Scared!

[WackyMumof2]

So hubby and I have decided we need to separate until I can get the right help in place for my anger issues. Beginning to suspect IED but will need the GP to confirm that. I've been in denial for so long and thought I had it under control. So it's looking like it's back onto the Prozac, under a Psychologist as well as my GP and some serious CBT to help me understand and control my anger. He's at his mother's with DS1 and DS2, I'm here at home with DS3 and we are trying to keep things as normal as we can by him coming home every night for dinner with the kids. We are on good terms but the anger is affecting the kids - more often than not I'm not even aware of it. He still loves me, he's still supportive of me but until I'm on the right track, he can't be here and the kids don't need to be affected by it. He still plans on being at the birth which I want anyhow as well as being home for a few days after. If all goes to plan with getting these things in place for me, he'll try a couple of weeks back at home to help support me but the boys will remain with their grandmother for a further 6-8 weeks just until we know for sure though I have said I want them at home at least 1 night each a week. Bit further down the line as I learn to control my emotions I'll have them both at home together. But I am so scared that I'm not going to be able to get hold of him when I go into labour because he's such a heavy sleeper and will easily sleep through a ringing phone. I can't do this on my own if I can't drive in labour so I'll have DS3 to deal with as well and labour and birth on my own. I know I'm in a better position than most solo parents at the moment as there is hope for us (he didn't want to leave but he had no choice) but the reality that I could have this baby on my own in my home with a scared toddler scares me. I'm not allowed a home birth because of GD and if I do go into labour late at night, I'm f**ked. I have arrangements in place for DS3 but it's not recommended to drive in labour and in all honesty, it's not something I want to risk nor do I want to turn up at MIL's in labour looking for hubby because she's got a full house (a house guest I CAN'T stand) and for me, labour isn't a public event. Has anyone else had these fears? Please tell me I'm not being irrational?

 

[Bonnie11]

Wow wacky sounds like you are having a run of it! Is this something that has started recently or has it always been an issue? Pregnancy hormones can do crazy things, I told my husband I wanted to split up a couple of months ago, just couldn't stand him for ages but luckily quick as it came a month or so later it wrnt and we were good again. Don't get me wrong he still pisses me off loads but I do know it's partly the hormones too! And honestly he has been so amazing with my SPD he literally does everything for me and I feel so useless and shit but I know it's no ones fault.

I think you need to be really honest with him as much as you can. It's hard when you're already arguing but at other times a text or something can mean a lot. It sounds like you've both been through the mill.
As for labour, is there any reason you can't take ds3 to grandmas too? One less thing to worry about. I think you are doing the right thing by keeping the kids out of it as much as you can but it's still a lot to cope with by yourself. Can you not call MIL phone if you go into labour and she can wake him? Hopefully you will have some time between labour sighs and things getting properly going so will be enough time to get hold of him. If its at night then your son will be sleeping anyway so don't worry so much about that. I hope things work out for you, make sure your midwife is aware of all this so they. And get you the help you need xx

 

[WackyMumof2]

Wow wacky sounds like you are having a run of it! Is this something that has started recently or has it always been an issue? Pregnancy hormones can do crazy things, I told my husband I wanted to split up a couple of months ago, just couldn't stand him for ages but luckily quick as it came a month or so later it wrnt and we were good again. Don't get me wrong he still pisses me off loads but I do know it's partly the hormones too! And honestly he has been so amazing with my SPD he literally does everything for me and I feel so useless and shit but I know it's no ones fault.

I think you need to be really honest with him as much as you can. It's hard when you're already arguing but at other times a text or something can mean a lot. It sounds like you've both been through the mill.
As for labour, is there any reason you can't take ds3 to grandmas too? One less thing to worry about. I think you are doing the right thing by keeping the kids out of it as much as you can but it's still a lot to cope with by yourself. Can you not call MIL phone if you go into labour and she can wake him? Hopefully you will have some time between labour sighs and things getting properly going so will be enough time to get hold of him. If its at night then your son will be sleeping anyway so don't worry so much about that. I hope things work out for you, make sure your midwife is aware of all this so they. And get you the help you need xx

Thank you Bonnie11.

No I haven't had a lot of luck lately have I? As for labour, last night was looking promising then the little bugger decided 'nope' and the light contractions died off.

My anger has been an on and off issue for years. Hubby and the kids have always tried to help me, I've sought medical help on several different occasions but the kind of help I was seeking, I wasn't getting. The easy was was to diagnose depression and shove me out the door. I mean, I don't feel depressed but I've felt anger for as long as I can remember - since my early teens at least! Part of it is hormonal but I think a lot of it extends from childhood trauma and I suspect what has caused it but never had it confirmed. Hubby has tried to help so many times, I've done Anger Management courses, parenting etc you name it and it hasn't helped so it's important to find the underlying cause, treat that then worry about parenting strategies. I feel I'll be a lot more successful that way if I'm sorted first.

I've got a couple of friends ready to take Alexander when I go into labour. MIL has a full house at the moment (5 adults, 2 kids in a 2 bedroom), there is nowhere for him to play or sleep safely and I don't like her house guest at all. Biggest concern is that the house guest in question will deal with Alexander's care while I'm in hospital and hubby is with me and I'm trying to avoid that. Also, now that he's walking, with that many people about, our 4K TV in MIL's lounge as well as our PS4 and Xbox One, I don't really want them broken because there is no way now we are able to replace them if that happens. MIL has enough to deal without having to help pay for those. But I rung my phone and Internet provider and because the other half isn't here at the moment changed my plan. I don't see the point in having ultra fast fibre if I don't game online so because that now puts me in credit on my account, I've had the toll bar lifted as well so I can ring my cell which is on him at the moment.

We both feel that it's best our 2 eldest aren't here. Me getting me sorted means I'm going to need to get them sorted and that starts with them not being in the home at the moment. But hubby hopes to be home in a couple of weeks for a trial run and to support me while doing what I need to do. And it will be a further 6-8 weeks at least before I've gotten to a place for the kids to not be affected as well. But I've said I want each one of them home one night a week each after baby arrives but it will be a while before they are home together. With the way those 2 fight I don't want to relapse and loose control again. Time will tell what happens with me and the other half long term but at the moment I'm remaining hopeful.

 

[Cewsbaby]

Im so sorry you are going through this. I wish I had something to say that would help you out. The best thing is that you know something is off and are working to fix it and get back into a better head space.

Sending you lots of positive vibes and light...

 

[Zephram]

Really sorry you're going through this too. I also don't have any useful advice having no experience with the situation, but just wanted to say I'm thinking of you.

Have you tried meditation/mindfulness techniques? Sounds silly probably, but can definitely help with calming down.

 

[WackyMumof2]

Really sorry you're going through this too. I also don't have any useful advice having no experience with the situation, but just wanted to say I'm thinking of you.

Have you tried meditation/mindfulness techniques? Sounds silly probably, but can definitely help with calming down.

Thank you Zephram.

No I haven't. I've never had those options presented to me so I have no idea how I would do it to be honest. But I've been put onto Abraham Hicks on You Tube and that so far, is challanging me to think about things. From here on out, I'm going to try remain positive. I know I've got a hard road to travel and a lot to understand and change but I'm positive I can get there for my family.

 

[WackyMumof2]

Im so sorry you are going through this. I wish I had something to say that would help you out. The best thing is that you know something is off and are working to fix it and get back into a better head space.

Sending you lots of positive vibes and light...

Thank you Cewsbaby.

 

[jessmke]

So sorry you are going through this, the end stages of pregnancy are hard enough on their own! Could your OH have his phone set so it will vibrate as well as ring, and he can sleep with it on his pillow/chest/in his hand or something so that might help wake him up if you go into labour at night?? What about taking a cab to the hospital if you can't reach him? Could you call your MIL and have her go wake him up?

 

[MKaykes]

Sorry you are going through all of this now. It sounds as though you and DH have a plan in place for your future, so that is wonderful. I think it takes a lot of courage to admit that you have some issues and be willing to step up and deal with them. I hope that you can find a doctor who can take a serious look at things and help you work through them for the health of your whole family.

Is MIL's home close by that as long as DH wakes up he can be there quickly? Will your friends who are caring for Alexander be coming to your home to stay with him? If needed could they come and get you and Alexander and drive you and then take Alexander back?

Hopefully you have enough labour signs early that you know it is coming and you have time to get a hold of the necessary people!

 

[WackyMumof2]

I'm just hoping that I go into labour when the other half is awake. He's a terrible insomniac and has been our whole relationship so I'm hoping that will work in my favour. But if he's asleep, a ringing or vibrating phone won't wake him up but should wake up the kids. MIL I don't have a number for. She changes her number so often it's not funny but he's only a 5 minute drive away really. As for the taxi idea, nope. Because the Napier hospital closed years ago and then they shut the new Maternity suite they built several years ago, the closest hospital is about 20 minutes away and I think costs $70 from memory. But I have a friend on speed dial who will come pick up the little guy anyhow. I just don't know how I'm going to install his Diono in her car in the middle of contractions. But I'll send her over to break down MIL's door to wake him up anyhow.

And thank you jessmke and MKaykes. The support on this forum from everyone really is a huge help in keeping me positive. Admitting one has a problem is hard enough but to KNOW when one needs to seek medical attention again is huge!

 

[Bonnie11]

Absolutely you have done the right thing by asking and accepting for help. I hope they take you seriously and see how much it is affecting your life. I would definitely look into meditation/mindufulness. It's a hard skill to learn but so worth it when you get there. In the beginning I thought it would never work but every day for a week or so I practiced and it does get easier. Try the Mindspace app to start with, it starts with a couple of minutes and works up. Good luck, pregnancy hormones are rough enough as it is! X

 

[WackyMumof2]

So hubby and the boys were home for dinner tonite. They have been every night since Monday as hubby and I are still splitting our bills so he's staying with his mother free of charge. As a result, I feel it's only fair that I still provide 3 main meals and I think it's been a positive thing. I don't feel like making dinner is a chore anymore and I actually look forward to the 3 of them walking through the door. Hubby and I are communicating better though he was a bit off tonite and I think that is because of the heat and humidity. They boys were very well behaved for the most part and I didn't have to ask DS2 to behave himself. Him and his older brother did decide they were going to fight at one point with DS2 hitting his older brother and I'm actually VERY surprised in how I reacted. I would normally have lost my shit, yelled at the pair of them, slapped their ass and sent them off to different parts of the house but I separated them and told them to knock it off. DS2 decided he was going to carry on so I told him that I will pick him up tomorrow morning and bring him home while his father and brother go out for free ice-cream up at one of our local tourist attractions. Needless to say, DS2 for a change did not argue the point and I didn't need to repeat myself. DS3 is a lot calmer too I've noticed with nap and bed time being easier than it was and I'm not feeling as angry as I have been in the past. Still, I want to talk to my GP so have kept my appointment because I feel this is something I need to do right and if it starts with medication then that's a reality I'm ready to face.

 

[Talia12]

Aw, glad you had a calmer evening of it, that sounds like great progress and don't worry if it's two steps forward and one step back, just focus on having had a good evening and that there will be more to come.

 

[WackyMumof2]

Aw, glad you had a calmer evening of it, that sounds like great progress and don't worry if it's two steps forward and one step back, just focus on having had a good evening and that there will be more to come.

I mean I know this doesn't promise that this is the beginning of repairing my relationship, nor does it promise that hubby will come back home again for good but it sure is a positive step in the right direction and hopefully a positive change for when he does a trial run at home in a couple of weeks. But time will tell and I remain cautiously optimistic. What ever will be will be and I have to go with that. I can't force it.

Even that said, I DON'T want my 2 eldest back home for a good couple of months either though. Usually by this point I'm falling back into old habits and loosing it with them so I don't want to risk that happening either. But I'm taking them to play with a friend on Monday and then it will be small, gradual steps from there. I've told the other half I want at least one night with each one of them at home during the week but I'm not ready to deal with the explosive arguments between them so won't have them together. While small changes at the moment are a good thing, there need to be more of the right help in place and me learning how to manage my anger before that happens. I owe it to all of us.