Should I stay or go?

[Meler87]

Hello everyone...this is my first post and could do with some advice.

I'm 23 and my OH is 22, we have been together for nearly 4 years, only just out of university and making our way in the world BUT we seem to want totally different things and I don't know whether to stay and hope he changes his mind in a few years or leave in search of someone who shares my hopes.

I really want to get married...not now but in the next few years and more than getting married I want to have children, I'm very broody...it is not a good time for us to start a family and I want to establish a career for myself first but it is very important to me that I have children in my late 20s. I love my OH but he says he doesn't believe in marriage and doesn't have any desire to have children at the moment and obviously doesn't know if that will change.

If I stay in the hope he will change his mind how long do I wait? I feel confused and don't want to give up on the things I want in my life.

 

[LuluLamar]

I don't think you should settle for anything else than what you want in life. If you give yourself a "time limit" you'll find yourself locked in an unhappy situation that is much harder to get out of. That is not to say you should give up on your current relationship altogether, but definitely evaluate how your future is going to play out in either situation...

 

[cocokitten]

Hi
I'm 22 as well. I don't think its unusual for a 22yr old man/boy to not really want kids and theres nothing to say he won't change his mind, but there are a lot of people out there who never want kids.
You just can't guess the future, I don't really see how any of us can advise you.
Have you actually spoken with him properly about this? If it is that far in your future you want these things I wouldn't rush into trying to find someone else. you never know how you or him might change, or what could happen in both your lives.

 

[odd_socks]

i think only u can decide that, im kind of in the same situation, my OH isnt ready for kids yet and he doesnt know when he will be, hes said maybe June/July for us to TTC but even then its only a might. I love him more than anything but i have worried what if he doesnt ever feel ready

 

[~KACI~]

The girls have given you great advice, whatever you decide will be right for you x

 

[Tanzibar83]

I agree with LuluLamar - you're only putting unnecessary pressure on yourself by having time limits, one thing I have found when TTC is to stop slotting future BFP's into a diary as it adds stress which will be one thing you don't need when trying for a baby. You say it's important to have a career which I understand but what if you TTC in your late 20s but dont actually get anywhere with it until your early 30's or later? I'm not trying to get you to evaluate more worse case scenarios but I think if you've been with someone for 4 years you clearly must see loyalty and love and I'm betting there have been occasions where you've had to compromise.

Sometimes things don't turn out the way you plan and the next thing you know you've just regretted making the biggest mistake of your life as a result of being impatient.

Do you think if you fell pregnant in the next 12 months that he'd run a million miles away from you? I don't want to give you my opinion if I was in your shoes if I'd stay or go but if you are at that stage where you think there's no more love or passion I'd express your feelings and fears. My gut feeling says you don't want to leave him but you don't want him to be a stopper in the things you want in life. The big question you are worried about is will you both come to a compromising situation and if so when? my advise for you there is don't worry about the "when", you're young, you have a career to think about. If you love him you will want to compromise and if he loves you he will want to compromise back. Communication is key

 

[Tink.x]

I think it will probably come down to what your heart wants more , this relationship with a man i am presumming you love, or marriage and children... but it is all down to you and hope you sort it out babes xx

 

[lu-is]

I agree with many things above.

You have to do what is right for you, and decide what goal are important to you, which things are you not willing to give up.
For me, children would be a deal breaker. If I were dating a man who did not want children, I'd have to pass as hard as that might be.

 

[JSmith]

Hello everyone...this is my first post and could do with some advice.

I'm 23 and my OH is 22, we have been together for nearly 4 years, only just out of university and making our way in the world BUT we seem to want totally different things and I don't know whether to stay and hope he changes his mind in a few years or leave in search of someone who shares my hopes.

I really want to get married...not now but in the next few years and more than getting married I want to have children, I'm very broody...it is not a good time for us to start a family and I want to establish a career for myself first but it is very important to me that I have children in my late 20s. I love my OH but he says he doesn't believe in marriage and doesn't have any desire to have children at the moment and obviously doesn't know if that will change.

If I stay in the hope he will change his mind how long do I wait? I feel confused and don't want to give up on the things I want in my life.

That's a tough situation you're in. When I was 22, I wasn't ready for kids yet either. I'm sure my wife at that time in our life would have been ready to start TTC if I said let's do it. However, there was one, but big, difference in us. While I was not ready at that time, I knew she was the one I wanted to be with. Yes, I did not want kids, at that time, but I knew I wanted to have kids with her - someday.

You'll have to have some conversations with him, and that's the question you need answered. If you guys are a great match, he'll be willing to write the future chapters of his life with you, though he just might not be 100% ready at this time. If he still displays no signs of wanting kids, you need to figure out why he doesn't want them. If he can't commit to you later in life with kids - Hey, it might be time to cut the ropes loose. You guys can still be close friends after the fact, but the pressure between the two of you of having kids will be gone.

Not everyone in life is shooting for the same goal, and there is nothing wrong with that. You just have to find a partner trying to hit the same goal you are. Good luck with your situation!

 

[Meler87]

Thanks for all your advice.

When I think about it more rationally we are very young and too young to plan our lives Like some of you have said you never know what direction your life will go in. I am not ready to walk away from my relationship we have been through alot together and I do believe that as my OH gets older his hopes might change. He is a very loving and caring guy...he would be great with kids. I think for now we should concentrate on the here and now and making our lives fulfilling and comfortable. He knows how I feel and we can talk openly about it so we will keep doing so and see what happens.

Thanks again

 

[EvieVonKittie]

you guys are so young, this is why i waited to have kids with my now husband, we were both 20 when we met, we made a pack that if we were still together by the time we were 28 we would get married.
at 27 he proposed and we got married right before i turned 29, as for kids we said we would wait until we were 30, well we are wtt but things are happened as we planned years ago..

take your time, trust me people change, if you can learn to accept each others differences things will work out, because i know for a fact you need to be prepared for another change again in the next 3 to 4 years..

its a common thing for people in a relationship to change every couple of years.. I know he and I arent the same people we were when we first met.

even our looks, we both look completely different then back in the day.

if things were meant to be, life will take its course, but i highly recommend you not asking for peoples opinion on wheither you stay or leave a relationship, its all about what you made of yourselves.

 

[wishandwant]

I think all the girls have gievn you great advice here, none of us can tell you what to do and Im sure your head is all over the place.

I cant say whether I'd stay or go, but I do think I'd talk to him about it. Not to freak him out or anything, but just to let him know where you're heads at. That you dont want children now but you do want them in the future and you do want to get married in the future and see what he says.

You both are still young but you are both old enough to know what you do want and if you have been together for four years then you obviously do love each other dearly.

Could you see yourself not getting married but having children? A lot of people dont want to get married but are still committed to their partner and have children.

Sorry if this doesnt make sense!!

I hope you get the answers you desire pet and keep the chin up

xxxx