sorry to intrude.... how do I help my friend? long sorry

Discussion in 'Second Trimester Losses' started by mumof2girls, Nov 17, 2011.

  1. mumof2girls

    mumof2girls Well-Known Member

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    My friend found out her baby had died in the womb, she was almost 20 weeks. I didnt know she was pregnant because I had a m/c about 3 months ago and she didnt want to upset me. I only found out because she sent a text to me meant for someone with a similar name to mine. She was due to go in today to start things off (not entirely sure what was going to happen) but on Tuesday morning she gave birth to her baby boy, she didnt hold him and discharged herself straight away as hospital couldnt contact her husband and refused to do it from her phone! She text our other friend to tell her as I was at work and my friend later told me. Since then she has been a wreck understandably but she wont open up and I dont want her to until she is ready. We have been helping with getting kids to school and having them for tea etc. Today we had coffee and she was as well as can be expected. I have just been on fb and her husband came on thanking me for being there especially today with the extra upset.... told him I was lost and asked what had happened. She went for a check up today and they must have scanned her as they have found a little girl who was obviously hiding behind her brother. She was a lot smaller and they are going to take her in next week to remove the baby. How the hell do we help her through this? She must feel so alone. There is only me and our other friend and her husband that know what has gone on because like I said no one knew she was even pregnant. I know she wants to talk but something stops her. Her husband says it has hit her tonight and they are waiting for the doctor to come and give her something.

    I am so sorry to intrude on this section but I have never had to deal with this before and I dont know where else to turn for advice. I am deeply sorry for all your losses and send a big hug to all you angel mummies xx
     
  2. collie_crazy

    collie_crazy 1 Angel, 1 rainbow growin

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    I'm so so sorry you and your friend are going through this :hugs::hugs:

    I'm sorry I really dont know what to suggest... nothing really helped me through the first few days after losing my daughter. I guess the only thing I can say is just be there for her whenever she is ready to talk let her :hugs: And dont give up - just because she doesnt want to talk now or in the next few weeks doesnt mean that she wont in a month or 2. I know I had a lot of support in the first few weeks and then people started to drift off again - I know this is natural because they have their own lives but it hurt and it still does to think of them 'forgetting' me and my daughter.

    Maybe you could point her in our direction when she is ready. I dont know where I would be without these wonderful ladies on here :hugs:
     
  3. mhazzab

    mhazzab Well-Known Member

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    I am so sorry to hear about your friend, what has happened to her is awful and she will really be struggling right now. I'm posting from my phone at the moment, so it's a bit awkward to write too much, but, we had someone else on here a few weeks ago asking how to help a friend, and there was some good advice written, the thread is about half way down the second page 'how to help a friend'. This might help you.
    Just wanted to say your friend is really lucky to have someone who cares enough to ask for advice on how to help her.
    If I can help with anything at all feel free to PM me. Xxx
     
  4. Andypanda6570

    Andypanda6570 3 Boys and an Angel Ava

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    Just you being here and asking questions shows what a wonderful, loving caring friend you are to her :hugs::hugs::hugs::hugs::hugs:

    unfortunately there is not much you can do, just let her know that you love her and whenever day or night she needs you, you will be there. This pain is a pain that is unexplainable and if you have never went through it you just can't help that much. She needs to figure her path out, the next few weeks will be hell for her and the first year is just the same. Eventually she will want to talk but for now she wont be able to see pregnant women or babies or hear stories, it is just to much for her hear to handle at the moment.
    All I can say is be there and please don't ever be offended if she pushes you away for awhile that is normal, she will always want you in her life, but this pain will take her and consume most of her..
    XOOXOXOXOX:hugs::hugs::hugs::hugs::hugs::hugs::hugs:
     
  5. Nikki_d72

    Nikki_d72 Mum to 2 + twin angels

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    I think the ladies have covered it, how awful for her to have to almost go through this twice, I really feel for her. I lost twins at 20wks also but they were both born together, I can't imagine losing one then being told a few days later that actually there was another and have to go through it all again. I can't understand how it wasn't picked up on her scan but I suppose when they found one with no HB they stopped looking. The poor woman.

    I think you can only stay in touch, help with the practical things like you have been and listen to her when she's ready to talk, if she wants to. Don't be offended if she doesn't want to, I only really tell my DH and ladies on here what I'm really thinking.

    Its great that you care enough to come here and ask us, you're not intruding at all in this case. She may want to come and join us, even if she just reads at first, it can reassure her that she's not mad, it did for me and many of us here - there is a lot of irrationality that goes with a late loss like this (and any loss I'm sure). feel free to ask us whatever you need to. xx
     
  6. KamIAm

    KamIAm BnB Addict!

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    Hi... To be honest, when I first read your thread I didn't know what to say...:shrug: When you posted this, I was just going thru the very same issue, a friend wanting to help me... BUT when I didn't want or reach out to her when SHE wanted or thought I needed, she would always get upset with me and say I was pushing her away....:shrug:

    My advice is..... Let her do the leading with her requests... Don't take it upon yourself to think you know what she needs... And if she chooses not to talk or share with you, know it's OK... I honestly never talk to anyone else except for my OH (my guy) and my friends on this website, never anyone in my real life... They just don't ever know what to say, how I feel, or what's "normal" .. It feels VERY comforting to just be in the presence of other women who just know....

    So, just have lots of patience and try to remain understanding .... :hugs:

    This is only MY advice.... :hugs:

    Thanks for being such a good friend to her.... Hope maybe one day she might pop in here and we can help as well ... :flower:
     
  7. rossyrozela

    rossyrozela TTC AFTER LOSS

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    So sorry to hear your friends story,it is heart breaking,i too lost a baby at 20 weeks due to chromosomes abnormality,i feel her pain and like other girls have said,give her time,i too dont talk to people near me,and its because telling someone face to face what happened makes me cry and i cant just expain it.I find it easy talking to other mums on here who have had asimilar experiance.Give her time and let her take the lead.
     
  8. bek74

    bek74 Mum of 5

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    I have a very dear friend here on Bnb who I love so much who is going through hell after lossing her baby girl at 20wks.
    All I can do is be here for her, support her and allow her to grieve.
    I experienced a loss at 11wks but went on to have 3 more children. However the type of loss my girlfriend experienced it unimaginable.
    She knows I love her and will never leave her and that she can tell me anything.
    She is more comfortable posting and talking here with other women going through similar experience and I understand fully, but I won't leave her. I stand in the background with my heart and arms open to her so she knows I love her.
    Andrea I love you and am always here xxx
     
  9. Andypanda6570

    Andypanda6570 3 Boys and an Angel Ava

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    :cry::cry::cry::cry::cry::cry:I love you with all my heart, Bek and I always will/ Your my best friend...XOXOXXOO You made me cry with your words cause I know how true they are:hugs::hugs::hugs::hugs:
     
  10. Grey Eyes

    Grey Eyes Well-Known Member

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    O my gosh, I am so sorry to hear this news. There is nothing in the world harder for a mother to take than losing her child or children. There is nothing you can say that will make her feel better about what has happened BUT you can try to make her feel better about the future. I just m/c my baby afew days ago and sites like this one has helped a lot. Here I can come and be anonymous and ask all of the things in my heart and get responses from women going through the same thing. Direct her here. Maybe send her an e-mail with an attachment, help her get set up. But try to talk to her breifly that the future is bright- nothing can comfort her about her lost children but the idea of a future can be comforting. Encourage her when the time is right to try again. I m/c'd years ago and instantly almost got pregnant with my daughter- she is 7 now. Thank you for being there for your friend.
     
  11. jojo23

    jojo23 mum to 1 angel baby

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    hi hun! firstly im sorry you had a mc as well as your friend going through this, its awful to lose a baby at any stage!

    its lovely of you to want to get some advice on helping your frind..to be honest all you can really do is assure her your there whenever she wants to talk and you wont judge...just listen. she will open up eventually but i reckon its still too raw for her at the moment. its terrible for her to have to go through losing one baby and then find there was another, its a double blow.

    to be honest i pushed my friends away when i lost my little girl at 20 weeks, i just geniunely didnt want to talk about it and still dont really mention it with them, alot of it has to do with the fact that they dont fully understand, they are so sympathetic and wonderful listeners but theres certain facts i feel are too awful to share with them that i know the ladies here have gone through so its easier! maybe mention to her hubbie that your there also...i think sometimes people forget the daddies in it all!

    your a good friend to want to help hun and i always say a friend whos by your side and says all the wrong things is worth a thousand more than a friend who stays away!

    xxxx hugs to you both xxxx
     
  12. Nikki_d72

    Nikki_d72 Mum to 2 + twin angels

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    I'm so sorry you miscarried hon. I would be very wary of saying this though, she more than likely will not be ready to think about the future and it would be damned hard for this not to come across as "you can have another baby", which is not what you want to hear at this point. My boss said something like this to me and I wanted to scream at her "it wasn't my pet hamster I lost, it was my sons, they are irreplacable!". I've told her nothing since. I'm sure that's not the way she meant it and was trying to reassure me about my future too but it's the way I took it in that early raw state. Trying again is a conclusion she needs to come to by herself.

    Much love to you and floaty kisses to your wee angel xxx
     
  13. mhazzab

    mhazzab Well-Known Member

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    Bumping for ssuchianlo x
     

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