Something DH said - opinions please

[kanga]

So last night I was really upset about things. Everything seems doom and gloom at the moment - job, career, relationship, MMC - and I'm wondering if I'm slipping into depression from the MMC.

Anyhoo, so I was upset last night and Dh said, come on we've got to get over this and move on. And I was so upset as I felt that was really heartless.

I haven't been upset about the mmc for a while and hubby has got over it and moved on, he thought I had too as I havent mentioned it recently.

Does anyone think I'm over reacting at what he said, can amyone see his point of view?

Also, has anyone got depressed tendancies since their mc? At the moment all i can see are the negative things in my life and I feel like I dont know what to do.

 

[Smiler79]

Hi Kanga. Sorry to hear about your loss.

I had a miscarriage in October and still suffer from bouts of depression(I have suffered form depression in the past so I know the signs)

I am trying to stay positive as I have a new job that I love and a wonderful hubby but sometimes all that seems pointless without being pregnant.

Hubby says he knows it will happen and that I just need to be patient but I am desperate for a babay. He also sometimes saya he doesnt understand why I am still so upset about the miscarriage.

Maybe you could private message me if you want to chat in a bit more detail.

I am thinking of you xxxxxx

 

[hb1]

maybe it was a clumsy way of trying to gee you up a little. My oh said " you're dwelling on it too much you've got to get over it" only 3 weeks after our mc but the tone he said it in didn't upset me - I just pointed out it wasn't a long time in the scale of things and I couldn't possibly be over it, I think he understood after that and has been fine - but I think it was just his way of trying to pull me up from being upset and being at a loss for how to do it. I guess it depends a lot on tone too and it's not poss to get the jist of the tone over the web. I would have a chat with your oh.

As for depression - I don't think I have suffered from depression so really can't help but these days there must be a lot more options available to you to help deal with it, whether it's a local support group, the dr's or counseling. Really hope you're ok

hx

 

[FBbaby]

'we've got to get over this and move on' in male language often means 'I can't bear to see you so sad, it is breaking my heart, I just want you to feel better and smile again'.

My OH said the same thing about moving on and that he knew it will happen. In the end, I think he was, still is, always more concerned about me and our relationship than the baby, even if he really wants to become a dad too.

Don't get cross with him, especially if he is seemingly supportive otherwise, but don't feel guilty for feeling low either, every one grieves differently and if it takes you longer, that is fine. Maybe you could tell him that you understand that it upset him to see you so sad, but that you are not yet ready to move on just yet, but that his supports helps you to get there.

 

[Jem88]

maybe that's his way of trying to get things back to "normal" i was depressed after my mc at 9 weeks, infact it took me a year to "get over it" and i was convinced my OH had forgotten about it & coz he was fine, but it wasnt until we had a good talk a good 7 months after it, he told me he often got upset & had a cry etc but he didn't do it infront of me so obv i didn't kno. maybe you should try talking to him, tell him how you feel?

 

[bump_wanted]

sorry to hear of your MMC...i think sometimes men just arent blessed with good communication its not the 1st time ive been in tears from something mine has said but saying that i dont think they do it outta badness i think its just that they dont think xxx

 

[Smiler13]

Hi kanga,

Agree with the others, men find it hard to see us in pain and would rather it was not discussed / we were happy again.

Re. feeling low, these feelings come and go over time, I don't think recovering after m/c is a linear process. Feeling upset about m/c has certainly affected how I've felt about other things at times. I have personally found counselling helpful.

Mine said similar things at times and it didn't help, but I know he didn't mean to upset me.

 

[Nosy_Cow]

My OH hates to see me sad. But he doesn't know how to deal with it. He tends to give me a big cuddle and then go and do the washing up or some cleaning. It's his way of coping. I can tell he fells awkward when he hugs me when I'm upset. He never knows the right words to say and so takes himself out the situation. He said he gets annoyed because he doesn't cry and hates seeing me so upset.

I've been diagnosed with severe depression today and moderate anxiety. I have been coping ok I guess but over the weekend I had a massive breakdown and slipped into deep depression. Luckily I had my counselling this morning. It does help. Maybe popping down to your see your GP. Even just talking to him/her will help you think a little clearer and if he/she thinks you are depressed they can get you some counselling. I know many women don't want to take anti-depressants (including me) because they want to try again.

I hope this helps a little. My friend had a MMC when I was 8 weeks pregnant with Chloe and I thought she'd understand my pain but she seems to be on the same lines as your OH "You should move on now!" "It's time to put Chloe's photo away!" It's only been 7 months and I don't want to put Chloe's photo away - I never want to put it away. I don't want to move on - that sounds like they want us to forget our angels.

Anyway I'm rambling (as usual) but if you want anymore information about my depression I'm happy to share over a PM

 

[stardust22]

Hi Kanga,

So sorry to hear of your loss. It's absolutely heartbreaking to go through what you have and there can be no time placed on what is an acceptable time to "move on" its impossible and even if you can put the smile on for everyone, deep inside it never goes away.

As many people on here will say, all of the feelings you have are perfectly normal and men are just so different from us and either bottle it up or dont say the right thing. My poor hubby must feel like he is treading on egg shells around me. Am I going to be in ahappy mood or burst in to tears anytime. I am new to this website and just started being active after nosing about a bit hehe. I had a mmc at 12+6 on my routine dating scan and was told mybaby died around 10.5 weeks. I was totally shocked as only 2 weeks earlier I had a private scan and see my baby healthy and the heart beating. I had my erpc the next day and recovered quickly but I find myself crying alot and sometimes very anxious and depressed. i also work on a maternity ward and going to work is making me feel so sad.

Anyway, sorry I am going on a bit here! you can tell I am new. i feel so relieved to be able to talk on here and have the support from others and maybe say something that could help someone else out there.

Kerry
x

 

[Tulip]

Kanga I'm sorry for your loss sweetheart. I lost Ruby in December too. It's important to understand - and tell the men this - that we will never recover from losing our angels but we can learn to live with the pain and it will take time.

I recently bought the following books:
A Silent Sorrow: Pregnancy Loss - Guidance and Support for You and Your Family.
Unspeakable Losses: Healing from Miscarriage, Abortion, and Other Pregnancy Loss.

They have really helped me understand that everything I'm feeling is normal: the unpredictable depressed days, the anger, the bitterness, the jealousy of pregnant women or mums with newborns. I wanted to throw something at both Zainab AND Lucy on Eastenders tonight. The only way I can see the pain lessening is to be pregnant again - and to magically be past 20 weeks when i can be fairly sure baby has no neural tube problems.
They have said that 6-12 months is normal to reach Acceptance over the loss.
They have also said that the mummy will grieve for longer and more intensely than the daddy because we had that physical bond with the baby.

Bless your DH, he's trying to help you recover faster, but it's not what you want to hear. You need to know that he's hurting too. AFM, I know K misses her. He admitted last week that he sometimes looks at me in bed and thinks "She should have a massive belly by now", but he's done his grieving and is looking to the future.

You may well be depressed, sweetie. A counsellor may help. But rest assured that the way you are feeling is entirely normal.
xx

 

[Tulip]

PS - Stardust, welcome to TTCAL. I hope you find support and some good friends here, as I have x

 

[Ten]

So sorry about your loss, hon. I agree with what others have said - it's entirely possible that he just hates to hear you sad and sucks at communicating it in a gentle manner.

It's also possible that he just doesn't "get it" - mine didn't really connect until he heard the heartbeat. It was sort of abstract for him until then... so it might be that your OH doesn't mean to be cruel - he just doesn't understand.

But all that said, you have a right to be upset even if his intentions were good. Guys can be so dumb.

Hugs.