Single mum points of view appreciated please! (v long sorry!)

[pinkflamingo]

Hi all,
I would like the perspective of a single mum on a current situation please.

Bit of background....DH has a 13 year old son from a previous relationship (where she fell pregnant accidentally on purpose, but that is another story!). Whilst in that 'relationship' both he and her cheated numerous times, she would even bring men back to the house when her son was asleep in bed upstairs etc etc. She tried to commit suicide twice and would threaten DH, to the point that he phoned the police and asked them to get involved but they would not!!

DH stayed in that situation for as long as possible, as even though he now sees clearly that it was unhealthy for his son, he did not want his son to become a statistic and come from a broken home. he realises that he was wrong now. Anyway, we met and got involved whilst this was all going on and whilst I am not condoning any of that, I do believe we were meant to be together and that is unfortunately how it came about.

We have now been together for over 5 years and married for over a year. We are ttc but have sadly just lost a baby. SS comes to stay with us every other weekend and during some school hols, and this has been the norm for several years now.

What I would like your perspective on is what would your reaction be to the father of your child letting you know that they were going on holiday in 5 months time? I mean this in relation to the one weekend which he will not be around to have his child. DH let her know this, and she has come back and said that we will need to find someone else to have him for the whole weekend! She doesn't even care who it is, but just blankly refuses to have him herself! I just find this incredible!!

She remains incredibly bitter towards DH and I about our affair, which fine I understand, but like I have said she was carrying on with several men aswell. She has been involved with several men since too, but unsurprisingly does not seem able to have a lasting relationship, and so I assume that she sees us having gotten married etc and she has not progressed.

She thinks nothing of slagging me and DH off to her son and telling him that his dad is useless and doesn't care about him etc etc. DH has always paid his share and had regular contact, but she is more concerned about trying to be difficult to us than being a mother to her son.

That is my thought anyway, but as a single mum do you think any differently in relation to what I have written. I would have thought that any mother worth her salt would rather her son be with her as much as possible. She has also decided that she is taking him on hols for the 2 weeks before our hol, meaning we won't see him for 5 weeks. When DH said he would like to change the weekends so we have him when we get back, she said no that we should change our holiday as not seeing him for 5 weeks is unacceptable enough!! Although what she has done now means we won't see him for 7 weeks!!! This is what makes it SO difficult! Her reasoning is not logical. How do you clearly explain to a 13 year old that because you won't be seeing him for 5 weeks his mum has not let you change the weekends, and so you won't see him for 7 in total?!! It doesn't even make any sense to me!!

It's even reached the point where we are wondering if SS would be better off living with us and visiting his mum every other weekend. It's so hard to know what is best when someone is so difficult to deal with.

All thought appreciated. Thanks!

xx

 

[Kate&Lucas]

Her behaviour is a little bizarre. Wonder what she gets upto the weekend he's away?

I think suggesting he should live with you is a bit ridiculous though. Take her son away because she's bitter? Ouch.

What does the boy think of all of this? Maybe it could do with your husband, his son and his ex wife all sitting down and talking. Surely she'd have to be a bit more reasonable in a more relaxed setting. If that doesn't work, does your husband have a solicitor? Might be worth a visit.

 

[pinkflamingo]

It's not a case of taking her son away to spite her, it's about what is best for him. Dh has mentioned this to her and that he would be happy for SS to live with us and she is open to those discussions. It makes us wonder whether that is actually what she wants and perhaps she is struggling with him. What stands out as odd to me is that she would rather her son be with another person and not her. I think she goes out with friends and guys when we have SS.

They never were married which is why I think she is extra bitter that DH has found someone he wants to marry and spend his life with. Unfortunately her and DH cannot communicate with one another at all now. It is all done through email anyway so there would be no chance of her meeting with him and discussing these issues in a relaxed manner.

DH even had to go to the courts to get parental responsibility as she was refusing to sign the forms on the basis that she didnt want to!! When she had to write her reasons and submit them to the court it was pages and pages of reasons like 'his father has a photo of his girlfriend as the wallpaper on his phone, and if he cared about his son then he would have a picture of his son instead' When the solicitor phoned she laughed and said herself that this was a very bitter woman who was just having a bitch about DH. Of course it was laughed out of the court and the judge granted PR to DH immediately. She had told SS that she was refusing it because DH wanted to stop her taking him abroad on holiday etc etc. Just complete lies but something else she could say to make him look like a horrible person to his son.
The poor boy doesn't really say anything about anything. He has told DH that he doesn't like his mum saying horrible things about his dad, but he doesn't say that to her. He is naturally protective over his mum, but he sometimes breaks down and tells us that his mum has made him promise not to tell his dad something e.g. when she got dumped by a chap who SS really liked. He was in tears and so afraid to tell us. I just think that things like that are trying to build barriers between a child and his dad because of her insecurity.

I think legal advice is prob the best way forward for some guidance.

 

[chels24uk]

wow. I dont really know what to advise. As angry as I am with my sons dad for chooseing to no longer be an active roll in his sons life, id never slag him off to him as I know he loves his daddy and its just decency aswell!
I dont understand how some mothers can be that way and not really care about how it clearly affects their own child.
Sounds like shes just being petty. Go ahead with your holiday, i wouldnt get in a fight with his mum because then she knows shes won and knows how to get at her sons dad. It wont be nice not seeing him for so long, just make it extra special when you finally have him.
As for get someone else to have him for those 2 weeks? Maybe she said it in anger and not really meant it! that seems very strange unless she already had something going on which i doubt!
Really hate seeing children being used as a weapon to get back at an ex poor boyxx

 

[pinkflamingo]

The problem is this isn't the first time that she has said she would rather SS be looked after by someone else.

She emails and tells us when SS is going to be with us and then expects us to fall in line with her decisions. No flexibility. We usually have him every other weekend, but in Feb she has decided that we have him 2 weekends in a row. DH has booked us a weekend away for valentines (and for a get away after our miscarriage) and so this second weekend in a row clashes with that. Again obviously as this is something romantic linked to our relationship, she refuses to have her son. She has said that he can stay with her if we pay her(!!) so she can't have any plans that weekend anyway.

We just worry about what SS thinks when he has to spend a weekend away from both of his parents just because his dad has gone on holiday etc.

She did very similar stuff when we got married and were planning a honeymoon. She criticised us for going away for 3 weeks as SS would not see his dad etc etc. The thing is every summer hols she takes him away and leaves him with family and we don't see him for exactly the same amount of time! If we do something then she plays the part of the concerned parent and has a go at DH, but if she does the exact same thing then there is a reason for it, like SS loves spending time with family in the summer holidays etc. Er yeah but he still is not seeing his dad for 3 weeks!! We are quite happy that he goes and stays with family and has a good time, it's just the constant bitching and lack of reasonable attitude when we want something that are bothering us.

God only knows what will happen when we do have a baby. SS has already started asking about this and being incredibly negative about it all. 'well they won't even be my real brother or sister anyway' etc. He has said some things which I found pretty shocking...I wonder where this all stems from! His mum has wanted more children but can't and is 11 years older than me, so obviously that is another nail in my coffin too!!

She told me a few months ago that she had been speaking with SS (who is just 13 remember) about how stressed she is feeling at the thought of his wedding. She had apparently been in tears at the thought of having to spend the day with his dad and me in the same building!! I just told her that if she was so stressed about it then by that time I hoped she realised that his wedding day was not about her, it was his and his wifes day. She would just have to do what lots of people do and get over it for the day! We can all quite happily stay out of each others way but be civil when required! Why would you sit in tears and put that on your 13 year olds shoulders? Maybe she is trying to prevent him from marrying completely! I should think job done!

Weird thing is aswell, she will happily slag DH and I off for weeks and then she will phone me up and be on the phone for over an hour. Most of it is slagging DH off, but she opens up to me and tells me things about her relationships, her family and just things that you wouldn't expect her to say to me of all people.

Anyway too much ranting again!

Don't think this will ever get sorted really. SS is getting older so perhaps we should get him more involved in deciding where he wants to be instead of just telling him.

Thanks for replies. xx

 

[chels24uk]

reading that makes me feel so bad for that poor boy.
As for the baby thing, maybe he thinks dad wont love him as much anymore because he has a new child? A possibility. But as hes 13... i really dont know!
I really dont know what to suggest for the best.
The only good thing i can think of is that hes reaching the age he can decide for himself where he wants to be etc. Only problem being... sounds like if he did choose he wanted to live with dad, his mum would talk him out of it Does he know the door is open to live with you both if he wants? Dont know how you would bring the subject up or what the consequences would be with mum though...
Really wish i had some good advise for you. Poor boy, i could never imagine myself being like that towards my son...

 

[Linz88]

i dont think a child should ever be taken away from his mother..!
he suggesting that ur husband finds some one to look after him isnt bizzare to me.. she knows he wouldnt put there son in any danger.. and would only leave him with some one he trusted.. u never know.. she could have been doing something every other weekend.. and probably feels like she shouldnt have to give it up just because you and your husband wanted to go on holiday..did u offer to take ss along by ne chance?
she probably is being bitter and spiteful.. they was both having there flings bt she never left him for one of hers..

sure your husband could talk her round so that it isnt 7 weeks til u see him.. oh and im confused because it sounds like your talkin about a Young child,

 

[pinkflamingo]

Thanks for your reply. It's not like we ask her to have him often if it's one of our weekends, which is why I don't understand her response.

She is not doing anything on the weekend in question as she has offered to have him if we pay her.

We are going on holiday during school term so no we have not suggested taking him. It is for my birthday and a bit of time together following our miscarriage. We have him for 4 weeks of the school hols and that is when we go with him. This will be our second holiday away on our own in 5 years! The only other one has been our honeymoon so it's not like we go away all the time.

DH had told her that there was nobody free that weekend to look after him, but she still wants 'someone' else to have him. Of course DH would not put him with someone he didn't trust, but I do and always will find it strange that a mother would rather her son stay for an entire weekend with someone who was a stranger to him, than be in her care. Even I wouldn't be comfortable putting him in that situation and he is only my step-son!

As regards 'a child should never be taken away from their mother', on a general note (and not in relation to our situation in specific) I have to disagree with this statement. Just because a woman becomes a mother, it sadly does not always make her the best person for that child to be with. I also speak from the experience of my cousin being taken to live with her father when she was 9. Her mother also had mental health issues and the home environment was very up and down and generally just unhealthy for her. It was certainly the best thing for her at that time.

I guess everyone will have different ideas of what is acceptable. Who is to say that if I was ever a single mum that I would think the same way too? I like to think that I would hate being away from my child at any time, and that if I had the chance to spend an extra weekend with them, then i would choose that over going out on the town or doing anything that couldn't include them. But I don't know what it is like, which is why I stepped into this forum and asked you all for your input.

My SS is 13 years old. Not sure what I have written to make him sound like a young child.

 

[pinkflamingo]

she probably is being bitter and spiteful.. they was both having there flings bt she never left him for one of hers..

....he never brought people back to the house to have sex with them on the sofa whilst a 5 year old slept upstairs

....he never had relationships with people at work and copied her in on the emails they would send each other, just to rub her nose in it

....he never kept saying that when their son turned 10 he would move back to his home country (alone) and leave the boy in the UK

....he never hacked into her social networking account and wrote pages of humiliating things about her being adopted, having affairs, being a terrible parent etc etc for friends and family to read

....he never scared her so much that she had to barricade doors whilst sleeping in fear of being attacked and harmed during the night


....he never did any of these things, but this is just the tiniest snippet of what she did whilst they were together.
He put up with it because he didn't want his son to be a statistic and come from a broken home. He now realises that it would have been the best thing he could have done for his son, but hindsight is a wonderful thing.

He came away from that with a lot of mental damage. There was certainly no break up of a remotely happy family if that is what your statement was hinting at. If I hadn't have been involved then it still would have ended and I think the few examples above illustrate why that would have been the only possible outcome.

 

[chels24uk]

i agree shes being bitter and spiteful. But after over 5 years its time she got over it and moved on! Hes happy and she needs to accept that.

Maybe she does do stuff that every fortnight. I certainly would, the break is good. My son stays at his nans house probably one night a month and i do enjoy it as its a break. But you have him every single fortnight and by what i can make out hardly ever cancel. so dont really understand why shes acting in that way. Dont feel you have to defend yourself. She needs to get a grip judging by what ive read. Shes probably just a little pissed atm and said that in retaliation but hopefully she will see sense for her sons sake and let him see dad in those 7 weeks!

If my sons dad cancelled (if he had him fortnightly) so long its a good reason and not something stupid like he wants to go get drunk with mates, i wouldnt have a problem with it as long as he kept in touch with his son in that time. x

 

[pinkflamingo]

Thanks Chels24uk. I don't think she will ever accept how things are and move on. Even though she has had several relationships since they parted, I think her bitterness is made worse by the fact that we have remained together and gotten married etc etc. It's clearly for keeps but sadly she can't find the same thing.

DH spoke to his son on the phone tonight and SS said that his mum had spoken to him about it all. She had told him that she was at home that weekend but she believed strongly that it was his dads problem and that he needed to sort out alternative care. SS had apparently told her that as she was at home that weekend he would prefer to be at home with his mum, but she had just repeated that it was his dads problem, and got cross with him for not supporting her.

That just says it all to me really. It's one thing to be pissed off at DH but another with her son just because he would rather be at home with her.

 

[chels24uk]

cant believe she would say that to her sons face. Way to make him know she loves him!! She needs to grow up! Sounds like a little teenager having a strop!!