So sad...what can help?

[Angels4]

Hi everyone,

Its been 3 months since my 4th miscarriage & I am still so so sad.

I have days where everything seems ok and that I am moving on, but then I have days like today where I want to do is cry.

I have noticed that everytime I see a pregnant lady, or a new born, I feel like my heart has been broken all over again.

Has anyone felt the same & found something to help with their grief & sadness?

I am currently seeing fertility doctors who are doing every test possible to see why I keep having miscarriages...but I get anxiety thinking they wont find what is wrong & ill have another m/c.

Any advice would be greatly appreciated.

 

[skyesmom]

days like these are unfortunately a part of the healing process, and learning to cope with the losses. i know so well how unbearable they are and how hard it is to survive in that mindset and with those kind of emotions inside of you, 5 minutes of that is enough to know what the hell is all about. days/weeks/months of that are torture.
and the weight over happy days, no matter how many in a row there may be or how happy you get (it took me 2.5 months to spend my first day without crying - but even then i was dead and incredibly sad).

all i can tell you is to try to embrace all that pain and those feelings. this is the toughest thing to do, but fighting them will lead you to nowhere. with this sort of emotional wounds, people put an invisible pressure on you thinking you should already be ok by a certain deadline, which is absolutely untrue. miscarriages are still to be fully acknowledged as losses and this creates unrighteous pressure on us. we create it to ourselves too, by feeling we're grieving for too long and that we should already be over with it and that we don't have the right to grieve.

so i say, take your time and cry yourself out on a day like that, and just let it be. if you feel like you don't wanna go out of the bed, then don't. you already know better coping days will come, as they were already there. and with hell of a lot of time, they will outnumber the hard ones. it just takes A LOT of it, and a lot of work on accepting your pain too.

no one would ask you to run a marathon 3 months after you've fractured your leg. no one would ask you to run it either after 6 months of physiotherapy while you're still limping or walking with crutches. everybody would see it clearly as a day that you still need to heal and sometimes even if u do everything right it can't get well by tomorrow.

broken hearts and broken souls are a bit harder to spot and accept. people are afraid of them and label them as weakness, as if it could infect them too. but you know what? getting on with your life being so heart broken as you are when you lose your baby is the biggest act of bravery a woman and a man is capable of.

i send you tons of love, and a big hug, and i hope if not happier, at least you know you are not alone.

 

[HouseofGucci]

Talking about it always helps me... Mine was 3 weeks ago and I have so many bad days.. Or I'll think I'm having a good day and it turns into a bad day! Hopefully with time it'll get easier! So sorry you're feeling like that! I definitely KNOW the feeling xoxo

 

[Angels4]

Thankyou so much...i just had a bit of a cry at your posts. Its very kind of you to take the time out to reply...it means a lot to know I have support from wonderful people like yourselves.

Im truly sorry that you had to go through the heart ache of a loss too...hugs to you xxxxx

 

[Topanga053]

Oh honey, I can't even imagine. It's been almost 10 months since my first miscarriage and I've only recently started to feel like myself again. I agree completely with Sky--give it time. The harder you try to fight your feelings, the worse they will become. For myself, I found the trick was a delicate balance---I needed to feel and accept my feelings, without letting myself obsess about them. I now have a "5 minute bathroom break" rule at work. If I am upset by a picture on Facebook or a text from a pregnant friend, I allow myself 5 minutes to go into the bathroom and cry my eyes out. After that, I wash my face off, go back to my desk, and do my job. For me, that's the perfect amount of time to acknowledge my pain and sadness, without dwelling on it too much.

As far as multiple miscarriages, I have two friends who had multiple miscarriages. One had three (including a second trimester loss) and the second had five. The first now has a healthy 6 month old and the second is now in her second trimester with a healthy baby! They never had any explanation for their losses, but were still able to go on and have healthy pregnancies/babies!

Try not to worry about the horrible "what ifs". I know that's easier said than done (I am horribly anxious that we'll NEVER get pregnant again, since we've now gone through 8 cycles since our miscarriage with no luck), but it's just as likely that you'll have a healthy baby soon. My therapist told me that his grandmother used to say (to those horrible 'what ifs'): "What if I was a duck and went quack quack?" I think of that everytime I start worrying and it always makes me laugh! Better than that, it reminds me how completely useless those what ifs are!

Lastly, if you think you're feeling too much pain (however you choose to quantify that), don't be afraid to find a therapist or get some anti-depressants. I waited until I was practically disabled by my pain and fear before I asked for meds. Now, I'm so angry that I waited so long! The meds and a good therapist have really been a goodsend. I was so hesitant to reach out for help because I didn't want to seem weak or silly and I was afraid it wouldn't help. In reality, I never could have made it this far without that extra help. Now that I'm feeling good again, it seems so stupid to have waited for so long to ask for help! So please, don't make my mistake and don't be afraid to reach out for help if you think it might help you!

 

[justhoping]

i wish i could help other then a hug..

everytime i try and get it out i get choked up...

 

[Angels4]

Thankyou so very much!

Lol, yes I like the duck 'quack' theory too hehe!

It's so funny how the brain reacts to certain situations! I am the same with the fb pregnamcy posts!

Its nice getting advice from people in similar situations rather then explaining it to people who have no idea what you are feeling. On the plus side, my husband is the most supportive person I know, so he always tries cheering me up on my teary days.

Ive tried meditating now too...listening to gentle music & getting my thoughts together. That has helped too.

As for medication, I am not on antidepressants, but I have been taking some natural herbs that do help with stress and anxiety.

Hugs to you both & P.S thanks for the positive stories about your friends. It always helps to hear that.

Thanks

 

[yogimamma]

accepting what has happened,writing,meditation,sharing,being open about how you feel...((((HUGS)))

so so sorry for your losses