Scan in 4 days. Feel awful for anxiety & fear!

[Buttercup_Way]

Hello,

I'm not entirely sure where to start but I'm looking for some support with how I'm currently feeling if anyone has a few seconds to read my post id be so grateful.
As my title states, I have my 20 week scan in 4 days, Wednesday 15th Feb at 4pm. I already have 2 little girls at home who are my entire world and I'm so lucky to have them but this pregnancy is definitely my last and my heart is aching for a baby boy.
Ive had 2 MMC's previously and at my last ERPC in January 2016, one of the nurses who sat with me whilst I was awaiting theatre asked if id ever contemplated the fact that I cannot carry boys. That perhaps my 2 MMC's were in fact boys and I cannot carry them past 12 weeks. It kind of broke me to hear that, and my husband didn't take it very well and from it, actually made the decision not to try again. We discussed the decision for a 3rd baby in depth and my husband felt that although he wasn't keen to try again because the chances, in his eyes, of having a boy are so small, he believed that my passion to have one seriously outweighed his not too and he will love this baby no matter what the outcome so he agreed this would be our last.
So, the 12 week scan came and went, uploaded the scan photo to this site and another for people to guess - And so far, every single guess has been girl!
I'm so anxious about my scan Wednesday! I have told my husband, and he agrees, that we will ask the sonographer to write the gender on a piece of paper for us to read in the car just because I don't want to show her any disappointment if she turns around and says it a girl.
Please don't get me wrong, no matter what happens I will love and cherish this little one just as I do my other 2 but the thought of being told its another girl is scaring me because I feel terrible for thinking it but also I feel like I'm letting my husband down (he would never think that of me) but I cant help how I feel.

I'm trying my hardest to convince myself now that its a girl, I have since the 12 week scan, but until I have that confirmation, I cant help but hold onto that 1% hope and its so infuriating!

Thank you for reading this! Just having somewhere to express my feelings helps a lot. I'm trying to be strong and convince everyone around me that its a girl because the amount of people putting thoughts into my head 'you never know' is just giving me a headache!

Thank you in advance for any replies!

 

[mummy2_1]

Good luck with your scan on Wednesday I hope you read ur preferred gender but any outcome hope u have a happy remainder of ur pregnancy and healthy baby.x

 

[jtink28]

i think the nurse that suggested you cannot carry boys was VERY out of line. it was inappropriate AND incorrect of her to say that. what an awful thing to say with no medical proof, and right after a miscarriage.

i have two boys, and won't be trying for a third, so i understand your feelings of possible loss. i had to get over and grieve the fact that i'd never have a daughter.

hugs, mama. sending you boy vibes!

 

[Buttercup_Way]

i think the nurse that suggested you cannot carry boys was VERY out of line. it was inappropriate AND incorrect of her to say that. what an awful thing to say with no medical proof, and right after a miscarriage.

i have two boys, and won't be trying for a third, so i understand your feelings of possible loss. i had to get over and grieve the fact that i'd never have a daughter.

hugs, mama. sending you boy vibes!

I've had that response by most people. My husband in particular wasn't happy because I awoke from the surgery in quite a state. It sat with us for a long time and had a major impact on our decision for a third. Now that pressure is lingering over us.

Thank you for your kind words of support. I'm sorry you had to deal with the same loss for a daughter

Holding onto those boy vibes!!!

 

[MemmaJ]

I've just had a look at your 12 week scan picture and there's no nub visible on it - were you given any more pictures or just the one..?

I honestly understand that terrifying feeling of anxiety and nerves and guilt, and everything else that goes with it. There's nothing I can really say because those feelings will still be there, but just know that it is completely 'normal' and you are not a bad person for feeling that way at all.

 

[Buttercup_Way]

I've just had a look at your 12 week scan picture and there's no nub visible on it - were you given any more pictures or just the one..?

I honestly understand that terrifying feeling of anxiety and nerves and guilt, and everything else that goes with it. There's nothing I can really say because those feelings will still be there, but just know that it is completely 'normal' and you are not a bad person for feeling that way at all.

Thank you for a lovely message - Your support really means a lot.
I think the hardest part is getting my head around the loss of a boy ill never have. Ill adore a little girl like I do my other 2, she will be another little miracle in my eyes, I guess my heart has always wanted a little boy and that's what is difficult. But, I'm really trying to be positive and put my focus on little ones nursery, I'm already looking at girls colours and different styles for her bedding, think in my head I'm trying to get my head around it before Wednesdays scan.

I was only given 2 pictures unfortunately. Ill upload them both and see what you think. Do you think, if the nub isn't visible that perhaps everyone has been guessing girl based on the skull perhaps? It just sat with me that every single response came back girl.

Thank you again for your message, really made me smile

 

[MemmaJ]

Aw you're welcome!
Hmmm there might be a nub on the first one actually..: what exact gestation was the scan ...?

 

[Buttercup_Way]

Exactly 12 weeks so I know its very early for a nub guess? Are you leaning girl as well? Xx

 

[MemmaJ]

I wouldn't lean either way at 12 weeks exactly, as all nubs start out looking flat/girl-like until about 12+4

 

[Buttercup_Way]

Okay, thank you hun! I promise to update as soon as I'm home Wednesday! Fingers crossed! Xx

 

[c.m.c]

Good luck with your scan.

In my opinion that's extremely unprofessional of that midwife ti say that. That makes so many ladies feel like it's their fault.

Did you ever have the gender of your MMC confirmed? If not, then they were prob miscarriages which sadly happens 25% of the time.

One of my very good friends, her mum had multiple MCs and had 2 daughters, so Is convinced she couldn't carry a boy. My poor friend had a daughter then 3 MMCs.... well she just had a healthy baby boy last year and I was so delighted that she has a daughter and a son, as it puts that all to rest!!!
Unless you r MMC was confirmed boy then please please don't assume that's why it happened.

You have every chance of having a baby boy and I hope you hear blue on wed.


I'm having my 3rd girl... I'm okay I know it will be lovely fir me as I get older but I feel
So bad for my DH

 

[Amygdala]

I agree with pps, that nurse was very unprofessional and completely out of line. It is very, very unlikely that someone "can't carry a boy". Even in cases where specifically male babies are lost, it's the combination of the parents' genes that makes it so, not the mother's body. So no, it is not your (or your body's) fault. I've had two mmcs and an early mc myself and have two children of the same gender and of course I've heard that same line, although not from a health professional who should know better. But think about it: the chances of two children being the same rather than different genders are 0.5. Half of all women who have miscarriages and two living children will have children of the same gender. Yet the chances of having a genetic condition that causes one gender to be lost are much, much smaller. So she definitely had no business suggesting that. I hope you get your boy but if you don't, don't feel bad about wanting one. You know yourself that you are going to love another little girl just as much as your other two. Having a preference now won't mean anything once they're here.

 

[Wish85]

I wish you all the best for your scan on Wednesday Buttercup and I'm sending you every bit of boy vibes I possibly can!!

Is what the midwife said even possible? I've never heard of not being able to carry one gender? I'm not sure I quite understand if that's even scientifically plausible. Either way, she should have used tact and not said it anyway. Some people just don't have filters!

 

[Buttercup_Way]

Good luck with your scan.

In my opinion that's extremely unprofessional of that midwife ti say that. That makes so many ladies feel like it's their fault.

Did you ever have the gender of your MMC confirmed? If not, then they were prob miscarriages which sadly happens 25% of the time.

One of my very good friends, her mum had multiple MCs and had 2 daughters, so Is convinced she couldn't carry a boy. My poor friend had a daughter then 3 MMCs.... well she just had a healthy baby boy last year and I was so delighted that she has a daughter and a son, as it puts that all to rest!!!
Unless you r MMC was confirmed boy then please please don't assume that's why it happened.

You have every chance of having a baby boy and I hope you hear blue on wed.


I'm having my 3rd girl... I'm okay I know it will be lovely fir me as I get older but I feel
So bad for my DH

Thank you for your kind supportive message. Read it late last night and it really helped! Congratulations on your 3rd baby girl!!!

It was never confirmed that id lost 2 boys no, your right, completely, I don't think ive looked at it like that. I think when I lost the first, I always wondered what it was id lost, then to go on and have 2 girls made me question whether id get my boy and then to lose again and be asked (awaiting my ERPC to have the pregnancy removed I might add, literally led there waiting for the doors to theatre to be opened) whether id ever thought I cant carry boys past 12 weeks was just an awful thing to contemplate. Since then, it remained with me... And my husband! At the time I never really thought about how inappropriate it was for her to tell me that, she was telling me about her Mother who had the same problem so I think I was almost too lost in the idea she could be right to question what she was saying. She didn't say it in a way to upset me I don't think, she was an elderly lady and I think it was something she genuinely believes in and she just shared her story with me.

Looking back it makes me quite sad! I wish I hadn't told my husband when I got back from recovery but I wasn't expecting us both to take it quite so to heart as we did.

I am praying that the 1% shred of hope I have left comes through for me on Wednesday! I don't want to admit it because I'm trying to hard not to think about it. But as you said, I will adore a little girl and once shes here, omg, it will be amazing. I know my struggle is just missing the boy I'm convinced ill never have but like you have said, and others have agreed, there is no reason my chances aren't as good as anyone else to have either gender.

You really have helped me though, thank you, so much for that

I agree with pps, that nurse was very unprofessional and completely out of line. It is very, very unlikely that someone "can't carry a boy". Even in cases where specifically male babies are lost, it's the combination of the parents' genes that makes it so, not the mother's body. So no, it is not your (or your body's) fault. I've had two mmcs and an early mc myself and have two children of the same gender and of course I've heard that same line, although not from a health professional who should know better. But think about it: the chances of two children being the same rather than different genders are 0.5. Half of all women who have miscarriages and two living children will have children of the same gender. Yet the chances of having a genetic condition that causes one gender to be lost are much, much smaller. So she definitely had no business suggesting that. I hope you get your boy but if you don't, don't feel bad about wanting one. You know yourself that you are going to love another little girl just as much as your other two. Having a preference now won't mean anything once they're here.

Thank you for your message! Really means a lot. As ive stated above in reply, your right as well. She shouldn't have said what she said to me, to anyone actually especially given what I was awaiting surgery for. If I hadn't been told that, especially by a medical professional, maybe the doubts wouldn't have haunted me this long. And although ill stand by my strength not to think I'm having a boy, in reality you are 100% right, I do have every chance of both. Deep down I probably know and believe its pot luck, but ive never really seen it any other way than how me and my husband were feeling.

Thank you so much for replying. As ive said I will update after the scan!

I wish you all the best for your scan on Wednesday Buttercup and I'm sending you every bit of boy vibes I possibly can!!

Is what the midwife said even possible? I've never heard of not being able to carry one gender? I'm not sure I quite understand if that's even scientifically plausible. Either way, she should have used tact and not said it anyway. Some people just don't have filters!

Thank you very much! I'm holding onto all the boy vibes so keep them coming!

I don't think she was a midwife, she was a lady waiting with me whilst I went in for surgery. She could of been of course but I wasn't under that impression, she walked me into theatre and took all my obs etc and helped put me under the general. I think, as the other ladies above have said, there are no scientific studies to suggest my fears (and many others) have any merit. I think its more a fear, probably based on my experience, that I'm under this illusion. The fact that I wanted a boy for so long, and knowing how much my husband does too, just added to the loss I was already feeling!

Will keep you all posted!

All you ladies have been so supportive. Your keeping me going through these next few days and I'm so grateful for that!

 

[Xpecta]

I definitely know the feeling. It doesn't mean that you're a bad person at all. I'm glad you're so comforted by all the kind words on here.

As for the scan pictures, going by the scull, the first one definitely looks boy to me. Second one looks more girly. Soooooo I guess it's not much help Hahaha. I really hope you hear blue!! I also hope you can sleep tonight and get through the day until your ultrasound.

 

[MemmaJ]

Thinking of you today, we will be waiting for your news

 

[Buttercup_Way]

I definitely know the feeling. It doesn't mean that you're a bad person at all. I'm glad you're so comforted by all the kind words on here.

As for the scan pictures, going by the scull, the first one definitely looks boy to me. Second one looks more girly. Soooooo I guess it's not much help Hahaha. I really hope you hear blue!! I also hope you can sleep tonight and get through the day until your ultrasound.

Thank you for your reply! Comforting to know I'm not alone in this feeling

Only 5 hrs to go! Feel so nervous. Distracting myself as much as possible. Husband thinks itll be strange to have the lady write the gender on a piece of paper so he thinks itll be better to ask her if she can tell us after the scan on our way out! I'm not sure. Ill see what happens and how I feel at the time. The chances are ill see it during the scan. I remember seeing those white lines which indicated a girl both times previously, there is just something about hearing those words if that makes sense. But, today is the day and ill know what I'm having so its now a case of sitting tight until 4pm and hearing the outcome.

Will update as soon as I'm home!!

 

[Jessicahide]

I definitely know the feeling. It doesn't mean that you're a bad person at all. I'm glad you're so comforted by all the kind words on here.

As for the scan pictures, going by the scull, the first one definitely looks boy to me. Second one looks more girly. Soooooo I guess it's not much help Hahaha. I really hope you hear blue!! I also hope you can sleep tonight and get through the day until your ultrasound.

Thank you for your reply! Comforting to know I'm not alone in this feeling

Only 5 hrs to go! Feel so nervous. Distracting myself as much as possible. Husband thinks itll be strange to have the lady write the gender on a piece of paper so he thinks itll be better to ask her if she can tell us after the scan on our way out! I'm not sure. Ill see what happens and how I feel at the time. The chances are ill see it during the scan. I remember seeing those white lines which indicated a girl both times previously, there is just something about hearing those words if that makes sense. But, today is the day and ill know what I'm having so its now a case of sitting tight until 4pm and hearing the outcome.

Will update as soon as I'm home!!

Thinking of you xxxxx

 

[6lilpigs]

Best of luck for blue today buttercup xxxx

 

[Xpecta]

I really hope that baby cooperates!! In my last ultrasound the baby would give up the goods so we couldn't find out!!