So upset with husband

[malotkins]

I'm so upset with my husband at the moment. I'm 25 weeks and starting to think about what we need to buy. All I keep hearing from him is "why does he need that", "does he really need a chest of drawers" and my favourite which I have heard a million times now "we don't need to buy him clothes as people will buy him loads". I agree we don't need to spend a fortune on clothes but he needs some! I came home from work and told him I had a voucher for 30% off Gap so was going to have a look with my mum and maybe pick up a couple of bits. Well, it turned into the biggest argument ever! He said we need to prioritise what we buy, we don't need to buy clothes, he should have a say as its coming out of our joint savings. I came back with "I will go shopping with MY mum for clothes for MY baby if I want to" which didn't go down to well. He is taking all of the joy out of it. He said it needs to be a joint decision, fair enough for the pram,cot etc. but flippin' 'eck I'm talking about an outfit! We both earn good money and he will be getting two bonuses and a £5k pay rise between now and December and he had no intention of putting any away for the baby, he's agreed to put some away now though. We are not talking now and I just want to cry. It's going to be such a battle for the next 15 weeks.....

Grrr, rant over.

Hannah

 

[3011busyyear]

Hmm some good old sulking required here. Hold out until he offers some apology, then do a mini apology for the MY baby comments and calmly explain you just want to feel excited.

 

[SIEGAL]

I can't tell you what to do about your husband But I have lots of friends who always just put away some money every week in a seperate account or even just hidden in a purse that way when they want to buy something (and like your situation, not that they cant afford it but their husband just whines) they could and if husband asks about it just say it was a gift, cheap, damaged, etc...If you do make somewhat decent money he wouldnt notice 10-15$ missing every few days

 

[MiuMiow]

Siegal is on to something I think, you may well be able to put something aside and it would make it a bit more peaceful for you.

If I were you though, I would do the same to him: at the supermarket 'do you really need that soda/steak/chocolate', if he wants to go out 'is that really necessary', when he asks you to buy him socks 'can you not just make do' etc for every single thing. It's not about wanting to spend money for you, it's that he's sucking the joy out of planning for baby and that's actually kinda mean or at the very least a dumb way to act if your wife is expecting.

Also, I don't know how you are with his mom or sister of favourite aunt or even his dad but even a grown up man can still be set straight when his mom tells him to suck it up and grow up.

 

[malotkins]

Thanks for the replies ladies. I'm still really cross with him and sitting here glaring at the back of his head. I could just go and buy loads of stuff myself as we still have our own money and just put savings and bill money away jointly but I don't see why I should when he is spending x amount a month on himself and his music. I just got an email from his mum saying she had spotted lots of second hand stuff in her local charity shop (not that second hand stuff is an issue, I am always happy to find a bargain) but why can't they just let me enjoy shopping for the baby????? Maybe I just need to go to bed.....

 

[SIEGAL]

Maybe he is just overwhelmed with the financial realities of raising a child. Its well over 1M$ through college for the middle class. Perhaps he just panicked a bit.

 

[malotkins]

Maybe he is just overwhelmed with the financial realities of raising a child. Its well over 1M$ through college for the middle class. Perhaps he just panicked a bit.

or tight!

 

[momofmister]

I highly recommend getting the second hand stuff and some new stuff. There is no reason you can't do both. It may make it easier on your dh if you did get the 2nd hand stuff and then said oh ya and in this bag is the new outfits.

My dh was similar to yours, in that he didn't seem excited when my ds was on the way. Until he was born it didn't seem real. I understand him this time around. He doesn't feel the baby move inside, and isn't experiencing the baby first hand. So I find that with men its not as real for them until the baby comes out.

 

[bigbetty]

Perhaps he doesn't realise that - yes - people will buy your baby clothes, but they will be cute little outfits rather than the basic essentials such as sleepsuits, babygrows, socks etc and that LO will need quite a lot of these, especially in the first few months when there will be a lot of washing!!! And also babies grow at quite an alarming rate and that all too soon those clothes that have been bought won't fit any more!

As for the chest of drawers - does he expect baby's clothes to be kept in plastic bags underneath the cot? Perhaps he should do the same and then he could save money on buying his own chest of drawers!

Perhaps he is just a little jealous of all the attention baby is getting at the moment and is just craving a bit of your time and attention too? Perhaps when you go shopping next you could buy him a cute "daddy" gift from the baby?

Hopefully he will come round soon and start to get excited with you - just try to include him as much as you can. Don't alienate him even more by letting things get out of hand, take the moral high ground and make the peace, he is probably just overwhelmed by the enormity of the commitment and responsibility of having a baby.

Fingers crossed for you sweetie xxxx

 

[destinyfaith]

im sorry hes like this with you its your money too! and his baby also! your supose to provide for you LO not let others do it .. yes people will buy you bt you cant expect them too what if they never? then youd be buggered lol, i dont work but i still buy shit loads of things with my OH money haha its his baby too and he doesnt care cus he knows its for his son and he need it .. just buy what you want hun i would x

 

[Didz]

aw hun, I feel for you, I really do. Me and my OH were like this until I put my foot down. He kept saying we didn't need certain things because people would buy them. I asked him what he was planning to do if they didn't. Got him thinking after a while. We did have a lot of relatives buying clothes. Unfortunately his mum splashed out on boys clothes, adamant that we were having a boy because they ran in the family. We didn't so much mind though as we're not fussed as to whether our daughter wears boys or girls clothes lol. My dad bought us the cot and other relatives bought toys but we were still arguing over what we needed. I think the biggest fall out we had was over the sterlizer. I wanted a cold water one and he wanted a steam one. He got his own way and ended up with the steam one which I now make him clean out and de-scale because it needs constant maintenance lol. He regrets it now. With your OH I reckon you should make a list of whats needed, ask your OH for his input and ask him what he thinks are the most important things. Then try to compromise. It may cause another arguement but hopefully you'll both come to an agreement about what is needed the most.

 

[secretbaby]

My husband used to spend money like water - caused alot of problems when we were first married and at one point we had to get a huge loan to cover our debts (am not saying I was totally non fault here - I eat the takeaways used the stuff without asking where the money was coming from) When he sorted it out properly (limping on a few years after the loan business) he went into scrooge mode - I mean what do we need 'brand' loo roll for... er because its one of the few things I won't compromise on... it got to the point where he was even pointing out cheaper sanitary items (again I will not compromise there)....

Maybe this is the same- you OH is aware that you will need to save money for baby, and doesn't want to waste money buying things that you will get as gifts but he has gone totally to the extreme.

My oh settled down after a bit and now has a brilliant attitude to money (ashamed to admit better than me alot of the time). We are doing 'baby on a budget' which he is helping with - but I still have a savings can (the ones you can only open with a tin opener) which I am squirriling away the odd 20p and 50ps so that when times are really tough or we suddenly need something the money is there (last time I had one of these cans I used it when my car needed repairing an the can had about £170 odd quid in does add up quickly). Maybe you can do the same sort of thing have a 20p jar? both you and OH could contribute - or just you... with my one its just me so I get to decide how to spend it. The fact its a solid can that i keep semi hidden means OH doesn't really know its there and the fact we can't open it means I am not tempted to dip into it.

I am sure your OH will settle down with this - I am sure its just that positive planning for the furture taken to an extreme.

 

[TattooedMama]

You work and if I were you I would absolutely NOT stand for being told I can't buy my baby a few items of clothes-I'd flip!!! It's your money too and you have the right to spend some of it as you wish. Maybe I'm just a brat but I doubt he asks you for permission before he buys everything and its for your baby, which to me is a good investment and part of the fun!!!

I don't work but I'm pretty spoilt by my husband and he hardly ever tells me I can't get something so I don't so much have this problem. At the same time though I don't ask for many things and I only ask when I know we can afford it. Also this will be my second baby and his first so he trusts me when I say this is what we need and this is what we don't. I spent a TON of money on things for my son I thought were so necessary but I never used.

Buying baby clothes and outfits to me is part of the fun of pregnancy. I think it's not fair that he won't let you pick out any clothes for your baby, I still have a blast dressing my 3yr old Just tell him you will get some clothes but you shouldn't depend on that and not buy anything & you don't plan to go crazy but you would like to buy some things. He'll get over it

 

[mumtobeplus1]

Blimey he sounds awful!

Most people buy clothes for babies in slightly bigger sizes (3-6/6-9mths ect)
as they assume the parents would already have newborn/0-3mth stuff.

All babies need the basics sleepsuits/vests/hats/socks/cardigans/blankets ect ect.

Outfits are an extra, which you would probably want a couple for each age group
so when you take your baby places/visting ect, he looks all lovely x

 

[malotkins]

I feel a bit better this morning, especially after moaning to my mum for half an hour! He emailed me earlier from work and said he just has no idea about any of it. He wants us to put a rough budget together which is fine but everything on the list is essentials so 100% necessary. I have sent him the link to the Babies R Us catalogue and told him to go ahead. We are going to talk about it tonight.

 

[87lianne]

Hopefully he will come around then! Alot of people probably will buy you clothes but it may not be to your taste i would hate having to dress my LO in clothes that i hated! Also people might decide to get cuddly toys and things instead of clothes.
I must admit i did go over board buying outfits with my first and he hardly wore them as i kept him in baby grows the first few weeks atleast il know now for this time round! Good luck with the talk tonight!