Setting a TTC date?

[BrittneyAnne]

Hey ladies!

I'm looking for some advice! My husband and I have been married for 2 years. I know he really wants to have all of our "ducks in a row" before we start having children. We aren't in the bed financial situation but we're doing alright. We own our house and both have stable jobs. We do have a to-do list of thing we want to do to the house but that takes time. The las few year I've been desperately wanting a baby. About a year or so ago I brought it up to him. However, he didn't want to talk about it am kind of shut me down without much discussion. Now I really want to talk to him about deciding on a TTC date. I honestly thought w would have kids by now. I figure if we determine a TTC date at least I'll have a goal.and can start preparing (physically, financially, emotionally, etc). So my question is... how do I bring this up to him? The last time I tried discussing kids with him I got so discouraged and kin of heart broken. I don't wan that to.happen to me again.

Thanks in advance!

 

[swedengirl]

Hey there!

Oh I was where you were for a while. Had a serious case of the baby fever and the control freak in me wanted to know an exact "when". Every time I would bring it up I would be met with a "I am not ready" and then I would ask "when will you be?" and would be met with "I don't know. Look I am not there lets talk about it when I am".

It would leave me frustrated, disheartened, teary and it would actually leave me with this physical ache in my stomach. A part of me would get mad at him but the rational side of me knew he had a right to feel this way and also loved him for not rushing in to a decision.

The problem I felt was that I didn't know when to bring it up. I felt he would get annoyed when I did, but I wanted to keep it being an active discussion. This led to us both feeling like the fun was being taken out of this beautiful thing as we both were meeting in the discussion negatively.

Soooo... what did I do? After realising the above I sat down and explained to him that I had baby fever, that I would start TTC today if I could but that I respected that he wasn't ready. However, for me to feel calm and OK about waiting that I wanted to set a date every few months where we would revisit it. This meant he was prepared for the discussion and I felt like we were moving forward. It also meant that the negativity got removed. I think I always broached the topic when I was feeling down about the whole thing before and so it helped I wasn't approaching it when I was feeling crappy about waiting!

In addition, I felt a lot of his hesitation came from the practical side of things. Similarly to you we are in a good situation but I think he needed to feel we were more adequately prepared. So I also one random evening brought up the fact that maybe we should think about budgeting our savings for saving towards our next house purchase. This was not actually my aim but I thought if he could see that we had the excess money for buying a house (when we are in a three bedroom apartment so really do not need to move) that this might make him feel more ready.

Then two months later with saving more than expected (I really really budgeted those two months) at our next "talk time". Boom he said he was ready and suggested we have a TTC date!

Sorry way longer than I thought... But hopefully this helps!

Here when you need to chat. I know this is really hard...

 

[BrittneyAnne]

Hey there!

Oh I was where you were for a while. Had a serious case of the baby fever and the control freak in me wanted to know an exact "when". Every time I would bring it up I would be met with a "I am not ready" and then I would ask "when will you be?" and would be met with "I don't know. Look I am not there lets talk about it when I am".

It would leave me frustrated, disheartened, teary and it would actually leave me with this physical ache in my stomach. A part of me would get mad at him but the rational side of me knew he had a right to feel this way and also loved him for not rushing in to a decision.

The problem I felt was that I didn't know when to bring it up. I felt he would get annoyed when I did, but I wanted to keep it being an active discussion. This led to us both feeling like the fun was being taken out of this beautiful thing as we both were meeting in the discussion negatively.

Soooo... what did I do? After realising the above I sat down and explained to him that I had baby fever, that I would start TTC today if I could but that I respected that he wasn't ready. However, for me to feel calm and OK about waiting that I wanted to set a date every few months where we would revisit it. This meant he was prepared for the discussion and I felt like we were moving forward. It also meant that the negativity got removed. I think I always broached the topic when I was feeling down about the whole thing before and so it helped I wasn't approaching it when I was feeling crappy about waiting!

In addition, I felt a lot of his hesitation came from the practical side of things. Similarly to you we are in a good situation but I think he needed to feel we were more adequately prepared. So I also one random evening brought up the fact that maybe we should think about budgeting our savings for saving towards our next house purchase. This was not actually my aim but I thought if he could see that we had the excess money for buying a house (when we are in a three bedroom apartment so really do not need to move) that this might make him feel more ready.

Then two months later with saving more than expected (I really really budgeted those two months) at our next "talk time". Boom he said he was ready and suggested we have a TTC date!

Sorry way longer than I thought... But hopefully this helps!

Here when you need to chat. I know this is really hard...

Thank you so much for replying! I totally feel like I am in the same spot you were. I usually bring it up after it has been on my mind for days, so then I'm already frustrated. I've tried telling myself that I won't bring it up until he does, but I honestly don't know if he ever will. I feel like now's the time for us and his best friends wife is pregnant so I'm hoping that knowing that will help sway his decision.

 

[lilmisscaviar]

They say talking with men is the best way to solve issues but my DH is the kind that is very non-communicative when it comes to issues and doesn't like to be pressed. Getting frustrated would always make him resort back to his old ways of ignoring the problem. My suggestion would be to take him out on a date night, like to a dinner and a movie or something, give him a good time and bring it up when you get home. Tell him how you're feeling. This always worked for my DH when I felt broody lol. If you could at least get a ballpark of when you both would like to try for a baby it would be much better than "I don't know" and then you can work on anything you need to prior to TTC like taking a prenatal vitamin a few months beforehand. I hope you both are able to come up with something, hun. I know how frustrating men can be

 

[BrittneyAnne]

They say talking with men is the best way to solve issues but my DH is the kind that is very non-communicative when it comes to issues and doesn't like to be pressed. Getting frustrated would always make him resort back to his old ways of ignoring the problem. My suggestion would be to take him out on a date night, like to a dinner and a movie or something, give him a good time and bring it up when you get home. Tell him how you're feeling. This always worked for my DH when I felt broody lol. If you could at least get a ballpark of when you both would like to try for a baby it would be much better than "I don't know" and then you can work on anything you need to prior to TTC like taking a prenatal vitamin a few months beforehand. I hope you both are able to come up with something, hun. I know how frustrating men can be

Thanks so much! My husband is the same way. He's not a huge talker so sometimes makes these type of situations extremely frustrating an difficult.

 

[KalonKiki]

I've always found with DH that the best thing to do is take a genuine interest in his feelings when I bring up the topic of having a baby. I ask him why he isn't ready and what would need to happen for him to be ready rather than asking him when he would be ready. Then I tell him how I feel and when I would like for us to start trying and we come up with the best compromise we can.

First though, did you ever have "the talk" with him while you were dating? As in the one where you determine what your future goals are and if they match up, such as having children and how many of them each of you wants. When DH and I had "the talk" we determined that we each wanted 2 children minimum and 4 maximum so that worked out perfectly for us. Honestly I think I could happily have more than 4 but between 2-4 was something I could be happy with.

You should definitely let him know how you feel though. Let him know that it's important to you to have a goal date to strive for so that you don't go insane waiting for the unknown.

 

[swedengirl]

IT is so hard and I really really feel for you as I know how sucky it is! Really really force yourself not to bring it up when you have been mulling it over in your head for a while and getting annoyed that he wont come round to your way of thinking. This was my downfall as the conversation soon turned to me being upset and frustrated. Then it is a negative cycle as he will avoid talking about it again.

I like the suggestion of doing something nice and then trying to bring it up later on in the evening when things might be a bit more relaxed....

 

[BrittneyAnne]

KalonKiki, we did have that talk. Originally we wanted to start our family a year after being married but the timing wasn't right. Next time I bring it up I'll definitely ask what he's thinking and how he's feeling before blurring out how I am feeling.

SwedenGirl, exactly! That's what I'm going to do. When I've been thinking about it for too long I turn into a grump and its not a pleasant conversation.

 

[swedengirl]

Hope the next chat goes better! Keep us updated and hopefully you'll get your TTC date soon but try to remember it's going to feel amazing when he says yes to setting a date regardless of if it's tomorrow or next year- although I know it's easier said than done!!