Selfish post - struggling with sil’s pnd

[red_head]

So I apologise if this offends anyone, it’s only my opinion and my opinion is often wrong!
I’ve has a really hard time ttc, and recently had a second trimester loss. Needless to say I am very sensitive about this stuff. So this was one factor in deleteing all my social media - Facebook, twitter etc, a couple years ago. I think it’s all a bit weird and also couldn’t stand all the pregnancy announcements! The only thing I still have is Instagram, and I use that to help with mindfulness - I don’t post a lot but like looking at nature photos etc and seeing what my close friends are up to.
Anyway my problem is my sister in law - she had pnd after her first child who is now four. She’s just had her second child. All she does is moan about it. Her pnd has all stemmed from the fact she likes to be in control o everything and do what she wants to do, and she doesn’t like having to give things up, independence including. I think in some ways that’s become almost fashionable to moan about how you can’t drink when you want or have to do stuff for your child instead of what you want to do (and I know that’s controversial so I apologise if that offends anyone). There is lots of stuff in magazines and on Facebook I’ve heard of about mums who want to drink gin and shirk their parental responsibility, and it’s funny to an extent when it’s tongue in cheek, but there comes a point when I just think - did these people actually want to be parents? Do they not get what that means? It’s like they expect a baby to slot into their life and keep quiet while they socialise, rather than actually being a parent, looking after a tiny human you’ve created, that is totally dependant on you. It’s really pissing me off! She knew the issues from the first time round, she knew what to expect and knew what she’d have to give up. She chose to have another baby, but she is not appreciating or enjoying a second of it. She posts literally daily about how the baby won’t sleep, how she can’t do what she wants, that she wants to go out with her friends, how she’s fed up of crying babies, and then she’s getting all this praise from her friends for speaking out and how hard it is to give up your independence and how awful it is when they’re babies and it’ll be fine in a few years. I would kill to give up my independence and have a baby!! I would do anything to have what she has. And I know this resentment is from my jealousy, and I’m probably being unkind and nasty, but it’s so unfair!! I know what she’s going through is something I can’t understand but she knows what we went through, just weeks ago, and about a month after she gave birth, so you’d think she would try and be sensitive or that may put things in perspective.
I don’t know whether to delete her from my instagram and try and avoid her and not speak to her irl (which I have done to an extent anyway). The problem is she will know I’ve done it, and I think that’ll cause tension I don’t want. I don’t want to have to delete it completely but I guess that’s an option.
Am I just being thoughtless and cruel? Has anyone else experienced similar?

 

[Stardustbby]

Yes, you are. That's like saying that people shouldn't complain about all their first world problems where there are starving kids in Africa and wars going on in other countries.

I get what you mean, but you've got to let it go.

 

[red_head]

So how do I do that?

 

[LadyLovenox]

Red...I dont think you're being thoughtless or cruel. I think you're a human with human emotions. And I think anyone in your shoes would feel that way. I struggled tremendously for my first baby and when ttc i was so annoyed with people complaining about their pregnancies. I would have loved morning sickness and exhaustion if it meant i was growing my long awaited baby. And here they were, taking it for granted. Anyone would feel annoyed by that. But then when it's someone who you know personally and should be more sensitive to your feelings, it's even worse. When I was pregnant w my second child i had hypermesis and threw up every single day, all day long. Hospitalized twice. But i never mentioned it on social media nor did i complain to anyone but my mom bc you just never know who is struggling, and to me it's just etiquette to consider other ppls feelings. For example, I've always been thin... but right now I'd like to lose about 10 lbs. That would get me back to the 120s. However, I'm not going to discuss my frustration about my extra 10 lbs with my friends are very overweight. Its just rude bc they may have a hundred pounds they'd like to lose, so my 10 lbs seems ridiculous to fuss over, and almost selfish to be upset about when I'm already at a weight they would desire to be. I hope that analogy makes sense. Anyway, try to rise above it. Take the high road and reflect on how you'll have more consideration when YOU are the one who is pregnant/ parenting. If it keeps bothering you, maybe bring it up to her? Or is there an option on instagram to unfollow without unfriending like you can on fb? I'm sorry you're dealing with not just this, but everything you've been through. This is a hard season of your life, for sure. But you're strong. And much better days lie ahead.

 

[chellesama]

I've been avoiding your journal Red, trying to find the right words to say, but you know what? I don't think they exist. So, for what it's worth, all I can think is "What a sh*tty, awful thing to have happen. I'm sorry for you and your husband, and I'm sorry your baby didn't get to come home and grow up with you. It's just sh*tty."

Now, as for this issue, I do have things to say, and I hope they're helpful. First, this is not on you. You are NOT being thoughtless or cruel (if you were, you'd be yelling in her face) you're just reacting to your own pain and loss and that's really, really normal.

Second, you've recognized that she had and probably has pnd, so bonus points there because you didn't just call her a whiny b*tch. You know there's something wrong other than her attitude, and that's more than a lot of people can say!

Third, you're going to have to say something. With pnd, I'm willing to bet that she's actually masking "I hate myself, I hate my life, I hate everything, why can't it all just STOP" with her complaints about smaller things. I don't have pnd, but that's what I've done when I had depressive episodes in the past. You let out little bits that can be brushed off because you can't hold it in and you can't bear to talk about it. But it's hurting you, too, and you aren't in a position to help her without doing real damage to yourself (and possibly her, too.)

So. Drama free freedom for you both? Tell her that you're sorry she's feeling so much pressure from motherhood, but given your recent loss, you're afraid to make things worse (for both of you) if you get too involved with her right now. Tell her you care a whole lot about her and you hope that she finds someone who can help her with her pnd/depression/stress (whatever you think she'll respond best to) and if she really needs you, if she feels like she or the kids are in real trouble, she can come to you, but you're going to step back for X amount of time. Give a definite time period, 6 months, 4 months, a year, and you'll check in then, or hope she'll check in with you then, and it's nothing personal, you just think it's what'll be best for both of you. She won't feel bad or worry about making you feel bad by saying what she needs to get off her chest, and you won't have to feel bad if you say something or if something she says hurts you (and that's what it is, but drama free makes it about the other person so they can't complain). She wanted this second baby, and it's okay to admit that what she wanted is harder than she'd thought it would be, but you can't bear to hear that right now. And then give a time when you're going to check out on her so she can say goodbye or agree to the check in date or apologize or whatever. (If you think she'll tolerate the suggest of therapy, please, please, please suggest it to her. She'd ask for help if she needed to move a couch, why not get help to move a persistent bad feeling?)

Fourth, a lot of people DON'T know what it means to become a parent, Red. It's so overemphasized and glamorized (in family, in church, the media, history!) that most people really don't get that you give up starring in your own life for a long, long time. By that time you figure THAT out, it's sink or swim.

Life is a mess, Red. You're doing the best you can, so go easy on your SIL and yourself. If the good wishes of an Internet stranger have any effect at all on life, you have mine. I hope things start to go your way soon.

Chelle

 

[red_head]

Thank you both so much. I’m so glad you understand; I’ve been feeling like a monster and to have you say those things has made me feel more human! Thank you both for the advice - chelle that is so sweet of you (it teared me up reading it) and I am going to do what you say - I think you’re completely right honesty is the best policy and I think you are right she will understand.
Thank you xx