at home with my LO's but I miss a wage and although motherhood is fulfilling, there are things I want to achieve outside of the home that a second income would help happen. I see myself probably going back when then next one is around 2 years old.