Small age gap? Yay or nay?

[Lumi]

My partner and I are first time parents to a 5month old little boy. I greatly enjoyed pregnancy and birth, DH was very helpful and caring throughout.

I feel we adjusted very well to having a tiny human around and he had brought us much happiness, I find him to be a very happy easy going baby.

I'm a SAHM and DH works, our financial situation will allow me to stay home with him until he starts prep/school.

Before I had a baby I was dead set on having at least a 3 year age gap. We were never ttc for Ds1 but NTNP for a year, it felt the right way to go for us.

Recently I brought up to DH that I am starting to think a small age gap would be better, as it would greatly lessen the 'baby years' and we wouldn't have to start all over again almost as ds1 was about to start school ( I only want 2 children and DH is happy with 1 or 2). DH said we should just do what we did with ds1 and ntnp and when it happens it happens.


So to conclude my rambling, pros and cons for those with small age gaps? Thank you

 

[Bebedeux]

I have a 20month age gap. Would of loving it to be shorter. I love it. DH works away and is home 6days a month. But genuinely I love it. DS was a tough baby but DD was a treasure. I love how my DS is with her. It's worth it.

 

[Lumi]

I have a 20month age gap. Would of loving it to be shorter. I love it. DH works away and is home 6days a month. But genuinely I love it. DS was a tough baby but DD was a treasure. I love how my DS is with her. It's worth it.

Thank you, do you manage to get out and about much with two so young? My partner may be taking a new fly in fly out job, 2weeks on 1 week off.

 

[Bebedeux]

We do something at least every other day. We do walks and baby groups. I love it. DS LOVES tractors and trucks so we're constantly on the look out. I've lived 18mobths of my life like this and it's fine. Genuinely.

 

[Lumi]

I'm definitely thinking this is the way to go for us, looks like it will be back to ntnp for us very shortly ��

 

[Aelyana]

I also have a 20 month age gap. Which is pretty small but not insanely small I guess? and I love it!! And ds1 is terrible twoing (has been for a while) and ds2 is still waking up every 2 ish hours at 4.5 months with me back at work 4 days a week 😲 Call me crazy but I love it anyway.

But I would not have wanted it smaller only because I already feel like I am robbing ds1 of his baby years a little. He has taken to ds2 very well so that is more me. Also I am one of those crazy people who would happily be in the baby years forever so I don't want to rush it too much 😳😁 could be hormones talking

I am hoping to have 3 or 4 of DH stays on board for that plan. And think I would like to try a 3 ish year age gap for no.3

But a lot of my friends
have a similar gap to mine now and find it tough. Most male partners also find it v tough it seems to me. I know my DH does. And tbh it is objectively pretty relentless. But just a personal experience type thing I guess.

Maybe think it over for a few weeks before ntnp? You may fall pregnant straight away who knows. And for me at least hormones are a big trigger for wanting another baby the first year.

Sorry that turned into a novel haha. Good luck w ur decision!

 

[MumToEva]

17 month gap here. While i love it and wouldn't change it for the world, it definitely has it's challanges. Pros for us is that their developmental stage isn't too different, so they play together whereas i see friends with a bigger gap and the eldest isn't that interested in the younger child because they are at a different stage of development. They fight like cat and dog sometimes, but they really are each other's best friend. You also get the baby years over with a lot quicker.

Cons for us would be that i found pregnancy harder on my body because it hadn't had time to fully recover first (my back has only really settled in the last 6 months), plus you can't rest the same when you have a baby to care for. I definitely find my memories of the stage where they overlap is also poor - for example i see my youngest starting to grasp numbers, and i cannot recall my eldest doing that, though she obviously did too! They also go through phases of fighting a lot, which i don't see friends with bigger gaps experiencing to the same extent - some days it's exhausting playing referee! I also think i didn't have a grasp of what a toddler was like when i got pregnant - when your cute little baby hits 12 / 13 months and starts getting attitude parenting definitely changes, and i don't think you realise that fully until you get to that stage. No sitting in a cafe having a leisurely cuppa while the baby sleeps when you have tornado of a toddler in tow! Plus the 2nd baby's nature prob has a lot to do with how easy / hard you find having 2 - my eldest was hard work as a baby, whereas my 2nd was an easy baby - if i'd had them the other way round i don't think i'd jave coped as well. But then i have little support, so that makes a difference.

Think my cons list has ended up longer than my pros list, but i honest love havibg a small gap! Go for it i say!

 

[apple_20]

My age gap isn't tiny (27 months) but I honestly can't imagine it bring any smaller. Having them close is lovely and mine do play together and share toys (this takes some doing).

Pros if a short gap
Nappy stage all done at once
They play with the same toys
I can see them bonding
I didn't get too used to sleeping lol.

Cons
Pregnancy plus a young toddler is hard. Esp if you have to pick them up a lot still. I had a very chilled first child so can't imagine being pregnant with a more hyper child (like my second!)
I feel like neither child can get as much attention as they would if more spaced out, somedays I worry that I don't do as much with my second child like baby groups swimming etc she kinda tags along to toddler activities (toddlers aren't always welcome at baby groups they do stand on infants!)
Potty training,moving into a big boy bed etc all done egst heavily pregnant/ with newborn.

Other thing you need to consider, and I know it sounds silly, is babies change so fast so add nine months to the age your baby is now and you are talking about a completely different circumstance. This can be a pro or con! 9 months later your child could be walking and more independent or in the most of terrible twos!

I hope that helps in some way, bit of a ramble. I will say couldn't have done it without the support of my partner and in the early months I was waiting at the front door for him to come home from work!

Good luck with your decision.

 

[Lumi]

Thank you! Its great hearing your personal pros/cons and challenges, definitely a lot to consider ��

 

[bumpy_j]

I'm someone with a bigger age gap (four years) so I'll throw my opinion in the mix.

Having a child at school makes everything so much easier during these early days. I know he's somewhere where he's stimulated, gets praised for his achievements and is around friends whilst I can catch up on sleep and housework. I also value that one-to-one bonding time with LO2 that a school day brings, and feel rested enough to be able to spend the evening with LO1.

You may not want to repeat the baby years yet as they're fresh, so the getting it over and done with part seems tempting. However, now my first is older, doing it all over again is wonderful. I didn't realise how much I'd miss it all.

 

[jodilee6]

We have a 3 1/2 year age gap and I wouldn't want any smaller

Pros
DS1 starts school when DS2 will need to go into childcare so no duplication of bills

DS1 was pretty much independent when DS2 came along so could get drinks/snacks/go for a wee which was invaluable in the early days

No double buggy!

Cons

Having to go back to a newborn after having an independent preschooler was hard, the sleepless nights weren't fun!

It's such a personal decision, I'd say you need to sit down with your Oh and choose what works for you all as a family

 

[k4th]

Like bumpy I'm going to throw another perspective into the mix.

I really wanted a small age gap & we started ttc when dd was about 18 months old. It wasn't meant to be and I was diagnosed with a blood disorder and I also have pcos. After 2 years of trying we got our elusive bfp & were ecstatic!!

Dd was four when he was born and started school 5 weeks after he arrived. Now, I feel like this age gap was "meant to be" for us. Dd dotes on ds - she loves him so much. And it feels like "me & her" helping with him, rather than "me & both of them" iyswim? Dd has her own established friends, interests & now school. I loved every second of having her as a baby and I'm loving having ds as a baby to focus on, plus having a big girl who is independent in some ways (she can go & get dressed, brush her teeth etc by herself) but still learning so much so we so her homework together, cook together etc. it really feels like they both have their own time & focus.

Knowing how hard it can be to have two now, I'm not sure I was cut out to be a mum of two children who had a very small age gap. Those of you who manage are heroes in my eyes lol!! I really do feel like this was the way our family was always supposed to be - and for a long time I was very upset about the ever increasing age gap.

I hope that your second fits as perfectly into your family as mine has whenever you decide to go for it

 

[Natasha2605]

There's 21 months between my two and I absolutely love it. They will be 4 and 6 next year and are literally best friends. Their relationship is amazing. DD2 was a difficult baby but you soon forget about the hard parts as it gets easier.

This time round there will be 4 years between my youngest DD and newborn DD. I expect it will be harder in some ways but a breeze in others. If we have another - big if- I'll look for a similar age gap, maybe a little smaller in the hope DD3 has the same closeness that my current two experience.

 

[Septie]

I had a 2 year age gap with my first two: Very very tough initially, and you do feel like you miss out a lot on both of their lives, as you are so busy all the time. On the positive side: They are very very close, best of friends (I can't imagine that a closer age gap would have been better, as I'd worry too much about comparing them - imagine the second being better at things than the first, how bad that would feel for the self esteem of the first; or that the first will end up in the same class as the second, if he needs to be held back etc.; with a 2 year gap that is unlikely). Now a 4 year gap between #2 and #3: Much much easier so far, a breeze really. I do love the baby years, so getting over that is not much of a plus to me, however. The second and third are also really close atm, but I do worry that in the long run, the third won't have a playmate...

 

[Kitteh_Kat]

I think it really just comes down to personal preference. I was so broody that first year, but I'm glad I waited. I really wanted to give my body a chance to recover from pregnancy and replenish everything before putting it thru pregnancy again (there have been some studies that have shown going thru pregnancy again soon after one ended can increase the risk for things like Autism, etc). Plus I wanted to enjoy the baby stage as much as possible without trying to balance another baby in the equation.

We're ending up with almost exactly a 3 year gap (both are May babies), and DD starts preschool a few months after this one arrives, so I'll get one-on-one time with the baby during the day while she's at school.

I can definitely see the perks of knocking out the early years all at once though! Good luck with whatever decision you make.

 

[Teri7489]

We have a 22 month gap and love it. Its crazy having a 3 month old whilst trying to potty train a 2 year old but its a good crazy. My house is a tip, covered in nappies, toys, clothes but I know I will miss these times so enjoy every second. We only wanted two so having them close in age we felt was best for them. For now my daughter adores her brother and she loves to help look after him. They have bonded great in the little time they have been together and I know its just going to get better. If you want just two kids then I'd say go for it and have them close. Don't get me wrong, I have a sister 18 months older and one 8.5 years younger and get om with both equally. Just my little sister was essentially an only child as she grew up. Xxx

 

[Kirsty3051]

Think we're probably going to be the couple with the smallest age gap here. DS2 was born at 36 weeks, giving our boys a 9 month gap.

I'll start with the pros:
* Our eldest didn't have to adapt a whole lot.
* No sibling rivalry.
* I've heard they'll have a closer bond.
* Gets the baby stage out of the way in one go!

And then there's the cons:
* The first couple of months are really difficult.
* Nothing can prepare you for how little sleep you're going to get.
* If you think having one sick baby is bad.
* 1-1 time with each child individually is rare.
* No time for yourself. 99% of the time, at least 1 of them is awake.
* Even less time together as a couple.

It's the hardest thing I've ever done but we wouldn't change it for anything.

 

[Larkspur]

Honestly? I think it's one of those things where whatever gap you end up with, you find ways of retroactively deciding it was the "perfect" gap for your family.

So whatever it is will be fine. It's not something you have any real control over!

 

[cupcaker]

18 month gap. DS was approx 10 months when I went for my booking in appointment with second pregnancy. Whilst "planned", I didn't think I would get caught quite as quickly.... my DD was conceived in the first month of trying so the gap was smaller than I expected.

Pros are my son was too little to really show any jealousy of the second. I didn't have to spend my pregnancy talking about it and preparing him, because he was too young to 'get it' anyway. He didnt even notice the belly or have a clue what people were on about.

Also, the gap closes quickly. I look at them together now and can't believe how close they are getting physically and in the things they enjoy. They lark about together well. They can do "mostly" similar things and neither has dramatically different needs to the other now bar nappies for one.

and.... in a relatively short period, we are getting rid of all the large crap babies come with (walkers, moses baskets, mats, milk machines, bumbo chairs, changing tables and so on) it is liberating!!! Rather than having to find a place to store all these items for years until the next baby. Or, having the annoyance of buying twice if no storage space.

Cons- pregnancy was harder because there was no laying around having naps and reading nice books and baby catalogues, revelling in yourself and everyone running about after you too. I ached much more from lugging my son about.

As my children were close together, when the second pregnancy was announced, aside from family, some people were real (unexpected) jerks. Work colleagues who were fabululous during my first pregnancy, suddenly developed a bit of an attitude, with comments such as "you'll be busy..." instead of a simple "congrats".

I work 4 days a week in an intense job and my mornings are fairly hideous getting them sorted and on time to places they are going and out the house. SATM? would be soooooo much easier. I wish this was an option. When I am off on holidays with them, it is a piece of p*** compared to working "around" them. job/home life. I'm a teacher so I am lucky to get 6 week hols in the summer too, and it's SO much easier with my two at home than being at work, navigating around childcare and work commitments and spending time doing family things.

 

[Eleanor ace]

There's 21 months between my older 2 and 2 years 4 months between DD1 and DD2. I like both age gaps. The gap between my older two is great as they enjoy a lot of the same things. The older they get the more beneficial that is. I kind of wish there was a bigger gap between my 2nd and 3rd because it would be nice to have time just with DD2, enjoying her babyhood as she's my last. But from the children's point of view a smaller gap is probably best.