"Secret Santa"/ in law vent

[wish4baby]

Very long! Thanks in advance if you actually read through the whole thing lol!!! Just glad to get this off my chest
I am SO annoyed with my in-laws (guess it's that time of year again!)

I bought everyone's gifts, except my kids which I do in Dec, by Thanksgiving.
Last week, my (controlling) SIL decides that instead of buying everyone a gift (read: all my kids) we will do "Secret Santa". Each adult will draw for 1 adult and 1 kid. Problem 1: she tells us last week, after I already purchased our gifts! Who waits till mid December to make that call???

Now, on my inlaws side there are total 3 married couples (including MIL&FIL), a single sister & 1 brother (in prison), 6 kids (5 are ours), 2 step kids (don't come to this Christmas). Not a crazy amount, mostly "us"

Odds are we will draw one of our own kids. Which we did. So, basically 2 of my kids won't be getting anything from any of the ILs...and that bothers me a lot. We asked if we could put them back & redraw and SIL said no, you get who you get.

It's not about "things". my kids have everything they need plus just about anything they want - usually bought by my parents or grandparents (we have a tendency to go way overboard on Christmas in my family lol)
It's the thought, or lack of, that bothers me - my kids are old enough (except the baby) to know that they didn't get a thing from them

Oh, and It's definitely not a money issue (they are well off)
Seriously, could you not pick up 5 candies, or anything? I get it - 5 kids is a lot, but we managed to buy everyone a gift on our measley income (lol) and it's a lot more than just them! My side of the the family has 37 people and every kid under 18 gets gifts from each family unit, which means we bought a lot!

Then on top of it, my darling DH STILL wants to give everyone the gifts we already bought and I sound so rude saying heck no, if they can't manage to get our kids any little thing why would we bring all these gifts for everyone??? We spent more than $60 on his parents, and on his sister. I'm returning them or giving them to other people!

Oh, and of course- I drew the BIL in prison as my adult, so I get a group text from controlling SIL with a picture of exactly which book to buy him & the address to send it to. What?!

Anyways, I want to say, just pull "us" out and do whatever for everyone else (I'd say something like we aren't doing gifts, or something).
am I over reacting?
What do you think about this whole mess???

 

[staralfur]

Definitely stupid that they wouldn't let you re-draw after getting your own kids' names. That kind of defeats the fun of Secret Santa.

 

[Bex84]

my gosh who decides that in December, I finished shopping way back. I cant understand why they didn't take your kids out for you. I wouldent want to still be giving gifts to people who are so stingy. My gosh 5 kids isn't that bad, especially considering the amount of 3 for 2 promotions and offers

 

[Jes.shortcake]

When my family used to do Secret Santa we pulled names on Thanksgiving and if we pulled a sibling or parents name, we redrew. And it was just for adults..all kids got presents. I don't care if the kids all just get a $5 gift card from Five Below (not sure if y'all have those) and some candy..there all getting something from me. That's how it was when we were kids so I want the younger kids to have that too.

If that's what they wanted to do the those plans should of been clear way before now.

 

[.Mrs.B.]

The whole thing would annoy me. Mid December? Selecting your gift for you? Getting your own kids for secret santa? Whats the point?
Christmas is not all about presents but I would never not get a present for my nieces and nephews on Christmas. I spent about £8 each on them this year and cant wait to see them open it all.

 

[ButterCup17]

I would be furious! I don't blame you, screw them and return the gifts and tell them your not doing it next year. That's ridiculous! And screws the sil and get bil what you want, tell her to worry about her own gifts!

 

[wish4baby]

Thank y'all so much.
I've been feeling really bad about being so annoyed by this! I have a tendency to kinda tap dance around what I really think when my husband & I don't agree...now I feel better being firm about it lol
- We got his mom this huge photo blanket. I got pictures taken of the kids & ordered a really nice blanket with one of the portraits on it. I really was looking forward to giving it to her but now, I'd rather keep it. DH thinks I'm being stingy and should just give it to her...but i don't want to!
And, I got a book for BIL, but a different one lol and I'm not sending it. I'll wrap it up and bring it on Christmas, then they can take it when they go visit him. My passive aggressive side comes out...

 

[SerenityNow]

I would be really irritated. She's done terrible job of running a secret Santa and mid-December is waaaaaay too late to introduce the idea. I would have told her "no" from the get go. Next year, sure, but most people have shopped by now.

It doesn't make sense to include the kids because they aren't buying for anyone. Did all the adults get drawn? Are some people buying gifts for multiple people? I don't understand how it works to have the kids names in the drawing, there are more names in the pot than people buying gifts. LOL. I just don't get it!

I'd probably bite my tongue this year because really, what do you gain from making a fuss besides a more stressful holiday. I'd hold onto the gifts until you draw that person's name some year or give them for birthdays. I'd keep the blanket if I really wanted it, otherwise I'd give it to your MIL anyway. It's the season of giving, yada yada yada.

We've always run ours so everyone buys for the children (Once there were about a dozen children we decided to each give them $5 cash, which is cheap for us and fun for them because they get about $50 all together and can buy themselves something nice) and everyone buys for the grandparents. You redraw if you pull your spouse's name.

 

[wish4baby]

Yeah, I guess it'd just make it stressful for everyone if I said take us out. We'll do it this year but I am going to make a point of (nicely) stating how we had already bought for everyone, then had to go return stuff.

We live far away from them, so I am not really sure how it went. I think there were 2 pots - 1 for adult and 1 for kids, and each adult drew from each
I don't know who drew and is shopping for BIL in prison but since I drew him, he must be playing (this is his first holiday away and they're all really upset over it). SIL FaceTimed my DH and showed him his names & had her friend draw for me and text me my names.

I am able to use or return everything, luckily. I am keeping the blanket it's not returnable & the picture is current, so no use saving it until later. I wrapped it up and put to mom & dad from the kids...now he can't do something irritating like give it anyway

Your secret santa sounds great! I like $5 per kid from everyone, that makes sense maybe I'll throw that idea out while we're there.

 

[smoore]

I'd probably still give to the grandpa/grandma (mil/fil) even if you label it from the kids. The rest I would just do the one you drew. How stupid that she wouldn't let you redraw for kids that aren't yours.

I buy for my siblings & spouses and all my nephews. They do the same. I would definitely tell them where to stuff the idea if they suggested that mid December and I knew for absolute sure it wasn't financial (some people appear well off but are super credit poor -- spending way more than they should on credit etc)

 

[Wish4another1]

Wow I can't believe this happened to someone else - my SIL. Text me two days ago an announces that she n my brother aren't buying for anyone!!!! I have already bought for everybody! (I have a brother and sister with families)
I said I am giving the gifts anyway ! She's just being a baby!!!!
I don't care if we only buy for kids or don't buy gifts at all but don't tell me mid December !!!
Good for you on how you handled the situation!!!

 

[Quartz]

From what you have said I wonder if BIL in prison is not the driving force. Have they bought presents for everyone before? If so it maybe that they were trying to think of a way to include him in so he could buy and send one present (maybe he can only receive one present in prison as well) and they did not want him left out.

I would suggest the limit as well for the kids, it sounds like most of the others are childless as well and that can be quite daunting and expensive shopping for children. My SIL and her OH dont have children so at CHristmas we buy them both presents and then they buy our two children presents and just get us something small so its quite even in what everyone pays out

 

[TwilightAgain]

Wow I can't believe this happened to someone else - my SIL. Text me two days ago an announces that she n my brother aren't buying for anyone!!!! I have already bought for everybody! (I have a brother and sister with families)
I said I am giving the gifts anyway ! She's just being a baby!!!!
I don't care if we only buy for kids or don't buy gifts at all but don't tell me mid December !!!
Good for you on how you handled the situation!!!

I don't think she is being a baby. Maybe something cropped up and now they can't afford gifts? Luckily this year I'd already done my shopping so when things took an unexpected turn in November, had I of not already been done, I too would of been saying no gifts. I get that's its a pain if you've already done your shopping but you never know what's going on behind closed doors - our families for example are unaware of the financial implications of the blip we have encountered.

To the OP, that's rubbish that you have to buy for your own kids, it's seems so daft to do a secret Santa as obviously they'll get gifts from you anyway. If I were you I'd take everything back you'd bought and screw what your partner said, no way would I hand them all out.

 

[wish4baby]

Yeah, usually they buy gifts for everyone...idk why it's different this year. Maybe BIL is the reason, but he's never bought presents before, he usually just adds his name on whatever his parents give - sometimes he didn't even come down from his bedroom or home from wherever he was to celebrate with the family (he's 34 & still lived at home).
Mostly I just wish dh's parents would buy something small for each kid
Next year we're renting a cabin somewhere far away, in the snow, and that's that lol none of this crap lol

 

[smoore]

My ex's family used to do an exchange at their family gathering because the family had just gotten too big. However, each individual family unit still bought for everyone (so all brothers and sisters/nieces and nephews/mom and dad/gparents and gkids). It was more like cousins/aunts/uncles/etc didn't exchange with everyone, just their one exchange person.

 

[adrie]

I hear ya about the Secret Santa thing. In my opinion, gifts are really just for the kids.

We used to do a Secret Santa thing with some extended family members, but it was annoying to me b/c everyone else would just state what they wanted. And someone would always buy me a shirt or a sweater. I was in my mid 20s--I don't need/want my cousins or their parents buying me clothes. It bothered me b/c it just seemed like no thought was put into the gift, like my cousin just went into some random store and bought the first thing she saw. Meanwhile, I always tried to get something neat or unexpected.

Then one year, my brother went to my aunt and uncle's for Christmas alone (his choice, he was invited with us too) and everyone bought him an individual gift, while he came with nothing. It may seem weird, but as adults we really don't shop for each other, and I'm sure they knew he wouldn't spend hundreds on gifts for everyone. I think they ought to have just pitched in and bought him a gift card or something. I understand that is their tradition now, but that situation just bothered me. If I had went, I would have brought a hostess gift and my two cousins 3 children a gift each and that's it.