Severe GD. When does supporting her feelings become harmfully enabling?

[Joetorious]

My wife and I just had our first gender reveal last week and now she is almost a completely different person after her disappointment to find it was a boy. I believe her GD is pretty severe as she may be taking the baby's care for granted now. The day after, she felt no guilt eating raw sushi, and to all the friends who warned her, she responded with "oh well, it's just a boy." I don't think it's so severe that she is contemplating termination, but her attitude towards the baby's health seems apathetic.

A number of the posts I've been reading have said it's ok to let her have these feelings, but in most cases, the expecting mother is aware of her ill-feelings and feels guilt. My wife currently feels no guilt and has openly stated that she knows she is being selfish and does not care. We went through IVF and she said that she would rather have had failed implantation then not have a girl. She is normally a strong and grounded person who thinks very logically but now she thinks that the universe is against her and we will never have a girl. Before the reveal, she had a dream of having 3 girls, and when I asked her about a boy, she hinted that he would be loved less. I took it as a joke at the time, while thinking in the back of my head that it would change once the baby arrives. Now I am not as certain.

I'm wondering where the line is in letting her feel this way. I've been trying to think of supportive ways to bring her back to logical reasoning but I don't know how to, without seeming like I'm attacking her or negating her feelings. I've read that I shouldn't try to "fix" her feelings but what if they become exacerbated to the point that it affects the baby?

 

[BelleNuit]

Pregnancy is really hard and your wife may be feeling a bit resentful at the moment to be pregnant and not having the girl she always hoped for. It might be she doesn't have a good outlet for these feelings so she's self soothing (i.e. eating sushi) in ways that aren't helpful in the present situation. I think in this situation it might be worthwhile to try to find more adaptive ways for her to self soothe. Things like massage, good tea or chocolate if that's her thing. It's hard not to feel like you lose a bit of the person you are while pregnant because you can't enjoy many of the things you used to (like sushi).

 

[WhisperGirl]

I understand that she's feeling disappointed, but she was well aware before getting pregnant that she can't choose what child she gets. To be reckless with his health now is just not right. Being disappointed and seeking support to get over that is one thing, but she's expressing a level of selfishness here that you need to address before this little boy is born. I don't want to be judgmental not being in her shoes, but this could result in an innocent baby not receiving love from his mother through no fault of his. I think in this instance you need to have a long hard talk with her, maybe with a councillor present because this isn't something you can leave up to chance of rectifying itself.

 

[Bevziibubble]

^I agree with what the above poster said
It's one thing to be disappointed which is understandable because many people do go through gender disappointment, but it is a different thing all together to endanger her baby's health because he is not the gender she wanted. I would encourage her to make healthier choices through the pregnancy as far as you can, because even if she is disappointed through the entire pregnancy, the chances are once she holds her baby boy for the first time she will fall in love

 

[gigglebox]

My suggestion is to have her seek therapy with someone experienced in this, or a councilor seasoned in treating patients with GD or postpartum depression. If her feelings are allowed to fester then she may be on the course to PPD as infants are extremely difficult, and the feelings of frustration with the new baby/lifestyle change may be even harder if she has trouble bonding with the baby...not to mention the resentment you may develop toward her.

Bless you for trying to figure this out and get her help!

 

[calm]

I totally understand and respect gender disappointment, and I had some minor disappointment myself of not having a girl, but if she did say "Its only a boy" when eating the sushi... that not right... it made me feel awful to read that. I have two beautiful precious boys, and boys generally are so much for their mummy, I truly hope such feelings go away after birth, because it kills me to think of any little boy not getting all the love he deserves... The thing is when you are pregnant its all so abstract, especially the first time, so you have a sort of idea what it would be like to have a boy, or have a girl... but its not the reality, you can't know what its like to have your baby in your arms until it happens...I would also advice getting some help, a therapist or a self help book

 

[Babybump87]

How is she feeling now ?

It’s hard when you find out it’s not the gender you want and can take a while to come to terms with things and like ladies have said pregnancy is hard with hormones and a bunch of emotions to deal with . Finding out the sex of your baby can be such a big moment for some people with some many expectations and dashed hopes and dreams in some circumstances .

I agree with Calm , to totally disregard his health and well being is concerning and she should seek help if her feelings are still the same now . It may not be the gender she wanted right now but baby is alive and well. I hope you find a way through this.