Should I forgive my best friend?

[Jo37]

This is my first time visiting a forum EVER so forgive me if I'm doing this wrong.

I had a miscarriage 3 weeks ago. I was 9 weeks and had to take the pills. I sent my best friend a message that day to tell her what was happening. She replied telling me not to let it upset me and that she would be out of town that week. I had a very tough week physically and emotionally. Thankfully I had my Mom and my husband to help me through it. When my friend returned from her trip the following week she didn't call or message me. About 3 days later I get a message from her. The only thing it said was "Are you going to my friend's baby shower?'. She didn't ask how I was doing, or express any concern for me whatsoever. I'm ok with being invited but it was the way she did it. I feel like she could have asked me but say that she understood if I wasn't ready and ask me if I needed her. I was in shock and told her I wasn't ready. We've been friends for 12 years so I didn't expect her to be this emotionally unattached. She even had a miscarriage years ago. Am I being too sensitive? Should I let this go? I don't have the energy to confront her about it right now and she's still inviting me to other events that revolve around her. I feel pretty heartbroken right now

 

[Starry Night]

I would keep some distance until you're ready to confront her. I'm surprised that she is so insensitive after having a loss of her own but everyone deals with things differently and maybe she's forgotten how hard it can be in the beginning. Or, she doesn't want to bring those painful memories back, so she is keeping you at a distance.

At some point I do think you need to explain how you're feeling. I don't think friendships that long and strong should be given up without some form of 'fight'.

I am sorry for your loss and that your friend isn't being there for you.

 

[amytrisha]

It's completely up to you hun, it all depends on how you feel. Although I do agree with PP, I'd distance myself for a while then when she makes the effort to see you maybe mention it?
A lot of people are so insensitive at times like these, when I had my mc I got home from the hosp and OHs cousin & auntie came straight around (they'd never been before and haven't been since) but they brought their babies! Pretty much rubbing it in my face, I haven't & will never forgive them for that.

So sorry for your loss hun, lots of hugs xo

 

[xjesx]

I don't think "confront" is really the best attitude to have.

I think you may want to address the situation by sitting down with her and really telling her about what you have gone through. I think we too easily think that text messaging is the best form of conversation.

Perhaps she thought you were ok as you texted her...I am sorry if you hadn't texted her because then i am way off base.

I think speaking with her one on one allows for you to receive the proper support you are looking for. I imagine its hard for people to support those of us who have been through this type of loss. Miscarriage is not publicly spoken about. I mean we are advised to wait to announce until our second trimesters.

So maybe not a confrontation but a discussion.

I had a friend that knew I had a miscarriage in January and to this day hasn't said a word to me about it. At the same time, I wouldn't know what I need to hear from her.

Its extremely difficult when its a friend who doesn't have pregnancy on the mind or in view.

 

[Topanga053]

Even though her attitude is surprising since she had a loss of her own, everyone reacts to these things differently; perhaps she found it easy to accept her own loss? At any rate, I agree with PP that you should tell her what you've been going through. Even though she's been your best friend for ages, that doesn't mean that she can read your mind. If you haven't shared your grief with her, she might not realize how much you're hurting and how much you need some sympathy.

I don't think you're being too sensitive and, besides, even if you were, she's your friend and she should be there for you. But, you need to let her know that you need that support. I've found that most of my friends were AMAZING once I shared my grief with them. Once they knew how much I was hurting, they wanted to be there for me in any way they could. I'm sure your friend will be the same way, once you open up to her.

 

[Andypanda6570]

I am so sorry for your loss.

Maybe she just doesn't want to bring up her feelings also, that is why she is ignoring all this? Maybe she doesn't know what to say? People are like this, they care , but they don't know how to express it or they are scared of hurting you by bringing it up. Or it could be she is just insensitive, but after 12 yrs of friendship you would know if that is just her personality.

I would give her the benefit of the doubt, wait a bit , but then I would confront her and tell her how you are feeling. You have had a loss and I know when I lost Ava if anyone asked me to go to a Baby Shower I might have punched them out. After 2 yrs that I lost Ava I was finally just able to go to a Baby Shower in April. I was fine at the shower but it took a long road for me to get to this point. If it is cause she is just insensitive then that would be a friend I could do without. Sorry all this is happening.. XOXOXO

 

[Emily2630]

I'm really sorry for what you're going through. I am experiencing something very similar. I MC 2.5 months ago and again 1 month ago. I have been very disappointed with the lack of support my friends and family have shown. I realize that if you haven't experienced a MC you cannot imagine the depth of grief and sorrow, so I gave my two of my three best friends the benefit of the doubt and emailed them a fairly long email explaining how difficult things have been for me and how I would really appreciate their support (and I was very specific what things would help me and what would not). I didn't feel like I could fully explain things on the phone without getting overly emotional which is why I chose to email. Both seemed initially supportive and responded positively to the email, but they haven't followed through. One friend I've had for 19 years, the other for 14. While I'm not necessarily "giving up" on the friendships, I feel like I have done my part, I have explained my pain and what I need, and if they can't be there for me then I need to take some space because I can't actively engage in a relationship with someone who isn't there for me during the most difficult experience of my life. Maybe one day things will be different (I hope) but I don't have enough energy to put into a relationship like this when I really just need to focus on myself and healing. I'm really sorry you are going through this too. The lack of support and understanding has been almost as upsetting as the miscarriage itself. Big hugs.

 

[skyesmom]

i agree with Starry Night. take some time to gather your strength and then confront her. she might not know how to deal with your pain as it is reminding her of her own, and you don't know how she managed to cope with it in the years - maybe she's dreading it would dig her own up too.

it's hard for them to deal with it. i was surrounded by silence from my closest ones (family and oh included) until i literally screamed it all into their faces and told them their silence was hurting me beyond means on top of all, and i made no secret of my depression and suicidal thoughts.
i jerk even now when i remember those times but it is all fine now with all of them, they have all jumped for help as much as they could and it ended up binding us even more.

 

[MoBaby]

I hate when your friends are so insensitive...

One of my friends (we were good friends but not after this) told me she was pregnant the day I was sitting at her house bawling my eyes out telling her how heart broken I was and how no one could understand the pain unless they have been in my shoes... I was very upset and then she told me she was pregnant and only due a few days after me. I knew it was coming b/c just a couple weeks before she had said something that made me instantly think she was pg and I came home and told DH right away that she was going to tell us at some point. BUT it was soo tacky the way it was done. I have not even told her how I feel yet because I just can not face her with her pregnant belly just being a reminder of how I should have that also. It was soo not supportive for what I was going through and I just really have this bitterness towards her that I can not get rid of. I practically havent even talked with her and she is now over 30 weeks and that was at 11 weeks. And I will not be attending her shower if I get an invite. I actually have banned all baby showers not just hers. I just do not see how friends can be so insensitive. I know its not her fault I mc but she could have waited a few more weeks to tell me, when it wasnt so fresh still.

You dont have to go to the shower. Just let it sit for a while and then go talk with your friend. Unfortunately, MC is a sensitive subject for most and its a hard thing to discuss so people just want to brush it off. Most dont realize what it does to the one who lost the baby. Its such a bad thing to feel; so different from anything that can ever be described and the only way one can understand is if they have been there. Sorry you are going through this

 

[Jo37]

Thanks for all your replies. Even though I don't wish what has happened on any of you or for your friends to treat you badly I am relieved I'm not alone. I understand everyone has their own ways of dealing with tough times but I also believe in treating others the way you would want to be treated. If my best friend was going through something like this and has already expressed that it was hard on them I would do everything I could to let them know that I was there for them. I just wish instead of her opening line to me being "Are you going to the baby shower" she could have started out asking how I was feeling or that she's thinking of me. I don't expect someone to be at my every beck and call.

I still haven't told her how much she's hurt me. I still feel pretty raw from it all. I already emailed the girl who was having the baby shower about what happened to me and her reply was very compassionate and understanding (unlike my best friend??).

This isn't the first time she minimized my feelings so I have a hunch this friendship will fade unfortunately. It's too bad because I treated her like my sister but it is obviously one sided.

Thanks again for all your kind words and advice. So sorry your losses.

 

[xjesx]

I hate when your friends are so insensitive...

One of my friends (we were good friends but not after this) told me she was pregnant the day I was sitting at her house bawling my eyes out telling her how heart broken I was and how no one could understand the pain unless they have been in my shoes... I was very upset and then she told me she was pregnant and only due a few days after me. I knew it was coming b/c just a couple weeks before she had said something that made me instantly think she was pg and I came home and told DH right away that she was going to tell us at some point. BUT it was soo tacky the way it was done. I have not even told her how I feel yet because I just can not face her with her pregnant belly just being a reminder of how I should have that also. It was soo not supportive for what I was going through and I just really have this bitterness towards her that I can not get rid of. I practically havent even talked with her and she is now over 30 weeks and that was at 11 weeks. And I will not be attending her shower if I get an invite. I actually have banned all baby showers not just hers. I just do not see how friends can be so insensitive. I know its not her fault I mc but she could have waited a few more weeks to tell me, when it wasnt so fresh still.

You dont have to go to the shower. Just let it sit for a while and then go talk with your friend. Unfortunately, MC is a sensitive subject for most and its a hard thing to discuss so people just want to brush it off. Most dont realize what it does to the one who lost the baby. Its such a bad thing to feel; so different from anything that can ever be described and the only way one can understand is if they have been there. Sorry you are going through this

I too avoided baby showers like the plague. Too hard. I never said why I just RSVPed with a polite sorry I cannot make but sent a gift...usually a gift card because shopping for baby items was not easy.